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Messages - MissSteph4ever

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Child Loss / Aproaching the 5 year Angelversary
« on: April 10, 2018, 07:01:25 AM »
Its been a while since I have logged in to this forum but it seems i gravitate here when I need to vent privately and with no judgement. I am approaching the 5 year anniversary of the worst day of my life and its hitting me harder than I expected, I have been feeling very emotional about the fact that it will be 5 years on April 15th since I lost my 25 year old daughter Stephanie. I was reading posts that I have posted in the past and realize that I haven't really changed the ways I have been coping with the loss. I am still stuck and part of me will always will be stuck in denial, I don't want to accept the fact that I will never hear or see her again. I don't cry everyday anymore, I can go months at a time without having a crying spell because my heart now has scars and it usually takes a lot to break me down, a birthday, holiday or special memory but lately I cry easily, I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. It's so hard living everyday with a broken heart, you put on your fake smile and do what you got to do to try and survive but it gets tiresome just going through the motions day after day and now year after year. I don't know why this year is harder than last but it is. Today when I got to wok I just drove right by and came back home and called in sick because I just couldn't put on that fake smile today.

Child Loss / Feeling lost 3 years later
« on: September 16, 2016, 06:21:11 AM »
Today would have been my daughters 29th birthday but sadly she is forever 25 and not here to celebrate. I was thinking of getting a tattoo in her memory and I went into her closet looking through papers searching for a signature of hers that I could get tattooed on my arm and as I went through the box of her things, mementos, jewelry, make up, the tears started to roll. I don't know why I save her hair accessories and make up but I just can't seem to let anything else go, I have given away a lot of things but I still have half of her clothes, her stereo with all the stickers on it and the box of stuff I mentioned before, it is all in her closet. I have redone the rest of the room over for my grandson who is 4 and sometimes stays overnight but the closet is still hers. I still feel so lost without her even 3 years, 5 months and a day later. I didn't find anything tattoo worthy in there, only stabbing pain that I will never see her again and it breaks my heart. I am still thinking of getting a tattoo in her memory but I will take her writing from an old mothers day card she gave me  that was signed "I love you mama, heart Stephanie" and I want to get it on my forearm so that I will see it and remember how much she loved me. Birthdays are so hard, remembering this day 29 years ago, the birth of my beautiful girl and all the hopes and dreams for the future. Life is nothing like I thought it would be, both of my children have struggled with alcoholism, it killed my daughter who died of alcohol poisoning and my son still struggles to this day although he will say he doesn't have a problem. My marriage is a work in progress these days and I don't know if it will survive the long haul. I just go through the motions of life now and feel lost most days!

Child Loss / Re: Very blue
« on: September 16, 2016, 05:42:30 AM »
Paula, I can relate to what you are feeling about you and Craig. My husband Bill and I have become almost strangers since the loss of our daughter Stephanie 3 years ago. We seem to get on each others nerves most of the time, although we love each other, the intimacy we once shared is all but gone lately. We have both been working days for years and when we come home now we tend to avoid each other around the house. Bill is going on second shift starting next week and I am glad that he is because I need space, time to find myself again, time to throw myself on Stephanie's bed and cry when I want to, I feel like I have to hide my grief from him because he doesn't understand that I am still grieving and although the pain has softened it is still there. I find myself back here today because its Stephanie's birthday today and I am always drawn back to this forum around these times, birthdays, holidays and blue times. I hope things are working out for your Kaiti and she will be home soon.

Child Loss / The New Year and new hopes
« on: December 29, 2015, 10:28:20 AM »
It has been a while since i have been on the message boards but i wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing this holiday season. I see some new names on here and my heart hurts for those of you that are spending your first holidays without your child. This Christmas was the third without my Stephanie and it wasn't much different than the second Christmas, there are so many memories and i miss her so much. I had a dream of her last night and i said to her "I told you it would kill me if i ever lost you and it is" and then i broke down crying and she hugged me and i could smell her and then my alarm went off, i just wanted to go back to sleep and be with her again. It has been so hard trying to live with out her and accept that she is gone, it has been 2 years, 8 months and 2 weeks since she died and part of me can't wrap my head around the fact that its been that long. Every day life goes on but its totally different now, i am totally different, my marriage is totally different, everything and everyone has changed. My mother in law died in June, we were there when she took her last breathe and that was a tough time, making funeral arrangements was hard as it reminded us of planning my daughters arrangements. Life goes on  as i said and I am trying to look forward to the New Year with hope that i can make some positive changes in my life and maybe just maybe the sadness will soften some. I feel like i have just been going through the motions of life, going to work, eating, smoking and drinking to much, sitting around feeling sorry for myself, i have gaind at least 20 pounds and feel like a train wreck most days. I am not making any strict resolutions for New Years but i am going to start making healthier choices, not overindulging so much and just try to do better. I have also become a hermit for the most part and i want to get out there and spend time with freinds, and family and just start living again. I just want to go into 2016 hopeful that i will become a better person than i was in 2015 and maybe find a little peace within myself.

Child Loss / Re: Re-Post - To The Newly Bereaved
« on: September 26, 2015, 08:33:49 PM »
I have to say true to all of the above.... I lost my 25 yr old baby girl 2 1/2 yrs ago i feel everything metioned. I'm surviving but it hasn't been easy. God bless us all.

Child Loss / Re: How does this work
« on: September 26, 2015, 08:04:58 PM »
This page is still active but not very user freindly, its a smaller group, we are here though to listen and share. Post your feelings we are here and we understand.

Child Loss / Re: how is everyone?
« on: April 27, 2015, 10:53:09 AM »
Hi Terry,                                                                                                                                            Thank you for asking, its not a question people ask much anymore. April 15th was the 2nd year angelversary for my beautiful Stephanie, my own mother never even called to see how i was doing that day. I think most people think i should be over it by now, that i am dwelling on it, only other mothers that have lost a child really understand me anymore, my husband tries to understand but men greive differently. I am trying to drink less, but still working on that, most nights i only have one or two to take the edge off, i do not take any medications and have not had any kind of grief counseling. I really don't feel like i need counseling at this time, i just need to find my own way down this road of living without my daughter, nothing anyone can say will bring her back or lessen the pain i feel in my heart or loosen this knot that i have felt in my stomach since the police came to my door that early morning two years ago. I have good days but then i have bad days and this whole month has been hard, my birthday on the 7th which was hard because i just missed Stephanie and her artful cards she would make for me because a store bought card just wasn't special enough for her mom, for me. I think most of what Paula wrote is pretty much the same for me, i try to be happy, count my blessings, but there is a sadness deep within my soul and i don't expect that will ever change. My son Josh and his girlfriend are doing well and my grandson Blake is growing so fast and is now potty trained, he is two and a half now, i hate that he will never remember his aunt Steph though, he was seven months old when she died. My husband is doing the best he can, i know its hard on him, Steph was his only biological child and i know he feels alone without her, she had no children, so no biological grandchildren for him and his family is very unsupportive and have always been that way. There is so much family drama with his mom who has dimentia and the people she has choosen to surround herself with, we actually just had to wash our hands of that situation because its hard to help and do the right things when your help is not wanted by the person your trying to help. It is in the courts hands now and i can only hope they see what is going on and appoint my mother in law a court appointed guardian, not my sister in law, somebody with no interest in her SS checks and somebody who will look out for her best interests, period. We are trying to heal and dealing with family drama is too much to deal with right now. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now, it's all i can do today. Praying we can all find some moments of peace and happiness on this journey.

Child Loss / Re: Remembering my baby today
« on: January 12, 2015, 11:23:22 AM »
Terry,                                                                                                                                                     I have only had one angel date with Stephanie and it was so hard, my second is approaching in a few months and i am sure whether its 2 years or 25 years it will always be a hard day for all of us who have lost our precious children. I will forever take her angel and birth days off from work just to sit and remember her, flipping through photos and watching videos of her and remebering everything about her, those are her days. Thinking of you and hoping you have a peaceful day with your memories of Jeff <3 (((Hugs)))

Child Loss / Acceptance
« on: January 12, 2015, 10:55:08 AM »
I haven't been on in a while but i am having another one of those days. It will be 21 months on the 15th since i lost my daughter, and time just keeps ticking on and just when i think that i am finally accepting the fact that my 25 years old daughter died of accidental alcohol poisoning, because the pain is softening some on some days, i find myself having a major break down and crying uncontrollably because i miss her and i just want her to come back home. I can go weeks without crying and then hear a certain song or have a vivid memory and bam it hits like a tital wave of pain and i find myself crying like i did in those early days and asking .....WHY? WHY? WHY? I don't know if i am ever going to be able to accept it and maybe on those good days i am just fooling myself, by trying to convince myself that i am accepting it and in reality i am still in denial. Grief is so confusing, every day is different and i am realizing i have not dealt with it well and maybe thats why i am still stuck in between the denial and acceptance stages of grief. I have been self medicating with alcohol almost everyday to numb myself since the day she died and i know that is not healthy and probably part of my problem and i have cut back some and  i know that i need to stop using that crutch and deal with whatever emotions i have with a clear head and face the truth. Its so hard to look at her bedroom and her things and tell myself she is never coming back and not want to numb that pain. I can't even walk past her room at night to go to bed without pausing for a moment and saying good night and i love you to her. I can't stop thinking about her, the night she died, just everything and thought maybe i would start a journal and just start writing whatever i am feeling at the time down on paper and vent it all out. I thought about seeing somebody to talk to but i am not sure that is the kind of help i want as i know they just give you drugs to cope and isn't that the same as having a few drinks a day to cope? A friend of mine lost her 26 yr old son back in June in a car crash and she is on several meds now and i am not sure if they are really helping her or not as she still seems very depressed but how can she not be, i tell her i am here if she wants to talk but i rarely hear from her and i understand, i have a hard time talking about the fact that we lost our children way to young, i understand the need to be alone and wanting to be left alone. I quess the drug thing scares me to because i am afraid of the side effects and worry that they could push me over the edge, as i am not suicidal now, but i have had some dark thoughts in the past, in the early months, when i didn't think i could go on and felt almost a need to know she was ok in heaven, the drugs scare me. I quess all i can do is keep trying to accept what is and try to do it in more postive ways so that i can be there for my son, grandson and husband because most of the time i am shut down emotionaly, and they are hurting too and some times i forget that because they don't talk about it much at all. I am wondering is it possible to fully accept that your child has died before you?

Child Loss / Re: Adam
« on: September 23, 2014, 07:30:13 PM »
I too wish this was a cure for sadness, its been 17 months since my 25 year old daughter died and i am certain i will never feel whole or complete again. I am blessed with a 29 year old son and a 2 year old grandson who i love, heart and soul, but there is a part of my heart and soul that is broken forever, and it can never be repaired. I know i can smile, i can laugh and have a good time but i will never be completely happy again. Hugs <3

Child Loss / Re: Riding the waves
« on: September 23, 2014, 07:11:34 PM »
It really is a hard journey, thank you for sharing your thoughts, it really does help to know others others understand what i feel.

Child Loss / Re: Stephanie's Birthday ((Melissa)))
« on: September 23, 2014, 06:51:57 PM »
Thank you Terry for remebering my Stephanie's birthday. I did have a better day than i expected i would, my husband, son, his girlfriend and my 2 yr old grandson  and i all went to the cemetary and we sang happy birthday to Stephanie and we released balloons for her to the heavens and there was something spiritual in the air, it was as if she was there, the sun was setting, the balloons twinkled like stars as they entered the heavens and we felt at peace, it was a beautiful evening. Today was rough though, my mother in law came for a visit and she has dementia and as we were saying our goodbyes she turned to me asked where Stepphanie was and i had to tell her for the fourth or fifth time that Stephanie had died almost a year and a half ago, and the shock on her face, it just hit me like a knife to my heart. Those words are still so hard to speak "Stephanie died a year in a half ago" it breaks my heart all over again and i never want to say it again.

Child Loss / Riding the waves
« on: September 10, 2014, 09:55:03 AM »
Its been a while since i posted on here, i have been going on the compasionate friends page on face book the last few months but that is not private and all my friends see what i post or comment on. I was drawn here today because its private and this is also the first place i sought support online when i lost Stephanie. Her birthday is the 16th and its all i can think about lately, she would be turning 27 this year. I miss her so much and its only on pages like this that other people understand what i am going through. I am trying to move forward but its a hard wave to ride, this wave of grief is up and then down, and if your not careful it feels like it will pull you down deep. Its been almost 17 months since Steph died and i can't believe that much time has passed since i last saw her or spoke to her. My marriage is suffering, we both grieve differently and some times the distance between us seems so far, its hard to have those loving feelings when your heart is broken. We have had money and family issues as well, his mom has really bad dementia and he is going to have to become her gaurdian and his sibblings are irresponsible and can't even take care of themselves. I just keep putting on foot in front of the other and go through through the motions of life. I know now the pain will always be there and pray that some day i can find peace within myself. Its going to be up and down this next week, my grandson turns 2 on the 12th and we will be celebrating with family this Sunday which will be nice but its always a somebody is missing feeling when we get together now. Stephs birthday is the 16th which will be hard and we are going to to release a few balloons and drink a beer with her at the cemetary that day, she was all about celebrating her birthdays and i know she would love that.

Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: September 10, 2014, 07:26:59 AM »
I live in the beautiful state of NH

Child Loss / Re: loss of adult child
« on: January 27, 2014, 06:48:44 PM »
Hi Sally,                                                                                                                                 I have never lost an infant but i did lose my 25 year old daughter Stephanie a little over nine months ago and so many things trigger memories of her for me. I have had a few friends who have lost infants tell me they understand my pain and what i am going through when trying to give me some support and although i would never say it to them directly i do in my head think that its not the same. I have no doubts about the pain they feel and their loss is as great as mine but i am sure it is different, because i do think that watching your child grow through all of the different stages of childhood into an adult and sharing it all with them along the way makes it harder. You shared all of those life experiences and memories and adult children also have friends who you most likely run into from time to time and see them growing older, entering new stages of life and it hurts. One of Stephs good friends celebrated her 26th birthday last week and all i could think was Steph will never get to celebrate her 26th birthday. I am friends with most of her good friends on face book and Stephs page is still active so i see the the things they post to her page, messages saying how much they miss her, or things they share that remind them of her, pictures of them with her and sometimes it makes me happy and sometimes it makes me cry because it seems so unfair that she is gone, she touched so many lives and we all miss her so much.

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