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Topics - Karen Paul

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Child Loss / Hello
« on: December 14, 2009, 07:21:44 AM »
Hi everyone. I haven't posted in quite a while. Just wanted to let you all know that I still think about you and your kids all the time. And hope that you are finding some peace in your lives and that you feel your children close by you this difficult holiday season. A peaceful Chanukah and Christmas to all.

Been missing my nephew Chris so much lately. He would have turned 23 yrs old December 1. Gosh it is so hard to imagine how grown up he would be now. He was almost 17 when he died six years ago. In general I've done much better in this sixth year, but this season always makes me sad. I'm sure it is partially because Chris died in November and his birthday and death date are all wrapped up in the holiday season of Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I just miss his presence in our family so so much. He was our only- only nephew for me and Keith (on my side of the family)- only son of my only sibling, Brian - only grandchild of my parents.

And every now and then that sharp pain of grief strikes again and I realize once more that we all have a lifetime to live without him here to share it with. I have a friend in Buffalo, who's 2 older girls were in a hit and run on Nov 30- driver came through a red light and hit them and took off- has not been caught- I think this brought back all those feelings from when Chris died (from a hit and run)- my friend's children will be ok thank heavens- but it did bring all those suppressed feelings back to the surface.

I just wanted to come and let you know that i'm still here, just not posting so much. And you are all in my heart always.

luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher

Child Loss / Sad weekend in NY
« on: August 10, 2009, 06:05:44 AM »
Such a sad weekend in NY with the plane / helicopter collision over the Hudson River. My heart aches for all the families who lost so much so quickly. And 2 teenage boys, one American, one Italian - gone in an instant.. so tragic and sad.. sending prayers out to those who knew and loved them..

Chris' aunt

Child Loss / It has been a while
« on: May 26, 2009, 05:47:15 AM »
Hello my cherished friends. It has been a few weeks since I have been here much. I think of you all every day though, you and your kids are always in my heart.

It has been a sad couple of weeks for me. I have been thinking so much about the fact that over the past 2 years we have celebrated a nephew and niece graduating from college. Well this is the year that Christopher should have graduated. So there is that emptiness where our celebration for him should be. That never ending silence, the void of what was his vibrant, loving life.

We were with friends on Sunday - their kids range in age from 19-15 so many of them are celebrating high school graduations and kids coming back from their first year in college - and then there is my family - Chris was IT for us.. and Brian will never experience that joy of seeing his son graduate, from high school or college.. of seeing him make his way in the world with all the pride of a devoted father..

We all keep pretty busy - but this time of the year is tough with Mother's Day and graduations and Father's Day - it is just that emptiness that is always there beneath it all.. that sadness and the longing for what should have been.. I guess that will never go away.

luv u all,
Chris' aunt

Child Loss / Easter/Passover
« on: April 13, 2009, 05:53:34 AM »
Hi everybody - didn't get on here this weekend with Easter prep, etc.. - just wanted to say I hope Passover or Easter (whichever you "celebrate") was peaceful for you all..

Last week was a week of turmoil here - upon hearing of the death of Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart from a drunk, hit and run driver - I've been having very sad memories of my sweet nephew Christopher's death at the hands of the same.. and Nick was 22yrs old, which is the age Chris would be today if he were still heart goes out to his family..

Then at the end of the week my employer announced we were going to 4 day work weeks for a while, because we are slow - so we need to tighten our belts at home..  I'm "lucky" in that I don't have to deal with child-care issues as some of my co-workers do, but it is still stressful..

Easter was also our nephew Thaddeus' 17th birthday - so we had my husband's whole family over and my mom and dad and we celebrated Thaddeus' bday - 17, the first one Chris never got to have. That is a tough one for me... so happy for Thaddeus and he is a great kid - just wish Chris got to do all the things he's doing.. I think it was good that my brother was not there, he and his wife were out of town - I think it would have been harder if they were here..

So it's the "day after" and I always find those the hardest days - filled with sadness and melancholy- and so I come to share with you all - the only friends I have that will understand..

luv and hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

Child Loss / Article about Child loss
« on: January 06, 2009, 07:27:25 AM »
I found this article, relating to Child Loss on CNN website - it is relating to Jett Travolta's death - and talks to other bereaved parents..


Child Loss / ugh
« on: December 15, 2008, 07:33:34 AM »
Well I just totally forgot about the Worldwide Candlelighting yesterday - although I had candles lit anyway because we had no power. We lost power Thursday in the middle of the night from an ice storm that swept the northeast leaving a million people without power and downing trees and power lines in many states. We spent the weekend running around hooking up generators and making sure our parents were safe and staying warm (Keith's parents stayed with us Friday and Sat nights and my parents finally went to my brother's yesterday when their house had dipped below 40 degrees the night before)

I can't believe I forgot about the candle lighting - though there were candles lit and I was thinking (when do I not?) about Chris and all our kids here..

Anyway - we finally got power back yesterday evening and I'm hoping my parents will get theirs today. You never think about how much we rely on that electric power until it is cold and dark.

Now I'm behind on my Christmas shopping (which is stressful anyway).. oh well I guess it will get done somehow.. but I may have to brave the stores this year, which I have not really done since Chris died 5 years ago.. hoping the panic attacks don't come back. .we'll see.

Thinking of you all - are there others out there that have been affected by the storm?

hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

Child Loss / LaVonne and Jason
« on: November 14, 2008, 06:51:24 AM »
LaVonne - I can't believe it will be 10 yrs on Sat.. since you lost your handsome boy Jason.. I did not realize it was so long.. and yet, not so long at the same time.. for it always feels like yesterday in some ways it seems.. Know that you and Jason are in my heart at this sad time.. and thank you so much for your support this week for me..

Saying Jason's name out loud  JASON, JASON, JASON

luv and many hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

Child Loss / Christopher - 5 years (sensitive)
« on: November 11, 2008, 07:12:39 AM »
Today is 5yrs since that terrible night. When Amy found Chris on the side of the road less than 1/10 mile from home. Struck by a hit and run driver, with no thoughts for Chris, but only himself. Flashes of memory hit me like bricks.. Brian calling me from the hospital.. the rush to get there, praying the whole way... so many sad memories of that night flood my brain. The terrible pronouncement by the doctor, severe brain stem injuries, not much hope.. what do you mean?! He's only 16! NOOOO!

Tomorrow is Chris' 5th angel date. And though things have "softened" over time.. the memories do not go away and on days like this, they are very fresh. I have not had many words lately.. been at a loss.. but try to describe my feelings at this time.

Why is my nephew not here? Why is he not turning 22 on Dec. 1? Because of the selfish actions of one man, who gets to spend his holidays with his family again this year and all years after. I'm more angry than sad this year, or maybe it is a true mixture. I'm rambling now.. so I'm going to stop and just share my thoughts with all of you, who have been like family to me the past 4 yrs.


What does it feel like?
5 years without you.

Silence has taken up residence
Where your laughter used to be

And though I try to see you
Grown and mature at almost 22
Yet you remain ever 16 (almost 17)
In my mindís eye

This is the loss,
Both greater and deeper
Than any words
Can convey

5 years.

Photos remain unchanged
Upon our mantle
Year upon year

And the silence continues.

Your blue eyes and quick smile
Remain in my mind
Ready at a momentís notice

But the voice I used to hear has faded
Oh how I miss it.

We gather on special days
To talk to you and remember you
All your family, but we separate.

And the silence continues.

We take comfort in signs
That come our way
Your breaking of the silence
On some special days

Butterflies and Dragonflies
And warm feelings of love
Come unexpectedly
From high above

At this 5 year mark
As we struggle through
Signs are so needed
From sweet, special you

You held all our hopes
And dreams
You were our future
And still are, it seems

So we think of you today
And feel you near
Living on deep in our hearts
You are always here

Thinking of you, Chris, on your 5th angel date
November 12, 2008
Luv, aunt Karen


Child Loss / Prayers needed please - sensitive - tragic
« on: September 09, 2008, 06:19:58 AM »
I have to ask for many prayers here please. A neighbor of mine has lost his daughter. I don't know them very well, though they used to have horses where I have my horse and we met that way. They live up the street from me and we always say hello when we see each other in the neighborhood.

Friday night their oldest daughter, 26, was killed when her sister (driving) lost control of the car and crossed into oncoming traffic. Lillian was killed instantly on impact with an oncoming vehicle. Her oldest daughter, 8yrs old was in the back seat and is in critical condition (medically induced coma). Lillian is the mother of 4 children, including a 2-1/2 month old son.

The 2 sisters were on their way to choose bridesmaids dresses for their other sister's wedding next Sept... it is just so so tragic. My mind is so overwhelmed with the grief this family has to deal with now.. and helping raise their grandkids now that their momma is gone.. so so so sad..

I have not approached them yet.. the calling hours are tomorrow evening, so i will go to that.. and will send a donation to the fund they have set up for the kids.. and just let them know that I care.. and will keep letting them know after others have gone back to their lives.. that is when they will really need help.. OMG it is so sad..

When some time has passed I will let them know about you all on this amazing forum.. please pray for little Jasmine to heal and recover..

luv to you all..
Chris' aunt

Child Loss / Larry King Live
« on: August 08, 2008, 05:36:51 AM »
Wondering if anyone saw Larry King last night? He had Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on. Chapman is a Christian singer. He and his wife lost their young daughter Maria Sue in a tragic accident when one of their sons hit her with a family car in their driveway. It was a very moving show and I thought Steven's answers were thoughtful and true..

When asked by a caller what she could do to help a family in a similar situation.. he said, just be there with them... be with them in their grief.. don't say anything.. just be there. There are no words..

That is so true..

There is a link to the show on CNN's website if anyone wants to check it out and see the adorable photos of Maria Sue, adopted from China..

hugs to all,
Karen, Chris' aunt

Child Loss / Our new normal
« on: June 09, 2008, 06:43:07 AM »
Our new normal seems to be worrying about each other.. though we try not to be over the top about it - the fact is it is a part of our lives that wasn't there so much on the surface before..

The other night my hubby and I were sitting together in the evening and he told me that sometimes when I am out and about (riding my horse or out visiting friends) he sits in the house and thinks about what it would be like without me and he doesn't like it - he worries about me when I walk the dog around the neighborhood even - afraid some day something will happen and I won't come home.. I told him I think the same thoughts when he is out.. I told him I think it is because since Chris died we know that anything is possible and tomorrows are not guaranteed - I think we cherish our time together even more and it just puts everything in perspective..

I worry about our parents - worry about my dad when he is out on his motorcycle - worry about my brother if he doesn't call me back right away - so many things I didn't do so much before..

I guess it is natural when you lose someone you love so much, to worry about losing others.. but when Keith told this story to some friends yesterday (how he misses me when I'm gone, etc.) I think they didn't get it - they didn't understand - they just thought "oh how cute" - I think they thought it was a little sappy - I don't care - I'm glad Keith shared his thoughts with me..

Do any of you have these feelings?

luv and hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

me and Keith

Keith with Chris

Child Loss / The Happy and the Sad
« on: May 15, 2008, 06:14:21 AM »
So this week is filled with happy thoughts and sad ones and I'm so tired..

Today is my hubby's bday, 47 today.. We have been married 18 years and I love him more than words..

This Saturday we will travel to Northampton, Mass where our niece Evan will graduate from Smith College. We are so proud of her. She graduated a year early from high school, has done very well at Smith and is looking forward to graduate school in the fall. I can hardly believe she is so grown up at 21 years old. We love her more than words can say..

Also on my mind this week is our nephew Christopher. The man who killed him in November 2003 is coming up for parole in July and will most likely be released by September (having served 4 of his 2-6 yr sentence). I am trying to write a letter to the parole board about release and parole restrictions, etc. How can I possibly explain that this man, with several prior DWIs, who had lost his license in 2000 for a time, chose to drink and drive again and, after hitting Chris just chose to drive away and leave him there, and flee the scene to save himself, to hid and try to fix damage to his truck. This man will be able to resume his life after a 4 year "interruption". Christopher has been given a death sentence. He should also be 21, just three months older than Evan. He should also have graduated high school and he also should be in college. But Chris didn't get to do any of these things, because he never made it to his 17th birthday. Thanks to George Hadden and his purely selfish destruction.

I find that today I am consumed with sadness and anger. This man will get to live his life, and Chris will never have that chance. Does George Hadden have a CLUE? Does he have any clue what he has done? What he has taken from all of us? I cannot imagine that he does. He has never expressed any remorse in any way to us. He lied in court until the evidence proved too much and he had to tell the truth. No sense of responsibility at all. Have 4 years in jail changed him? I hope so.

I've got to get through this today, so when I go home tonight and give my honey a big hug and kiss and tell him Happy Birthday with feeling!

Thanks for letting me ramble on and on..

Chris' aunt

Child Loss / New Parent needs us
« on: May 09, 2008, 05:22:18 AM »
Hi guys - there is a new parent who has posted in the Introduction board under a post titled "How to get through this?" - she needs our help - please go read her story and let her know we are here.

hugs, Karen

Child Loss / Mother's Day
« on: May 06, 2008, 05:57:32 AM »
Thinking of all you mothers on here as that sad day approaches for so many of you.. another mother's day without your child by your side... I think of Amy without Christopher for her 5th Mother's Day.. and wish things were so different for all.. sending this Mother's Day thought out to each of you with big hugs and hoping you feel your children close by you always..

luv Karen, Chris' aunt

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear,
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine.
Except I could not find a card from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears sheís cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know.
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night,
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know youíll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you Iíll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.


Child Loss / John - Happy Birthday on Sunday
« on: April 18, 2008, 06:23:30 AM »
Hey John - I looked at the calendar and noticed that your birthday is Sunday, same day as my mom! And you will be same age as I will on Thursday! So before the weekend starts I just wanted to say Happy Birthday on Sunday and I do hope you have a peaceful day and feel your sweet Danielle close by you, where I know she must be.

luv and hugs,
Chris' aunt

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