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Messages - Carlina

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Main / third death in two years
« on: April 24, 2010, 08:08:27 PM »
Another death today in the family. My mother passed away after many years (8) in the nursing home. She was sick the last 6 months. Mom now joins my husband Mark (22 months) and my sister's husband Sidney (two months). This family has been a strong force in helping my sister and me through a difficult time in our lives and we again are being strong for my Dad and each other.

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Main / Re: Visions that won't go away :(
« on: April 24, 2010, 08:03:17 PM »
My husband died 22 months ago from a heart attack. He came in from the fields and  told me that he was not feeling well and wanted to lay down. A few minutes later I heard a noise and discovered Mark in distress. I also call 911 and began CPR. I didn't need instructions as I am a EMT-Basic and have been on the ambulance service for 15 years. Even with all the training I could not save my husband although I have saved others. The guilt that I carried was difficult for the first year. I knew the signs of a heart attack yet did not see them in Mark. I have replayed the scene over and over again to figure out what went wrong. Finally a counselor asked me if I would want Mark to feel guilty if he was the one who performed CPR and I didn't survive. I knew then that I could let the guilt go.  All if you need to ask yourselves this same question. Would I want my spouse or partner to feel guilty if they were the ones you could not save me? This may help you all to start to accepting that you did the best you could in the situations that you were given. I hope this helps you (((HUGS))))))) Carlina

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Main / Another death in family
« on: February 27, 2010, 06:51:52 AM »
21 months after the death of my husband, my sister is going through the same thing. She lost her husband suddenly of heart failure at 53. It is bringing back so many memories of the day and week after my husband died. My husband also died at the age of 53 of a massive heart attack.  Maria is looking to me for answers and it is very hard to help her and to deal with my emotions too. I will find the strength for her. Then I will deal with the aftermath of my emotions.

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Main / Dreary and long days
« on: January 26, 2010, 09:30:09 PM »
You must be strong to live in this life especially with grief as a constant companion. I had a new grandson born on Jan 19. He was three days old when he was transferred to the peds ICU unit a large city (Grand Rapids, MI) for an infection that could not be treated at the home hospital. He is now out of the unit but still in the same hospital and will continue to stay for another 5-6 days. Then we can bring out little guy home. 

Then yesterday his cousin (my four year old granddaughter) was playing at her day care and ran into the edge of a wall and was rushed to the hospital for a concussion, and 15 stitches in her forehead.

I have been so tired trying to be strong  for both of the boys as they deal with the illness of their children. It seems like it is one thing after another. I know that it has something to do with the weather and the cold. I am posting a question..... Is anyone else being affected by the cold and dreary weather? It seems like the days are very long Well I better close this post and tried to get some sleep.

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Main / Been awhile
« on: January 17, 2010, 06:04:48 PM »
I have been gone awhile due to many things happening in my life. My mom's health is slipping a little everyday. My siblings and I have been trying to ease Dad's mind and to help with all the issues that dying entails.
My classroom has been a challenge this year. I have 10 special education middle school boys with Austim, and Emotional problems. Teaching has been interesting as I deal with each new problem that has come up.
The farm is settled in for the winter and we look to what spring will bring to the farm. Plans are being made and we are still following Mark's long term plans that he made before his death.
I finally decided to see a counselor to help with the depression since Mark's sudden death. The counselor feels that I was suffering from Post Tramua Syndrome (PTS) since I could not save Mark especially with my EMT training. This depression was affecting my health. I am now taking better care of myself.
I have been reading posts about the second year being harder than the first. I have found that to be true. I believe that I was so busy with getting my Master's  degree, working on the farm and in the feed store as well as working as a teacher that I didn't have time to grieve. It sure has hit me this year. I will continue to read posts and will try to add to the posts. Carlina

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Main / Re: Daily accomplishments
« on: September 09, 2009, 05:28:27 PM »
I went back to my classroom at school and have a class of 8 mostly with ADS and Cognitively Impairments. Of the 8 students, most are boys. It will be an interesting year.
I also went to the hospital to welcome the newest member of the family, my grandson Ronin, who was born today. Ronin is my oldest son Jeremy first son. He also has two older girls. Life does go on even though there is a death to grieve. My husband would have been very proud of the little guy.

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Main / Re: with the holidays approaching
« on: August 31, 2009, 05:11:14 PM »
Having already gone through the first holidays without my husband Mark, I know the pain that will accompany these holidays. I sat down with the children (3 sons and 1 daughter along with their spouses) and discussed what we would do about the holidays. We decided to keep some of the traditions like food and celebrations but added several others to remember Mark. Usually we stay together at the farm house and then celebrate the holiday. This last year the children stayed in their own homes to let the children have Christmas at thier homes and and gathered for dinner later on Christmas Day. I went to Midnight Mass and sang in the choir. Later came home to celebrate with a very rich  piece of dessert and a glass of wine. The next day I went to Mass again to sing in the choir. I never did this before as I sat with Mark to listen to the beautiful music and Mass.  This year we also made special ornaments for the families' trees with a picutre of Mark on it. The grandchildren then talked about Papa and what they remembered about him. Before the snow hit (in early Dec.) the families went and placed a wreath made of pine branches from the farm on his grave. The rest of the traditions were observed as we always have.
For Thanksgiving we also remembered Mark with a special prayer and a candle that was on the table. The grandchildren and kids glued leaves on the candle with special memories of Papa.
Another tradition in our family is the opening day of deer camp supper. Again we raised a toast and talked about Mark who had hosted many of these parties on the farm. His deer blind was empty but everyone gave a small knock as we went by it.
I know that there are special memeories for each of you that you will remember about past holidays with your love ones. There  will be tears as well. It did help to be with others and to create new memories and traditions.
I also spent some quiet time in my own memories of Mark as I had 34 years with him. I took the Christmas Picture album and spent some time remembering. You will get through the holidays one day at a time. (((Hugs)) Carlina

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Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: August 25, 2009, 05:23:08 AM »
  Another suggestion would be for your things is to pick a respresentative that you trust like a  niece or friend if you don't have children.  You could also have a lawyer place things into a trust. Make a list of where you would like your belongings to go to. Jewerly to a friend etc. You could also have the lawyer give it to the charity of your choice like household items to Habitit for Humanity etc.
  I gave Mark's clothes to a men's homeless shelter after my sons took what they wanted. He was always doing little things like that for others so it helped me to give away those things that the family didn't want. I also keep things like his pocket knives for the grandchildren as they are older.
  Another idea is to think what would your mother want done with her belongings. Is there a charity that she gave to? Maybe think about what she would have like you to do with her things will help you through the process.
  The best place to start is with the legal and personal papers. Those are the things that you will need right away. If your mother didn't have a file cabinet organize them in a hanging file box you can get from a office supply place. Do this first as it will help when you need the information during the next year and this will also ease your stress if you know where the information is. Place important papers like home paperwork, stocks and birth and marriage certificates in a fire proof box or safe deposit box. Anything that is over seven years old shred as well as all credit cards and unused checks.
  I know that it seems like such a big job but breaking into pieces will make it a little easier.  Don't forget to do this a little at a time and take frequent breaks. I hope that you will find these things useful as I have been there.

((((hugs)))) Carlina


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Main / Re: Question about belongings
« on: August 24, 2009, 06:03:22 PM »
First you need to see a doctor as soon as possible. Many time heart palpitations are the result of stress and anxiety. You have been and still are under stress. If there is a problem the doctor will be able to help. Not doing anything will add to the stress and anxiety that you are having. I have been on many rescue runs in which heart palpiations were due to stress . I strongly urge you to go to a doctor to be examined.
Secondly your mother's things can be taken care a little bit at a time. Personal papers, photographs, etc  might be the first things that you want to take care of. Then go through the rest of your Mother's things when you feel up to it. There is no time table to take care of your loved one's things. My husband has been gone for a little over a year and I am still going through things that were his. Some things are in the garage and barns of our farm. Take each day and do what you can, make a list of what you would like to go through and try not to do it everyday. Give yourself time to grieve and remember as you go through your mother's things.
I hope this helps.  Lots of (((((Hugs))))))

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Main / Re: school is starting today
« on: August 24, 2009, 04:38:06 AM »
I know what you are feeling. I was in the last two semsters of my Master's degree and thesis paper when my husband died. He had supported me through all of my advanced degrees in education. I didn't know if I coud finish the course work until a daughter mention that Dad would have wanted me to finish as he was very proud of me.
I believe that Matthew would want you to continue and to do your best. I know that you will have trouble concentrating but take the assignments in bits and pieces. Make yourself a  calendar and break up the work into small projects. This way you will stay on top of the work. You will have days that you do not want to do anything but go to class and  finish want needs to be done. I also talked to the teachers who did help me through these classes and the bad times.
I wish you good luck and if you need me just email and I will do my best to help with any problems that you what to discuss.  You can do it!!

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Main / Re: 18 months
« on: August 13, 2009, 04:04:00 AM »
Today it has been 13 months since Mark passed away in my arms. I too have been thinking of him and what we had together. It seems that  he will still come through the door or I will see him on the tractor on the farm.  I agree that we need to honor and respect the person that they were.
I can tell by your words that your wife would be proud of who you are and what you will become because she was in your life.
Take care Carlina

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Main / Re: In honour of my Father.
« on: August 12, 2009, 02:28:17 PM »
Keri, You have a great idea with the journal. My daughter and daughters-in-law provided several journal books at the funeral so that people could write stories or memories of Mark (my husband) down. I have continued especially when one of the grandchildren will tell us about something that their Papa did or told them. I hope that this will help all of us remember their Father and Papa. This will also tell the grandchildren to come about the special man that Mark was.
So keep writing and sharing those beautiful memories of your Dad. He will live on in your thoughts and words. Carlina

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Main / Re: death of my boyfriend
« on: August 11, 2009, 05:15:36 AM »
I donated My husband's eyes to the Michigan Eye Bank. I have since received letters from the people who have received his eyes. I find comfort in the idea that Mark helped someone with his passing.

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Main / Re: Daily accomplishments
« on: August 10, 2009, 05:08:34 AM »
My daily accomplishments for Sunday:
finished painting the new grandchild's bedroom (son family lives with me since Mark's death)
washed  and folded some baby clothes
fixed dinner
worked crocheting a baby blanket
starting to work on the new school year project list

Since the baby is due in three weeks (due date is Mark's birthday) I have been helping to get ready for the baby. Gives me a purpose each day.

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Main / Re: I'm new here
« on: August 06, 2009, 05:55:56 AM »
Suz,
I have a picture of my husband that was taken one week before he died of the 4th of July, 2008. He was teasing my daughter-in-law and she snapped the picture. It is a picture that I cherish as it looks so like him and shows his wonderful smile and his teasing eyes. I have it on my computer at work and also on my home computer. Each of the children and the grandchildren have the picture close to them. I also gave the picture to his brother and sister. Everyone said that it looks so much like him and shows his personality to a T.

So if you have a picture that brings you comfort then display it where ever you want. It will help to ease you through the grief process. Talk to the picture, discuss your day and the events that have happen. No you are not crazy just using what ever tool will help you through the difficult time.

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