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Messages - pike

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: (((pike))) Happy Birthday
« on: September 26, 2011, 12:05:35 PM »
Thanks (((Terry!)))
We treated each other so special all the time but when it was a special day we both took advantage of it as an excuse to really pour the special treatment out! I really do feel that I was SO VERY FORTUNATE to have had a soul mate who I was so totally compatible with! That word doesn't even give what we had justice! I'm sure you and so many others know what I'm talking about! Everything was just so... in sync... when we were together!
Today so far seems to be much better! Thank God! I think I was on the edge yesterday! On the edge of what I don't know! It's like I got my head above water! Thank you again for your kind words! This site is actually helping me now! A few months ago I guess nothing seemed to help! I'm hoping this means I'm moving on at least a little! I read that book, "Heaven is for real" by Todd Burpo and I have to say that it was so inspiring! To know that my Robin Denise can be looking down on me, even praying for me... IN HEAVEN... That's really inspirational!
You have a wonderful day! May God bless you and keep you!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Life without hope and love
« on: September 26, 2011, 11:43:27 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss! A lot of what you said I've said myself! Life just isn't worth living but I, (WE) don't have a choice! Heaven will be worth the wait! My luck I'll live over 100 before I finally get to go! I found some support, these bloggs are REALLY nice but I needed to be around people too! I found this "" they have a lot of information to help us but they also have "Grief support groups" all over! I found one and today will be my 3rd day. It is helping me quite a bit! It doesn't cost anything except for this work book that is $16! I've Learned a lot about how to go with this! I lost my beloved wife to "complications of cancer treatment" 2/9/11. It was sudden! We were beating the cancer but the radiation treatment more than 18 months before eventually caused a "perforation" in her bowel and then doctors misdiagnosed it so by the time they realized it, it was too late! Anyway we're all here with you and for you! I heard one person say you never get over it. You just learn to accept it! I've been leaning on God and yes most times it seems he's nowhere around but I believe he is! I hope you can get beyond these next 5 or 6 months! I'll say a prayer for you and all these others who are going through this! It's a really rough road and I don't know what's up ahead but I do believe that it'll get better! We'll at least be able to hold our heads up once again! The Griefshare site also has information for people who are around you trying to help! I hope you try them! They're helping me! Even if that's all I look forward to! God bless you! God bless all of you!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The best part of me
« on: September 26, 2011, 10:35:56 AM »
John! You are so right! Most times when I DO pick something up usually a guitar I play for hours but this past week it just hasn't been there! My Robin Denise loved to hear me play my mandolin and that's the instrument that makes me really sad when I play in now, (most times!)
I go to my Griefshare group meating today and that's the only thing I look forward to now! I'm going to go ahead and say it! It was already in my mind... I can't believe this!... I used to wake up and look forward to the day! Now I just want to sleep as long as I can! And this me, my, I talk... I wan never about me! I was always more concerned about others! I hate it! Makes me feel like a selfish person! My whole life revolved around my beloved Robin Denise and then our life revolved around God! I always put myself behind her! She got the best of it all and I took second choice! I insisted and she was even uncomfortable with it at first but she got used to it. I kept explaining to her how much she deserved it! She was the same way with me too! We were such a match! Never argued or anything! We were always on the same page! You along with some others have pretty much confirmed that this isn't going away! It's part of who I am now! It's part of who we ALL are now Who have lost a spouse! I read in some grief site that said, "Loosing your spouse totally changes your identity because you're now single again, widowed. Your no longer a couple!" So thinking about that and looking at myself, that's so true! I'm not the same person now! So much of me died with my beautiful green eyed bride!
I could go on and on but I won't! I really miss her and at the same time I'm glad she's not suffering and because of my Christian faith I DO believe that she's in heaven right now and can even see me! There's this book I was told I should read so I got the e version and read it. It was so very uplifting! Called "Heaven is real" by Todd Burpo! If you believe what the bible says you definately should read it! I'm not a big reader but I couldn't put it down! Everything that this kid spoke of is in the scriptures!
Ok before I quit I have to say... Bagpipes.... Hmmm that sounds interesting! So far I've been able to figure out everything I've ever picked up but I'm much better with stringed instruments! I have to say bagpipes do spark my interest! I don't know anybody that doesn't love that sound! Irish whistle sounds interesting too!

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The best part of me
« on: September 25, 2011, 10:25:44 PM »
Sorry! I haven't been on here in a while! How am I? I THOUGHT I was doing a lot better until this week! My birth day and this annual festival our county has really did a number on me! I'm sorry I have to be such a bummer but I'm still disappointed when I wake up! I hate this! It has to change! There's so much legal business I'm still going through and you know how slow the system can be! It's been 269 days and I still go to the cemetery every day, sometimes twice, I cry every day, a lot this past week! I've aquired more musical equipment and at first it seemed to be pretty therapeutic but now I just can't get myself to pick up a guitar or anything! Just don't feel like it! I found a "Grief support group" on and I'm hoping it's going to help! I think it is! I just hope I can gain better control of this before the holidays! My beautiful Robin Denise's birth day is the day before Thanksgiving! I don't know WHAT to do for the holidays but I really don't want to celebrate anything but my "D-Day" as I'm calling it now! Absence from the body-Presence with the Lord...

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The best part of me
« on: August 11, 2011, 01:01:14 PM »
You know, Dave, at one point in 2009 my beloved Robin Denise was even in complete remission! The doctor kept looking for something before he said it and I could tell that he was surprised about something but I had her going on this diet for one thing and we both were on! I read that cancer cells thrive on sugar NOT oxygen like normal cells do so we cut out sugar almost completely from our diets! I believe that it was just too late for her to benefit by then but this "low ketosis" diet basically starves out the cancer cells, also I was looking at the fact that cancer cells can't survive in an oxygen atmosphere! So they thrive on sugar and an acidic atmosphere. Oxygen and no sugar reduces and or eliminates cancer growth! It's a proven fact and even the AMA says it in their medical news letters! These doctors even knowing this wouldn't say anything about a diet to help stop the cancer from growing! They just treat the people, make their money and when the person dies....... NEXT...... That's my feelings about that anyway...... I know that I may be some what critical about the doctors but they have so much power to change how things are done but the majority wont! It would be too much work to make their own path or follow one that's not used as much even though it has much better results and people actually survive!
You described a couple things that kind of reminded me of a couple close friends, Keith & Kim. Kim was lost to COPD. She was on oxygen all the time and kept loosing weight. They were going to do a lung transplant on her but they just couldn't get her weight up enough and Keith lost her! I really felt for him and now here I am!
This is helping me and I hope it's helping others through this low valley! I'm thankful for those of you who have spoke to me through this and I hope that I can help anyone of you also!
Thank you Pam for your kind words! I just saw your post just before I posted this! Well I'm off to the cemetery! Thank you ALL for your kind words and sharing! I hope this is helping others as well! One thing I've been learning and getting better at,.... I've heard so many who have been through the same thing tell me that you never get over it you just learn to accept it! Well that's a pretty true statement because I'm telling you, the pain has never gotten any less! I still feel that the best part of me is gone now and I still catch myself saying "I can't believe this happened"... "What do I do now???"

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The best part of me
« on: August 10, 2011, 10:28:06 PM »
I appreciate the responses! I truly do!
Terry, you got a huge smile and even chuckle out of me!
Arthur, Thanks! Trust me when I say I DO cry... Several times a day just like you said! I'm truly sorry for your loss too dude! Really I am! I actually HAVE came a long way but still have a long way to go I think!
Browneyedgirl.... like the song??? Thank you for welcoming me as the others!
One thing that's hard for me is I never was all about me! I always want to be for others, you know, "my brothers keeper" so here goes.... Hang on..
I have these times when I feel so good about everything even with the messed up things that are still going on, then I'm in the lowest valley in the world it seems and back to crying at the bedside where my beloved would be laying or looking at my latest photo of her! I'm still going to the cemetery every day and sometimes twice in a day! I just have to go there! It's like a sanctuary to me now!
I've been playing lead guitar in a "Praise and Worship" band. It's been a little difficult mostly because I'm from the old school, self taught, I don't want to look at a paper in front of me! Just give me a list of what to play in order and I'll play it! The person in charge kind of makes it more of a mathematical equation rather than a artistic expression or as I call a "lead lick" I'm just more used to playing what I feel and yes it can be pretty helpful to play something raunchy when you're mad, bluesy when you're sad, "most of what I play" although I do have my moments as I said! Anyone had any dreams of their lost? At first I didn't really notice anything different other than I've been sleeping pretty solid ever since I lost my Robin Denise! I believe it's because depression makes you sleepy or something! I've has several dreams, mostly with my beloved wife in them! Pretty strange dreams too! Of course I started researching Christian dream interpretation, dream symbols, etc. It's very interesting to say the least!
I DID have a dream months before I lost my beloved Robin Denise and in the dream she died! At that point in time that would have been so devastating to me that I just couldn't even think about that dream! I shook it off and quickly forgot all about it! I just couldn't figure out WHY I had a dream like that! Well it was God warning me! Then she DID die! And it WAS the most totally devastating thing to happen in my life! Now it's been just a couple days over six months ago and I STILL want to be gone from this life! I don't want to be here anymore! That's something that I don't think will ever change for me but it's OK! There's no reason for me to be here anymore! I NOW understand the saying, "I'm NOT of this world!" I feel like an alien that crashed on earth and am stuck here now! I will NEVER do anything to cause my own death! I truly feel that there's no choice in that matter! I'm here regardless if I WANT to be or NOT! I'm hear! Again... Scriptures say that earth is just a copy of what heaven is like! WOW!
I believe that the hardest part for me is knowing that it was the treatments for the cancer that cause me to loose my beloved Robin Denise! Not the cancer! Radiation caused a perforation in her bowel which the hospital didn't even look to see what the pain was in her stomach that suddenly started. She gave it a 10 on the pain scale from 0 to 10 and she was a chronic pain sufferer so if she said a 10 it was probably worse than that!
Also we never got a chance to say good bye or anything like that! I knew that she could hear and understand me but she couldn't talk to me mostly because of a ventilator they had on her! When they had me leave the room to do something they noticed that she would get excited and squirm but when they said to call me back in she'd calm back down. When I first came to her as soon as she heard my voice she flashed her eyes open but they had some kind of mucous on them so I don't think she could see me very good. She couldn't have but she responded to everything I said so from that point on I kissed her all over her cheeks and forehead and everywhere else on her face I could! I held her hand and when I'd ask her to squeeze my hand she would so she could hear and understand me! They told me that they wouldn't perform the emergency surgery because she'd die on the table. I felt that that didn't mean that she would die and the other two options were to just helplessly watch her die slowly or allow them to take her off the dozen or so IVs and take of the ventilator which is after the one night, I talked to her main doctor and then our pastors I let them unhook her so to speak! I still feel that they could have at least tried but they wouldn't! I promised her that I wouldn't give up on her! That I'd fight for every breath for her. We discussed it very little but I told her that I'd fight tooth and nail for her! I remember telling her that if I ended up with Alzheimer's or any kind of dementia to just put me in a nursing home because I didn't want her to go through trying to take care of me and then this happened. It happened so fast! Like I said, we didn't really get the chance to say anything to each other! I never said anything about her dying! I kept fighting to the end! I just couldn't give up and I'm still having trouble giving up! Not as bad as a few months ago but it's still there! I believe that's where all the crying comes in! OK this is long enough! Thanks everyone for your support and replies! I truly appreciate you all!

Spouse, Partner Loss / The best part of me
« on: May 03, 2011, 01:00:29 PM »
2/9/2011, 12:37 PM The biggest, best part of me was taken away from me! Now all that's left is a hollow shell or so that's how it feels! My life is so empty now! After being a loaner for so long a time then to be with the love of my life for less than 5 years! It just wasn't long enough! Some tell me about someone they knew who were together for 30 years and now there is only one! I only WISH I could've got 10 more years with my beloved Robin Denise but I didn't! She became more beautiful with every passing day! I used to tell her, "Have I told you lately how beAutiful you are? She'd look at me with those beautiful green eyes, so full of love and say in a calm voice Yes! Have I told you lately how much I love you? Yes! You DO know that my love for you is strong, I don't even know how deep my love for you is!" That deep, deep love I thought I'd never know in MY life time has turned into the deepest pain I never could immagine! Now a week has turned into a month, now 3 months. What now? Why was I left here with all this pain? Will it ever go away? How long will it be before I can leave this world? I'm ready now! This world has NOTHING for me now! They say I have to go on, that my Robin Denise would WANT me to go on! I know that! I don't have a choice! I could go on a d on but what's the use? Just like every morning when I wake and think what's the use? I just miss my beloved Robin Denise! Those beautiful green eyes! That laugh, smile! Her eyes smiled when she did! She left with a smile!

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