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Messages - 1wabbit1

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Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: March 13, 2011, 04:00:37 PM »
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

I haven't been here in far too long.

Main / Re: It's been almost a year
« on: July 16, 2010, 10:49:54 PM »
Penny, I feel the same. I try not to listen to that song often, but sometimes it just draws me. I keep hoping that my Fred sent it to me.

I wrote about the daytime of the anniversary. I haven't been back to write what happened later. It was horrible. I thought I was stronger. I thought I had it under control for the most part. I was wrong. I started crying and couldn't stop. There is a long corridor with a wall of closets with sliding doors. They sometimes crackle. Kind of like someone was leaning on them. I never heard this while Fred was alive (or at least I never paid attention to it), so I've been imagining that it's Fred coming for a visit and letting me know he's momentarily here. I always say "hello Fred".

That night the crackling didn't stop for a long time. Crack! Pop! Crack! That set me off. I talked to Fred and told him how sorry I was for this and for that, spilling out the regrets I felt. Fred's and my life was all about never having regrets. Always saying what we wanted to say, never holding back. Love means never having to say I'm sorry, right? Well, even though we make it a point to never have to say "I'm sorry", I had tons to say "I'm sorry" for. Little things.

I'm not going to tell you that this little one sided conversation made me feel better. It didn't completely, but I'm glad I had a chance, since I didn't have a chance before he died. I didn't even know I had anything to say sorry for. Does any of this make sense?

Now, almost a week later, I'm feeling in charge again. I tear up every time I think of Fred, or every time I look at his  picture, but it doesn't end up a marathon of tears. The next event isn't until October, on Fred's birthday.

By the way, I never did any of the planned things. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm going to continue to plan. Our weather has been horrific this summer. It's been very cold and very windy and rainy. It's gives me a good excuse to put things off.

Sorry for the ramblings. My mind keep wondering and thoughts just scramble. Perhaps another day.

I hope you're all coping and seeing some sunlight on the horizon. There's got to be sunshine, somewhere.

Main / Re: Dear Lisa....One Year
« on: July 11, 2010, 01:27:09 PM »
Dear Sean,

Please allow me to express my most heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your lovely wife. I would also like to thank you for putting into beautiful words the feelings and thoughts that I, and many others, have experienced but are unable to articulate.

Like, you, I have just suffered through my first anniversary. It was not a happy day, but I it found much easier than I had anticipated. I went through the hardest day the day before.

I'm so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends who remembered the day and got me flowers and cards. It make the day special.

I raise my glass of water, and wish peace and fond memories for all of us. After all, memories are all we have now. Let's try for the good ones.

... Suz

Main / Re: It's been almost a year
« on: July 10, 2010, 11:46:33 AM »
Penny, Jannie and Karen. Thank you for your kind and wonderful words.

The anniversary date came and went. As for all other days.

Today is the 1st anniversary of Fred's death. Now, this is hard, but not as hard as I thought it might be. It's just another day, after all. I went to bed very late last night and got up extra early this morning. I didn't dream of Fred, not that I can remember anyway. I got dressed and decided that Fred wouldn't want me moping. He'd want me to go on with my life and do what I would be doing if he were still with me.

So, I gave a friend a ride to work, then went for a nice long walk with my dog, Brandy. It was nice to breath the cool, fresh morning air. I got some coffee and took the long route home. I cleaned the house and the whole time I could hear Fred telling me how I worked too hard. He'd always say that. So, I sat down and looked through some pictures, sent out some emails, listened to a song I found last year, that I'll share with you at the end. I cried, I raged, and I cried some more. I'm not done yet, and know the worst of the day is yet to come. I'm prepared.

Tomorrow I'm going to take a drive out to a place in the country that was special to us and will spread a tiny bit of his ashes, make some sort of memorial. A place I can visit when I need to be with Fred. Both our heart are in that place.

I hope you're all finding some peace, something to make you smile. It's so hard on all of us, and yes, no one that hasn't gone through this knows or can possibly understand.

Please listen to this song (read along with the lyrics). I'm hoping the words are true and that Fred is singing it for me. Perhaps your loved ones are singing it to you as well. Find some peace.


Main / Re: It's been almost a year
« on: June 26, 2010, 10:10:57 PM »
Penny, thank you for understanding. I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle tomorrow. I'm thinking that perhaps keeping busy might help make the day pass, but then I feel guilty for not celebrating. What is there to celebrate anyway? Fred isn't here to celebrate with me. Actually, we never did anything fancy. Just spent time together. I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to see how I'm feeling then.

I'm glad you're got something tangible planned for Monday. The three roses are such a beautiful way to remember your Fred. I'm sure your dogs also miss him, what a lovely tribute, the dogs, you and the roses.

I wish I had somewhere to go to visit Fred. we had talked about not being put in a cemetary. We both agreed on it. So, Fred is here with me in a lovely wooden box. BUT, it's not him. I know that in my heart, but I'm still wishing I had a special place to go to visit him. Pulling out the box just doesn't cut it.

Oh, darn it, I'm a mess. blubbering as I type nonsense.

OK, I'll try to share the story of Fred's visit.

I had sent some of Fred's ashes to his sisters and brother in Ontario. They made plans to meet at a lake where Fred had taught his much younger brother to fish. It had many wonderful memories for them all.

A few days after they released the ashes, one of Fred's sisters sent me pictures of the place were Fred's ashes were scattered.

That day, before I had gotten the email with the picture, I came home from work and sat down at my laptop. I looked down and saw what looked like a very skinny pretzel stick sitting in a row between the keys. I picked it up and looked at it. I didn't even have pretzels in the house. I couldn't remember having found one on the floor, or on the deck or in my pocket. If I had, I certainly wouldn't have  put in between the keys on the keyboard.

Then I remembered how Fred, in his last months had taken a cigarette that I doled out to him once a day and put it between the keys of the keyboard on his computer. (now I'm crying again)

I looked closer at that "pretzel" and discovered it wasn't a pretzel, it was a tiny twig, about 2" long. It broke in half while I turned it over and over.

Then the email came through. There were three pictures attached of the spot Fred's ashes were scattered. the place was a shore line of a lake, with tall grasses and short brushes. The bushes has very fine branches without leaves. It was late autumn.

All of a sudden it came to me. Fred was saying he was happy where he was, and he sent me a souvenier. I should be happy he communicated with me. Not many people have that opportunity. It isn't my imagination, and yet, I'm skeptical. I don't want to fully believe in case someone proves me wrong and I'd feel so disappointed.  Does that make sense?

I've got the twig, in two pieces, taped to a small card I had given Fred many years ago. It had a poem about soul-mates on it. He kept it close to him always, in his wallet.

Here is a picture my sister-in-law created for me. Fred was an expert on Raptors, loved nature, fishing, camping. This picture truly captures his essence.

This is where Fred's ashes are scattered.

MrsSantos, My heart aches for you and I'm so sorry for your loss and unconsolable grief.

Terry summed up perfectly what I would have said. Your mother still loves you, and always will.

I wish there was something wise I could say to make your pain go away, but I firmly believe that we need to acknowledge that pain, feeling it, absorbing it, for the pain to lessen in time.

There are so many wonderful people here that will help you through this. Don't stop coming. Talk about your mom, tell us your story, her story. It's so healing to release, to talk, to share.

I wish you a little bit of peace.

.... Suzanna

Main / Re: It's been almost a year
« on: June 25, 2010, 06:58:22 AM »
Thank  you Too Young to be a Widow for commenting. I'm so sorry for the loss of YOUR Fred. Your pain is so fresh, I wish you some peace.

I'm going to try to tell the story of Fred's visit in the next few days. I seem never to leave myself enough time to post it. I'll make a point.

I find I'm lacking energy these days. Seriously lacking. I came home yesterday from work and did nothing constructive. I hate not accomplishing something in the course of a day. I should know better not to get into that mode. I find at days end I' so much better if I can see accomplishments.

Sunday is our anniversary. I'd love to do something special, but don't know what. Any ideas? Should I do it alone? Should I include a good friend or family? I'm sitting here with tears welling in my eyes just thinking about it.

I'm sitting here thinking that I should be stronger that this. I should remember that Fred always wanted me to be happy, to do what I wanted to do to make it happen. Even now he wants me to go on.

Then when I have a good day, I feel guilty that I'm not crying. What a roller coaster this is.

One nagging thought I have that drives me crazy. Fred was married before, and I wonder if he's with is 1st wife now.

I have to run to work now. I'll come back later.

Main / Re: It is now a year
« on: June 20, 2010, 09:23:16 PM »

To try to keep this manageable, I'll leave out some not so important details.

After a month I went back to work. At first only a couple of hours a day, then a few more, until I was able to manage a whole day. I'd be able to hold the tears until I got home. Working was the best thing I could have done.

At night, I'd clean. I don't know why that was healing for me. I guess since I've always been anal about a clean house, it carried on to be my salvation. My friend called or visited almost daily. She didn't wait for me to call, as I know I wouldn't have. She just knew I needed her. As the weeks passed, our conversations became more "normal". We laughed, we cried, we talked about the weather. We went out for dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. We cooked together. What once was a casual friendship became a sisterhood.

One friend, who professed to be my "best friend" didn't even come to the get-together. If you can imagine, she emailed me the night of the gathering, after everyone had gone home, and said she'd gotten so caught up with her errands, she "forgot" all about it. No phone call, not card, no anything. Just a cold email.

**end of another vent**

I've since forgiven her. She probably just didn't know how to react. End of story.

In January I got a dog. I knew it wasn't wise to make such decisions for a year after a death, but I needed a companion. So, Brandy is now my new soul-mate. Fred would approve. She's a 4 pound Pomeranian. Fred so loved tiny dogs. He as a large man, and loved tiny dogs. It was so cute. We had had a miniature poodle that died the year before Fred did and we missed him so much.

So, now it's Brandy and I.

A turning point came when I bought a new sofa for Fred's room. I didn't plan to. I saw it while shopping for some furniture piece for my mom. I HAD to have it. It's a red leather lounger. Fred's old sofa had seen better days, so it was inevitable I'd have to get rid of it. It was one of the most painful things I've done since his death.

That sofa change brought on more changes in the room. After 5 months the transformation is complete. The only thing left is the desk (Fred lived the last few years of his life beside this desk, I'm never giving it away)

The most drastic change was taking Fred's picture off the wall. I had framed a series of three pictures in one glass frame. Now it's on the family wall in the hallway to the bedroom. I moved it because I couldn't stop crying every time I looked at it. I miss looking at it though and am thinking of putting it back. I don't care if it makes me cry.

Another day I'll tell the story about  how Fred visited me. I think the story deserves it's own post. Maybe some of you can interpret it for me.

Now I'm very tired and need to get ready for bed. Work tomorrow.

I want to thank all of you for listening. I needed to talk about all that's been happening. Needed to get some of it off my shoulders. You see, on the 27th of June would have been our 14th anniversary. Then July 10th will be the one year anniversary of his death. I'm so scared of how I'll handle those events.

I'll be back, and I'll try to be some support to others.


Main / It's been almost a year
« on: June 20, 2010, 08:55:48 PM »
Hello everyone. Last July 10th I lost my husband, Fred. When  his death was still fresh, I came here and the wonderful people knew just what to say to make me feel less alone in my grief and pain. They, like few in my life, understood how I was feeling. For the past 11 months I've been wallowing in self pity for the most part, and just not being help to anyone else. I came here, and still come, to read and learn and silently send up a prayer to give everyone a little bit of peace. I just haven't been able to take part. Maybe I'm ready now?

Please bear with me, while I relive some of those months since I was last here, and some history. I think I need to purge.

Fred had been suffering for years with emphysema and had been on 24/7 oxygen. We'd had several close calls where no one expected him to come home again from the hospital. Without going into detail, the Drs took him off the breathing machine and I  held his hand as he took his last breath. As I'm typing this I'm reliving it all over again. (tears)He was seriously sedated, so I'm not sure he heard me tell him how much I love  him and how I was giving him permission to finally rest. I hope he heard me.

Fred and I had many times talked about how he didn't want life support of any kind. It would only delay the inevitable. But all I wanted those last moments was to put that tube right back down his throat and have him with me just a few more minutes.

That was almost a year ago, but feels like only days, hours, minutes.

In this year I've gotten stronger, have tried to move on with my life, and on the outside appear to have succeeded. Inside, not quite. Every step I've taken forward I've had to FORCE. I took almost a month off from work. I'm lucky I have a job that permitted me to do that with full pay.

Fred and I had only been together 13 years. He had no children and I have 3 (with 4 grandkids). My grown children loved Fred more than their own father, and Fred had been better to them than the sperm donor (:-)

We didn't have a funeral, but did have a "get-together" a week later. A cousin came to spend that first week with me, and he was a God-send. He listened when I needed to talk and hugged me when I needed a hug. I also have a very dear friend who had lost her dad a couple of years earlier and was still suffering. She just instinctively knew what I needed. She came with me to pick up Fred's ashes.

A little about that....

I hadn't known that I had to identify Fred's body before they cremated him. I think that was the most eye-opening experience I've ever had. My friend came with me with a book and told me she would wait as long as she needed to. To take my time. I took about 3 minutes. What I found was NOT my Fred. It was an empty shell. It was so evident that Fred was no longer there. I had written a note and slipped it gingerly inside his shirt and walked out. I was so angry. Not that it wasn't Fred any more. I suspected that would happen, but it angered me to think how the Funeral Home put their hands in my pocket, took a bundle of money, convincing me that Fred would be in those ashes I was to pick up, and that every penny was worth knowing that Fred would be with me. They got me in the weakest moment.

When I went to get the ashes, they were busy with several other funerals/wakes they didn't even have a spare room or office or closet. They just handed me the ashes in the boxes I chose. Those boxes were in cloth shopping bags stamped with the funeral home's name. ADVERTISING!!!!

OK, thank you for letting me vent. I've waited a long time to do that. I hope I made sense.

After I came home from the hospital, after Fred's death, I immediately started emptying his closets. I don't know why. Something just drove me to do it. I had piles all over the house. Things to give to relatives, things to toss, things to keep. In just three days I was done. (ironically I still have the bags I was sending to relatives, can't seem to get myself to get rid of them, although they're still in the storage room.)

When I was done sorting clothes, I started cleaning the house. Top to bottom. Side to side. Fred's room stayed the same, but it was spotlessly clean. Nothing in drawers or cupboards was touched. All those things were too personal and I couldn't stand to part with anything. I touched things, smelled things, used things, cried over everything!

-to be continued-

Main / Re: Is crying really as healing as people say?
« on: September 06, 2009, 08:22:26 PM »
This is a very interesting thread. So many different ways to grieve, each of us do it in a different way and to a different degree.

In my earlier post, I don't think I said I didn't cry. I sure do, at the most unexpected times. Like this morning in the shower. Fred and I hadn't showered together for years (since we sold our house with the HUGE shower) but as I was about to finish, out of the blue I was sobbing, and I mean sobbing. I thought I'd never stop.

When I was done, I moved my thoughts to other things, like grabbing the hair towel, to wipe down the tiles, to putting the towels in the hamper, then to looking back to make sure the bathroom was tidy.

Then to walking out of the room, then to getting dressed, etc etc. In a short time I was over the threat of tears and went on with my day.

A couple of hours later, I was settling in on the sofa to have a nap and the tears started again. I let it go for a while, and willed myself to watch TV. It's later in the evening and I'm OK. I know that if I were to look up at Fred's face I'd be sliding down the same slope and gush of tears. I glanced, but didn't linger.

When I'm done with posting here, I'll get up and go do something, like take the trash out, sort some things I'm taking on vacation.

One thing that is scaring me and will be another milestone..... that's being at a vacation spot that Fred and I both loved and have been to a few times. It's an 8 hour drive and I'll be in the same resort, same room (if you can imagine). This time it won't be Fred there with me, but my mom. having mom with me (or a friend) will help me keep my mind occupied and somewhat away from tear producing thoughts... I hope. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm forcing myself to go through this, and I'm going to grow. I expect no less from myself, as I know Fred expect this of me also.

Main / Re: Is crying really as healing as people say?
« on: September 06, 2009, 02:58:14 PM »
I have to agree with Seven.

Speaking from my own experience, which is all we have to go by, I do much better if I try to hold back the tears, or at least not allow what ever brings on the tears to enter.

I find I cry when ever I look too deeply at the picture of Fred on the wall. It's right above the computer monitor, so it takes a concentrated effort to not look. I "glance" only. I also don't listen to music that could trigger the tears, or watch movies that would, or take long solitary drives.

I much prefer the person I am if I put some effort into not crying. Humour, smiles, a feeling of  happiness have a chance to enter.

I know that in time, I'll be able to live day by day without having to try so hard. But for now, I feel I MUST avoid the tears to be closer to the person I once was. Fred would want that. And so do my friends and family. On the 10th it will be two months since Fred died. It feel like years, instead on minutes. I think that's a good sign.

We all must do what we have to do to get through this. SoCal you do what you feel best for YOU. But try some of the options that others suggest. Your loved one would want you to.

Main / Re: Daily accomplishments
« on: August 14, 2009, 04:51:07 PM »
SoCal, I'm sorry, I didn't wish you a happy birthday. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, belated. This world is a better place because you were born. Don't you ever doubt that.

Let's see, what good happened today??????

- I woke up after 8 1/2 hours of sleep. That's the most I've had in ages and ages. I was tired initially but that passed in no time.

- I got tons done at work. I'm completely caught up on the work I missed while away for 3 weeks.

- My assistant was away sick today, and I was so glad. Sometimes she aggravates me. It was nice and quiet.

- The day isn't over yet, I'm  hoping to do something worthwhile before I go to bed.

- I'm amazed how I've bounced back. Not completely bounced back, but more than I thought I would. It was almost an overnight thing. One day I was crying all day, the next I was a contributing member of society.

- I didn't pull anyone down into the pits today... not one person.

I hope everyone has something good to say today. Next!

Main / Re: Weekends
« on: August 14, 2009, 04:42:59 PM »
I'm so sorry you have such a hard time on weekends. I was wondering if anyone did.

This has been my first, sort of, regular week, and I did not too badly. And I was looking forward to the weekend, but, when I walked in the house, I started crying. Now what? I can clean, I can do laundry, I can make plans for a few hours with friends, I AM babysitting my youngest grandchild, but what do I do with myself after that's all done?

I have a big, lovely penthouse suite in a highrise apartment, with a view to die for, but I don't really enjoy it without sharing it with Fred. I look out the huge patio doors and think "big deal". The loveliest sunset means nothing if I can't share it.

SoCal, I guess we just have to make the best of it. Keep busy as much as we can. Share our time with friends, maybe do something for someone that needs help. Maybe cook some meals ahead and freeze them? Bake something? I'm so not a baker, but I know of a few people that could use a cookie or two to cheer them up. Maybe I'll get into that. Maybe.

Then again, maybe I'll just sit around and mope. Nah, that doesn't sound  like fun at all.

Tell me what you're going to do?

Main / Re: sorta-family gathering
« on: August 14, 2009, 06:26:40 AM »
Maybe you could go and just make an appearance. No need to stay through to the end, unless you have a good time.

I know if put in the same predicament I'd be feeling exactly like you. Just force yourself. Give yourself a chance to experience and learn. You can leave any time.

I hope you have a positive experience, you can use some.

... Suz

Main / Re: Daily accomplishments
« on: August 14, 2009, 06:22:34 AM »

- Again woke up tired ( I've got to get more sleep)

- the day passed without incident, I didn't cry, not even once. Didn't even feel sad. Didn't get as much work done as the day before. but that's ok.

- came home, warmed up left overs, cleaned up, and had a bath. All before 7 PM. I took a Nytol and was asleep just after 9.

- woke up several times during the night, had dreams that I can't remember

Maybe I'm moving into my new normal?

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