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Messages - Rodney

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Wedding Anniversary!
« on: February 28, 2015, 12:52:40 PM »
Thank you all, for reading, and leaving messages, they are helpful.
The kicker in this time of year for me personally is, on March 6th is the day Jennifer died, passing to the other side.
So, roughly two weeks apart are these monumental day's, and yes, I am mostly numb! Waking up this morning, while drinking my coffee, tears ran down my face, and I was unable to identify exactly why? Maybe I just miss her so? I sometimes have to laugh at myself, for of course...I will always miss her! It's learning how to carry on with my life without her by my side! She knew me like no other, she was my soul-mate, and I am accutely aware of that now probably more than ever before. It is not as gloomy as this may sound, yet still have moments like that, and I personally have to stay away from that darkness for it would, and has, enveloped me body & soul. I look at the love we shared, and the good times even in her illness, and remind myself, I know what forgiveness is, and unconditional love from one who knew all there was to know about me, and that is a rare thing to share with another human being.

Thank you all for being with me in spirit through all this!
((((((Hugs to All)))))

Spouse, Partner Loss / Wedding Anniversary!
« on: February 23, 2015, 10:43:18 AM »
Hello everyone, I don't even know how to feel today, kinda numb I guess. This is so wierd...being without my Jennifer, and starting life over. I have been seing someone, and if that hasn't brought up some issues, in the last few weeks. I know Jennifer would & did want me to be happy, and that thought I hang on to. Yet, this day would have been our 9th anniversary, and I wish I knew how or what to feel? Sorting through all the stuff inside...I guess it comes down to a sense of sadness, missing her and that I guess is "normal"? I have to laugh at myself for playing shrink on myself, because I'm not particularl.y fond of "shrinks", no offense to anyone.

I was remembering our last one together, and she was in her hospital bed at home, and we had no money to buy anything for our anniversary for one another. I remember her saying: "happy anniversary baby!", and I honestly don't remember what I said in response, and that bothers me a little. I'm sure I responded in kind, yet just don't remember it. I do remember her, and that day! I sure do miss her!

I'm not sure what to do, or what to say? Kinda feeling in limbo here, uncertain, confussed a little, mixed feelings, and yet gratefull to have been loved so deeply by such a beautiful woman as her.

Thank you all for reading. Hugs to all!


Thank you Terry! I've been looking for that pic, misplaced it somewhere..
We were so happy in that time, that place in our journey together.
Thank you~
Much love & hugs~

Hi Terry! Thank you so much for all you do. I am also waiting for those words, and all the decorrations to be put away...Bah Humbug! (lol) Seriously, I had to go back to A. A., just to get a handle on my side of the street. It's funny, in a way, I think some where deep I hoped that if I did x plus z, that I wouldn't miss Jennifer as much, and the pain would magically be gone. I also knew, and yet didn't want to acknowledge that, I will always miss her, and my part in this journey is to find even just a little peace amongst all the sorrow, knowing she wouldn't/didn't desire/wish for me to suffer the rest of my life, and to learn...ever so slowly, to live, and love life once again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy! (lol) Just not as crazy. I am able to hold down a job now, and have been working sense August, which is when I moved back to Salem. There have been lots of little & big blessings along this path, and for those I am grateful. This site is one of those blessings!

As far as the holidays, no plans...just waiting it out, and using my avoidance tacticks as much as possile so no one gets hurt. lol

Great big hugs, love & Peace Terry!

PS: Forgive my grammar? (lol)

Thank you Lisa! I know the "girls" are watching out for me in so many little ways.
I need to get ready for work, so we shall attempt to keep in touch with you all.

I have moved over the mountains to the valley where it all started, what seems so long ago, and have moved into an old house my beloved Jennifer, and Regina shared at different times, long story. For two years after Jennifer's death I didn't work, helped a friend. Yet, sense moving to the valley I have been working steady now sense August, and have bought a cute little Montero 4x4, and accumilating "things" again, and yet there persist within me this emptyness, this loneliness that just knaws at me, not all the time, yet mostly, and I so wish she...Jennifer &  Regina was here to share these "things" with. I think thats the thing knawing at me is the loneliness now. Not having them to share our life with...that's the hardest thing now. I know in my heart they all had a part in helping me gain all that has come my way, even the little bit of peace I feel from time to time, comes from them, and our love we shared. Please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for having the blessing of knowing both my lovely wives, and having the courage & love to be there for them in their hour of need. Not to mention all that they taught me along our walk upon this lovely earth together.

Like i said; it's been a long while sense I was here, and wanted or needed to say hi to one's who understand, for the people around me don't get it, and i keep it to myself...close to my heart...which isn't as broken as I once felt it was once upon a time not to long ago.
Thank you all.
Great big hugs to all!! 

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Hit by a car
« on: January 16, 2013, 01:30:51 AM »
I'm glad you didn't break anything, how amazing.
Someone's watching out for you dude!


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: So lost!
« on: January 16, 2013, 01:24:38 AM »
Thank you all for the love, and support. I really didn't mean to sound so down and out. It's just everything is snowballing, and I see no way out, and it was more of a view of what's coming. I'm not quit to the point of having to call for help, yet when that day come's I will. I have been down this path before, and yes there are shelter's, and food banks, and I will use them if necessary. The shelter's are a iffy thing, some are ok, others no way. Just thought I'd say something, and not have someone worry about me. When we all have so much on our plates already.
Hugs to all !

Peace ~Rodney~

Spouse, Partner Loss / So lost!
« on: January 07, 2013, 04:29:59 PM »
Yesterday was ten months sense my Jennifer passed away, and I just can't shake this feeling that I'm just going to wander as a homeless person for awhile. I have had this sense she passed, and you's ok. Because I don't know what else to do. None of my supposed friends want to talk to me about what's really going on so I keep writing in my journal which is my only true friend sense Jennifer. I've looked for work yet the economy is so bad here, and being without a car just makes it that much more difficult. I have to just resign myself to my fate for now, and maybe it will change someday. Yet that someday isn't today, and it wasn't yesterday so I suspect it won't tomorrow. Just saying the odds don't look good. Unless there is some kind of miracle which I honestly don't expect that either, because if there were going to be one it would or could have come 11 months ago when we really needed one.

Spouse, Partner Loss / coversation with God, journal entry.
« on: December 25, 2012, 04:37:35 PM »
My love, it's's Christmas, and my heart cries out for you are not here! Your in your grave! I am alone! I feel so alone on this day you loved so. My soul searches for relief, yet finds none. Has God abandoned me also to my grief? Am I to carry this agony the rest of my life? How shall I heal? How shall I carry on? How shall I live without love? How shall I live without God? For it seems all have turned their backs upon me. Leaving me this slaughtering of my heart, and soul. My body seems to exist in this void. How do I....? What is this thing called death? Separation? Yet the memory of you still lives within me. Even when I wish it was all wiped clean, so the pain would cease. Yet I could not live with that wish being fulfilled. For as much as I don't want this pain, all of what happened is part of me now. I really wouldn't trade it for unknowing you, loving you. I just wish I would think, breath, sleep! Yet waking reminds me of your absence, and laying down reminds me of my loneliness, my isolation without you, and I cry far into the early morning for you! It is Christmas...the first one without you, and I don't know what to do! There is no tree, no presents, no family, no you. I sit here listening to Psalm 77, over, and over, and I just want to scream at God....WHY? Why has everyone abandoned me in my old age? Am I, was I that evil? Maybe so? Smoking cigs for relief yet get none. Hope for a phone call yet want none. Whis for one true friend to cry on their shoulder, and find none. Remember God's dealings within my own life. I always seem to walk away or the thief comes and takes my hope in the night? I don't know where it goes.? Yet find it gone all the same. Your dead, and gone, and I search for God to ease my pain. Finding myself alone in this white bleak, frozen waist land all alone...cold as stone. Cracked within! Is it because of my sin's? Is there no redemption for me? God, my long do I have to plead? My throat is dry from my tears! My ears are deaf from Your silence! To whom do I turn? Where shall I search? I have sought Your face within...only to find this pain that won't end. You say the kingdom of God is within? Yet all I find is ruins and rubble with no end! Oh Lord, where are You in my sin? I am left alone it seems till my end.
I know, I hope this won't be the end? The endless called a sin? Yet that seems all I am. Oh Lord...please...oh please...come to my rescue in truth, in light, in love....please end my plight? Can I sleep this night, any night?



Spouse, Partner Loss / Computer may be on last leg,
« on: December 20, 2012, 02:22:05 PM »
((((((((((((((((((((Hugs to all)))))))))))))))))

Just a heads up to everyone. Our computer maybe on it's last leg so if you don't hear from me I hope you won't think the worst. I am having a really hard time, maybe because it's the holidays. I finally was able to get a hold of my godmother, so she's try to do her part, god bless her. Yet if this thing does down all our communication comes to a screeching halt for who knows how long it will be before we can replace it.

Peace to all~Rodney~

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: A strange conversation...
« on: December 17, 2012, 03:43:21 AM »

I thank all of you for reading a crazy mans ramblings.
Chris, I am overjoyed that it helped you in some way.
I would be honored if you printed it, and it is useful in some way to you....thank you.
I have to say the journal keeping has helped from time to time. Besides all of you here it is my only friend so far. And that is in some strange way ok for now.
Thank you all again. ~Rodney~

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Triggers ?
« on: December 17, 2012, 03:32:15 AM »
I do apologize for taking so long to respond yet had to sort somethings out Well that's going to take a lot longer than a few days...probably the rest of my life. So about what I said above; yes it hurts me deeply, and I am working or leaning toward forgiveness as opposed to vengeance. Which I have considered yet I know I don't want to hurt anyone for any reason. I know I seek justice, yet am not God so do not know what justice is. And the whole "God" thing is a whole topic in and of itself. I am still with the roommate, and hopefully can bear this out till spring. I know that sounds bad yet don't know what else to do right now. If I had somewhere else to go I'd be gone, yet this is the best I have, and yes it's a roof over my head which means a lot. In the last week I've had to do a lot of soul searching which is hard stuff for me yet needs to be done if I am going to make it through this.
I have another topic I would like to start concerning the "God" issue.


Thank you~Rodney~

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: LETS DANCE
« on: December 07, 2012, 11:52:22 PM »
Thank you Lisa. 

                  That was so cool!


Spouse, Partner Loss / Triggers ?
« on: December 07, 2012, 11:40:23 PM »
I really hate to say this yet have nowhere else to vent. It started out actually to be a day where I could actually think a little clear, and then went to shit with one interaction with my roommate. This made me ask myself "what is it that is bothering me so?" except the obvious of Jennifer being gone. What it comes down to is I feel like Jennifer's kids stole from me the recognition of being the one man in their mom's life that loved her no matter what. Through thick & thin. In sickness & in health till death do us part. No matter what I did what ever I had to do..what needed to be done I did it. Like two summers ago I had to make a choice of taking care of my wife full time because no one else was there to do it or go out and find a job because no one was going to pay our bills as they said they would so I could be home to care for mom. This meant leaving my wife alone most of the day, and no one checking on her while I was gone, and they could have. So I went out in hundred degree heat in Texas and found a job. I walked two miles in this heat for three months, and finally had to give it up to care for my wife. I feel like I was used by the kids until it was all over & then thrown away like trash. Where this comes into the roommate issue is she wanted to blame me for her dog being sick. What struck me was she talks to and about everyone like that so it's not me. Even her kids she talks to like this...again not me. So I was pissed yet didn't say anything just went out side and asked myself what was going on with me that I feel like a piece of shit when I shouldn't feel bad about what I have done. Thats when the kids came to mind. Now mind you that I love the kids or else it wouldn't hurt so bad. And the being called grandpa and hearing the feelings in that I really miss, and that was stolen from me by their parents who by the way are hospice nurse's...go figure. On top of all that it keeps hitting me that we/I lost everything we accumulated over the years. All the keep sakes, letters written to each other over the years when we were apart. The stupid dancing bear she got me for valentines day last year. By the way when Jennifer died I cried over that little bear. A blanket she inherited from Regina that Regina's mom made. She called it her little binky. Also the bible I got her when she was confirmed one of her daughters took and won't give back. It's all so fucked up & I can't fix any of it & it just eats at me. I know it's all just stuff, yet it's stuff I can never replace ever. I don't want to have a resentment or be angry. I don't have time for that or want to feel this way. I want my slate clean because I know how important that is. I have seen two women face their deaths and that was all that mattered was cleaning their slates as best they could. They taught me that. I'm starting to ramble I think, yet hope this makes sense. Thanks for reading. I do know that what really matters is what I did for my wives, between them and I is all that really matters, but the kids didn't have to be so cruel. Sometimes I feel like I should just pack up what I have left, two bags of stuff and walk on down the road. For how would really one...I know this from spending two months on the streets after the kids through me out on the streets. People drive by you & don't even care to know how the hell you got there or even if you want help getting out.  Now I'm done. Thank you. ~Rodney~

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