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Child Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday, Clayton! ((((( Missy-lionness955 )))))
« on: August 04, 2012, 11:41:00 PM »This is the first time in several years that I have had a garden and I have had so much fin with it even we have had a bad drought. I go out there every evening to water and check to see how things are growing. I have canned a lot of pickles and banana peppers.
I've been real busy this summer. Have had a lot of company off and on and always glad to get my house back! What have you been doing? And, how was your precious Clayton's Birthday? Do anything special?
I've adopted another animal a pretty female puppy that I named Macy. She was about 4 months old when I got her and the first time I saw her I went over to pet her and she coward down to the ground looked up at me with scared eyes and was shaking. That broke my heart and I had to make her mine so I could love her and let her be a loved puppy. Driving home with her I knew the spouse would ring my neck but she was worth it. Much to my surprise he took one look at her and fell in love, said he has never seen such a pretty dog. Phew! I do still sew and craft I do not think I can stop doing that. SO between the quilting, Macy, the garden plus the usual domestic demands I can keep myself occupied. Oh lets not forget the yard sales and weekly thrift store visit, thats the source for a lot of my quilting supplies.
The business did not work out as well as I had hoped. I am glad that I did not put a lot of money in to but it was fun though.
Love ya, Missy
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Child Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday, Clayton! ((((( Missy-lionness955 )))))
« on: August 04, 2012, 07:56:14 PM »
Thank you so much Terrry and Browneyed. I have been trying to keep myself busy then my 17 yr old cousin took her own life Thur. Going to her viewing today took me right back to Clayton's services. There was an eerie familiarity that just bought all the pain, sadness and anger back to the surface.
I did talk to her mom for a moment, to let her know that I am there for her any time of day or night and gave her my email address. She also works where my husband does so I told him a few things that I want him to do. Such as still talk to her say hi just like he always does and to act normal dont look sad when you talk to her and do not avoid her.
Thanks again and hugs, I hope you are all enjoying the summer.
Clayton's Mom
I did talk to her mom for a moment, to let her know that I am there for her any time of day or night and gave her my email address. She also works where my husband does so I told him a few things that I want him to do. Such as still talk to her say hi just like he always does and to act normal dont look sad when you talk to her and do not avoid her.
Thanks again and hugs, I hope you are all enjoying the summer.
Clayton's Mom
3
Child Loss / Re: Its been almost a year
« on: March 23, 2012, 08:51:36 PM »
Thank you all for so much support. I was out running some errands the other day, it was a pretty day I felt pretty good - had the windows down and the radio turned up! I stop to run into a quikie mart for some smokes while waiting in line I saw a Butterfinger candy bar, I kind of smiled and thought of how much Clayton loved them, then all of a sudden I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I started to just leave but then realized I am out of smokes and so I tried to choke back the tears long enough to get what I needed. When I got to the counter I could not even tell the girl what I needed so I pointed. I went back home after that and put off the rest of my errands until another time. I cried off and on for the rest of the day and partly into the next day.
I amazes me how I can go from a pretty good mood to an almost incoherent sobbing mess in no time at all. So many things remind me of him, I even see people his age and think wow he looks so much like him. I am glad that I have a forum full of people that I can talk to about that, without any of them thinking I am a lunatic.
Clayton's Mom
I amazes me how I can go from a pretty good mood to an almost incoherent sobbing mess in no time at all. So many things remind me of him, I even see people his age and think wow he looks so much like him. I am glad that I have a forum full of people that I can talk to about that, without any of them thinking I am a lunatic.
Clayton's Mom
4
Child Loss / Re: Reintroducing Ourselves
« on: March 22, 2012, 11:14:42 PM »
Thank you Terry, I do not see a message from you.
I have always loved animals I find them so soothing. I have a 40 g tank filled with guppies I can sit for hours and just watch them swim about all carefree!
Annabelle is one of many strays that have found a home here, I cannot turn them away. T
These are my boys
Last June Annabelle was pregnant the plan then was to get her fixed as soon as possible after she had the kittens. She had them and we spent days searching everywhere for the kittens with no luck. About the same time I decided I was going to make a memorial flower garden for Clayton. The spouse bought be a rose bush but forgot what color the roses were. We waited for it to bloom, one night he came in and had the funniest look on his face and said "First thing in the morning I am taking that rose bush back because I am certain I got the wrong kind. If it blooms all summer we are going to be in trouble!"
There are 7 kittens in that planter!
I have always loved animals I find them so soothing. I have a 40 g tank filled with guppies I can sit for hours and just watch them swim about all carefree!
Annabelle is one of many strays that have found a home here, I cannot turn them away. T
These are my boys
Last June Annabelle was pregnant the plan then was to get her fixed as soon as possible after she had the kittens. She had them and we spent days searching everywhere for the kittens with no luck. About the same time I decided I was going to make a memorial flower garden for Clayton. The spouse bought be a rose bush but forgot what color the roses were. We waited for it to bloom, one night he came in and had the funniest look on his face and said "First thing in the morning I am taking that rose bush back because I am certain I got the wrong kind. If it blooms all summer we are going to be in trouble!"
There are 7 kittens in that planter!
5
Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: March 22, 2012, 03:44:00 PM »
I live in Ky grew up in Louisville growing up I felt I had to get out and away from Ky so I went to Florida realized there is no place like home moved back to more rural area and I love it. Its so rural there is not a Wal Mart in this entire county!
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Child Loss / Re: Reintroducing Ourselves
« on: March 22, 2012, 03:02:02 PM »
Hi its hard to say how long I have really been here - calendar wise its been a little over a year, emotionally and physically it feels like I have been going through this for a lifetime or longer. I lost my son on Feb 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm, he was 20 years old.
The day I found out an old friend that I had lost touch with called to see how I was doing, we did this every 6 months to a year. I told her I had heard about a fatal wreck on I-65 and told her I worry about Clayton when I hear about stiff like that. She knew about Clayton passing away but at this point I did not. She asked if I had talked to his dad or papaw in the last day, of course I said no that I had talked with Clayton via email a day or two ago. She had a very stern sound to her voice and said I needed to call his Papaw right now. I asked what was going on and she said just call him right now. In my mind I figured his Nanna might have had another heart attack or was not doing very well. So I called and found out my son had died 2 days ago and that his funeral and burial was the next day. He told me that he suffered a massive heart attack and for me not to worry that he was asleep so he did not feel any pain.
My numb body went to his funeral and services. Even though I saw his body there and I saw the casket go in to the ground I was in denial. Since I was not there when he passed I told myself there had to be a mistake, my son was not dead. I decided I would get the autopsy report, that would help me clear this up. I called the coroner there was no autopsy done. I thought ok so a 20 yr old boy who has no history of heart trouble dies from a massive cardiac arrest and no autopsy is done. At this point, from what I was told he had passed away at home while taking a nap, so no autopsy did not make sense to me at all. I talk to some his friends and find out that the cardiac arrest was caused from an illegal drug over dose. That makes a little more sense but again no autopsy? I send off to get his death certificate, it does state the cause of death as illegal drug over dose it also says he was in the ER when he passed away. He arrived at 2 pm and died within 4 hours. 4 hours my baby laid dying in the ER for 4 hours and no one called me. My next step was to get the medical records and find out what really happened. I have tried many many times to get his medical records and each time my request is mailed back to me asking for something more. It started off I only needed to be his parent / legal guardian or executor of his estate and submit a request form. This last time I sent them a color copy of my ID, his birth certif and death certif a letter stating why I wanted the records as well as their request form. They are now saying I need to be the executor, I called them and said he is 20 his estate consists of things his father and I bought him and a room in the house. He was unmarried, no children and did not have any assets or property. I have consulted a lawyer on this and hope to get the records soon, its seems like the more I am told I cannot get the more determined I am to get them. I do not suspect any foul play I just want his records I am his mom I want to know what happened.
My support system has been this forum and few others when they are not avoiding me. None of my family went to his funeral or services. My husband, who is not his father, and his family have been support but after a few months they started to act as though I should be over this by now. 6 months after he passed was his birthday I was not handling it very well, when someone his family asked why I was upset then said Oh that again after being told why I snapped and told them I spent 9 months of pregnancy and 20 years loving him and watching him grow in to the young man he was so there was no way that I would just get over that in a month or two.
I was very depressed for several months and even tried to commit suicide, in my mind I honestly felt that the only way to fix this was to go be with him where ever he was. I was in the hospital for a while and am still taking medicine to help me deal with the depression. I tried to find something to do with myself, so that I did not just sit and cry or think. My lack of interest and motivation made that hard. I decided I would make him a memorial quilt, something I could hold close to me. After I got that quilt finished I kept on making quilts since that was something I could do that did not require a lot of thinking and kept my hands and mind busy. Before to long I had a lot of quilts. People told me to sell them but that did not seem right to me, I wanted to do something good them. I started donating them to places that needed them. I still make quilts all the time and really enjoy it.
I have something else to help fill my time lately. Meet Annabelle
A few months before Clayton passed away we had a stray cat show up. This was not unusual, there were already 3 others and a dog out there that were strays. She is now pregnant and about to pop, I worried about her having the kittens outside or under the house so I brought her in the house. Also with her in the house I can make sure she and the kittens stay safe and get enough to eat. I did not realize how much I needed something to take care of and nurture until I brought her in. Since the spouse works nights she is the perfect companion to keep me calm when I am home alone. I have struggled lately with trying to finding a purpose for myself and she is helping me with that!
Clayton's Mom
The day I found out an old friend that I had lost touch with called to see how I was doing, we did this every 6 months to a year. I told her I had heard about a fatal wreck on I-65 and told her I worry about Clayton when I hear about stiff like that. She knew about Clayton passing away but at this point I did not. She asked if I had talked to his dad or papaw in the last day, of course I said no that I had talked with Clayton via email a day or two ago. She had a very stern sound to her voice and said I needed to call his Papaw right now. I asked what was going on and she said just call him right now. In my mind I figured his Nanna might have had another heart attack or was not doing very well. So I called and found out my son had died 2 days ago and that his funeral and burial was the next day. He told me that he suffered a massive heart attack and for me not to worry that he was asleep so he did not feel any pain.
My numb body went to his funeral and services. Even though I saw his body there and I saw the casket go in to the ground I was in denial. Since I was not there when he passed I told myself there had to be a mistake, my son was not dead. I decided I would get the autopsy report, that would help me clear this up. I called the coroner there was no autopsy done. I thought ok so a 20 yr old boy who has no history of heart trouble dies from a massive cardiac arrest and no autopsy is done. At this point, from what I was told he had passed away at home while taking a nap, so no autopsy did not make sense to me at all. I talk to some his friends and find out that the cardiac arrest was caused from an illegal drug over dose. That makes a little more sense but again no autopsy? I send off to get his death certificate, it does state the cause of death as illegal drug over dose it also says he was in the ER when he passed away. He arrived at 2 pm and died within 4 hours. 4 hours my baby laid dying in the ER for 4 hours and no one called me. My next step was to get the medical records and find out what really happened. I have tried many many times to get his medical records and each time my request is mailed back to me asking for something more. It started off I only needed to be his parent / legal guardian or executor of his estate and submit a request form. This last time I sent them a color copy of my ID, his birth certif and death certif a letter stating why I wanted the records as well as their request form. They are now saying I need to be the executor, I called them and said he is 20 his estate consists of things his father and I bought him and a room in the house. He was unmarried, no children and did not have any assets or property. I have consulted a lawyer on this and hope to get the records soon, its seems like the more I am told I cannot get the more determined I am to get them. I do not suspect any foul play I just want his records I am his mom I want to know what happened.
My support system has been this forum and few others when they are not avoiding me. None of my family went to his funeral or services. My husband, who is not his father, and his family have been support but after a few months they started to act as though I should be over this by now. 6 months after he passed was his birthday I was not handling it very well, when someone his family asked why I was upset then said Oh that again after being told why I snapped and told them I spent 9 months of pregnancy and 20 years loving him and watching him grow in to the young man he was so there was no way that I would just get over that in a month or two.
I was very depressed for several months and even tried to commit suicide, in my mind I honestly felt that the only way to fix this was to go be with him where ever he was. I was in the hospital for a while and am still taking medicine to help me deal with the depression. I tried to find something to do with myself, so that I did not just sit and cry or think. My lack of interest and motivation made that hard. I decided I would make him a memorial quilt, something I could hold close to me. After I got that quilt finished I kept on making quilts since that was something I could do that did not require a lot of thinking and kept my hands and mind busy. Before to long I had a lot of quilts. People told me to sell them but that did not seem right to me, I wanted to do something good them. I started donating them to places that needed them. I still make quilts all the time and really enjoy it.
I have something else to help fill my time lately. Meet Annabelle
A few months before Clayton passed away we had a stray cat show up. This was not unusual, there were already 3 others and a dog out there that were strays. She is now pregnant and about to pop, I worried about her having the kittens outside or under the house so I brought her in the house. Also with her in the house I can make sure she and the kittens stay safe and get enough to eat. I did not realize how much I needed something to take care of and nurture until I brought her in. Since the spouse works nights she is the perfect companion to keep me calm when I am home alone. I have struggled lately with trying to finding a purpose for myself and she is helping me with that!
Clayton's Mom
7
Child Loss / Re: Kammie's Story
« on: March 22, 2012, 12:34:17 AM »
I am sorry for the loss of your darling daughter. {{{hugs}}} My prayers are with you
Clayton's Mom
Clayton's Mom
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Child Loss / Re: Child Loss - board info
« on: March 22, 2012, 12:24:29 AM »
I am kind of split on this, when I first came to WH I read through a lot of the post to see if this was the type of forum I was looking for.
On the other had I do think that a private board would be good. I find that when I post I restrict and edit what I say so that unwanted people cannot identify me.
I guess to sum it up a private board would be good and would feel more secure.
On the other had I do think that a private board would be good. I find that when I post I restrict and edit what I say so that unwanted people cannot identify me.
I guess to sum it up a private board would be good and would feel more secure.
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Child Loss / Re: Its been almost a year
« on: February 12, 2012, 11:52:07 AM »Terry I am so sorry to hear about your dad. {{{{{{hugs my friend}}}}} I bet the holiday were especially trying and hard for you.I know what you mean by those cliche's. The people saying them mean well and usually do not know what to say. I snapped one day when someone told me I should be happy he is in Heaven. I told them that I cannot find one single reason to be happy that my son is dead that I want him here with me! I felt like Sally Field in the post funeral scene of "Steel Magnolia's"
Its true Jello cannot hold up Jello but if they stick real close together neither of them will fall flat.
I must tell you that in the past 6 months I have gotten a lot of strength from you. When I need I reread the replies you sent me and your posts. This might sound a little crazy but there have been a few times when I would be really struggling with something and I would think to myself - ok now I talked to Terry about this and make myself step back to think.
Sending you more hugs to you.
Clayton's Mommy
10
Child Loss / Its been almost a year
« on: February 12, 2012, 06:14:04 AM »
In 4 days it will be one year since Clayton passed away. As the 16th draws closer I find my mind dwelling on what he was going through this time last year. I find myself filled with more guilt, could I have done something to make things turn out different. More anger builds up about the way somethings did happen. I still have unanswered questions and I have tried to get those solved but ran into road blocks. That has only driven me to be more forceful in getting the answers I demand. I have had a lot of struggles with deep depression in the past year.
The holidays were rough but I decided to get a seasonal job as a shipping clerk, that helped. As Christmas got closer I worked more and more hours which gave me less free time to think and a nice paycheck at the end of the week to boot.
My support system is pretty dysfunctional and my inability to trust people prevents me from opening to very many people. I have not talked to my sister or two of my brothers since last June. They did not go to my sons funeral or the funeral home yet are mad at me and will not talk to me as if I was the one who did something wrong. My mother, who also did not attend any services, lives in her happy oblivion that does not even worry or comprehend the hurt that her or my siblings caused by not going.
I have my husband, who was not his father, and his family were very supportive but after a few months they started to act like I had mourned long enough and needed move on. I over heard a conversation between my spouse and his mother, I felt really sad and laid around that day. His mo asked if I was ill and he told her I was thinking about Clayton and feeling down, her reply oh that again - I thought she was over that. REALLY?! I was floored, but I did not say anything to her I was not in the mood to get in to all that with her. A few days later I did talk to my husband about all of it. He does not that it takes time and there will be good and bad days. I can tell however that he does not know how to act or react when I am down, being a Mr Fixit he feels helpless because there is nothing he can do to make it all better. I have explained that the best thing he can do is just be there in the room with me. I am going to cry, I am going to get mad about it all, I am going to reexamine every detail as if I could change things now, mostly because I am a mom, a woman and that is who I am. I never just accept things, I question them, I debate the options and look for the hidden things in all situations so why I would I just lay down and take this without a fight?
I had buried myself in making quilts a little after Clayton passed away. I need something to do other than lay in bed. I could not think clear and felt like I was in fog all the time so I could not concentrate on crosswords, games or other things I usually like. I started sewing some quilt projects I had started before. That has proved to be a very helpful thing for me. Some days I sit and sew all day long. My husband is very supportive of that hobby. He is normally a tight wad when it comes to frivolous spending but never says a word when I buy fabrics, thread or other things I need for quilting. After a few months I had a lot of quilts and was not sure what to do with them. I started donating them to local missions, nursing homes and domestic abuse shelters. I made these as a way to get through my grief and in memory of my son so I wanted to do something good with them. I still do a lot of quilting and have started making premie and newborn size quilts for the NICU at the hospital near me. This helps me feel like I have a purpose, I struggle with that a lot since Clayton passed.
I am very grateful for everyone that I have talked to here. The one thing that has helped was knowing that every feeling, emotion and thought I had someone else had as well. I was not alone in my suffering. While I felt completely alone I knew there was someone I could talk to that REALLY DID KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. Thank you all and Blessing to you all.
Clayton's mommy
The holidays were rough but I decided to get a seasonal job as a shipping clerk, that helped. As Christmas got closer I worked more and more hours which gave me less free time to think and a nice paycheck at the end of the week to boot.
My support system is pretty dysfunctional and my inability to trust people prevents me from opening to very many people. I have not talked to my sister or two of my brothers since last June. They did not go to my sons funeral or the funeral home yet are mad at me and will not talk to me as if I was the one who did something wrong. My mother, who also did not attend any services, lives in her happy oblivion that does not even worry or comprehend the hurt that her or my siblings caused by not going.
I have my husband, who was not his father, and his family were very supportive but after a few months they started to act like I had mourned long enough and needed move on. I over heard a conversation between my spouse and his mother, I felt really sad and laid around that day. His mo asked if I was ill and he told her I was thinking about Clayton and feeling down, her reply oh that again - I thought she was over that. REALLY?! I was floored, but I did not say anything to her I was not in the mood to get in to all that with her. A few days later I did talk to my husband about all of it. He does not that it takes time and there will be good and bad days. I can tell however that he does not know how to act or react when I am down, being a Mr Fixit he feels helpless because there is nothing he can do to make it all better. I have explained that the best thing he can do is just be there in the room with me. I am going to cry, I am going to get mad about it all, I am going to reexamine every detail as if I could change things now, mostly because I am a mom, a woman and that is who I am. I never just accept things, I question them, I debate the options and look for the hidden things in all situations so why I would I just lay down and take this without a fight?
I had buried myself in making quilts a little after Clayton passed away. I need something to do other than lay in bed. I could not think clear and felt like I was in fog all the time so I could not concentrate on crosswords, games or other things I usually like. I started sewing some quilt projects I had started before. That has proved to be a very helpful thing for me. Some days I sit and sew all day long. My husband is very supportive of that hobby. He is normally a tight wad when it comes to frivolous spending but never says a word when I buy fabrics, thread or other things I need for quilting. After a few months I had a lot of quilts and was not sure what to do with them. I started donating them to local missions, nursing homes and domestic abuse shelters. I made these as a way to get through my grief and in memory of my son so I wanted to do something good with them. I still do a lot of quilting and have started making premie and newborn size quilts for the NICU at the hospital near me. This helps me feel like I have a purpose, I struggle with that a lot since Clayton passed.
I am very grateful for everyone that I have talked to here. The one thing that has helped was knowing that every feeling, emotion and thought I had someone else had as well. I was not alone in my suffering. While I felt completely alone I knew there was someone I could talk to that REALLY DID KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. Thank you all and Blessing to you all.
Clayton's mommy
11
Child Loss / Re: Clayton's Birthday
« on: October 01, 2011, 06:42:04 AM »
Things have been a little rough lately. Jamey's uncle passed away a month or so ago. The day after his funeral his mamaw had another heart attack and we had to take her to the hosp. When she got home she was having a lot of trouble breathing and things just seem to be going down hill for her. Then we found out her home oxygen machine was only working at 20% so that was why her oxygen lvl was staying so low. She is now back in the hosp. and has been for well over a week, she is in CCU they have told us she will be there at the least a month and that she will not go home for a while she will need to go to rehab. They at first could not figure out the problem, checked for blood clots in her lungs but they said there were none. Her Dr is great, he sat down with us and her chart one day going over everything as if we were his family. While doing that he found a major clerical error, turns out she DID in fact have blood clots in her lungs but someone made a typo.
I completely flipped over that, I had been staying with her at night and would not sleep because her oxygen would often drop to 60 and would take some time to go back up. I was afraid to sleep. I did not blame the nurses, they have been great it is not their fault. I was angry because she could have died over a typo and I think some of the anger from Clayton's death came out as well. I know people make mistakes, I do all the time but I could not help but to get angry. I had to leave the hosp for a while to calm down I felt so much anger and rage it even scared me. I was not ranting or having a tantrum but I could feel the rage pulsating in my veins.
I know I need to find a way to let go of some of this anger. I mentioned to my spouse that we might use firewood this winter and I will chop all the wood. That would be a good release.
I am getting everything in order to start in to school but I might postpone that. We are thinking that Mamaw should not live alone when she gets out of the hosp so if needed I will stay with her. Even though she is my husbands grandmother I feel like she is my own. I never knew my grandparents when I was growing up and always dreamed what it would be like to have grandma come get and spend the weekend with her and all that stuff. She is very much in to crafts and sewing like I am, none of her daughters are. So to her I am the daughter she always wanted to sit and sew or talk crafty stuff to and she is the Mamaw I always wanted. I do not look at caring for her as something I have to do but I want to and do not mind being there. I pack up my laptop and something to draw, sew just a project and i sit there with her from 6pm-9am. I still do not sleep while I am there, since I prone to be a night owl it does not bother me. Sometimes I get mad at his family when they act like being there with her is a chore or they act like they do not want to, I do not say anything its not worth it. I did have a little spat with my husband over it. Its an hour drive to get to the hosp, life in a small rural area ehh! SO he was complaining about the gas, I told him real quick that I never wanted to hear him say that ever again. I told him my feelings and now he understands and knows this is something i need to do.
Part of me does feel like since Clayton passed so quickly I was not able to care for him like this and in some way this makes up for it.
Thank you everyone for all the support
Missy
I completely flipped over that, I had been staying with her at night and would not sleep because her oxygen would often drop to 60 and would take some time to go back up. I was afraid to sleep. I did not blame the nurses, they have been great it is not their fault. I was angry because she could have died over a typo and I think some of the anger from Clayton's death came out as well. I know people make mistakes, I do all the time but I could not help but to get angry. I had to leave the hosp for a while to calm down I felt so much anger and rage it even scared me. I was not ranting or having a tantrum but I could feel the rage pulsating in my veins.
I know I need to find a way to let go of some of this anger. I mentioned to my spouse that we might use firewood this winter and I will chop all the wood. That would be a good release.
I am getting everything in order to start in to school but I might postpone that. We are thinking that Mamaw should not live alone when she gets out of the hosp so if needed I will stay with her. Even though she is my husbands grandmother I feel like she is my own. I never knew my grandparents when I was growing up and always dreamed what it would be like to have grandma come get and spend the weekend with her and all that stuff. She is very much in to crafts and sewing like I am, none of her daughters are. So to her I am the daughter she always wanted to sit and sew or talk crafty stuff to and she is the Mamaw I always wanted. I do not look at caring for her as something I have to do but I want to and do not mind being there. I pack up my laptop and something to draw, sew just a project and i sit there with her from 6pm-9am. I still do not sleep while I am there, since I prone to be a night owl it does not bother me. Sometimes I get mad at his family when they act like being there with her is a chore or they act like they do not want to, I do not say anything its not worth it. I did have a little spat with my husband over it. Its an hour drive to get to the hosp, life in a small rural area ehh! SO he was complaining about the gas, I told him real quick that I never wanted to hear him say that ever again. I told him my feelings and now he understands and knows this is something i need to do.
Part of me does feel like since Clayton passed so quickly I was not able to care for him like this and in some way this makes up for it.
Thank you everyone for all the support
Missy
12
Child Loss / Re: Calling on all my cave dwellers!!!
« on: October 01, 2011, 06:14:52 AM »
Ok this is funny, the other day I was in my bedroom - where I do most of my sewing and my husband came in and told me he was going to drag me out of my cave for the evening. He told me I had become a cave dweller and he was wondering how much longer until I started sleeping upside down. I told him I cannot tell him that as only the cave knows when its time - lol.
I would love to join you all I am free most Sundays, but I do need to know what time zone you are in as I am on Central Time.
I would love to join you all I am free most Sundays, but I do need to know what time zone you are in as I am on Central Time.
13
Child Loss / Re: Clayton's Birthday
« on: September 03, 2011, 10:36:56 PM »
I have given a lot of thought to the school thing. It was something that I had planned before Clayton passed away. It was something that I was looking forward to but kind of put out of my mind. I am finishing what I had been going to school for but had to quit because of pregnancy issues. I did think about that, I already know all of it I am just getting the degree for it. They said I could test out of some of the classes and my other credits will transfer but I think I might opt to not test out of the classes so that I can work my schedule to take a couple of the easy classes with one that would be harder so I can maintain a high GPA and get scholarships and grants rather than loans!! Like I said, I had planned this out about a year ago and was going to start this past spring but things changed. I am a type that needs a routine and going to school will help me find a new routine.
The meds are working really good - except for the sleep which can be fine tuned.
My family does not seem to be grieving and that to makes me angry. Clayton loved them, when he was 6 my sister made him a red power ranger outfit and from that moment on she was the be all end all. I know people grieve in their own way I just.. I don't know I don't understand. I have to stop trying to because I never will and the only thing that it gets me is more anger.
This site has done a lot for me. Even on the nights I do not post I read what others have and as much as I hate to see someone in the pain I am its comforting to know that I am not as alone as I feel. That as dark as it seems now there will be light again in time.
Thank You and ((((((((hugs))))))
Clayton's mommy
The meds are working really good - except for the sleep which can be fine tuned.
My family does not seem to be grieving and that to makes me angry. Clayton loved them, when he was 6 my sister made him a red power ranger outfit and from that moment on she was the be all end all. I know people grieve in their own way I just.. I don't know I don't understand. I have to stop trying to because I never will and the only thing that it gets me is more anger.
This site has done a lot for me. Even on the nights I do not post I read what others have and as much as I hate to see someone in the pain I am its comforting to know that I am not as alone as I feel. That as dark as it seems now there will be light again in time.
Thank You and ((((((((hugs))))))
Clayton's mommy
14
Child Loss / Re: Clayton's Birthday
« on: September 03, 2011, 01:43:34 AM »
Thank you for the words of encouragement it means so much to me to be able to really say what I am feeling without people looking at me as if I am a lunatic or being over dramatic. I have come to learn that with most people when they ask I am doing with dealing with the grief the only answer they want to hear is "fine". If I say anything else I can see them looking for an out, someone to go take to or a reason to walk away.
I am trying very hard to keep myself on a schedule sort of. I am working on getting myself a routine that I can stick to. Since I do have OCD I need a routine. Since I cannot control the outside world I feel I must control my little world and space. Doing that has helped me get through days a little easier. The night schedule is being a little tougher. Some nights I do not sleep much so that leaves me awake and able to worry about senseless things. Are the doors locked, what am I going to fix for lunch/dinner, do I need to stay awake incase his alarm does not go off, what if someone calls with an emergency - silly things. I asked the dr to give me something to sleep. He first wanted to try something mild - as I am sitting here at 3:37am I can tell I need something a bit stronger.
I have also decided to return to college, I was in nursing school when I got pregnant with Clayton and since he kept trying to come early I had to quit and well as time went on I never went back. I think returning to school will give me something to do with my spare time. It will also help me get back out around people that are not my family. I love my family but I do not have to like them all the time - lol.
Thank you all for everything
Clayton's mom
I am trying very hard to keep myself on a schedule sort of. I am working on getting myself a routine that I can stick to. Since I do have OCD I need a routine. Since I cannot control the outside world I feel I must control my little world and space. Doing that has helped me get through days a little easier. The night schedule is being a little tougher. Some nights I do not sleep much so that leaves me awake and able to worry about senseless things. Are the doors locked, what am I going to fix for lunch/dinner, do I need to stay awake incase his alarm does not go off, what if someone calls with an emergency - silly things. I asked the dr to give me something to sleep. He first wanted to try something mild - as I am sitting here at 3:37am I can tell I need something a bit stronger.
I have also decided to return to college, I was in nursing school when I got pregnant with Clayton and since he kept trying to come early I had to quit and well as time went on I never went back. I think returning to school will give me something to do with my spare time. It will also help me get back out around people that are not my family. I love my family but I do not have to like them all the time - lol.
Thank you all for everything
Clayton's mom
15
Child Loss / Re: Clayton's Birthday
« on: September 01, 2011, 09:32:50 PM »
Yes I am on anti depressants now, they had to work with the dose a little bit at first. I do have follow up appts and I am keeping them. I am trying to communicate with my family about my feelings but that gets hard some times because I know they care but its like they just do not want to hear it. That is when I pull out the journal and let it all out good, bad and otherwise.
I still have a lot of anger inside of me that I am trying to let out. I am angry at my sons father for not calling me sooner. My baby laid in the hospital for 4+ hours, I could have went there to him. I may not have been able to do anything but I could have been there. I am still very angry at my family over not going to the funeral home or funeral home. I try to let that anger out but it seems to boil back up from time to time.
Thank you all for the support it feels so comforting to know that others know how I feel and to be able to confide them.
Thank you so much CLayton's Mom
I still have a lot of anger inside of me that I am trying to let out. I am angry at my sons father for not calling me sooner. My baby laid in the hospital for 4+ hours, I could have went there to him. I may not have been able to do anything but I could have been there. I am still very angry at my family over not going to the funeral home or funeral home. I try to let that anger out but it seems to boil back up from time to time.
Thank you all for the support it feels so comforting to know that others know how I feel and to be able to confide them.
Thank you so much CLayton's Mom
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