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Topics - smiles03

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Main / can't stop crying
« on: November 19, 2007, 10:05:11 PM »
I happened on this site from a hospice website. It's been a really rough day for me, not really sure why today is any different but I have cried all day. My story starts in feb 2003 when I lost my father to metastatic throat cancer, then 9 months later my 1 year old daughter had major kidney surgery ( but is fine now).Only to follow the next year with losing my eldest brother to a sudden massive heart attack at age 51, my mother never really recovered from losing her son. Then last October my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and could not recieve any surgery or chemo due to other health problems, but she was doing well. This Easter Sunday my other brother 38, shot himself in the head, my mother had to endure losing yet another child. It was too much and two weeks later I thought she had had a stroke but her cancer had taken over 1/2 of two lobes of her brain. She underwent some radiation to shrink the tumors and relieve some of the nasuea and vomiting it was causing. I have a daughter who just turned 4 last week and because I had no other family left and was the caregiver she witnessed so much. No matter how I tried to prepare her she had delt with so much death at such a young age. My mother died June 15th at her home with hospice care to help me. It was the worst day of my life. She was my best friend, my rock and so much part of my child's little life. My little girl is so strong and I thought she understood as best she could, I was strong and let her only briefly see me grieve so that she would know it was ok to be sad about her maw maw and uncle. We celebrated maw maw's birthday in heaven with a cake and trip to the beach the day we buried my mother. Tried to put as much positive as I could on it. She has dealt amazingly well and only a few times does she cry and miss her grandmother, I try to console her and still let her see me cry a little too. I really have not had time to truly let my grief go.....or maybe I had the time I just pushed it back with so many loose ends to tie up...my brother lived with my mom and had no other survivors, so I had not only her life to tie up, his as well. ( plus had to clean up the mess his action caused in my moms home) My brother and I did not get along well he had a prescription problem and I have some guilt to deal with because I was mean to him about the way he handled life. I also lived 72 miles from my mother so my marriage suffered all this time too, although I have an amazingly understanding husband, we had only been married a year when my dad died. SO it's now like we just now can start living our life and be together at OUR home. My brother's autopsy results showed he had no drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of death, which has left me with alot of questions. I have been having some nightmares about him ( he molested me as a child and I basically hated him, just tolerated his presence because I loved my mother  and she loved him , I always kept the reigns on my daughter and his relationship never was she out of my site around him ) Anyway..........sorry this has gotten so long it's really the first time I have even spoke about all this my husband tries to be there for me, but I pretend I'm ok and don't need anything, but I realized today. I'm not ok. I miss my family, my whole family is in the cemetary in 4 years I lost my every connection to my past. I am only 35 you aren't supposed to lose your whole family until you're old. I just can't stop crying today and I have hid in the bathroom and went outside and tried to hide from my little girl so she won't get upset and scared because I am almost histerical, why now?? it's been 5 months and I have held it together , what's wrong today? I'm sorry again for this being so long but I was a basket case when I started typing and I can actually see the screen now instead of wiping tears to be able to see what I just wrote, thanks for letting me vent and I apologize for getting carried away...

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