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Messages - arlah

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Main / Re: Losing My Father
« on: March 26, 2010, 11:45:33 AM »
Hi Daraz,

Iím so sorry for your loss. My dadís recent death prompted me to join this forum as well. He passed away suddenly on February 27, 2010, meaning that tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of his death.

Iím really struggling to manage these days. My father had been complaining of an upset stomach and flu-like symptoms for a few days before the Saturday morning I got the phone call from my mother telling me that he had fainted at home and that the paramedics were working on him. I live about an hourís drive away from my parents, but left immediately. I prayed that everything would be fine, but knew in my heart and in my head that he was not going to be okay. For that hour drive, I held my cellphone in my hand, waiting for my motherís call to let me know what hospital they were at. The call never came, so when I pulled up to the house and saw the ambulance and three police cars, I knew he was gone. The coroner suspects that it was a massive heart attack. He was just getting his coat out of the closet to go to the emergency room when it happened.

My father and I share an odd sense of humor, and he was one of the few people in this world who ďgotĒ me 100%. He was the parent with whom I was most connected. I am an only child and I miss him terribly. It hurts a lot to know that I didnít get to say goodbye to him. He was my best teacher for 33 years, and thereís still so much that I donít know. I find it difficult to put into words everything that he meant to me.

I taught a university course on death and dying for 5 years, so Iím well aware of the literature, research, etc. I have read and own books by Therese Rando and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. On an intellectual level, I fully understand that what I am experiencing is normal and necessary, but that doesnít stop me from thinking, ďMy dad was my best friend. No one can understand what Iím going through. My loss isnít like anyone elseís.Ē When I catch myself thinking like that, I try to be more rational because I donít want to isolate myself from people around me and the support that they can offer me.

Iíve cried every day since his death. My mother experiences her grief in a totally different way, and tends to close herself off, keeping it all in. Iíve asked her permission to talk about Dad when I need to, but Iím still hesitant to do that. Iím really afraid that this is going to separate us even more than we already are.

So, I guess I just wanted to let you know that youíre not alone. My grief may not be exactly like yours, but Iím working through something similar and if you ever want to chat, Iím here and willing.

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