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Messages - BrokenLois

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Spouse, Partner Loss / I lost my Clark Kent...
« on: April 19, 2018, 04:00:36 PM »
I’m going through a really hard time…. Actually the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I had a very traumatic and sudden death of a man I really love and care about. I met him in in jr high school. Last Spring we reconnected and started to date exclusively last June right before my birthday. Everything was great. He made me really happy. I remember when he first came over my house I told him he looked like Clark Kent with his black glasses. He told me he’d be my Superman but only for me. So from then on I called him my Clark Kent and he called me his Lois Lane. 2 months ago he told me he was not looking to be in a relationship and that he really cared about and enjoyed spending time with me and we still remained close friends. It did not seem like anything had changed. I was very hopeful that we would still work everything out. Esp since he said he wasn’t dating anyone else. So I keep praying and praying everyday that it would work out.

Last Thursday I found out he was sick in the hospital I was working at. I keep checking on him and we text all throughout the day. I even stopped by when I got off work and sat with him. Before I left I told him I would see him tomorrow and I gave him hung. I went to work the next day and as I was passing meds I heard over the intercom “ATTENTION ATTENTION CODE BLUE ROOM…” My heart sunk to my stomach. I dropped everything and ran down there. When I got to the room I saw them doing compressions on him body and putting a tube in mouth to help him breath. There was a women coming out the room crying. I asked her who she was and what happened. She completely ignored me and started making phone calls. A few minutes later his younger brother shows up. Then the chaplain shows up and asks us who we were. Then that girl says I’m his girlfriend….. I couldn’t breathe.. I just told myself its ok. He’s going to be ok. If they just save him then we can deal with all that later. I started praying Lord please just save him. I don’t care about anything else I just want him to be ok. More time passes and they start calling other family members. They tried to put him on ecmo. I’m still trying to keep my faith. They start to put him on ecmo which is a process. They started him on ecmo then they said they had to do xray to verify its in the right place. They did they xray and then they said he was gone… He died… I am in disbelief. I just knew he was going to be ok. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. This just isn’t right. He’s only 30. This shouldn’t have happened. I’ve never felt a pain so deep. I stood and watched the man I love die and I couldn’t do anything about it. And going through all that I found out he had a girlfriend for over a year. He was going to move in with her and go on a vacation. I just can process this. and I really can't believe it.. I remember I use to tell him I'll be your nurse.. I'll always take care of you. I did post mortem care. I washed his body and put a new gown on him and made him look presentable for his family. Helped clean the up the room and put new sheets on his bed...

Even after all most everyone left I still stayed with him all day.  I was to scared to leave the hospital so I stayed for hours until they came to take him to the morgue. I walked down there with him. And I just couldn’t let go. I broke completely down. I just don't understand. I want to believe this is all a lie. I still miss him so much.. And at the same time I feel worthless and not good enough. My whole entire soul aches. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can think. I mad that he’s not here. No one truly understands my pain. I lost my Clark Kent and I just don’t know what to do…

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