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Messages - RoxyRay

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Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 26, 2015, 05:02:12 AM »
lol  i'm so glad i found this place... thank you so much for the warm welcomes and the help on here!  you guys are very wonderful...  i finally brought my husband to the marker for Taylor.  I got it before we were married and we've just started sharing this topic as openly as we have.  He is so wonderfully supportive. Yet I do feel that somehow, he is not getting the "heart of me"  because i am so early in the truth of my grief over Taylor and my dad.

Parent Loss / Re: It's been awhile
« on: January 26, 2015, 04:57:06 AM »
lovely post.  so encouraging and liberating.  I'm pretty much a newbie here but have taken some time to read many posts and felt what you write about.  that openness is something that the personal hell i was in less painful and lonely.  *although i still can't get myself the proper sized pics up here ... lol... :P   *
   My husband had suggested that I find a place of comfort and healing and i believe this may be the correct forum for the confusion and pain I have gone through. 
  Crazy is one way I would describe the sorrow I went through and I know that shock of " what can i ever do without you by my side?"   The shut down.  That disconnect to the rest of the world .All I could do is walk around in circles wondering how to get out...
  I'm blessed for these moments we are sharing here. 

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 20, 2015, 07:44:38 AM »
ugh the hugeness of the pic  *facepalm*  i so appoligize for that...

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 20, 2015, 07:43:28 AM »
My father's Bday was May 26 1935
His death date was May 23 1998

Taylor was gone on May 23 1998

please do add these gems to the calander.. i appreciate that very much!

My little one is my Lilia.  She is growing leaps and bounds!  She has what is labled in the DSM V as global developmental delay, and mixed expressive and responsive language disorder.. the long way for we don't know.  We are waiting this year for some specialists to help with a DNA test to see if it is a chormasone issue... one that would develope to William's Syndrome. 

She has specialists ect. involved with her since she was 16 months old, as i knew in utero that something was a miss.  She is doing relatively well in a non specialized public school in grade one.  My beautiful cherub! 

Parent Loss / Re: My guide, light and hope.. my daddy
« on: January 20, 2015, 07:21:15 AM »
Oh wow Terry!  thank you!  :')   that was so supportive and beautiful of you to do!  thank you!  Your kindness will always be remembered!  wow... just so over joyed that you were so sweet!   


Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 16, 2015, 04:56:04 PM »
I find that I'm having such a difficult time these days...
 I obviously have moved forward in so many ways, and still I feel that the raw sorrow is so difficult and contradictory to what is going on in my life currently.
I have had another child after this loss.  Many well meaning people, when I have tried to speak out about my loss to, have said I am being unfair to my child who is here.
 Yet, some days when I do hold my little one (6 yrs old, and special needs)  I wonder what the personality and look of Taylor would have been. 
My husband (we're newlyweds) is tremendously supportive, and again, I feel terrible because I'm feeling down and disconnected because of my losses.  He has held me as close as he can, whispers in my ear that I'm right where I'm supposed to be... but it takes the happiness we are sharing and kinda dampens it and I feel so guilty and confused.  We are so happy, and strong.  When I miss Taylor, I feel like i'm ripping him off from the love I usually am able to share with him.  Like as if, I am doing myself. him and my little one a disservice in the here and now because of the burden and pain of my past. 

Parent Loss / Re: My guide, light and hope.. my daddy
« on: January 12, 2015, 07:19:10 AM »
i can put this up... Raven Wolfgang Kiss Away  ... it should be the first post you see in google.
He was the only one for all of my life who didn't hurt me.  Always a kind word or a beautiful smile to encourage me through the day.  Being the person that I am, i challenged everyone... but he never looked at it as me being bad.  He would talk to me about everything.  When I was up to problem behavior he would take so much time to let me know that I didn't have to behave badly for him to notice me.  Didn't stop the behavior but it showed me unconditional love.
As the black sheep of the family, I found comfort and healing in his eyes.  He was my morning star.
 As the month of March in '88 approached us, we found he had been having issues with his sight.  Headaches that no pain pill would improve his situation.  On my bday, I sat them all down and told them that dad couldn't get sick.. i was pregnant.  For the next ten years he was strong and kicked the big C's butt.
  I felt that I had given him a reason, other than us... to live.
Ten years later... cancer had struck him again.  We would lose him to it this time.  I would lose my baby the same day he was to be cremated.  I never saw his wake/funeral.  Always felt that I didn't serve him right at the end because of having to be admitted into hospital that day for the loss of my baby Taylor.
Lots of feelings, i'm overwhelmed.  thanks for reading.

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 11, 2015, 08:28:18 AM »
I can't tell you how that makes me feel.  To finally be validated for those loses is now making me cry.  not a bad kind tho'.  I don't want to decieve you  either... it has been since 1998 that i've lost these gems from my life.  it is like it is still just yesterday that i had woken up in recovery crying with a nurse saying .. now hush dear.  you are upsetting the other famillies.  (they didn't put me on a different ward, so i was with new breastfeeding mothers and excited famillies coming for visits)

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 10, 2015, 03:38:37 PM »
Thank you for saying those things.  The truth is that so many are surprised when i tell them the time that i had with Taylor.  Some have been awful enough to say "wow, they do abortions at 18 weeks huh?"  All I could do in that situation was to stand with my gape open and shock on my face.  Your kindness is so welcome as the only time I had found comfort was this year when i asked my mom if i could place a name marker near a tree where she had lost her children.

Parent Loss / Re: My guide, light and hope.. my daddy
« on: January 06, 2015, 01:14:18 PM »
Thank you, i am not able to do the post of the vid as i don't have that clearence yet.  but when i do .. i hope you will enjoy the memories of one of the best men in the world to have lived!

Parent Loss / Re: My guide, light and hope.. my daddy
« on: January 05, 2015, 05:12:30 PM »
ugh.. sorry for the huge image.. :P

Parent Loss / My guide, light and hope.. my daddy
« on: January 05, 2015, 05:01:14 PM »
 All I do, daddy is miss you.  I'd love to share my youtube vid.. song is called kiss away... i still cry like it happened yesterday.

Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 05, 2015, 04:23:20 PM »
My child never got a name until this year.  I can only guess as to it's sex.  My baby never drew breath.   I was going through a terrble loss as it was with the knowlage that my father had been struck with cancer that would take him the same month as my baby. The child's father and I were going through a very difficult time in our relationship and said "If it doesn't kick, it isn't a child".  I was utterly alone in the loss.  We had found out about my dad on the 3rd of May that year.  I found out I was pregnant 4 days later.  My family followed the religious requirements for last rites, and as my father's priest was praying over him... I put my hand on my dad's hand; and my belly.  No one else knew I was pregnant.  It really wasn't the time to tell them that I knew something was wrong with my new baby.  I knew deep inside there was something wrong.  Before I could book an appointment, I found I was discharging terribly, and my cramps were horrible.  Fevers were persistant and I was a complete mess.  My father passed on the 23rd and was due for burial on the 26... his birthday.  I went to the funeral and tried to stand up at the begining of the service but the craps were too severe.  I doubled over in pain and a old friend took me to the hospital.  By 9 pm that night, Taylor was gone before I got to know her. 

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