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Messages - teppuM999

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Main / 6 months
« on: December 30, 2009, 08:21:50 AM »
dunno if you guys remember me, i used to post here for a while then i wandered away.
but dec. 5 made six months since my boyfriend drowned.
i honestly didnt believe i would make it to this point, however it isn't anything i'm really celebrating.
things here aren't any better. we've been locked down by snow which makes me miss him even more.
last winter we did llots of sledding and snow blowing together.

anyway... just wanted to reintroduce myself, i guess.

Main / Re: Dream
« on: October 02, 2009, 05:36:16 AM »
that does sound like a disturbing dream.

i believe we have both inside and outside dreams, sometimes it's hard figuring out which kind you're having.

but i do hope that this dream will go away. or you can come to understand it. but certainly i hope you get some much nicer ones...

Main / Re: My Niece
« on: October 02, 2009, 05:33:31 AM »
very sorry about your neice.
only 18, that is so sad
hugs to you

Main / Re: change of seasons
« on: October 02, 2009, 05:32:44 AM »
yep, i've been noticing it.
i see leaves turning yellow, falling from trees, fog in the mornings, cold rains, and i wonder what's going on because mentally, i'm still stuck in june.
matthew died in june. we had just gotten our garden going, sumer was starting, things were going so wonderfully well. a house and kids of our own right around the corner and then...

...the cold weather should mean sleeping in together, snuggling, hot cocoa and staying indoors in each other's company. the weather is finally starting to reflect the way i feel inside, though, which in a way brings its own bizarre comfort. sunny days were like a joke to me.

Main / Re: Accepting the Unacceptable
« on: October 02, 2009, 05:28:44 AM »
i wonder this sometimes myself. people say that it will take time, but how much? sometimes i worry that i won't make it. sometimes i worry that i don't WANT to make it.
it's almost 4 months since matthew died, and i agree wih missing someone who you could trust absolutely. i've nevr had that before and i know i probably won't again.
it just calls the value of the rest of my life into question, i dunno.

but i do wonder if it is one of thos e things where you just wake up and realise you aren't sad anymore? i dunno how it works

Main / Re: Our Kevin has died
« on: October 02, 2009, 05:16:03 AM »
sending good thoughts to kevin and his family.
i am glad that, atleast, he's with his wife again.
sad news :( he was always such a nice guy...

Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: September 22, 2009, 03:18:05 PM »
good to hear, socal
that's bordering on the miraculous

Main / Re: Is crying really as healing as people say?
« on: September 09, 2009, 09:27:58 PM »
i dont know if crying helps or not. echoing cokie, everything makes me cry and i just want to stop. doesn't seem like i can
i want to be one of those people who can focus on the good that matthew did, but i can't.
sometimes i feel "pressure" and crying helps alleviate it if i just let it go, but then other times, if i'm panicking, crying just exacerbates it.
matthew always felt bad if he heard me crying.

Main / Re: can't sleep
« on: September 02, 2009, 10:26:19 AM »
some people have had luck with melatonin spray (? melatonin, right?)
matthew used to use it when he was up too late

i have no tried sleeping pills because i honestly think i can't be trusted with them at the moment.

Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 02, 2009, 10:25:26 AM » is a site where you an organize various meetup groups for a variety of purposes. there are vegetarian ones, bellydance ones, grief ones apparently, ones for writers, artists, etc. meetup is pretty cool.

i can be very cynical towards churches because of my experiences with them in my past. sometiems i feel like a grief group would be a pretty ripe place to gather new believers -- when you're at your lowest point, suck you in with some version of hope, or the idea that God is your only way to communicate with your loved one
i mean no offense to ppl here who are christian -- this is just coming from a person who once visited a church where CREDIT CARDS were accepted for offering, and the pastor drove a Hummer, while old ladies battled the snow to get there on the bus.

then sometimes i think maybe that's honestly all they're trying to do -- offer you hope that they feel is real. hope that has gotten THEM through trying times in their lives.. sometimes they might be overly enthusiastic and push the real issue aside, i.e. the grief, in order to push their message

you should always feel comfortable leaving a group , no matter what the focus of the group is, to find one that you fit into better.

Main / Re: Mom has cancer
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:56:40 AM »
very sorry about your mom :(

Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:56:04 AM »
i wasn't saying she should give the flag back, i was merely trying to offer another perspective.
grief makes everyone lose perspective sometimes.
perhaps having a talk with the daughter would help her to understand that you're not "taking" the flag away

it may not be that the mom is influencing the kid, the kid may have said something to the mom, feeling like her mom could take care of it for her.

nobody knows what anyone's real motives are. it's generally best not to assume.

Main / Re: Miscellaneous...
« on: September 02, 2009, 08:51:23 AM »
in agreement with you guys on grief groups and funerals...

we had a memorial service for matthew down by the bridge where he drowned. there were glow bracelets, bellydancers and balloon rockets, all things he loved, his brother had a life-sized standee made from a picture of him, people spoke about him and how he affected them, there was singing, his brother played "shout it outloud" by kiss on his guitar -- last song they performed together.
THAT was the real service for matthew, i think. that was where i felt like he was standing on top of the bridge pylons, looking down and watching. bats were flying around the bridge, and he loved bats. we were going to build a bat house for the garden.
so many people from all different paths of life -- ppl with office jobs, ppl with no jobs, people of all sorts of races and ages, matthew affected so many people in such a positive way.

another funeral was held in his hometown, paid for by his grandfather, mostly for the older set of relatives who believed in a church funeral. matthew wasn't "religious" but he was spiritual. there was alot of scripture reading, BUT we all did get up and talk about him and his life, so it wasnt so bad

i have yet to go to a grief group BECAUSE they tend to focus so mcuh on religion and that's not what i want/need to talk abou. and they'll say "well god has aplan for your life," or "god must've needed him," neither of hwich really help right now. god could make anything he wanted, he didn't "need" to take matthew away from me.  i feel like church is the place for talking about religion, a grief group should be about GRIEF.

Main / Re: felt out of place and alone - and I knew alot of them!
« on: September 01, 2009, 03:28:07 PM »

It is hard to feel alone.  I know how I feel in my situation.  I've never felt like I belonged anywhere until I met my  soul-mate.  Now, I don't feel like I belong anywhere.  It's a very odd feeling.  No more rock to anchor me.  Some people are very social and feel connected on a lesser level to many people.  I am not one of those people.  I only shared my deepest self with my husband.

It's not the same I know, but, I do try to force myself to talk on a more intimate level with others sometimes.  Maybe this would help you too.  I don't know.  I just know it is so hard to face that this life we all knew and loved is over.  No going back, but for memories, and sometimes we don't really want to do that because it is so painful because we know we can't ever make any more memories.

I am praying for peace and healing for you.

can really feel this post.
it is very painful sometimes to think about things in the past, because there won't be any new memories...

matthew  was the only person i ever shared so many really deep things with. now i just feel like i'm floating.

Main / Re: new person-hurting alot
« on: September 01, 2009, 03:25:35 PM »
finding a purpose is hard, now.
i have no idea, i feel like i don't have one. no future, nothing.
honestly, i never really felt like i did. never felt like i'd live very long, that i would die early so nothing really mattered.
then with matthew, suddenly i wanted to live forever. we had a plan -- first time in my life i felt like there was a real plan, and a future.
now he's gone, and along with him, the future.

it's very hard to find anythign to believe in now. =p

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