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Messages - wintersnow

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1
Child Loss / Re: Please Let me go back..
« on: April 20, 2009, 01:13:11 AM »
Oh sweetheart you are not alone...  we all pass this way.  I know it hurts so bad.  Those tears must come and you have to cry it out.  My son taught me everything I know about life and love and with his death he taught me about despair. 

Ian has passed on.  .  .  but your daughter is still here.  Each day is all we have.  This moment.  This time.  There is no tomorrow.  No yesterday.  Only now.  Love her.  Hold her.  Tell how much she means to you and how happy your are that she gave you Ian.  Even if we don't have them now we had them once.  We had them once.  She is still here with you.

We can be grateful for the ones who are still here with us.  .  .  while we cry for the ones who are not.   

2
Child Loss / Re: Not Sure Of What is Right
« on: April 20, 2009, 12:56:32 AM »
Your so sweet to be there for them. 

People left meals at our door every day after Rick died... for weeks and weeks.  Later on we just wanted to hide and cry.  Being with people was just too much for us.   But we have no other children and our families don't live near.

Eventually we left the area.  We've spent the last 4 years just with each other trying to survive the grief.

Their angel days are so difficult...  Birthdays too.  I want to see him so much...  I want to see what he would look like now...  if he had survived..  so I'm looking for an age progression program or something on the internet so I can pretend he's getting older.

Everybody's different.  Ask them what you can do for them and then do that.


3
Sibling Loss / Re: Loss of my baby, brother and mother in 4 days
« on: April 19, 2009, 09:01:02 PM »
Oh Kelly I am so very sorry for all of your losses.  I can't even read all the posts here for fear I will be crying so hard I won't be able to handle it today.

God bless you baby...  it's gonna take a long time I know but you will be able to walk out the door again someday and see the sun shine.  Don't give up girlfriend.  We will be here for you when you want to talk.

This is a good place to cry...  I've been doing it since 2007.  There's a great bunch of people here with some real strong shoulders.

Remember to breathe.  I know it's hard to believe right now but things will get better.  I promise.


4
Child Loss / Re: My Josh
« on: April 15, 2009, 06:26:25 PM »
Oooooh  vertigo is awful.... I get it a lot.  6-8 weeks before that's better....   no sitting in the back seat of cars..bleak...   no tilting the head to read the names of books on the shelves... barf position..    Tell him to take it slow and hang onto the wall!  It gets better as you go on....  the first time is the worst for me...

Kiss that child... over and over and over and over and over and over and over

5
Child Loss / Re: !!! Warning Tearfull!!!
« on: April 15, 2009, 06:14:50 PM »
Browneyedgirl....  I'm afraid the people who can help you with this may not see it imbedded in this topic.   You might start a fresh topic and then everyone who may be able to help can see it then.

My loss was +4 years ago and I am still grieving.  But both of my children are gone now and I don't have their children or any children to hold and love.  If I did I don't think I would be as bad off as I still am.

Your mother has to go through all of it.  She has to work through the grief.  The best advice I got was to "stay on the upward spiral."  The grief spiral.  It looks like this:

The Upward Spiral                  The Downward Spiral 
Numbness/Shock                      Numbness/Shock
Emptiness/Solitude                   Emptiness/Isolation
Anxiety/Guilt/Shame                  Fear/Anxiety/Guilt/Shame
Anger/Irritability                        Anger/Animosity
Sadness/Grief                           Resentment/Bitterness
Acceptance                               Sadness/Despair


They are so similar it's sometimes hard to know where we are.

If grandmother is having such a difficult time and raising his son I'm thinking ....  how is the child doing?  He's got to be feeling afraid, unsure, lonely....   Mom could cling to him?  Sometimes my arms ache so much I want to hold a child...  anyone's child.  But that didn't start until much later....  It's hard...  I know... 

I am so very sorry for your loss


6
Child Loss / Re: Easter/Passover
« on: April 13, 2009, 11:19:28 PM »
I hate this holiday.  My son died on Good Friday.  Easter changes it's date every year so we start to remember and grieve again on the 24 of March and it just sits on us like a fat bullfrog until Easter is finally over. . .   It won't be on that date again till 2016.  He'll have been dead 11 years by then.

Do you think maybe I'll be over it by then?  Probably not.


7
Child Loss / Re: !!! Warning Tearfull!!!
« on: April 13, 2009, 11:09:53 PM »
Oh not tearful at all... Such a wonderful child.  God bless him and keep him and protect him all the days of his life.

I am so jealous I am green with envy.  You have his son.  I wanted a grandchild so very much.  I am so happy for you.

8
Child Loss / Re: LOSEING YOUR FIRST BORN AND BEST FRIEND
« on: April 13, 2009, 10:49:05 PM »
My son was my best friend too.  It's the fifth year for us without him and it feels like he died yesterday.  Your right to search for a new beginning.  I think there is healing in that.  You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. 

9
Child Loss / Re: WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
« on: April 13, 2009, 10:39:29 PM »
Only the lucky ones fall apart right away...  The rest of us save it for later....  What you say will depend on their condition at the funeral.  You might tell her your here for her when she needs you.  Then keep visiting her and be there for her.  This is a long hard road we travel together.  Everyone is at a different stage of grief.  No way to know what the right thing is to say.  I love you works.  Sharing memories of them works.  Sharing any pictures you may have works.  Sharing yourself when she is ready will work too

Maybe the thing your going to DO is to be there for the young mother...  pregnant mothers are survivors...   That mommy is going to need help...  when is she going to be able to grieve? 

I can't help thinking...  if we could just hold a child of our son's in our arms....  it could have made all the difference....

10
Child Loss / Re: My Josh
« on: April 13, 2009, 10:29:13 PM »
OH MY GOSH  that is the most WONDERFUL thing I have heard in a long long time.

Thank you so much for sharing that!  I am in a puddle of tears!  I could hug you both! :D ;D

11
Child Loss / Re: Just so sad and need to share this
« on: April 13, 2009, 10:25:37 PM »
I hear you Terry.  I feel everything you say. I do believe that all dogs go to heaven.  I can't imagine God not wanting them there.

I had to put my Ricky's dog down last summer.  Poor dog was sick for a long time before I could do it...  He was such a good dog... I whispered in his ear as he passed on "Showdee...go find Ricky...go find Ricky."  I want to believe that they are together.

I have a friend that owns an old folks home.  She tells me she can always tell when one of her guests is going to pass on because they start to see family members, friends and pets that have died before them.

ALL of them are waiting for us.  We will see them again.  sniff sniff... I have to see him again.

12
Main / Re: Can't Sleep.
« on: August 17, 2008, 09:49:51 AM »
I know your grief.  I know your guilt.  But it's not your fault.  There is no way you could stop what happened.  .  .  The same as me . . . we can't hold back the hands of time. . . If they are going to die... to take their lives... to have their lives taken from them... then it will happen and we can't stop it.  You must believe it and tell it to yourself every day.  Because you must live with it.  And to do that you must realize that you can't control anything ...  sometimes we can't even control ourselves.  But we can control one minute... one small place in this time machine we live in...  and in this minute I say it's not your fault.  It was NEVER your fault.  You've got to let that one go.

Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to one to one.  I would surely be happy to talk to you or anyone else in the email. 1:1  You don't have to lock yourself into this board.  Take care of yourself.  Do something for yourself every day.

13
Main / Re: I just released him
« on: August 17, 2008, 09:23:25 AM »
This is the walk we all must take...  one foot in front of the other... like atomatons we walk through these first days...  the funeral helped to move us through the week after Rick's death...  but I don't know what the answer is for you...  to get through the years that follow.  My husband... my son's stepfather made all the arrangements... I couldn't do it.  But I had graduating seniors.... so three days after his death I went back to school and taught my students.  I made it to June and then quit.  We sold our home and drove away in an RV.  We are still in the RV... God help us.

It seems it was easier then... and now I still grieve and it doesn't go away.  Hold on to your family and friends.  Lean on them.  They are there for YOU not for themselves...  They are waiting for you to fall apart so that they can catch you.  Let your emotions go.  cry.  sob.  yell.  You don't have to be strong.  Just let it go... now... while everyone is there for you.

14
Main / Re: Anything better than xanax?
« on: August 17, 2008, 09:03:09 AM »
.25 mg is such a very small dosage.  The reason I like Xanax is that I can take it when I need it and leave it alone when I don't...  but I take 1 and sometimes 2 mg.  I've worked my way up from .25 mg when my Rick was the teenager-from-heck...  his death sent me over the .5 mark to 1mg.  I haven't had any in almost a year...  but I know I need to get some to keep on had for the very bad bad days...

Most of the anti-depressants you have to start taking them and they are psychotropic drugs so you can't just stop taking them.  You have to wean off.

I am so sorry - Patrick's Mom - that your son lost his life to the drug.  My son was abusing drugs also...  I know they are free from the pain and suffering now... they are happy in heaven... even though we are miserable and suffering without them.  The hope that I will see Rick again is what makes me march through another day... oh look.. it is light outside... must be another day.

15
Child Loss / Re: I Dreamt Michael Was Alive
« on: August 17, 2008, 02:34:57 AM »
Annette,

The anti depressants helped me with the grief.  Without xanax I couldn't have made it through the funeral let alone the first year.  Maybe it's time to get a different psychiatrist...  and a whole lot of xanax.

I have noticed that medical people who have not suffered a great loss tend to not be able to help very much.  They just don't understand.   Sometimes I just had to knock myself out for a day or two just to get over the crying.  Xanax helps with that too.  I don't take it any more but I sure could use it right now.  It's almost 3am.

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