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Messages - mnjenzim

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Main / Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 20, 2010, 01:17:01 PM »
Thanks Lauren! I really appreciate your insight!

The weekend was REALLY good! We took a day trip on Saturday over a pass that was not fit for much more than ATV's, but if the Winnebago we saw could get up there, then we could too, in our little jeep! We had a lot of laughter, which felt so good! We couldn't help but laugh after being tossed around so much on this rugged road! Our son was with us and didn't find it quite as amusing, but that's ok!

I don't mind at all that you ask where I live! :) We live in Colorado. How about you (if you don't mind me asking).

I'm still feeling good, but being cautiously optimistic. I'm trying to enjoy the peace I have right now, but I never know what's around the corner! I guess that's life in a nutshell, huh?!

Take care!

Main / Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 17, 2010, 10:00:24 AM »
Hi Lauren, thank you so much for thinking of me and for your posts. The days since my last post have been very up and down (very down!). Thankfully, they're more up now than down. I realized that I just had a lot of things surfacing that I had to face. So combined with missing and grieving for the absence of my family was anger towards my dad for never having been there. Lots of stuff!! My husband and I really had a lot to come to terms with. I had to try to rise above what I was going through to accept and understand that he was going through his own version of all this, simply because I'm his wife and he's going to go through things right along with me, but in a different way and for different reasons. He had to come to terms with the fact that this was a part of our life that we couldn't do anything about. I think at first he felt overwhelmed by emotions and innocently wished it would all go away. I can't blame him, I wanted everything to go away, too. But the grief I have for my Mom/family and feelings of abandonment from my dad are real. It's sad to me how many of these things we go through really deplete our self-esteem, confidence, certainly doesn't help the process, that's for sure! My husband and I had a long talk the other night and he said a lot of things that really helped me see the good in myself. He also helped me see the value in who I am without my dad vs. if he were a part of my life. I wrote some things down to my Mom and to my dad. It helped "telling" both my Mom and my dad how I felt about them. The messages were VERY different! Writing has helped a lot along with this site. So I have been feeling good for the past couple of days and am looking forward to the weekend with my boys (husband and son). We're going to take a day trip tomorrow into the mountains. :)  My hope is that I was in much need of a release of a lot of emotions that had been building towards this point. I by no means think I'm out of the woods, but am just feeling good right now.

Lauren, I really feel your words and just the time you have taken to post responses have really spoken to me. I really appreciate your words, thoughts and time. I have read your posts over and will continue to do so. I'm so grateful to have found this site!

How are you doing, Lauren?

Main / Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 10, 2010, 10:20:08 AM »
Today is a very grim day. While a lot of things came out last night, my husband is trying to find other reasons for what I'm going through instead of just letting this grief be what it is. I found some resources for him to read so he could get some insight into what someone grieving goes through. I was particularly hoping he would hone in on how those of us grieving may lash out at those we love the most. I'm not looking for excuses or justification for my actions, but I want him to understand where it's coming from. He said he feels like our recent conflicts have driven a wedge between us and I'm antagonizing him. I tried to do a lot of explaining last night and he did a lot of listening. He said he appreciated our conversation, and that all he asks is that I see things from where he is. To be honest, that hurt. I broke down last night and probably expressed anger for the very first time (2 1/2 years later!). I just kept saying (yelling) that I wanted my family back!!!! I didn't even get a hug. If I didn't initiate a hug later on in the evening, I'm not sure I ever would have gotten one. I'm not trying to turn this into a marriage issue and he really is a wonderful husband. I know this has to be difficult and confusing for him, too, but I just feel like he's being selfish right now. I need him so much! I know he's going through a lot of stress at work (he just loathes his job!), so I know this is bad timing for us both to be going through so much. I'm at a point where I just feel like completely withdrawing and being by myself. He said he just thinks I miss people (as I mentioned in an earlier post, we don't live anywhere near family or our closest friends). I told him the only people I miss aren't here anymore!!!!!!!!! My Mom and my Grandma were it!!!!

Lauren, I did the exercise that you recommended last night. I only needed one line. God was on one side and my husband was on the other. It's not that I don't have friends that I can talk to. They just have their own things going on (i.e. everyone I know is pregnant!!!). It's hard not to feel like a burden, especially to those who have never experienced loss. I talk to one of my aunts. She lost my mom and her husband in the same year. But even our time is cut short from being able to talk for various reasons.

I'm going to be starting teaching religious education to 1st graders next week. My son will be in my class. My Mom's two biggest passions in life were God and children. I'm hoping this will help me feel connected to her.

I'm sorry for all the rambling. I helps to get it out. But I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to be around my husband right now. I feel like he's just observing, waiting for me to blow and is prepared to take it personally when I do!!

It's interesting how I'm sitting here at my desk and I literally feel like I should be putting my seat belt on!!!!!!

Thank you once more for listening.

Main / Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 09, 2010, 01:39:51 PM »
First, I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to those who have posted. It truly offers comfort to have support and understanding out there!

Lauren, I will come back to post the significance of your post as it relates to some amazing things that I've experienced over the past week! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

Right now, however, I feel like I'm in a bit of a crisis!!! Before I realized I was still grieving and didn't realize it, I was very emotional. A lot seemed to leak out here and there before the flood gates opened last Friday and I finally figured out what I was going through. The problem I'm having now is sorting through all of these emotions!! I don't know how to deal with the loneliness I've been feeling. Everything I do seems to be dictated by emotions. I end up doubting most things I do or say and my confidence is completely shot!!! I have found myself trying to immerse myself in my husband's life...every aspect of it!! He's a wonderful, loving and supportive husband and is really trying to just be there for me as I try to figure this out, but at the same time, this is causing problems between us! If we're home in the evenings and he's doing something that doesn't involve me (unless it's with our son), I feel...I don't even know!!! I want his attention, his focus, everything!! I feel like my needs that can no longer be filled by my Mom are now his to meet. That shouldn't be! As an only child, I've always been used to a lot of attention, even as an adult, until my Mom passed away. It's definitely a part of being an only child that I hate!! I feel such a void from no longer having this attention from my's like no other you can get. A Mom is interested in your day in a way no one else is. And a Mom is proud of everything you do like no one else is! I feel like I'm trying to fill that void or replace it with my husband. That's not fair or right! And then there's communication. I'm so lost and confused I have no idea how to communicate!! Everything is so dictated by so many emotions I can't even identify, that we end up fighting. He's confused and frustrated and so am I!! We didn't sleep in the same room last night. :( We plan to have a big talk tonight. I've written a lot of things down to prepare so I'm not a big mangled mess.

Is this common? For all these emotions associated with grieving to impact relationships...the way you communicate, your perception of things around you? I feel desperate...desperate to fix me, to fix us, to not feel lost, alone and confused with so much fear of my own emotions and what I'll do with them.

I could probably go on a lot longer. Please share your thoughts with me. I could so use it right now!

Thank you,

Main / Re: Adult Orphan
« on: September 07, 2010, 01:10:47 PM »
CindyM, I SOOO know what you mean losing your parents at an early age. I am an only child. My Mom was my only parent. She died February 11, 2008 at the age of 59. I was 35. I feel like a lost child. An orphan. You're so right when you say that there is no one to be proud of us. Undoubtedly they are, but they're not here to tell us. I thought I was done grieving, for the most part. Then recently, so much emotion has surfaced, I didn't even know what it was until it hit me like a ton of bricks! Grief can be hard to recognize and it's hard to know what to do to get through it. I think a lot of people have a hard time asking how we're doing. And if they do, they're not sure how to respond or help.

Like yours, my Mom had congestive heart failure and diabetes. There was such a struggle between her heart and her kidneys. The last time she went into the hospital, it was for a kidney infection. The day she died they were going to test for kidney stones. But because they had put so much fluid into her body for her kidneys, her heart couldn't handle it and she had a heart attack. There is such an emptiness in life without her. And not having any siblings, it's even harder. That feeling of being alone is crushing sometimes! I try to do things that help me feel connected to her, but it's very much not the same. The holidays aren't the same and this holiday season will be the 3rd without her. Somehow I think this might be the hardest. We'll see. I have no one to talk to who would understand. I would love to hear from you and to know if you have brothers & sisters or if you're an only child. Either way, our stories are similar and it helped me reading yours, so thank you for putting it out there.

Take care of yourself. You're not alone!

Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: September 07, 2010, 12:10:21 PM »
Denver, Colorado!

Main / I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 07, 2010, 10:43:45 AM »
My post may be a little different than a lot on here. I don't have a really recent loss to speak of. It's been over 2 years since my Mom past away. I am 38 years old with no brothers or sisters. I never knew my dad. It was always my Mom and I. I was also close to my Grandma, who passed away in 2004. Recently I discovered that, contrary to what I thought, I was still very much in the grieving process. I think as adults, we get busy in daily life and sometimes in order to function, we force our grieving or pretend it isn't there. Sometimes it just feels easier. Dealing with the emotions of grief can feel downright crippling or suffocating! Sometimes we just need a break from it!

My Mom passed away unexpectedly on February 11, 2008. She was 59. I would say I went through the normal stages of grief through 2008, but recently some things have surfaced. I have been terribly emotional, insecure and just all over the board. I thought it was work stress, anxiety, hormones. At times I worried I was literally losing my mind!

The other day I came to realize that what had been causing all this was actually grief. I had unresolved issues from missing my Mom and from being left behind as the only child. Even at 38, I feel like a orphaned child. I feel like I'm on a family tree, with on one above me and no one around me. I have a wonderful husband of 15 years and a beautiful 6 yr. old son. I don't at all discount their value and presence in my life. But no longer does my life have a source here on earth. I don't have anyone to share memories with, no one to tell me about the day I was born or when I lost my first tooth. I feel like I'm floating in space somewhere. I know I'm not alone in my life, but I feel alone...partly because I'm it. I don't have any immediate family that's been there since the beginning or even close to it. I also feel alone because I don't know anyone who is an only child. I can't relate to anyone. It's terribly difficult. And it doesn't help that I live 1000 miles away from what family I do have (aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws,  etc.). We moved away after my son was born. My Mom moved with us. She gave us so much and was my son's first best friend! I think to make it easier on myself I stopped talking to her without realizing. That just made me miss her more. Who will I watch old movies with and make Thanksgiving dinner with? Who will I even reminisce with about the times when we did those things? I hate the idea of having to deal with this pain. But I guess I have no choice. How do we get to a point when we can freely keep our loved ones' memories alive without pain, without doubt or question of their continued presence in our lives? Is there such a thing? How does an only child do this?

I would love to hear from anyone out there...only child or not.
Thank you for "listening."

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