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Messages - Lindapinda

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Bad Night Tonight
« on: June 30, 2011, 12:09:37 AM »
It's been quite sometime since I've posted anything but I was touced by your post. To be able to perform in public. My husbnad was a singer and I loved to hear him sing and play his gutair.  It will be three years on July 26th and I still Miss him but it does seem to be getting a little easier as time passes. I never thought it would. Keep up with your music and take care.

Main / Re: Something strange and wonderful...
« on: September 25, 2010, 12:46:13 PM »
You brought tears to my eyes.  Very moving what you wrote. My husband has come to me in dreams only a few times but I was so overwhelmed that I woke up crying, but they were happy tears. It's been a little over two years since I lost him to Testicular Cancer and I still miss him so much. I truly beleive your love ones can communicate with us through our dreams.

Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: August 29, 2010, 04:22:52 PM »
Modesto, CA US

Main / Re: How Do I Go On?
« on: August 28, 2010, 04:09:26 PM »
The other night I was watching my wife's favourite cat live up to his nickname (i.e. The Spotted Freak!). I turned to share a laugh with her over what he was doing and yet again it was driven home forcefully ... and brutally ... just how big a hole losing her carved out of my life. I caught myself wondering yet again how to go on, and whether or not I really wanted to.

Kit and I were married for close to 17 yrs. We were together through lean times and good, career changes, relocations, etc. She was my best friend, my soulmate, the foundation upon which my life was based. We didn't have any children in spite of many years of trying. Perhaps to compensate, we somehow wound up with 5 cats, a toy poodle and a macaw in lieu of human children. The youngest cat, Orion, is a Bengal, and for those not familiar with the breed they retain many kittenish qualities through adulthood - kittens that never grow up, they just get bigger ... and get into everything. As such, he was a never-ending source of amusement for both Kit and I.

Kit became ill in early 2009 and was diagnosed with non-cancerous fibroid tumors in her abdomen that they first thought they'd treat with medications and later, as the pain grew worse, through surgery. As the date for her surgery drew nearer the pain got progressively worse and her doctor prescribed stronger meds, until one day I had to take her to the ER for pain relief. While we were there they took a CT scan of her abdomen and just happened to catch part of her lungs in the picture. They noticed some spots on the lungs that gave them some concern and admitted her for further tests. Within a week or so it was confirmed that she had cancer (unknown primary). Not only that, but it had already spread to other areas. The Oncologist estimated she had 1-2 years to live if she underwent chemo, less if she didn’t seek treatment. Our lives came crashing down around us that week.

Kit went for chemo and at first it seemed to slow the spread of her cancer but by the New Year the cancer was back with a vengeance. Late January we were told Kit had maybe a few months to live. We halted treatment so she could best enjoy what time she had left. In early March they said she had weeks … and if we had any plans (trips, activities, etc.) we should not waste time on excess planning. The last week of March I took her to Las Vegas, a place she had often talked about us going to see together. After getting back we were also planning a long weekend in Savannah. When we left home she could still walk with minimal assistance (and a cane) but I arranged for a wheelchair to be at the hotel. Two days later the cancer played perhaps its cruelest trick - It took away the use of her right arm and leg. We had made a side trip to see the Grand Canyon, and that night in our hotel in Flagstaff Kit tried to get out of her chair and her right side collapsed, sending her crashing to the floor. For the rest of the trip she was confined to her wheelchair. She couldn’t get in or out of it without assistance. She couldn’t dress, shower, etc, without assistance. Kit was an artist, both in traditional media and as a graphic artist. She was also very talented musically and played many instruments. For Kit this seemed to be the final blow, the ultimate indignity heaped on her by the disease. We finished the rest of the trip, but she grew visibly weaker and weaker as the week went on. It was our last trip together, to a place I’d promised to take her to for a few years, and we enjoyed the trip, but when I look back on ths photos I took of her that week alone I can see the changes that happened in those few days.

At the Las Vegas airport, waiting for our flight, Kit slept soundly in her wheelchair, so soundly that two burly security guys came over to see that she was ok. She had to be carried to her seat (I’m SO glad I shelled out the extra for First Class!). She slept so soundly on the flight home to Atlanta that I checked her breathing and pulse a few times. She woke up near the end of the flight and apologised to the Flight Attendant for sleeping so long … imagine that. Her mom, who was staying with us throughout Kit’s illness, met us at the airport. When we got home we set up the sofa bed in the living room until Hospice could get a bed delivered. This was Friday night. On Saturday a bed was delivered and set up downstairs. Kit slept more and more as the weekend progressed, and on Monday morning the Hospice nurse told us she was slipping away, that it would be a few days at most. On Wednesday morning, April 7th, 10:30am, I held her hand while she died. We were watching an episode of “Scarecrow and Mrs. King”, a show that she’d waited for years to come out on DVD and the first season had arrived while we were in Vegas. That morning I put the show on so she could at least hear it, even if she didn’t wake up to see it. On Saturday I played “Dark Island” on the bagpipes at her funeral service.

I’ve been like a zombie since then. Weekdays I would get up, go to work, then come home to the pets and sit alone in the house. A couple of times each week I’d go to band practice to get out of the house. Weekends it was me, the pets, and lots of memories. August 14th was our wedding anniversary. It would have been our 17th. I knew it would be rough. It was worse, but at the same time it was wonderful. I watched our wedding video, then a few of our favourite movies. I ran out of champagne early on and switched to Crown Royal. It felt right to spend the day with her, with our memories. We usually spent this day together in previous years and I couldn’t deny her this one.

I’ve never told all of this to anyone. I don’t know why I’m doing so now, but I feel like I’ll implode if I don’t get it out. Tears are streaming from my eyes as I type, and my chest aches. Still, I need to get this out, to grieve. Sadly I can’t grieve openly around other people … call it a “guy thing.” Stupid, but we’re programmed this way.

Anyway, if you’ve made it thus far, thanks for letting me get this out. I know she’s gone. I see the empty side of the bed next to me at night, the shoes and coats by the door that she’ll never again wear, the toothbrush on the sink that will never be used, and I know, intellectually, that my sweet Kit is gone. In my heart I can’t make myself believe that this is so.


Main / Re: How Do I Go On?
« on: August 28, 2010, 04:06:49 PM »
I know it will be hard to understand this but time will heal you. It's been two years sicne I lost my beloved husband Glen and I still miss him so much. I do understand you not wanting to be with groups of people. I felt the same way. I know you can't beleive it now but it will get better it really will. Have you tried to go to a greif healing group. I went through three with the local Hospis and my first few meetings all I did was cry and cry, but all the ladies and the guy were so very understanding and caring. Just a hand held or back patted was so healing.. By my third time around I actually was comforting the newer people. I hope you will keep posting here.

Main / Re: Chat Room is Open
« on: August 28, 2010, 03:54:43 PM »
Hello everyone It's been quite some time since I've been here. I lost my beloved huband two years ago on July 26th and I'm still am having a hard time. I just miss him so much. I have been in three loss of a spouse support groups and they really did help.  I was going to try to be a facilator and signed up but at the last minute I just couldn't do it. I've tried to do a little dating but it seems nobody can compare. I will admit for the most part I'm doing okay at work. I gues out of mind out of sight. I've read a lot of your comments and have been brought to tears but it does help to read how other are feeling. I'm going to try and post something weekly. It really does help me. 

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