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Messages - SarahW

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Child Loss / Just checking in
« on: September 22, 2016, 07:56:21 PM »
I know it's been a long time but I've been so busy . . . which is a good thing.

Though it was 7 years in July since I lost Vince, it still hurts almost as much as it did on day 1; I'm just better able to deal with the pain.  I still cry for him a lot.

But the bad times are interspersed with good times.

The two teenage girls I adopted are still in my life, thought the older  one has taken off with her horribly objectionable boyfriend and I rarely see her.  I am hoping she will hit bottom one day and manage to crawl out of this hole she is digging for herself.  The younger one is now 16 and is really showing so much progress in overcoming the terrible years of neglect and abuse she went through before going into foster care.

I have a two year old foster daughter that I am just in love with, but I am trying to resist the temptation to adopt her.  I've had her for 8 months and I am pretty attached to her. I'm a single woman who is much too old to be her actual mom, and I don't want to be selfish about this.  I am guessing once all the paper work is done they would have no trouble finding someone to adopt this sweet, smart little cutie pie.

I also have a 3 yr old foster son, off and on - his mom has been having serious mental health issues and she gets better for awhile and then he goes back, but then he comes back . . . it looks like I might be getting him back soon for another few months.  I am crazy about him, too, and worry about him when he's gone.  I think his mom truly cares for him, but she is very unstable and I worry for his safety when she is unwell.

ANYHOW- I know I haven't been around here, but please know I think of you all quite often, and I will never forget the help it was to find this place in those early years. It is still good just to know in the back of my mind that you are here.

I still miss Vince like crazy and sometimes it still seems like I can't take another breath, but having my daughter and the little ones keeps me going.

I've had more "little signs" and dreams where I get to see Vince, and that helps, though I wish they were more frequent.

One thing that really helped me was one night about a year ago - I couldn't sleep and I felt so much like Vince was near . . . and I just gave into it.  I said hi to him and I felt this rush of feeling like he'd just come into my arms.  I hugged my pillow and cried and cried with joy.  It felt so much like he was really there and he was so glad I'd finally said hi and let him in.  It wasn't all I hope our reunion to be someday; it was just my pillow and my mind's eye . ..  but also I think, some real presence and connection to him.  Whatever it was, it helped lift my spirits. It still does when I think of it.

I told no one about that, by the way - I mean, who can you tell who would understand? So it feels good to tell it here - to people who will understand.

All my best to all of you!!  Much love to all.

Child Loss / Re: Plans for Thanksgiving?
« on: November 14, 2015, 01:14:38 AM »
Having a lot of people over for T-day, including my mother-in-law, who just turned 89!  I know I've mentioned before that she is the one person who really understands what it was for me to lose Vince.  She had lost her son (my husband) when he was young, and then of course, she lost her grandson.  She's always up for talking about Vince and truly knows how I feel. I will be glad to see her - I need to treasure these coming years with her.  She is in fairly good health for her age but time passes so quickly.

I expect to have a good Thanksgiving.  Vince's birthday was not long after the holiday season, so I always think a lot about him -- that is hard, but it is more good than hard.  I like to feel close to him and keep him on my mind.

All my best wishes to you, ladies, for a good Thanksgiving -- will find some time to think of you during that day.

Child Loss / Re: Dealing with the first holiday season
« on: October 27, 2015, 03:25:09 PM »

Haven't been here for awhile - have been so busy.  Had a two yr old boy as a foster child and wow, did that keep me moving!  Still have the teenage girls that I adopted and that is going well.  The little boy went home earlier this week and that has been challenging . . . as you can imagine, his home situation is far from ideal, so it was hard to let him go.  Also, having him around brought back many memories of Vince at that age, but that mostly felt good (bittersweet).  I was selfishly hoping to have him for the holidays.

Anyhow, just wanted to drop in and wish you all the best through the holiday season - it is especially challenging.  I know what you mean about people who don't seem to want to talk about your child.  I am lucky in that I do have family that is fine with it and that enjoys talking about Vince . . . but I also have family that seems to feel awkward and exchange glances when I mention Vince, if you know what I mean.  Maybe I am being paranoid, but I always imagine they are thinking "My God, it's been years and years, is she never going to get over it??"  Of course, the answer to that question is: "No, I never, ever, ever am, and I don't want to." But maybe I am being unfair - maybe it is just that awkwardness people have when you talk about anything that reminds them of death in general, and the death of a child in particular.

Now that the 2yr old has gone home, maybe I can pop in here more.  It's possible he will be back if his reunification doesn't work out.  He was such a cutie and I would take him back in a second. Hopefully, his parents have truly managed to get things together and keep them together - - very iffy, but I have to keep myself from hoping it DOESN'T work out.  Because that would be wrong, but . . . well, this is hard.

Child Loss / Re: Vincent's Angel Date
« on: July 27, 2015, 09:57:48 PM »
Thanks, as always, for remembering Vince.  I went to the cemetery with my mother-in-law, my sister, and my 15 yr old daughter.  It was hard but it is always good to remember him.

The cemetery is over a hundred miles from where I live, so I don't go as often as I'd like.  Which is probably good.  Everytime I go, I have to keep myself from just lying face down with my head on the flat tombstone and trying to wish him alive, somehow.  I don't tell anyone that . . . I mean, how it feels to be there, how much it make me want him with me again.  I know he's not really there, but . . . well, it's hard.  I just don' think people outside of those here on the forum will really understand.  I've never gone there alone, which is probably a good thing.

Child Loss / Re: Pondering the mysteries of life......
« on: July 19, 2015, 08:42:40 PM »
Haven't been here for a long while because I've been so busy and keeping myself distracted, but eventually the tide of grief washes over you again.  There is really no outrunning it, is there?

It was feeling it tonight . . . you know, "I want my son, I want my son, I want my son."  Thought I would drop in here and was glad to see your post sharing your vision in the graveyard, Paula.

I never had an experience like that one, but it heartens me to hear of yours.  Like you, I feel certain I've had signs and that my son still exists in some way that I cannot know right now, and he is still with me. Even with the way I keep myself busy, I still think of him almost constantly . . . you know, that underlying hum that is just always there, and sometimes not so underlying.

I'm doing OK.  I adopted two of my foster daughters and they have been a blessing.  Also, I have been doing temporary care for babies that come into protective services, which has been great.  I just keep them for anywhere from a day to a week or so.  It really helps ease the pain of not having grandchildren yet (the girls are teens . . . Vince would have been in his 30s by now, but he was my only child and never had children). And it is just fun and distracting.  Also . . . this may sound silly, but I repeat my son's full name to the babies several times before they leave to go home or go to a more permanent foster placement.  It makes me feel like even though they won't remember, there will be someone alive, maybe even in 2100, who would have heard my son's name.  I haven't told anyone that, because who would understand?  But I know the parents here will understand.

Gosh, I miss my son.  Just having one of those nights where I miss, miss, miss, miss my son.

My 15 yr old got to meet some of Vince's friends the other day, and she really enjoyed hearing the crazy stories about him (of which there are many), and I think they enjoyed being able to tell them.  It was kinda hard on me, but good, too.  The older girl has moved out with her bf (ACCKKK!! But that is another story.)

And we got a new dog.  My 15 yr old, Roxy, picked her out.  The new dog looks so much like Vince's old dog from when he was a kid and young teen, that I've accidentally called her by the other dog's name a couple of times; I've even occasionally called my daughter "Vince."  I look around me, especially with this dog now, and wonder how deliberately I've tried to recreate the past. My daughter got into some mild trouble that reminded me so much of some stuff that happened when Vince was a teen.  Then she picks out this black dog with white chest spot, white paws and white tip on its tail? Exactly like Vince's dog except somewhat heftier (not so skinny-Minnie).

More signs?  I don't know, because Roxy is her own person, after all.  But still, how weird it is to look around and think it could almost be 15 yrs ago, the way things are.

One thing, Paula --  I've wondered about it too, but no, I don't think anyone is a pawn in someone else's life lessons.  Everyone has their own life and it's just as central and important as anyone else's.  No one is a pawn, I don't think . . . someone else's life may influence yours or teach you important lessons, but that is not the reason for their existence or for what they went through, IMO.

Well, thanks for listening.  Just having one of those nights where I can't stop missing Vincent.

Child Loss / Just saying hi and catching up
« on: November 05, 2014, 02:42:48 PM »

Haven't been here much because I've had so much going on . . ..

--Adopted the eldest foster child, Mariah, in August. (She just turned 18.)

--Will be adopting her younger sister in late November. (She's 14.)

--Still have the youngest sister also, working on adopting her, but it is not a sure thing. (She's 12.)

--We moved to a new house!  The house hunting and buying and moving has been wild and crazy.  We are still living partly out of boxes and I'm still working on getting the old house ready for sale.  WHEW!!

Moving from the house I lived in with Vince was hard in a lot of ways, but I "brought him with me."  I had such of feeling of closeness to him that first week in the new house.  I know he is still with me.

Hugs to all - I did some reading and catching up . . . best wishes for the holidays to all posters, new and old.  Know you are not alone in what you are facing.  Much love!

Child Loss / Re: Vince's Angel Date ((Sarah))
« on: July 23, 2014, 05:55:59 PM »

((((((Sarah)))))) :love9:

Thinking of Vince today on his angel date and wishing you a day filled with wonderful memories. May one of those special memories bring peace to your heart.

Love & Hugs,

Thanks for remembering Vince today, Terry.  I have been thinking a lot about him, though I've had a very busy day with the girls - which is a good thing.  I shed a few tears, but didn't have time to brood.

Child Loss / Good days and bad
« on: June 15, 2014, 08:45:23 PM »
So it was a bad day yesterday, and this is the best place to share, with people who know how it is.

I was taking my foster daughter to an activity at a local center, and I noticed the parking lot was full of people, and there was wedding going on in another part of the building.  Then I noticed one of Vince's friends in the crowd, and called to him - talking to him, I learned that another of Vince's friends was getting married . . . and anyhow, it was quite a gathering of "Vince's old crowd," many of whom I had not seen, and had not seen each other, since Vince's funeral almost five years ago. 

It was so unexpected, to run into that bunch - see how they are getting married, having children . . . it was wonderful, and I was grateful for the coincidence (except I don't really see it as a coincidence) but it was also so, so hard.

I kept thinking that Vince should be there, in that crowd, he would surely have been invited to the wedding, maybe I would have even dropped him off there yesterday, instead of my foster daughter.

It's hard not to keep thinking:  Why Vince?  Of all those people, why is Vince the one who is gone?  Later, someone posted pictures from the wedding on FB, including a picture of all the old pals together again, smiling and laughing - and I kept thinking:  Vince should be in those pictures.  Why isn't Vince in those pictures, grinning with that semi-shy, twinkly grin of his?  Where is Vince?

So I had to have a good cry, and I'm still feeling down, but a bit better.

Good news is that it looks like I will be adopting the girls - it's a long process, but it is looking very hopeful.  The older two sisters have been with me for 3 yrs, and the younger sis has been with me for 6 mos.

Child Loss / Re: Just call me Bubbe
« on: June 15, 2014, 08:29:41 PM »
On Thurs. evening, May 29, 2014, at 9:16 p.m. a beautiful new angel entered my world. My 1st and only granddaughter, Ellyn (Ellie) Grace, weighing in at a whopping 9 lbs. and 20.5" long.
I am one thrilled woman!
XO Paula

Congratulations, Paula.  That is wonderful.

Child Loss / Re: For Our Moms: Happy Mother's Day
« on: May 12, 2014, 09:02:53 PM »

Dear Moms,  :love9:
I posted this on the board last year. There is nothing I could add to this post. I hadn't heard this song since last year until I just now listened to it and....I could not stop crying. No matter how much time goes by or what is going on in my life, it still hurts so bad to not have my children.

I'm holding all of our precious Moms so close to my heart this Mother's Day and wishing each one of you a day filled with the most beautiful memories of your baby and the greatest gift of Heaven's Store...Peace.

 :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:    :angel11:
On this Mother's Day, we remember the love we brought into the lives of our children as we gave birth, watched them grow and then had to let them go. They live still. They live always, deep in our hearts, in that place that no one else can ever go.

There is no greater love than the love we shared together and nothing, not time or even death can ever taint that love. It is forever.

Although some of us have surviving children, the deep pain of loss is always there on a day when we are remembered for the greatest role we will ever play in our lives. And, regardless of how many children we are still blessed with, there will always be one less plate at the table and the same heavy teardrop will fall upon our face before closing our eyes at night.

There is no job more important or more satisfying than one of a loving Mother. And, no life more precious than that of our child.

I wish you peace today as you are honored for being wonderful, loving Mothers and when placing our hands over our hearts, we feel them still....with every beat.

Happy Mother's Day.  :love9:


PS....I heard this song and thought it was so sweet. I imagined "our babies" singing it to us...."I Will Always Be Your Baby"

Happy Mothers Day

Thanks for your thoughtful posts on Mother's Day.

Have been having a rough week and I'm not sure why - maybe Mother's Day, maybe impending adoption of one of the girls . . . I don't know. Just hurting a lot this week, thinking of Vince a lot.  It will be 5 yrs in July, and I guess that seems like something of a milestone - but it still feels like yesterday most of the time. 

I had one of those "sudden meltdown" moments during lunch with a friend a few days ago.  These days, I am usually able to talk about Vince for a short while without a problem, but as I started to tell my lunch companion some trivial little thing like "Vince liked the hamburgers here. . ." all of a sudden my throat closed up and I just froze and couldn't talk.   Tears started to come and I had to choke out an apology and say, "Sorry, sometimes I just
can't talk about him, I usually can, but sometimes it just can't.  I never know which it's going to be."

I drank some water and changed the subject and got a hold of myself, but I've been teary and upset ever since.

Maybe it's because I've been thinking of moving out of this house and buying a new one - even went to an open house.  It's a big deal, to leave this house and move to one that Vince has never been in.  It doesn't feel right, somehow, like he won't be able to find me, if he comes home.  I mean, I know he can't, but it's hard to shake the feeling.

Child Loss / Re: So I'm wondering
« on: April 08, 2014, 07:45:31 PM »
I too, don't want to care for myself. I am disappointed every morning that I woke up. I wouldn't hurt myself purposely, but the stress of my life and multiple griefs make me want to go to sleep and never wake up to the pain again. it seems that as soon as I am recovering somewhat from a loss, I get another one. I don't have many in my family left, I hope I go before them.

I understand too.

I don't take as good care of myself as I used to, and it's much more of a struggle to care, than it used to be.  I take some comfort in feeling like I'm moving in a positive direction, even if it is slow with one step back for every two steps forward.

I mentioned that I'm likely to be adopting some girls (17, 14, 11) and I am really looking forward to doing it . . . mostly.  The one thing that I work on is battling that worry in my gut, that I could lose one, and I want more than anything else to please, please, please, please, die before any of them do.

But I wanted that with Vince, too.  It was my one, biggest wish, like any parent.  And I survived, so I know I can survive such a loss.  But I still have to work at not letting myself get so overwhelmed by the worry that I don't get back on the horse.

It's hard.  It's so hard.  It's so very, very, moment by moment.  Be good to yourself, and know that this place, and all of us, are here.

Child Loss / Re: So I'm wondering
« on: April 08, 2014, 07:39:47 PM »
For sure, Sarah.  And here I have found so many who understand. I remember at the end of that first year that some said, it's been a year, time to move on.  I thought - here's what it's like to lose a child: cut off a limb and hemorrhage for the rest of your life, that's what it's like.  Three years and four months after Jim died, that's when I decided I cared whether I lived or died.  As I  explained - it's not that I was suicidal.  I just didn't care. I took bad care of myself.  Now? I'm glad I survived, and I'm not in any hurry to join my boys.  My two girls survive, and one of them has two little kids. They add so much to the joy of survival.  I didn't think i could endure 15 days without my son.  And now, after much hard work, I have survived 15 years - and I'm glad I have survived.  Though for a long time, I really didn't want to. I guess, really, that's what I hope to impart to those new on this journey. Yes, it's awful, unlike any other loss.  But we survivors can once again create meaning in life, and "joy cometh in the morning."

I had so little family left when I lost my son; he was my only child, and he died before he had any children.  I honestly thought the day would never come when I wanted to live more than I wanted to die.  Right now, I have some days that I want to die more, and some days that I want to live more.

I started doing foster care, to get to the place you talk about . . . creating new meaning in life, and also giving meaning to the loss, letting good come out of the bad.  And it's worked.  It's because of my foster daughters that I've made the progress I have.  And I have a good chance of adopting them soon.

But wow.  It is so hard and so many days still hurt so badly.  It will be 5 yrs in July, and I think for many others in my son's life, it may feel like 5 yrs.  But it is forever yesterday to me.

And still, eventually, as you say, joy cometh in the morning.  Some mornings, anyhow.

Child Loss / Re: Another anniversary
« on: April 01, 2014, 08:27:47 PM »
So tomorrow marks the 15th anniversary of that knock on the door at 3:30 in the morning, the news that changed our lives forever.  My Colleen was 15 at the time.  The first thing she said was Mom - nothing's ever gonna be the same, is it. I don't think I answered her question. I took charge, did what had to get done. Not sure how or where the strength came from. Then after the funeral my friend who had lost her husband to cancer at 47 wrote: you think the worst is over, but the worst is just beginning. She was so right. Got through the first year. Got through the 1st anniversary. Then I realized: after surviving all those days of that first year without him, I had to learn to live my life, the rest of my life, without my son.  As a family we've done a miraculous job learning to live as we know our Jimmy wants us to live. We suffer together.  We rejoice together. We try to glue together the million pieces of our broken hearts. We survive. We live.
Barb mom of Jim (1999) Tom (2007) and 2 surviving daughters

Will be thinking of you and your Jimmy tomorrow.

All my best to you and yours.

Child Loss / Re: So I'm wondering
« on: April 01, 2014, 08:25:48 PM »
Thanks, Barb.

It is comforting like nothing else, knowing that there are others who understand what it is like.

Child Loss / Re: So I'm wondering
« on: March 28, 2014, 05:00:59 PM »

I feel the same as you, Barb. It always felt so good and safe to know no matter what time I got up, I could jump online and either write out how I was feeling or just read. It has always meant so much to me as I know it does to so many others here, too.

I never stop missing, either. Too devastating to seem real, even now after all these years.


Same here.

Went to the cemetery today.

Good God, I miss that boy.

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