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Topics - oneangel

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Just wanted to share
« on: May 07, 2012, 09:29:30 AM »
THE VINES  (Bill Pridham)

Picture if you will, a large forest. Somewhere in the forest there is a small clearing. In the center of the clearing, there are two young vines, side by side, growing together. In time, their branches and tendrils intertwine. Together, they face icy blasts of winter, the welcome of warmth, and they bask in the golden glow of summer.

Then one day, someone comes along and decides that one of the vines would do better in another place. Upon digging it up, he finds that the only way the vines can be separated is to cut them down the middle--thus they are parted.

We have been told that all wounds are healed by time. That remains to be seen. But, we are assured that wherever the vine was taken, a part of the remaining vine went with it, and the remaining vine holds near and dear a part of the vine that was taken away.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Back again, hopefully!
« on: January 11, 2012, 12:04:31 PM »
Hi all,
I have been having a really hard time for a little while now. Every year, I hope the holidays will be a bit better to get through but they almost seem more difficult to bear (this was our 3rd Christmas without my husband). The kids have also been having a rough time with things. I had been on the website a few times, but I couldn't even read any posts without completely breaking down so I figured I needed a break. I felt bad because I wanted to share these holidays with all of you but just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I have been a little better these past couple of weeks and hope to repost and share more often.
I do hope you all got through the holidays okay and are back to your daily routines now. I have had a couple of deaths from family friends and acquaintances too, both young husbands as well. I am having a really hard time with the 'why' question, the purpose/meaning of having these young people leave their very young families. There is no good possible to come from these tragedies. These poor young children having to grow up with a parent missing is just so unfair and cruel. This is what I have been dealing with. Looking at my own children and just thinking: "WHY???"
Anyways, I hope to find the strength to keep coming here because I do miss all of you and your support.
Thank you all for being here.
(((hugs to all)))

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / 2 years today :(
« on: November 09, 2011, 11:31:09 AM »
Today is 2 years since my husband passed away, which also means that his birthday is only 6 days away. Last year I had taken the day off work because I didn't think I could focus. I decided to work this year. Not sure if it was the best thing to do, but at least it is keeping me busy. I am a lot angrier this year than last year. I am struggling with the whole finding the good in the situation or there is always a reason for these things ("everything happens for a reason"). All I see is that his passing left three kids without a father, I lost my best friend and the only person I have EVER really trusted. I am always stressed out, my kids go through waves of grief. I have been left to do everything alone. My youngest will not have any memories of his dad. There is no good reason for im being taken away from us. I put a memoriam in the paper for today, this is what it says:

To my sweet angel...
I sit here alone
Watching people passing by
Everyone living their lives
As you fly in the sky.
I'm torn up inside
I miss you so much
Can't stand life without you
Just want one more touch.
The kids are okay
They miss you lots too
Hope you are watching
Because we all love you!

It's been two years since you were
taken away from us.
Know that you are forever in our
hearts, always remembered.
We love you!

All I keep thinking is that life really sucks without him here. I miss him terribly.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / seeing elderly couples make me sad
« on: October 22, 2011, 08:13:56 PM »
I was at the mall with my kids today. We grabbed something to eat in the food court, and across from us, sat an elderly couple. The wife went and bought a couple of small coffees and went she sat down next to her husband, they pulled out some scratch tickets and started playing their game while enjoying their coffee and each other's company. They were happy. They kept talking and smiling and just being there, watching them, I just couldn't help think that I will never have what they have. It took everything not to cry because I didn't want to cry at the mall with my kids there. My husband and I used to talk about being older and doing things just like that couple at the mall. I hate the thought of growing old alone. People have said (behind my back to people I know), that because I am young (35) that I will eventually be with someone else and probably remarry. My husband was everything to me, he was the only person I have ever trusted. My trust had been broken by many people in my life, such as my parents, friends and family. He gave me his all and I gave him my all. When he died, my heart went with him. I will not be with anyone else ever again. It is something that I have always said growing up, I would only ever be with one person. I had found that one person, my soulmate and love of my life. I had the best, anyone else would be second best for me. I hear of stories of people moving on, and that is great for them and I am actually happy for them, but that is not for me. All I do is think about my husband, doesn't matter where I am, what I am doing, he is always on my mind. It is sometimes draining, my brain doesn't stop.
I am sitting here, crying, and I can't get the image of that couple out of my head.
I'm trying to take back my life a little. I have joined a gym with my neighbour. I went to the doctor to talk about what I am going through, she gave me some anxiety pills for my panic attacks. I hope not to have to take them. I am trying to eat better too. Everytime I feel like I am in control, I fall apart again. I miss him more every day.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / always scared- don't feel safe anymore
« on: October 04, 2011, 10:14:21 PM »
Ever since my husband passed away, I no longer fell safe. I am always aware of every noise in the house, hate coming home when it's dark out, which is difficult in Winter, always hear things outside. I felt so safe when my husband was here, didn't even have to think about it. Even when he was sick and wouldn't have had the strength to do anything should something have happened, I still did not feel the way I do now. He's been gone almost two years now and I still feel like this. There was a break-in at one of my neighbours houses this week, in the evening at that. I am at home with my three children, I don't know what I would do if God forbid something happened. Friends have suggested getting an alarm, installing new locks and deadbolts on my doors, but even if I did that, I still don't think my feelings would change. I am at times terrified which keeps me up at night like tonight. It's past 1am and I have no desire to sleep. Will it ever get better???
I am starting to wonder.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Happy Heavenly Birthday Honey
« on: October 03, 2011, 04:36:35 PM »
Happy Birthday Sweetie! I miss you more with each passing day. I wish you were here to celebrate your birthday with me and the kids.
Love you!

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Spouse, Partner Loss / overwhelmed and very sad
« on: September 29, 2011, 08:49:20 PM »
I have had a very bad day. Don't know why, but I was been on the verge of crying all day and finally let it all out tonight. I had another panic attack too today, it wasn't a major one but still had one. My youngest had a bad day so I just felt really overwhelmed. I miss having my husband there to take the load off when I couldn't handle it. I don't understand why I have been left here with all of the responsibilities of raising the kids, taking care of the household and working to pay the bills. It just gets to be too much sometimes, and then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. All I ever wanted in life was a good husband, kids, and a house we could all grow old in. I didn't think I was asking for much. We were so happy together even with all of the hurdles we have had to go through, and we have had many. Everything we have, we had to work for it. Why in the world did it all come crashing down? I don't enjoy anything. My husband is on my mind all of the time, doesn't matter what I am doing, who I am talking to, he is always there. There is always so much going on in my head, it gets really difficult to concentrate. These panic attacks don't help. I try to take deep breaths, but it doesn't really seem to work. Just when I think I am getting into a routine, I take a turn for the worse.
I miss so much, he was everything to me!!!

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I lost my husband in November 2009. He was diagnosed with Cancer in March of that year as well. I was 3 months pregnant with our third child. We went through Chemo throughout the year but he stopped to regain some strength before our baby was born. After he was born, he decided not to go back on because he didn't want to feel sick anymore. We knew the Chemo was just prolonging his life a little but the end was inevitable. He was happy he got to see his last child born. He had hoped he would make it through the holidays and our oldest child's birthday on New Year's Eve, but it was not to be. My kids go through waves with their grief. The most difficult times for them is when we approach holidays, their birthdays, or even when we are about to do something together, like a vacation. I go through my days doing what I am supposed to do and then, at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed, I give myself the time to grieve. I don't sleep anymore. I can't find pleasure in anything which makes me feel guilty of not experiencing joy with my kids. My kids deserve better than this. They are such good kids too. I miss him so much. He is on my mind constantly. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, he is there. Any conversation I have with people, I always end up bringing up his name, a memory. The best part of my life, and I am only 33 years old, was when I was with him. I can't understand how this could be. He was truly the LOVE of my life. And now I am left raising 3 kids on my own. After that, I am on my own, what then?
Looking to talk to people in a similar situation as I am.
Are you out there?

Angela

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