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Sibling Loss / Bottling the pain, need to release some pressure
« on: September 18, 2007, 07:10:23 AM »
I’m new here….found this link while looking at my brother’s obituary for the millionth time. I lost my little brother on January 6th, 2007; he was the youngest…and now I am the youngest. My brother and I were close…really close. He was literally my best friend. It’s like I’ve lost two people in my life.
    I find this post very difficult to write…I have trouble admitting what happened and that I need to talk about it. We come from a family where it is common to hide any pain and suffering you are going through. My family is not un-familiar to pain…my mother had breast cancer (she survived), my uncle had testicular cancer (he survived for years after being diagnosed), my cousin and grandmother had breast cancer (they both survived that). One of my older brothers tried to commit suicide when he was 12 and I had tried to commit suicide when I was almost 22 (5 years ago now). Through all of this, our family barely talked about what we were going through, our pain, depression, anger, etc.
    So when my little brother died when he was barely 23, only 3 years younger than me, there was a lot of feelings that everyone pushed away by all of us. I live 3 hours away from where my parents live and where my little brother lived, so the moment I had an opportunity to come back after the funeral and “move on” with my life, I did. I tried to shove all the pain and suffering out and down as much as I could. It worked for a while, but over the past few months, it’s finally started bubbling up.
      He’s one of the first things I think of in the morning and usually the last thing I think about at night…add in about 20 more times during the day. The pain and agony are almost as strong as the day it happened; the slightest thing will set me off. The last time I tried talking about it I ended up yelling at one of my friends and telling my boyfriend that I wish I was in heaven with him. The time before that, it was at the funeral of a friend of mine who tried to help me through my brother’s death and I couldn’t stop crying for an hour. 
    I was a psychology major in college, I know the proper way to grieve and the signs that someone is in trouble…I know I’m not grieving in a healthy manner and I’m heading down a slippery slope. I find the easiest way to kill the pain is with drinking and I’m about a 12 pack away from becoming a full-blown alcoholic. But the thing is…I DON’T CARE. I really don’t….I’m told by everyone around me they wouldn’t consider me an alcoholic because I can still function, that I don’t let alcohol affect the rest of my life. Never mind the fact that I’m trying to get drunk almost every night to kill the pain.
     I  have been told that it might be good for me to get some professional help to deal with my pain….did I mention I was a psychology major? The one and only therapist I had seen (after my suicide attempt) suggested I find a different therapist because I wasn’t being honest with him and was pretty much just screwing with his head. Took him two months to figure that out…and it took me all of three sessions to realize he couldn’t help me because I didn’t want to open up and be honest. Honestly, it’s too embarrassing to me to say my feelings face-to-face (blame it on my family history if you want, I do).
   So, I’ve decided to try something with a little more anonymity.
Alright, that’s enough for now I think….

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