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Messages - gloria61

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1
Parent Loss / Re: Unsure
« on: March 21, 2011, 08:29:32 PM »
Dear Unsure,

I know how hard it is to loose a parent; I lost my father in 1989, my mother in 2006, and my son last October 9, 2010.

Even though is has been over 20 years since my dad died I still miss him so much. I watched him suffer with cancer for months, and as badly as I needed him, and wanted him to be there forever I know I had to let go. But there isn't a day that I don't have at least on thought of him. I know I shouldn't say this but his death was harder then my mothers because I was "daddy's little girl”

I miss my mother also, but for some reason my dad's death was and still is harder. She passed very quickly from a heart attack, maybe that’s why, I don’t know. The hardest one I am trying daily to deal with is my son. He was only 25 years old. He attempted suicide while being held in jail, but was left on life support for a week, and when we removed the life support he lingered for ten hours where I sat holding his hand. The hardest thing I have ever done was to watch my child, the son I gave life to take his last breath.

To my utter horror I have recently discovered another young man took his life in the same jail only 4 months after my son. Their deaths were not related, but to find out that yet another young life has ended in the same place makes me so angry, and even though I will never "get over" my son's death, because another young man has died has only resurrected my despair but twice-fold.

I have written many posting here on web healing and there are many people out there feeling the way we do. I don’t post as frequently as I did in the first month or two, but I do come back to read postings and it helps me not feel so alone in this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please take care of yourself

Tina



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Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: March 21, 2011, 07:51:34 PM »
Central Mass approx 1/2 hour from the NH Border. (one hour N.W. from Boston)

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Child Loss / Re: My sister
« on: March 21, 2011, 07:48:04 PM »
Brenda,

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your sister. I can not fathom how difficult this is for you to have lost a child and now to have lost a sister. I myself have always wanted a sister, and when I was younger I used to imagine what it would be like to have one. I just can't find the right words to say how sorry I am.

(((((Brenda))))

Tina

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Suicide Loss / Re: Tina
« on: March 21, 2011, 07:11:42 PM »
Hello Terry,

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner; I actually read this posting a long time ago and because things around here only go from bad to worse I didn't want to drag out all of my feelings here. Not that it hasn't been helpful visiting and chatting with others, it's just that my whole family situation with my daughter and grandsons has literally gone from getting on each others nerves to them not even talking to me. Even though they still live in my home (I think they may be moving in two weeks, but won't even tell me) I am barely allowed to speak to my grandsons. My daughter only speaks to me when she wants or needs something, or to yell at me and tell me she never wanted to come live here. It's like she has completely forgotten or never cared that I lost my only son. That I had to sit and watch him take his very last breathes. That it was me who signed the papers to remove his life support.

I've gotten more consideration and understanding from total strangers then I have my own daughter, and she is so blinded by the lies her "boyfriend" feeds her, that she has actually told me she hates me (as they live in MY home for the past 5 months, and pay nothing for rent, for oil, or lights, they come and go as they please, leave the house a mess, dishes in the sink, etc). There may have been a time when I was a rebellious teenager that I told my mother I hated her because she wouldn't let me go to a school dance or something, but @ twenty-nine; turning thirty in three months is just so messed up. How dare she speak to me that way! My eldest grandson, whom I love with all my heart, who lived in this home from birth till he was three, is barely allowed to speak to me anymore when the “step dad” is here.

In all honesty I can’t wait until they move out; I have no respect for my daughter what so ever any more. Since my son’s death she hasn’t once talked to me about him, about my plans for his ashes, nothing. So when the time comes, hopefully early summer when I plan to take my son’s ashes home and release some of them I’m not even going to bother discussing it with her. My son may have done some hurtful things to me when he was on drugs, but if the situation was reversed (God forgive me for even saying the words) and it had been her that died, my son never, ever would have treated me as badly as my daughter has.

The pain and loss I feel over the death of my son is compounded daily because his sister, my only surviving child treats me with contempt and utter disrespect. I will worry every second of every day about my grandson’s when they move out (“step-dad still has his pill habit, and I’ about 95% positive she does to thanks to him) but if they don’t I’m going to loose my sanity. I go to bed every night wishing I could call my son and talk to him about his sister, but I can’t he’s gone forever, and I don’t know how much of this forever I can deal with. I would give anything to wrap my arms around him, and feel his strong arms around me one more time.

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Suicide Loss / Re: Introductions
« on: January 06, 2011, 05:50:15 PM »
Carol,

If it helps and you have the ability I suggest writing what you need to on a word document and save it, then you can cut and paste it into the reply box.

I too have sat and written only to tap the wrong key and loose it all. I strongly suggest you try using a program like Word, or note pad; write out all that you want and copy and paste it.

Don't give up!

Tina

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Suicide Loss / Re: Carol
« on: January 06, 2011, 04:12:46 AM »
Carol,

I recently lost my 25 year old son to suicide in October 2010. I know your pain, I know your heartache and often think myself that if I just died the pain would go away. I have found some consolation here, which I cannot seem to get from my “loved” ones.

I wish I had the answers that it seems we both need; why did our son’s do this? What could we have done to prevent it? There isn’t a day or an hour that I don’t think of my son. I had the added agony of sitting by my son’s side for 10 hours after life support was removed, watching and waiting for his last breaths. I can’t tell you when the pain goes away because I fear that it does not. I’ve read what others write here and it appears that the pain does not go away; it sounds like eventually we may find ways to live with and redirect it, and it sounds to me from others that write here that the pain can rear it’s ugly head when we least expect it.

I to sit here and wish for my own death: so that I can be with my son again, but I have a daughter and two beautiful grandsons living with me that need me right now. I have not yet gotten counseling, but plan to do so very soon. I have no one to talk to; my daughter has told me she doesn’t want to talk to me even though she lives in my home. I see the pain in her eyes; I know the loss she is feeling; yet I can’t talk to her. My “other half” also lives here and I can’t talk to him because he hated my son, as well as my son hated him. So I’m living in a house full of people I love but yet I live in a house alone??

I am so sorry that you have to come here to write as I have done, and many more before us. But take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Gale has responded to my posts many times, and I can honestly say that on a few occasions in the middle of the night I have come to my computer and read her words over and over, and they have brought me the comfort my own loved ones have not. Thank you Gale, in your pain and grief you have brought comfort to someone else.

As Gale has said, please write, as often, as much, or as little as you need and want. I have found that writing here helps; I know it won’t bring my son Alex back to me, but being able to express my pain and anger is comforting, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

Tina (Gloria61)

7
Child Loss / Re: Facebook
« on: January 01, 2011, 06:01:22 PM »
Any one interested please add me too  Tina Farnsworth - include Webhealing in the request so I know.
I lost my son in October 2010, I've posted a few times here, but am on facebook more then anything, just to pass the days away, and to see my son's page and leave him notes. I know he will never read them, but when my time to pass comes, I hope that those who are in my life will see just how much I loved him, how much I miss him, and how empty the remainder of my life will be with out him.

My life has changed forever, my daughter is distant, and my "other half" is about to leave me because he "can't deal with all the 'issues', sadness and agger in my life. I guess if that's how he really feels then it's time for me to let him go. If my daughter, the only child I have left can't see what's happening to me, then so be it too. The only joy I have left in life are my two grandsons.

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Suicide Loss / Re: Tina
« on: December 29, 2010, 07:45:31 PM »
Terry you have no idea how much those  few words mean to me. I am lost in a sea of grief and pain, and the ones who should be trying to save me are pushing my head down further and further into the depths of darkness. I feel sorry for them, I hope they never feel the sadness that I have in my heart right this minute. I miss my son, and if I had just one wish, just one thing in life I could change; I'd have my son Alex back. No matter what he did, no matter how much he hurt me, and made me angry, he gave me love. I just want my son back.

Tina

9
It's taken me a couple months but I finally realized that my son is gone for good, that my family is forever broken, and that I have spent my life doing anything and everything for anyone who needed it all for nothing.  When I was six, I found out that I was adopted from the kids at school. I remember the tears as I was brought home to my "parents" who told me how they "picked" me out of a whole room of children.  From that day forward I struggled to find the love that I had lost when I was "given" away. I got married, I had two beautiful children, and I gave them all the love I felt I never had.Tonight I have come to the realization that I have wasted my time. I've struggled to keep my home, I tried to love and guide my children the best that I could with what I had. I've bent over backwards to have a family, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, because a family is what I wanted more then anything in life. As I sit here and write this, tears spilling down my face, I sit here alone in a house full of people. No one who "claims" to love me, not a single friend, not my "loving" daughter, or my "soul mate' have a clue of the pain and agony I live with day after day, minute after minute. I sit here alone just waiting for my "loved" ones to see how much I want my life to end. How much their actions hurt me, and how much I miss my son.  At this point I'd trade my life and everything I have left to have my son back, at least he didn't pretend to be something he wasn't, and when he told me he loved me I knew he meant it. I'm not looking for sympathy; I just want those who say they love me to actually show it. One of these days, when my time comes, and I sit by my son's side where ever he is I hope my "loved ones" find this and realize how much they have and are hurting me.

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Suicide Loss / Gail
« on: December 22, 2010, 06:55:40 AM »
Gail,

I just wanted to say my prayers are with you today, and I'm wishing Rachel a Happy Birthday in Heaven, and I'll check back through out the day to see if you need someone to talk to.

Tina

11
Suicide Loss / Thinking of you
« on: December 16, 2010, 09:11:50 PM »
Gail,
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you tonight, and if you had support from your daughters? You said you had three and Rachel was the youngest, so I'm assuming that you have two surviving daughters.

I was trying to talk with my daughter earlier and she is so short with me, and angry that she lives here. I broke down the other day and asked her why she doesn't talk to me. I can't imagine why, knowing full well she is the only child I have left that she would be so cold. Well one reason is her "fiance" he's been pulling her and my grandsons away for a long time. He's very controling, and just a mean man through and through.  The week preceding Alex's death my daughter never called me, she never came over and never returned a call if I left a message. It turns out that her "fiance" had been arrested 4 days after Alex's death. He was arrested for having prescription drugs (Oxyconton) that weren't prescribed to him and he was accused of a breaking and entering and stealing a large sum of money. That's why they are living with me now, her landlord found out and they were evicted. He lost his job, they had no money for an apartment so they had to "settle" for living with me.

I needed my daughter when Alex died. I needed her to talk to, and she couldn't give me the time of day. Now she tells me that she doesn't want to be here, but has no choice.  You mentioned you had other daughters; were they their for you when Rachel died?

It's killing me to know that he has her so turned around that she would be so insensitive to me and my feelings. Some days lately I just want to tell her to leave if it's so unbearable to live in the home I have struggled so long to keep for my family. Since I lost the other home, the thing I strive for the most is to keep my house so that when my children needed a place to go, they could always come home. So many times I let Alex come back, no matter how much he stole, no matter how much he hurt me. Now I have to live everyday knowing that my daughter is using me and could care less how much my heart is breaking. I try to not say anything negative about him, but nothing changes. He calls her an f-n retard, a f-n looser, etc... People who know me have asked me why is she with such a ugly man. Why does she let him treat her and the kids so badly, and I have to say; I really don't know.
Did you have any problems with talking to your daughters after Rachel's death?

How do I get my daughter to talk to me when she is being controlled by a monster. And that's not just my opinion, I haven't met one person who can say anything good about him. And I don't understand how she can care about a man who has turned her life and my grandson's lives upside down, and so very soon after she has lost her only brother. And over drugs too! Doesn't she see what drugs did to her brother, my only son??

How do I get through this when my daughter, the only child I have left doesn't even care about her mother. Or if she does she isn't allowed to show it.
By the way my name is Tina, I used Gloria61 because  of a song that I love. I should have said so sooner, but I didn't care what anyone called me, just that someone cared enough to talk to me. I apologize for not saying so sooner.

12
Suicide Loss / Hoping pictures have posted.
« on: December 15, 2010, 05:14:03 AM »
Thank you Terry for your directions. Hopefully as I post this, there will be two photos of Alex.

I so miss his smile, and beautiful blue eyes. How I wish he knew how much I missed him and that I forgave him for all his mistakes in judgment. Drugs destroy people. Drugs destroy families. I wish I could get every young person to realize that the amount of pain that they relieve by using drugs, doesn't compare to the amount of pain that using them causes the ones they love.

(Well the URL shows up, and if clicked on you can see them, but the photos themselves do not appear, but I appreciate the help none the less)

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Suicide Loss / How to post a photo
« on: December 14, 2010, 07:34:00 PM »
I'd like to share a photo of my son Alex, but I can't figure out how to get it loaded. Can someone please help me?

Gloria61

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Child Loss / Re: Birthdays & Angel Days
« on: December 14, 2010, 05:22:07 PM »
Alexander Frederick Farnsworth

Birth date  September 5, 1985
Angel date October 9, 2010

For ever lost, but will never be forgotten. In my thoughts every second of every day.

Love Mom

15
Suicide Loss / To Gail
« on: December 14, 2010, 07:29:46 AM »
Gail, I wish I had the right words to say about your beautiful daughter. I want to be as sensitive as I possibly can. I can relate to the situation your Rachel was feeling, as I have felt the same because of the economy. I’ve been struggling for the past 5 or more years with keeping my home. Not to put down my son, but as I’ve said before he played a major role in my financial failure since 2003.

I wish that I had known your daughter if only to tell her that there is no shame in financial failure of this sort. I lost a home back in the mid 90’s. I suffered some injuries at work that left me unemployable for some time and far behind in all of my bills. Long story short we sought the advice of a “financial advisor.”  He was about finances for sure; he took our money, we lost our home and I firmly believe that was the beginning of my son’s down fall.

After we lost our home we had to live with a friend of my husband for a while, he was kind enough to let us all move in, but he also forgot that my children had parents and was always on Alex’s back. “Alex pick up your socks” Alex do your home work.” Alex, Alex do this Alex don’t do that… One day I got into a fight with my husband to “stand up for his family” tell his friend that we are the parents and he wasn’t man enough to do so.  I found an apartment and eventually and we separated. I hated him for not standing up for our family, and most importantly Alex.  But what I would have told Rachel is you can bounce back. It took several years but I own my own home again, was able to buy a new car etc….. I so wish I could have told her that it’s not shameful to fail, sometimes there are things that happen that we have no control over what so ever. It sickens me to know such a beautiful young lady felt the only way out was death.

I still blame my ex-husband, and the way he failed our family and Alex. When we separated Alex started smoking pot, and was having difficulties in school, he was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and bi-polar. As I mentioned before I ran the gamut in respects to alternative schooling and even a residential school. But eventually Alex was of age and I lost the legal ability to “help” him. Then the rest is history; he started stealing, and eventually started doing heroin.

I am so; so sorry that Rachael let the situation get the better of her. Sometimes we get so caught up in the stigma of financial failure we loose sight of what is most important in life. I know that you did the best you can in your conversation with Rachael, I had the same conversation with Alex the day before he ended his life. I thought I had said all the right things, and I thought he had enough faith in me to help him. I know he faced several years in jail, but I thought I had convinced him that several years would be better then a lifetime with out him.

My heart goes out to you, as I can’t fathom how hard this holiday season in particular will be for you since Rachael was a Christmas baby.  Even in my own grief I am here for you. I do apologize it has taken days for me to reply but with my daughter here and my two young grandchildren quite, private moments are hard to come by. I will go to bed tonight and say an extra prayer for you and your family. Maybe some place in heaven our children have found each other and are looking down on us and sending us the strength to make it through.

Gloria

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