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Messages - missumom

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Main / Re: Daily accomplishments
« on: August 11, 2009, 10:55:24 PM »
I am so glad to have stumbled upon this thread.
What a great idea.  It is amazing how hard the littlest things can be when you are drowning in depression.

I notice I feel so much better when I get out of the house and do something with my son (almost 15 months old now), so today we went to the library and went and played at the park for a while.

When I got home I felt so good.  Instead of napping my day away I actually went out and did something!

The euphoria of feeling so good about getting out of the house gave me the energy to wash my bedding, remake my bed, vacuum my room, and clean out the cat's litter box.

The past month or so has been very bad.  I have been experiencing a bad downswing in my depression and have taken to hiding in my room, eating, and napping (whenever I am not taking care of my son).  My son naps a lot and I was napping right along with him every day.  I have been sleeping my life away, hiding from the world, shutting everyone out.  I have been in a bad place.

It felt really good to get out and see the light today.
Definitely an accomplishment!

Main / Re: Overeating
« on: August 11, 2009, 10:46:18 PM »
This has been a very big problem for me.
I have always had a problem of turning to food for comfort in my life, and now I am at a point where I need comfort more than I have ever needed it - and I am eating insane amounts of food as a result.

My depression has taken a downward spiral over the last month, and my weight is showing it.
I have gained about 20 pounds just in the last month!!

I wish I had some advice for you on this.
In reality, I need some myself!!


Main / Re: 4months since the accident and finally a step forward
« on: November 21, 2008, 08:37:33 AM »
I am glad your children did well on your son's birthday.
I am also glad to hear that the trial is finally going forward.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Main / Thank you
« on: November 21, 2008, 08:35:30 AM »
I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and support.

Finding this forum and being able to come here and pour my pain out on the key board and getting all of the wonderful kindness and support from all of you has been a godsend for me.

Thank you all very much!


Main / I want my old life back!!
« on: November 19, 2008, 01:44:48 PM »
My life used to be so good.
I have this wonderful marriage and this beautiful new baby and I had this amazing relationship with my Mom...
I was happy - VERY happy - I LOVED my life.

Now my Mom has been taken from me and I am so depressed and sad and angry all the time and that depression is putting a strain on my marriage and my husband and I don't feel like we're connecting on any level anymore.  My life is filled with sadness and all that once was happy is tarnished.

Why did my good life have to be taken from me?
I don't like this new life.
I used to be so happy - I used to love my life so much.
I want that back!!!

Main / Re: negativity
« on: November 17, 2008, 08:12:26 AM »
For me, even worse, is my jealousy.  I hate feeling jealous, but when my friend comes and bitches about her Mom, I can actually feel my whole body stiffen and it's all I can do not to snap at her that she should stop being so ungrateful and appreciate her mom and the fact that's she's still got one.  Same with my hubby.   I am jealous when I see my sister in-law sitting chatting to her mom, because I had that, but never will again.  My mom, my number one supporter, the person who knew me best and supported me in everything, the one who gave me this life, is gone. 

I feel EXACTLY this way too!!!
When I see a Mom & daughter in the store together chatting and laughing I feel overcome with jealousy and anger.  When I see how horribly my boss talks to her own mother I get so mad that she doesn't appreciate her Mom!  I complete understand what you mean - I often feel this jealousy!!


Main / Re: 4 Months Today
« on: November 17, 2008, 08:10:05 AM »
I am so sorry Tammy.
I read your posts and feel your pain!!
I understand exactly how you feel.
I hope that you can find joy in that beautiful little baby of yours!!
I know that when I am feeling really sad about missing my Mom, my little six month old son can always make me smile.


Main / negativity
« on: November 12, 2008, 03:46:22 PM »
I fear that my depression and anger over losing my mom has turned me into someone I don't want to be. I am filled with so much sadness and anger and frustration and it comes out as negativity and nastiness about everything! I try really hard to put a happy face on and go about my life, but it is just a front and my real feelings keep spilling out onto the ones I love... well mostly just on my husband. I nag and nitpick and I am nasty to him in ways that he does not deserve. I don't know what to do.

My husband is the absolute #1 most important person in my life and our marriage is the rock that is keeping me from drowning right now. I hate that my grief is putting a strain on that.

I feel like the joy has been taken from my life. Things that used to make me happy don't make me happy anymore. Not that my husband and my baby do not bring me joy - they do - but since my Mom has been gone I feel like my ability to feel that joy is gone.

I feel like I have become a very negative person. I feel like I am always seeing the negative side of things and thinking about the bad rather than trying to see the good.

This is not the person I want to be.

Main / Re: I don't know if I wanted to know this!!
« on: November 10, 2008, 08:18:20 PM »
the echocardiogram would have shown the doctors her defective valve. then she would have needed a valve replacement. THAT would have saved her life!
It was not her doctor who admitted this to my step-dad - it was a cardiologist who had never actually seen my Mom.
My step-dad asked him for his opinion.
He works with a lot of medical experts because he is a medical malpractice attorney.

I just hate knowing that this could have been prevented!!!

Main / I don't know if I wanted to know this!!
« on: November 10, 2008, 08:26:13 AM »
So I had dinner with my step-dad last night and we got to talking about my Mom and he was saying how he had talked about her situation with a cardiologist and he said that he would have to see my Mom's files to know for sure, but it sounds like if they had done an echocardiogram on my Mom and had seen how bad her mitral valve was then they could have replaced the valve before this had ever happened and she would not have died like this. I don't know if I wanted to know that!! Now all I can think about is how this could have been prevented. It just makes me that much more angry about the whole thing!! My step-dad feels angry at my Mom's doctor for not ever requesting that my Mom get an echocardiogram. He knew that my Mom had mitral valve prolapse, BUT in most cases MVP is very minor and does not really affect people's lives much at all... BUT my Mom's mitral valve was severely defective and had they ever done an echo they would have seen that! UGH! I don't know. Knowing that they could have fixed my Mom's heart a long time ago and that if they had she would still be here just makes me angry... I wish we had caught this a long time ago so I could still have my Mom!!!

Main / Not-so-Happy Birthday to me
« on: November 07, 2008, 07:40:14 AM »
Well... today is my birthday.
Part of me didn't to come.
I cannot handle knowing that I won't be getting that birthday phone call from my Mom this morning! She was always the first one to call me. As soon as I picked up the phone she would sing me Happy Birthday. I cannot handle knowing that I won't be getting that phone call this year... or any year ever again!

I have always loved my birthday, but not this year.
This year I just want it to just come and go like a regular day so that maybe I can ignore the fact that I never get to hear her sing Happy Birthday to me ever again.

Last year when she called me on my birthday I missed the call.
She left me a voicemail on my cell phone - she sang Happy Birthday and told me how much she loved me and hoped I had a great birthday. I saved it on my phone for a really long time. For months and months it was saved in my phone. Then one day I deleted it - thinking to myself "I don't need to save this, I will get another birthday call next year". Little did I know that I would NOT be getting that call this year! Little did I know that I had just deleted the very last birthday call I would ever get from her. I so wish I had not deleted that voicemail!!! I wish I could have it back and listen to it over and over and over again! I am so mad at myself for deleting that voicemail! I want it back!

I miss her so much.

Main / Bittersweet
« on: November 05, 2008, 02:24:42 PM »
Yesterday we elected Barack Obama to be our next President.
I am a HUGE Obama supporter, so of course, I am thrilled...
BUT my Mom was the biggest Obama supporter I know and she SO wanted to see this victory happen!
It is not fair!!

Last night as I celebrated the victory with my family it was so bittersweet.
We were all thrilled that what we had hoped for for so long had actually come to pass but we all felt like it was not right that my Mom was not there celebrating with us.

I tried to tell myself that she was watching and celebrating somewhere - but that didn't really make me feel any better!

I feel like EVERYTHING is going to be bittersweet now!

I just fed my son solid food for the first time over this past weekend.
I wanted so badly to tell my Mom all about it!

He just had his first Halloween...
I wanted to badly to show her how cute he looked in his little duck costume!

In the upcoming months we will celebrate his first Thanksgiving, his first Christmas, his first birthday...
My Mom was so excited about all of these things and SHE SHOULD BE HERE FOR THEM!!!!!

I want so badly to be happy and excited about all of these things but it is so hard when I am filled with so much anger and sadness that my Mom is not here sharing them with me!!!

Main / One Month
« on: October 30, 2008, 08:01:34 AM »
Today is the one month anniversary of my Mom's death.
I am in so much pain this morning. I can't stop crying. My heart just aches. I miss her so much!!! Living without her for ONE MONTH has been so hard - I do not know how I am supposed to do it for the REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

I need her in my life.
She made me feel so special, so loved, so important!
The fact that she always wanted to know every little detail of my day - everything that was going on in my life, everything that was going on with my son... she really CARED about me and my life and I miss that. I miss feeling that special. No one loves me the way she loved me. No one knows me that way that she knew me. She knew me better than anyone because we were so alike. No one knows me like that. I feel so lost without her.

This has been so incredibly painful.
I feel like I wake up every morning and have to deal with the pain all over again - as if I am learning of her death for the first time all over again every single morning. In my sleep I dream of her and I feel as if she is not gone - then I wake up and reality comes crashing in and I am crushed again.

This is not getting any easier.
This pain is not lessening.
I miss her every moment of every day.
I hurt so much all the time.


Main / Re: i want to pick up the phone
« on: October 29, 2008, 07:52:22 AM »
I am so sorry for your pain.
I know exactly how you feel!!
I took my son to a baby gym class yesterday afternoon and it killed me that I could not call my Mom and tell her all about it when we got out.  Denial is a crazy thing.  Her death does not seem real to me.  I feel like I could pick up the phone and she would be there!!  I have to keep telling myself over and over... "she's gone.  she's really gone".  It hurts so bad.  I miss her so much.

Main / ANGER!!
« on: October 24, 2008, 11:53:53 AM »
So they say that anger is one of the stages of greif...
Over the course of the past three and a half weeks I have come to know it well...
Last night and today I am consumed with it!!

I want to go up on my roof and scream til I lose my voice....
Like that scene in Garden State when they all scream into the ravine.
I want to break things and smash things and punch things.
I have never been more furious in my life!!


I feel like the powers that be decided that I had too much happiness so they had to take some away...
I have a wonderful husband, I have an amazing son, I have this amazing mother who I can talk to about anything and who knows me better than anyone...
My life was good - so good - I was happy...
I guess I had too much happiness... I guess some had to be taken away...
Heaven forbid I have a life that makes me happy!!!

My Mom was a good person.  AN AMAZINGLY GOOD PERSON!!
She did not deserve to have her life cut short!


I am so mad I can hardly concentrate at work right now.
People try to talk to me and I have to choke back the urge to scream at them "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID LIFE!!!"
I can feel the anger in my whole body!
I feel tense.
I want to clench my jaw and clench my fists...
This is tiring me out!!
I was angry all night last night and then woke up this morning just exhausted.

I am just SO MAD!!
I want to blame someone for taking my Mom away from me...
I want to blame someone so that I can beat the living CRAP out of them...
But I can't blame anyone - so I am just angry - angry with nowhere to direct it.
I feel like I am going to explode!

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