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Messages - travelvet

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Parent Loss / Re: I'm new to these grief discussions....but I belong here
« on: October 26, 2014, 07:02:53 PM »
So sorry for your loss of your father and what you must be going through with your mother. My Dad passed away at the young age of 63 from lung cancer. His suffering began with his diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer at Christmas, 1989. At that same time, I was in a near fatal car accident where a drunk teen driver hit me at 65mph. The paramedics had to use the jaws of life to extract me. But I can still remember feeling like I had an out of body experience. I was suppose to start college in Jan. 1990. But I was to upset after hearing about my Dad's lung cancer. I traveled to Boston from Tulsa every 3 weeks until his funeral. Each time he looked weaker and more ravished from that horrible cancer. He died the end of May 1990. I had a terrible time grieving over him. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital only 7 weeks after his death. My diagnosis was severe bereavement.

Some how I believe that the manner of death and the closeness of that particular relationship...has something to do with how we personally grieve. My Mom used to pray she would die in her sleep. That's what she truly wanted and she passed at the same age as her sister at 89 years old. Only her sister fell off a kitchen chair and broke her hip in two places. My cousin told me about how my aunt's screaming in agony was heard down the hospital hallways. So yes, it does give me some comfort that my mother passed in her sleep peacefully as she desired.

But I still morn her death as it was sudden and I wasn't ready. I thought she had more life left in her. She was an extremely strong woman and never once complained about any aches or pains. She had more than 20 years of skin cancer and had her face and scalp totally reconstructed, had lengthy back surgery at 80 and a stroke at 85. She lived on the third floor in a tiny apartment for 26 years. It wasn't until the last 3 years that those stairs aggravated her. She wouldn't complain though. She only reminded us of how many steps she had to climb to get to her front door.

She was really a social person throughout most of her life. She loved her bingo games. And even managed to play bingo while nearly blind and having carpel tunnel in both arms in braces. Although the last couple of years, her mental stability declined and some dementia set in with a bit of paranoia. All in all, my Mom had a very long and interesting life.But I'm still so very sad that she died. I thought she'd make a comeback, like she did after her stroke.

Parent Loss / Re: I'm new to these grief discussions....but I belong here
« on: October 25, 2014, 05:01:08 PM »
Thank you very much. I posted and didn't even think anyone would read or care about what I'm going through. Today, my stomach has been all in knots. I don't even know what normal is anymore.

Parent Loss / I'm new to these grief discussions....but I belong here
« on: October 25, 2014, 02:18:46 PM »
My Mom passed away very recently on October 3, 2014. She was 89 years old. I think I'm still in shock over it all. Yet I also feel guilt over her passing also. I live in the Tulsa and had planned to take a road trip up to Boston (where my Mom lived) on Sept 23rd through early Oct. My right knee gave out so I needed urgent surgery preventing me from taking the trip. I found out about my Mom's passing once I entered recovery after my surgery. My Mom had spent the last few months of her life in a rehab facility to re-gain strength in her legs so she could use a walker again to get around. But it didn't quite work that way. They began experimenting with her meds and every time she would raise her head or turn her head, she would get nauseous and have dry heaves and dizziness. That meant she had to postpone her physical therapy each day. So she basically sat in a wheelchair, sick to her stomach and in adult diapers for most of the days. She begged my sister constantly to take her home. My sister and I would have lengthy phone conversations about Mom's health. I also arranged for Verizon to put a phone by her bed (she slept with that phone) so that I could call her daily or twice daily. I wanted her to remain in touch with what friends she had remaining. My sister spent most days and every night she would bring our Mom a dessert and spend hours by her bedside. My sister was her caretaker for the past 20 years. Anyway, my last conversation with my Mom was to tell her about my knee surgery and that I promised to call her the next day after my surgery. Her friend Alice stepped into the room. My Mom told me that Alice was there and my last words were ok...I'll let you go. I'm so sad and filled with guilt at the same time. I wished I could have done something for her before she died. She died in her sleep. I couldn't even go to her funeral because of the distance from Tulsa to Boston and recovering from my own surgery. I'm long winded here and extremely sad :(

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