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Messages - mshaynes

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1
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Cruel Irony
« on: December 16, 2013, 08:10:41 PM »
Thanks, Terry. Robbie, I wish you peace. What you are feeling now is all too familiar to everyone on this board. The dues for admission to this club are the highest we'll ever pay. But there is comfort to be had here, and understanding, and acceptance. There is also great learning available here. Many universal truths are expressed and shared here. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. If a chance for a smile or laugh comes along, take it. And please try to believe, as hard as it may seem now, that there will be a better tomorrow. God Bless You!

2
Spouse, Partner Loss / Cruel Irony
« on: December 14, 2013, 04:28:31 PM »
Some time back, my father purchased an engraved brick which was installed in the memorial walkway on the grounds of the hospice that cared for Eden. I went there today, and briefly contemplated one of life's cruel ironies.

My experiences during Eden's long illness and since her death have irrevocably changed me. Believe it not, most of those changes have been for the better. Don't misunderstand me - I am lonely without her. There is never a day that I don't long for her smile, her laugh, her touch, her smell, her hugs and kisses, just her presence in the same room. But, because of her sickness, her death, and her absence, I have changed.

I am a better person than I once was. I am more patient. I am more generous. I am more understanding, compassionate, and way more sensitive. Because I cared so poorly for myself while I cared for her, I am in better health now. I feel better and look better.

I am forever changed in many good ways. Eden made me a better person in life. And she's made me a better person in death. How I wish I could share the new me with her.

A cruel irony.

-----

It has been a long time since I last posted here. This board was instrumental in my grief healing process. But as you all know, that healing is an ongoing process. I wish everyone a blessed Christmas season. Hang on to whoever and whatever helps get you through this difficult time. For me, it is channeling my energy into providing the best holiday I can for my grandson.

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / There IS Hope for a Brighter Tomorrow
« on: April 12, 2013, 10:29:21 AM »
It has been a long time since I visited this board. I first signed on when I was in great pain, and in a dark and lonely place. I was stuck at home, not working, or playing, or doing much of anything. I was in a fog and on auto pilot, going through the motions and feeling nothing but pain.

This board was one of several things that gave me hope. From reading the posts here, and sharing my own, I learned that I wasn't nuts. I was, in fact, very painfully normal. I was (and am) grieving a huge loss, and was (and am) going through a process that would forever change me.

I am more compassionate, more empathetic, more sensitive, understanding, forgiving, patient, quiet, kind, and giving. I am a different person, a better person, but a person with a hole that will never be filled again.

Part of me is gone. Eden and I were ONE. Now it's just me, and my better part is gone. All I can do is to keep on keeping on, trying to be as good and kind and loving as she was.

I am at peace. Eden passed 15 months ago. I've been through every holiday and anniversary. Most were hard, some were horrible, but I got through them. I can drive on the roads I used to avoid; eat the foods that used to make me cry. I can look at her pictures and smile instead of cry.

I still burn a candle for Eden every day. I still say the rosary for her, but I let her say all the "Amen's", just like she did when she was alive. For in some ways, she is still alive. Those of you who are in a similar place on your grief journey know what I mean. Those that aren't here yet - take heart... YOU WILL FIND PEACE.

There IS Hope for a Brighter Tomorrow.

Pray. Read grief books. Join a support group. Cry. Share your stories with anyone who will listen. Listen to others' grief stories. Sleep. Take naps. Go for walks. Buy little gifts for the one you lost. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

There IS Hope for a Brighter Tomorrow.

I wish you all blessings, peace, and happiness. Thanks for being here when I needed you. Thanks for being here now. :)

4
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Update
« on: April 12, 2013, 10:10:44 AM »
(((Jason)))

Thanks for sharing. I signed on today in order to make a post very similar to yours. (See separate post called "There IS Hope for a Brighter Tomorrow"). Yes, you have grown and been forever changed, and still are connected to Jen, and forever will be. As you said, these changes don't come easy, or quick. But you got there, and you will continue to grow and heal.

I wish you many blessings, peace, and happiness.

5
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: New Year
« on: January 03, 2013, 01:20:24 AM »
Dare I say I am in love again. Liz makes me happy.

Wow. To love again. To be happy again. Wow. Embrace that.

6
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: My New Year
« on: January 03, 2013, 01:10:51 AM »
What a great attitude and sense of purpose and wonder! I, too, am learning you can be sad and lonely and still hope to run into something fun and new around the next corner. I'm praying for good things for you, Jean.

7
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: I really WANT to get better
« on: January 03, 2013, 01:05:11 AM »
Thanks Terry, Lisa, Rose, John. You made me remember why I used to spend time here. This place - no, you people - offer understanding and acceptance impossible to find outside of a support group. Sometimes you need to vent and know that someone else gets it, and can share your burden.

We have all said a lot about how special our spouses were. But you know what? Our spouses had some some pretty special spouses, too - You!

8
Spouse, Partner Loss / I really WANT to get better
« on: January 02, 2013, 02:47:09 PM »
I'm closing in on a year since Eden died. Initially, I thought it would get better with time. But I've learned that what I've read here and elsewhere is true. It does not get better. It just gets different.

And God how I wish it would get better. I've grieved silently and out loud. I've grieved alone and with friends and with family and with strangers. I've shared my grief and hidden my grief. I've wiped my tears and let them flow. I've prayed and I've cussed. I've slept late and stayed up all night. I've shopped, cooked, eaten, and journaled and video gamed and watched movies and read and sat in the corner all alone and warmed more pews than I can count.

And you know what? Nothing works.

I miss her. I love her. I'll never get better. I will always hurt.

So, happy friggin' new year. Maybe, just maybe, this one will suck just a little less. At least I won't have to watch her die... Well, that's not true. I'm still replaying that over and over in my head... Criminy!

Praying for peace of mind and spirit...

(psst... I come here when it hurts... I should come and share my good moments, too)

9
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: TOMORROW
« on: January 02, 2013, 02:33:46 PM »
(((Lisa)))

Saying a prayer for you. I understand how grateful you are for the support that you DO have, while wishing and aching for the support that you CAN'T have. I feel the same way. It sucks.

10
Spouse, Partner Loss / glad it's over
« on: December 30, 2012, 06:31:36 PM »
I was pro-active in holiday planning, and managed to include Eden's memory in most everything I and my family did. We scattered some ashes at the old home site; filled cremation pendants; hung favorite pictures; said a candle tribute prayer and recited a "We Remember Them" poem. There was a memorial service put on by the hospice, even. It was busy and mostly enjoyable. It probably could not have gone better. [Much of this stuff is documented on my blog @ http://mshaynes.posterous.com/.]

BUT DAMN... IT WAS HARD.

Tears fell often and unexpectedly. At church. In the car. At work. Over dinner. Because the one inescapable truth is that my wife is dead, and it's Christmas, and she'll never share Christmas with me again, and it sucks and it hurts.

Period. I'm glad it's over. If it weren't for my grandson, I'd just as soon have skipped it!

Eden, my love, my honey ko, we'll share Christmas in heaven one day. Until then, it will be painful and lonely.

11
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Two Words
« on: October 26, 2012, 09:27:30 PM »
thanks, jason

12
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: TEARS / ANIEXITY
« on: October 25, 2012, 01:16:43 PM »
(((Lisa)))

When the tears come, let 'em flow. We can't control how other people treat us; only how we respond. So, steer clear when you can, and cry when you need to. I've been holding back the tears for months, and only recently let them go. It's no fun. But it's too hard to hold it in. Those tears have to come out.

13
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Well, I did it ...
« on: October 25, 2012, 01:10:14 PM »
(((John)))

Wow. Being able to allow yourself to date sounds huge to me. I and a lady from a grief group are considering having a cup of coffee after a session one day. That would be far from a date, but still a big deal to me. I haven't done it yet, or even got past thinking about it, but it makes me nervous. But heck, I could use a friend.

I wish you well, John. Have fun.

14
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Two Words
« on: October 25, 2012, 01:01:24 PM »
mark - just wanted to check in with you.  :angel11:

Thanks for checking in. I sometimes feel I'm going backward. I'm better in some ways, but worse in others. I'm sleepy a lot. But that is partly probably due to a new job. I have no energy. I don't care if my house is messy. Almost nothing seems "right" to me.

Yes, I know this is all "normal." But that does not make it hurt less, or suck less.

I've been to counseling, and group sessions, read books and devotionals. And though that helps some, at the moment, it seems of little long term help, as it changes nothing.

I was thinking about 'denial.' What does that mean, anyway? I do not deny that my wife is dead. How can I? She's gone. Hell, that's the basis of my pain. So, what is 'denial.' And further, what is 'acceptance.' We do not have the option of accepting our loved one's death. It is forced upon us.

If what is meant is that I refuse to want a 'new normal' (denial), and hold on to the past and wish futilely to have my old life back (not acceptance), then I'm stuck in both.

15
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Two Words
« on: October 22, 2012, 06:29:22 PM »
Thanks for the feedback, hugs, and suggestions. Glad to have this board for support on the hard days. I'm doing better over all, so when a down turn comes, the pain is fresh again. That will be hard to adjust to. But my grief is now part of me. Forever, I guess.

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