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Messages - JustMark

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 17 months
« on: October 13, 2018, 10:34:25 AM »
Hi Raven, yes it is hard to motivate yourself to take care of one's self when we loose our spouse but it really does help in the process. It's just as important as sharing our feelings with others in here that can understand what it's like or can relate because they are or have been going through it too. I still have many evenings that I don't cook and would just eat sandwiches but there has been a big change for me this month.
For me this last month has seen several changes in my routine because now I have a room mate I guess you could say. He's also a disabled vet although not as physically disabled  as I am. He became a homeless vet and was living in a tent. I first met him in early Summer a couple of months after Gina died and I was helping him somewhat as I would hire him for odd jobs I couldn't handle alone and also cutting the front lawn because there is a hill that I can handle the pain to cut the grass. Anyway last month he asked if he could stay with me and he explained he was now homeless. So we made an agreement that weeks he doesn't work elsewhere he would help me two days a week and weeks he works for contractors he would pay a weekly rent to help cover his increase in utilities and help with other expenses as well. He has a few other issues I'm helping him with as well that also lead to his homelessness.  I assured him as long as he remained honest with me I would help him and he knows he can't BS me because I was in a similar position myself years ago. I won't elaborate too much as I don't want to break his confidentiality. Anyway, things seem yo be working out and me and him are taking turns cooking and the house is now getting cleans in one form or fashion everyday. He and I are quickly becoming good friends and we are helping each other in dealing with stuff from service because we are vets and other areas as needed and he has a safe place to help him get back on his feet and we are honest with each other too. So there are big changes taking place at my home now and work getting done.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Spouse passed away 6/23/2018
« on: September 04, 2018, 10:57:29 PM »
Well Hockey2129, I'm sorry about your husband. I know the first couple of weeks after Gina passed I had to keep myself busy with things around the house to keep my mind occupied and they were the hardest. I don't think I could go more then 5 minutes with out shedding a tear. It also seemed like time went so slowly. The length of time it takes to get over the hurt varies with everyone differently. About a month and a half to two months after Gina passed I started playing guitar after several years of not playing. Gina used to love to hear me play. I guess you could say in my case the hurt slowly subsided and I noticed the hurt for the most part wasn't there anymore. There are still times I do feel the hurt but it's not as intensive and what helped me cope through out all of this was this forum.The very first time I managed to laugh was on the first Gina's birthday after her death because I had remembered the first birthday I celebrated with her. It does get better and it takes a while. I think sometimes people rush it and it seems to linger longer for them but it still passes. I hope this posting helps you in coping or perhaps helps with insight. Some times it does help to start a thread and just let the words flow from your thoughts about what you are experiencing. So that others can give you insight from their experiences and suggest different things to try. I don't have many friends to talk to but another thing I found helpful was praying. I know a lot of people don't believe in God but I also know a lot of people that do believe in him. It did bring me closer to him and I received more comfort. I still pray on a regular basis and at times I not only sense him but also Gina. Since then I have gained a peace and serenity and a constant feeling that things are going to be alright.

Parent Loss / Re: Dad's Birthday (JustMark)
« on: August 30, 2018, 04:20:55 PM »
Dad, I really miss you but still very proud you raised me. I couldn't be more thankful to God for a father like you. I would have loved to have seen you with my grand kids There have been so many things that has happen since we buried you on your 75th birthday back in 2001 and Gina I used to talk to you about with your personality some how similar to yours. I believe you may have met her buy now as I lost her in March of last year. Gina loved to hear me talk about you and the many lessons that you taught me. The first thing I learned from you was to be a good man. Strong and firm when necessary warm and caring most other times but always honest with uncompromising ethics and principles for your self and always willing to listen. Well dad last moth Gina gave me a sign to let me know to let go and she was tired of seeing me alone because 2 days later I met Sharlene and due to other events I know God's hand is on this one too. She has children and her oldest child is a son, a young man in the army.  One night as we got to know each other the conversation got to things we liked about each other and the first thing she said was she has never seen a better father. Thank you dad, I'm humbly grateful. When Shirlene said that I reflected and remembered the first time I was in uniform and saluted you as a young private and you tried to give a proper salute in return but was over come with pride and from welled up eyes and a tear on your cheek you regained your composure and returned it. When Shirlene said that to me I reflected speechless for a few moments looking down as she understood she hit something important as with welled up eyes and a tear on my check I told that I just try to be like you.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: August 14, 2018, 05:43:43 PM »
Ho LarryR, I'm sorry for your loss. Last year my wife Gina passed from a heart attack while I was at home in the other room and the way I found her I don't get the impression she made efforts to to reach or cry for help. The dogs who were highly trained to help us weren't even disturbed and when I got to Gina I knew it was too late too. The grieving process is a long and slow process and yes wounds do heal over time if we let them. I too have witnessed horrendous things and carry PTSD. At first I kept myself busy which help to keep me distracted and occupied. It did seem to help but what I found most helpful was coming here and trying to help others and later I picked up guitar that I hadn't played since my teenage years and found that helpful for me too. I hope as time passes by over the next few months that you begin to see that even if you were home when it happened does not mean the heart attach would have been stopped or prevented. I know that feeling of guilt because in my case I was just in the other room and didn't even know it or heard any sound. As time passed for me I could sense Gina around and checking on me and later realized the biggest step for me was forgiving myself because I didn't do anything wrong.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Writing a journal
« on: August 08, 2018, 09:05:34 PM »
Hi Jmorm, and MichelleLeah, I know it seems kind of late for me to be posting but somehow or other time got away from me as up until about a month ago I was coming on here fairly regularly. I'm sorry for your loss. I was devastated when Gina had passed last year and I was only with her for 10 years and I can only imagine how you must feel. I myself hadn't used journalism but I have heard others say how helpful it was for them. So it sounds like it may not be a bad idea I'm giving it serious consideration myself as I have had a new development I'll be discussing in another thread in here that has me a little perplexed I'll be seeking guidance on that others maybe willing to contribute should they care to.

MichelleLeah and Jmorm, what I did that helped me a lot was I started relearning guitar about a month after Gina passed. It really had been decades since I had played. In some respects it's similar to journaling if you look at it over all and instead of writing what you are feeling or experiencing and using the writing of melodies or learning songs that help you describe or express yourself if you can understand I'm taking sort of an overall approach in looking at this as I described you will find it very helpful. As time goes on and you get more involved in it you will have opportunities that during the times you feel you may not be growing and healing you will be able to go back and see how you were at a point in the grieving process and see the growth and healing that you couldn't see otherwise and maybe see something in yourself you missed or over looked back then and document that as well.

Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: July 07, 2018, 02:01:55 PM »
HI Jmorm53, welcome to webhealing, I'm sorry for your loss. A lot of what you are experiencing and going through sounds a lot like what I went through with the loss of my wife Gina last year. I also tried to keep myself busy and it seemed no matter how much I kept myself busy she was always on my mind. Even though she was always on my mind keeping myself busy helped as working around the house like when I was planting the vegetable garden last year I would get glimpses and pause and experience a happy memory of previous years. Every year about the same time I would be doing my usual vegetable gardening and she would be doing her flower gardening. While turning the soil last year I would look over at her favorite rose bush and stop for a few minutes and remember her trimming it. Then moment later go back to dwelling on my loss. I know it's rough now Jmorm but it will change. For me last year that constant feeling of loss subsided and I found I had far more happy memories with Gina then I originally thought. Now I still have Gina on my mind quite a bit everyday I hardly ever have that feeling of loss any more, but has become more of a thankfulness that she was a big part of my life because of all the happy memories and things I learned from Gina. Don't get me wrong but I still do have moments of sadness but now they are not quite so intensive and over whelming like they were last year. Gina didn't have ovarian cancer but she did have other major medical issues in which I had to help take care of her, for her last two years. I can always tell you about that later on, if you ever want to know. Also last year I didn't read any grief books. Some people said they are helpful and recommended one or two but I looked at the library of books I have and Gina's library of all sorts of subjects the last thing I need is more books to read. Anyway I hoped some of this helped as I have to go for now. I'm going to bath the dogs this afternoon. Once again welcome to web healing. Don't be afraid to post anything you may need advice on or help with There are others that come on here that I have found helpful with my posts. Also don't be afraid to respond to others posts if you think sharing things you are going through or things that help you cope or deal with grief can help in the postings of others as well. Also if you wanted to speak to me or anyone else specifically you can click on their name and send them a private messages but for me I only messaged 2 or 3 people I knew were active. Most of my postings have been in the forum because I figured if the person I was communicating with didn't find it helpful, others that come here and read it may get help from it.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Spouse passed away 6/23/2018
« on: June 29, 2018, 01:57:04 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss Mareeeteee, not only for your husband but also your son.The first couple of weeks are always the hardest but yes people do get through it but it will take time. I know last year when I lost Gina, my wife I was absolutely lost for what seems like the first month. It could have been a little less. Sometimes things didn't seem real but they were.The grieving process is different for us all and some people seem to go through it quickly some people it takes time before we adjust. I still really haven't  fully gotten used to it yet but I'm doing a lot better then I was this time last year. At first there were times I wasn't hungry but I still had to push myself to eat something or get motivated to do something around the house. So you have to keep an eye on yourself. Also if you are not used to vitamins you may want to pick up some until your appetite gets back to normal. It doesn't seem like it will but, it will. Take your time no need to rush because you know it's going to take time. You will find a lot of the things in your house will trigger a memory or several memories both good and bad but probably mostly good. You may find rearranging some things may help after some time or changing things in your house somewhat. It's really hard to say what works and what doesn't so all I did was mention things that helped me during that first month. Also what helped me was our dogs. They come and check on me, got me motivated to take them on walks and helped gave my mind a rest from those continuous memories in the house that would flood in. I know ir's hard for you right now so for now just take it one day at a time and one step at a time.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Death of My Spouse
« on: June 20, 2018, 07:18:24 PM »
Hi Caspercat, I was wondering how you were doing. How is your guitar playing coming?

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: June 20, 2018, 07:14:32 PM »
Hi DontStopBelieving, I'm sorry for your loss. it was just a little over a year ago I lost wife of almost 9 years. We had helped each other with dealing with our disabilities but hers were life ending and mine are life changing. I learned in dealing with the grief it's not necessarily the length of time we were together that determines the extent of our grief but the amount of commitment we had with our spouses during the marriage that seems to determine the severity of our grief. At first everything seems surreal and you wonder if your going to adjust and how? Even now for me a little more then a year later I can have motivation problems in doing some things for myself, as it's only me and my dogs. I have found my dogs to be real comforting and I have picked up playing guitar.
What motivated me to do it was there was a short time when Gina and I first started out I played bass in the church's music ministry and Gina loved my playing. A couple of times when we were home she would like me playing a few classical guitar pieces that I had remembered from more then 30 years ago. She knew I used to be a professional bass player in rock bands in my late teens and early 20's and basically stopped playing when I went into the army. Gina asked me one time why I never played lead and I told her I never took the time to learn as I had never owned an electric 6 string. My kids were grown and she knew that at some point in the future I planned return to playing music when I retired to keep me busy. We didn't know at the time that a few years down the road I would be disabled too.  I had started rehabbing our home to accommodate both her and my disabilities and for Christmas 2014 she bought me a Fender Telecaster and told me it was time to learn to play leads. I played it for a little bit, about a month or so and then put it into storage until the rehab and construction work was done. Anyway late last April or early May after she passed, the work still was not finished on the house but I dug out that Telecaster guitar and started taking lessons as I was going to keep my promise to her. So now I get comfort in my guitar too. There are times that I am playing that I get a sense or feeling Gina's spirit is stopping into listen and check on me.

So DontStop I know the grief is real hard right now and the wound is still very fresh in your mind but I would suggest to keep in the back of your mind for later you find something to help keep you somewhat busy and your mind occupied. If you are anything like me right now your reviewing the years you were together and the memories may drive you nuts. Perhaps you are dealing with the what if's and what could have been's and dealing with a flood of emotions and memories. Anyway, keep in the back of your mind if you can find some sort of hobby or start doing something different it will help keep you occupied and deal with some of those feelings as well as channel some of your efforts. You have plenty of time to start it anytime but you may find it may also help you in sorting things out and coming to terms with the loss of your husband and there is no need to rush into anything. Just keep the idea in the back of your mind as a suggestion. Right now whether you want to or not make sure you are taking care of yourself and don't just sit around and mope. Make sure you are eating everyday and you are not getting dehydrated. Also pick up some vitamins. The first week or two after Gina passed I barely ate anything but I did start getting an appetite back but I wasn't used to cooking for myself. I was used to cooking for Gina but I am just now starting to do a little cooking but at times I still have problems motivating myself to cook something for myself everyday.  As time goes on you will find things easier to do.

I also found it very helpful in coming in here and helping others and elsewhere too. I don't come in here as often as I used to but as you see I still do.  None of us in here are professional trained for this and we are not experts or employees but all of us that come here all we do is let people know what worked for us or mention something that is on our mind. We give help and advice as well as ask for help and advice and none of us are judgemental. All we ask is to remember that some issues can be more sensitive to others then to us but we also learn sometimes the best help is just opening up.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: On a happier note for me
« on: June 20, 2018, 05:45:08 PM »
Hi Caspercat, it was very nice. It was a very beautiful outdoor ceremony and the reception and was a big hit with everyone. It turned out real well. I can't remember going to a better wedding reception. It wasn't large nor was it small as they had right around 90 or so guests. Their decorating theme was Burlap and wood. The display tables and cake and desert tables were actually stacked pallets that had a plywood top covered with a nice table clothes and trimmed in burlap leaving the pallets underneath exposed. All the tables everyone sat at had had a 1 ft burlap runner going across the top of the table cloth and the center piece was a slab of a log 2 to 3 inches thick and about 12 inches across that had been cut with chainsaw then clear sealer applied by me a few days earlier. On top of the wood slab was a nice little floral arrangement of white flowers and a small white lantern with lit candle. It was very well done and the caterer did an excellent Texas Barbecue style dinner. I had never seen a theme of burlap and wood but it gave it a nice relaxing down to earth atmosphere that I couldn't accurately describe completely as it was simplistic but a very beautiful touch. No one got ridiculously drunk and nice assortment of music that wasn't too loud that people could talk without shouting and have a normal conversation. I don't know of anyone that didn't enjoy themselves at the wedding and reception.

Spouse, Partner Loss / On a happier note for me
« on: June 16, 2018, 06:32:20 AM »
Thought it would be nice to post something happy for a change. Today is the 15 month date of Gina's passing but there is a happy event taking place as my oldest daughter Dawn is getting married today around 4:30 this afternoon. Dawn has been running around the last couple of days with arrangements and picking things up and having me tag along for a few things. Dawn and Josh made the announcement 3 months ago and took care of the planning and arrangements so a lot of Dawns running around the last couple of days are last minute changes and aren't really that big of a deal but you know how brides are. She keeps running in circles. It's more just last minute nerves. Last night most of the bridal party was at rehearsal and it took Dawn a half hour of discussions to figure out which grand parents or parents should come down the aisle to be seated first, my mom or her mother's grandmom. Josh's grand parents died several years ago. So there is only two grandmoms for her to chose from. I'm sure some of the ladies here can relate. Anyway I'm due at the hall for some last minute decorating and prep.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 14 months
« on: June 16, 2018, 06:01:02 AM »
Hi Raven, Hi Tryinghardtobeokay,

Raven, I can relate one moment it seems like time has dragged on and I catch myself at my desk on the computer lost in thought on what I'm working on and every now and then I'll ask a question like Gina is still sitting at her desk and is going to answer me. It's been 15 months for me today since Gina passed. I have finally started going through Gina's things. Up until now the only thing I had gotten out of the house or gone through were Gina's clothes and shoes. I've started with her desk and other items in the office. It seems odd at times as my wishful thinking wants to box up her books or other odds and ends Like she will be using them again in the future. Other things I have no idea why she held onto them. There are also things I run across that has a special memory for us I'm holding onto. I've decided her desk and computer I'll be holding onto and using it as a work center for music. I can put a folding table next to it in an L shape for the keyboard set a few amps under it for my guitars, bass and mandolin. The computer will be usefel for recording as well as most of the music and sons I study are in PDF format as well. It's what Gina wanted me to do with her old desk anyway as she bought a new desks for me and her for the new office that will going into the basement. So I can relate to what you mentioned about the empty spot in your garage.

Tryinghardtobeokay, I came here last year the same way you did as a referral from my wife's memorial site. I have found coming here helpful. None of us here has any magical answers but we do get help as well as give help to others as we can. From that we learn things that's helpful in in dealing with our loss and also adjust to a new way of life. So you don't need to worry about knowing what to write as it will help someone that comes here. Sometimes it's just helpful to open up because here you don't have to carry the problem or issue alone. We aren't judgemental but all we ask is remember that some people maybe more sensitive to some issues then others. Anyway welcome to webhealing. Like you and Raven mentioned having acreage being too big as your husbands used help to take care of I'm at the opposite end. Not a large property with a lot of ground but now it's just me and a few dogs in a town house that I bought for a family of 5 that originally was two separate apartments. I however am stuck in the middle of rehabbing the house so if I tried to sell it now I would loose a lot of the investment and most likely be on the market for quite sometime. SO that is one thing I'll be looking at after I have finished rehabbing my home. Also I could turn the house back into apartments and live in one of them or even buy a smaller house elsewhere and rent the whole house as I almost have the mortgage paid off. Anyway that is something I will decide on in the future but it is on my mind. The rehab is taking me longer then usual because I'm disabled and can't work on it full time and occasionally I have to hire help for heavy stiff and sometimes to do work I can't anymore.

LeeB1 I am very sorry to hear about your loos. We never really are ever sure of the reasons and some of them do everything they can to insure they they aren't showing signs or leaving clues because they know if they do someone may figure out their plans and would try to stop them. I can only imagine your daughter is devastated. Try to make sure you are taking care of yourself and also your daughter. It will ease up but it will take time and it sounds like you already understand this. There isn't much I can say that will make it go away or seem easier. What helped me after my wife died was keeping myself busy. I don't know much about the situation as this is your first post in here and there is very little information to help me understand some of the background. So in this situation I may not be a good talker or advisor but if it helps I'm most definitely a good listener. From my being a vet and being around other vets and active duty I do understand. and know what it's like for the families and friends that they leave behind.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: May 11, 2018, 02:54:18 AM »
Hi robn375, welcome to webhealing. In dealing with my loss I have found this site helpful. None of us are experts on greif but we share things that have helped with others and get advice from others as well. So don't be afraid of talking about something that bothers you. We are about as non judgemental as they come.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Starting my journey
« on: May 03, 2018, 10:58:01 PM »
Hi Teres, I'm sorry about your husband. I started coming here about a year ago just after my wife passed and I have found it helpful in here. Sometimes it may seem like no one is around and other times it seems someone is giving you an answer or advice just after you finish. There is really no specific way it works. You either post something your having a problem in adjusting to the loss of a loved one or something that is on your mind and as members come and go someone that either can relate or went through something similar will post a response. Sometimes it will be advice on things that worked for them and helped them other times it's just helpful knowing you not alone with the issue. I have found it helpful in dealing with the loss of my wife just by reaching out to talk or try to help others. There is no magical answer  to a problem and none of us are experts at what we are going through. We aren't judgemental as we all know none of us are any smarter or better or have all the answers. Probably just opening up is the most important thing and a lot of us learn it's ok just to listen and being judgemental would kill that openness. None of us really keep a set schedule I typically come here once a week but this last month I've had a rash of Dr appointments and things breaking at my house.   

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