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Messages - jsdaa

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1
Child Loss / Re: The Pain
« on: April 07, 2011, 07:10:42 AM »
Jamie,

I'm sorry for your constant struggle to see your precious Grandchildren. I was where you are at one time and all I can say is fight, fight, fight!!! They are worth it. You are worth it. Sarah's babies are so precious to you, I know, just as mine is to me.

I'm always here for you.

My Love,
Terry

Thankfully, I am able to see the two oldest.  The fight to see Lucas is so emotionally draining, there are days where I feel like it is taking everything out of me to proceed with the fight.  I'm still in the process of finding a good attorney.......that's a full-time job right there.  When I think about giving up, I think about Sarah and I on the phone, after she found out that she was having a boy.  She was reading a list from a baby book that she had.  When she said "Lucas", we both realized that would be perfect.  I think about how much she loved him and was so happy because he was such a good baby.  I had ten months with him and being his "Nana".  He has now just turned 3 and to not be a part of his life is devastating.  I have to fight!

2
Child Loss / Re: The Pain
« on: April 05, 2011, 08:54:02 AM »
Paula,

I spent the first year and a half after Sarah's death trying to take my life.  The pain was and is too great.  I am actually amazed that I am still here so I can only think that there is a reason.  I felt that I could be nothing to my surviving children but still felt the guilt of trying so many times to die.  My last attempt was last summer and I have not contemplated it since.  Don't get me wrong, if my time is today or tomorrow, I will welcome it with open arms.  I wondered so often how I could want to leave my other children and grandchildren and came to the conclusion that I can see and know that they are okay.  As much as I believe that Sarah is too, I can't see her or touch her and I miss her every second of every day. 

I am now in the midst of fighting for my grandson, Lucas. He is the youngest of Sarah's three surviving children.  She was divorced from the father of Adrienne and Jacob whom I am able to see whenever I want.  Lucas' father, the crazy person that he is informed me via text that I can not be a part of Lucas's life after we had made several attempts to see him.  It's just crazy....I had just had him Feb. 14th and all of a sudden out of nowhere, he decides that.  I think he is using again......anyway, it's given me a focus and a reason to fight and be here.  I DO NOT believe that everything happens for a reason but I am glad that I wasn't successful because I need to fight now for the life of my 3yr old grandson.

I am truly sorry for your pain.  Please, remember that you are not alone.  We all get it and care so much. Oh, and I so agree with your comment about crying in the other thread.  It doesn't help at all.

Love and Peace,
Jamie

3
Child Loss / Re: Lingering or delayed reactions
« on: April 04, 2011, 07:36:15 AM »
Paula,

I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my coping skills have been severely compromised.  The strong woman that I used to be no longer exists.  The smallest things trigger major anxiety and fear (fear of what, I don't know since nothing truly scares me anymore) and it can take me days to recover.  I am so tired and even though I need to be working at least part-time the thought of a job makes me cringe.  I always know that too many days in a row of being busy are going to catch up with me and affect me emotionally and physically.  It's like my brain just can't deal with anything, no matter how big or small.  Things don't process like they used too.  I am learning to expect it so I try to allow "time off" and do something that completely occupies my brain in a mindless way.  Of course, it's hard with the persistent crap going on all of the time and thoughts of my Sarah are ever present.  I wish I could be more help to you but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Love and Peace,
Jamie

4
Child Loss / Re: New,,, Please Help Me
« on: March 04, 2011, 08:24:16 AM »
Angela,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your little boy, Garrett.  We all understand the pain and the agony that you are in, only too well.  I think that many of us (myself included) have done things as a result of the emotions that we never wanted or expected to have to deal with in this life.  Please don't think you're crazy.  You're a mother who lost a child.  You've suffered the greatest loss.......one that no person should ever have to experience.

I understand the not knowing.  I was never given a reason for why my 28yr old daughter, Sarah, died.  Only maybe, probably or most likely.  Every parent should know why.  I have so much anger that I sometimes scare myself.  The guilt is never-ending.  It all just adds to the horrific pain.   

Please know that we are here for you and you can express things openly.  We all understand.

Love,
Jamie

5
Child Loss / Re: Wed six years ago
« on: February 20, 2011, 08:31:05 AM »
I though I'd share some of my experiences though I think I may have in the past.  After reading all of your posts, I've come to realize that mine are not so rare.

I no longer speak to my parents.  Specifically, my mom.  She has always been a cold, critical, negative mother and you would think losing her granddaughter, even though they weren't close, would impact her in some way.  Boy, was I wrong.......she had the nerve to criticize how some of the people who came to Sarah's funeral looked.  Really?  What grandmother who lost her granddaughter would even think about that?  She also said that the reason I was having such a hard time with Sarah's death was because I had always been too close to my children.  That was the final blow and I'm perfectly fine with my decision.

My four other children.....well let me just say, it's not been good.  My oldest daughter does not speak to anyone with the exception of my youngest daughter once in awhile.  My son and other daughter text me once in awhile but I see them maybe once a month or two, if that.  My youngest daughter, I see the most but and she is getting ready to move 12 hours away which makes me very sad.  This is not the family that we were and it has been so painful to now feel like we are non-existent.  I always wondered why some families come together and others fall apart.  I've decided that the closer you were, the harder you fall.  We are all reminders to each other of the loss of our Sarah and the pain is unbearable.  I have come to accept this now, though it has caused me so much additional pain.  We will never be the family that we were and could we become a new family someday....certainly.  I don't think that will happen.....

The devastating loss of our children is not all we lose.  The loss of our life, as we once knew it, ceases to exist, as well.  Relationships are no longer.   I have come to realize that most people will never understand, not only how completely and utterly we are shattered, but that our entire world has changed.  There are so few that I truly trust and my view of the world and mankind has completely changed.  This is my life and you are not alone.

Love,
Jamie

6
Child Loss / Re: (((Terry))) Jeff's Birthday
« on: February 20, 2011, 07:22:54 AM »
Terry,

So sorry to be late in wishing Jeff a Happy Birthday and I am so glad that you felt him there with you...... there is no place he would have rather been.

Love to you, Jeff and your dad,

Jamie

7
Child Loss / Re: 6 years ago today
« on: February 14, 2011, 08:19:14 AM »
Rebecca,

Thank God for this board because even though I don't post too much, I do read.  Where no one else understands the raw pain that continues to bombard us, we can freely express here and know that all is completely understood.  My heart goes out to you and may you feel your Jason's arms around you now and always.

Love,
Jamie

8
Child Loss / Re: My 17 year-old son died in accident hours ago.
« on: February 03, 2011, 01:16:18 PM »
Gary,

I am so sorry that you lost your son, Joe.  The pain of losing a child is the worst thing imaginable and you have definitely come to the right place.  There is no one that will understand like other parents who are suffering the same loss.  Everyone is here for you and things you may not express to others you can can say freely here.  We will all support you and your wife.

You are in my prayers,
Jamie

9
Child Loss / Re: PTSD
« on: February 03, 2011, 01:06:18 PM »
Reading my previous posts, I've decided that they have almost become my journal......my thoughts, emotion and experiences which I cannot express freely in my life are flowing out of my heart and soul.  I do not understand this life anymore.  I can only believe that any strength I have is coming from somewhere else.  I used to be such a strong person but now feel like a baby learning to walk though I fall more than I take steps. 

Paula, I am glad that you are having a better day today.  Thank you for your heartfelt message.  I have often wondered what I did wrong in this world to deserve losing a child as though I am being punished.  I have determined that I may not have done everything right but I did the absolute best that I could.  That is the one and only thing I know.  I just don't understand why any one of us should ever lose a child.  Love to you

Terry,
I love you.  Your strength is beyond comprehension.  You are such an inspiration and bring hope to the rest of us.  I know it is hard for you to see your father deteriorate but your love for him is everything and he knows it.

To everyone else, the choices that we were forced to make or were made for us are the worst.  At least for me.  I don't think I will ever be able to be at peace with my decision but once again, I have to live with that and nothing is going to bring her back.  Hugs to you, hugs to all of you.

10
Child Loss / Re: PTSD
« on: February 02, 2011, 11:44:25 AM »
Paula, I have to say that I feel the same as you.  I've been through my share over the years....though no childhood abuse...but some similar things.  Sarah's death has just brought me to my knees and as much as I struggle to exist, I see no way to make it through this life without her.  Don't get me wrong, but after a year and a half of trying to "check out", I know that's not an option.  As sick as it is to say, I can only hope that I don't have much time left here, no matter what the cause, it just can't be my decision.  

I have four other children and six grandchildren, 3 of them are Sarah's.  You would think this would make me want to live but it does not.  My family has been completely destroyed and feels non-existent.  I thought it would get better but it has only gotten worse in these two years.  I have little or no communication with my other 3 grandchildren because of this.  All of my efforts have been hopeless.  Sarah's 2 oldest are with their dad and he is clueless and his only concern is himself.  I do see them and Adrienne who is 10 now is a mess.  I fear for her future.  Sarah's ex will not do anything for this little girl who was so traumatized that morning.  I do what I can but she has so much anger and the influence that I had when Sarah was here is overshadowed by her dad and other grandmother who are oblivious to her pain.  It is so upsetting to see the neglect with both of them and there is not a thing I can do about it.  Lucas who was 10 mos. when she died will be turning 3 this month.  My last attempt to see him was ignored by his father.  Between this shell of a life and the guilt, sadness and not knowing why she died or if her boyfriend was involved is too much.

I am a complete and total mess.  I can't cope with any stress at all.  I have had 5 jobs in the last 2 years and have quit them all because I just can't handle it.  I am bombarded with "brain shocks", which I call the moments of true realization that she is gone.  I thought they were gone but surfaced right before Christmas and have continued.  The replaying of the time from the phone call and days after continue to be a destructive force in my mind.  Sirens bother me, I can't go anywhere close to the area that she lived or shopped without taking something and the smallest thing can cause an outburst of tears or lashing out.  I was watching "American Idol" out of boredom a couple of weeks ago.  One of the contestants was a sweet young man who had been engaged when his fiance was in a bad car wreck.  She was in a coma for a month with severe brain damage and even though the doctors told them that she most likely would not come out of it she did.  She has apparent brain damage and her mother and fiance now take care of her.  I was a complete and utter mess after seeing this.  Sarah was not in a coma but it was apparent that she had brain damage.  The doctors repeatedly told me that there was no hope for her but I kept telling them that I wanted to wait.  Nurses almost every day would report that they saw  "purposeful movement" or response from her but the doctors would say no.  One time when she was not heavily sedated, she looked right at me and the look of recognition was there.  Everyone loved her smile.....her eyes would kind of crinkle around the outside.  For a moment then, I saw not a smile but the crinkle.  I am sick that I made the decision to let her go.  If I had know then what I know now, I never would have let her go.  I would have given her a chance.   No matter what the outcome, I alone made that decision and took her earthly existence away.  I would have gladly cared for her the rest of my life if there was a chance that she could have had moments of joy.  Her children would have been her inspiration and the impact that having her here, regardless, could have changed everything for them...for all of us. I believed the doctors at that time but no longer wish I would have listened since I have learned so much since about brain injury.  

I will never know what happened.  The hospital did not do any tests besides an initial ua, which showed positive in 2 categories, both prescriptions that she was taking.  No blood work to determine exactly what and the levels.  The police that responded to the call reported to detectives who came to the hospital that her boyfriend was being evasive and acting strangely never did anything more.  He had a domestic abuse charge against her just a short time before, was on probation and had a documented legal history of anger issues.  She had just started a new job and was so happy about it.  She also planned to get out of her relationship with him.  

I know this is really long winded.  I just want you to know that you are not alone.  I don't post that much and sometimes I can't even read.......too painful.  When I do, your posts, more times than not, hit home.

I care,
Jamie

11
Child Loss / Terry...
« on: January 12, 2011, 04:54:37 PM »
Just know that I am thinking of you and Jeff.  I love you so much!
Thinking about your dad, too.

Peace and Love,
Jamie

12
Child Loss / Is it possible to have two hearts?
« on: January 07, 2011, 11:26:28 AM »
It seems that I do.  One that is broken by the loss of my Sarah.  The other one is broken by the aftermath.  My other children....her children.  We are all broken. 

That's all I can say for now though I did intend for this to be longer.

Jamie

13
Child Loss / Re: Facebook
« on: December 31, 2010, 07:51:28 AM »
I'm on Facebook, as well.  Jamie Moncrief

14
Child Loss / Re: Sarah's Angel Date ((((( Jamie )))))
« on: December 31, 2010, 07:49:04 AM »
I think I've finally managed to make my way back to this board. Thank you for mentioning me and my Sarah.  As much as I thought staying away was better for me, I have come to realize that it's where I need to be.  Only here, do people truly understand.....

15
Child Loss / Re: All of these 'firsts" are making life unbearable
« on: December 09, 2009, 05:57:59 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words.  It's so hard and unexpected to be emotionally "ambushed" this week.  A year ago 12/7 was her last login on MySpace, a year ago yesterday was the last time I saw her "as my Sarah", before her days in the hospital and a year ago today was when I got the call from her boyfriend.  I miss her so much as I know you do your precious ones.  I do wonder why she had to die on Christmas day.  The one day that no matter what our schedules were or what was going on in our lives we would all be together as a family.

I know the holidays are hard regardless of when you lose a child and to all of you, just know that I am thinking of you each and every day.  I have a hard time posting but I do read often and your stories and words to one another carry me a little bit further than I could go on my own.

Love to all,
Jamie

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