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Messages - laurenE

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1
Parent Loss / Re: where is everyone..memorial day
« on: June 26, 2017, 06:25:16 PM »
try posting on webhealing face book page and see if anyone answers.  This place doesn't have the crowd that it used to before fb. 

2
Andrew,

I am so sorry for your pain.  I am also very sorry that I just now discovered your post.  How are you doing now that some time has passed?

I hope this finds both of you in counseling, doing your own individual work of healing.  Please let me know how things turned out.

Lauren

3
Main / Re: Nurse grieving loss of multiple patients
« on: August 12, 2016, 01:53:40 PM »
Sorry to take so long to reply. I just got on here again after a long break.

I do know what its like to lose patients.  I am a hospital SW in the heart transplant dept.  I see a lot of death.  Some patients we get attached to.  And its usually bc we can identify with them of that family in some way.    I think your biggest fear is that you will end up a widowed woman with 3 little ones like this poor woman is.  So you project your own feelings onto this situation ,  assuming what you would feel like if it were you.  Perfectly normal.  We all do it.     I had a hard time when a patient died that was my mothers age when she died.   

But fortunately I have a team that I work with.  You sound like you are out there on your own.  Thats certainly no way to work with patients.  Your grief is real when your patients die and so therefore you need a team of support. Not only for grief loss,  but for burnout (or the prevention of burnout ) too.

I would go to your local hosp chaplain (who usually offers free service) and schedule an appt with them in order to provide that support for yourself. I would walk into the hosp, and ask for the chaplains office.  They certainly know how to comfort staff when there is a death. Its what they do.  Find one that you like and  get to know them so that you can have a "go to" person the next time you lose a patient (bc it will happen again).     I was fortunate enough to have one by my side when we had to tell a loved one that their spouse just died in surgery.  I was comforted by what she was telling that spouse. It comforted me too :)   

I hope this helps.  In a world in which we help others daily,  you need to practice self care... spa,  pedi, mani,  hair appt,  massages,   counseling,  fun girl nights out,  date night with hubby,  hotel night with hubby (great stress reliever ;)), chruch,  etc. 

Take care, and I wish you the best with your newest little one.

LaurenE

4
Main / Re: With Time...
« on: September 17, 2015, 04:51:41 PM »
Maureen,

Hello old friend!  Its so good of you to come on in and sit awhile with me again! Come sit on my porch, and have some tea, and chat a bit.  :)  Now you think I've lost my mind.  But thats how it's always felt like with you and Irene.  As if we were sitting on the porch sharing our grief over the loss of our mothers, many years ago.  Its been 13 years ago for me.  11 for you and Irene.  Wow, has it really been that long?  Time flies,  and yet back then,  it was a torturous crawl.  At times I thought I'd never survive.   But of course I did.  We did.

As you said so beautifully once again,  with time healing does come.  I am healed and I am whole.  I think for me the way towards MY healing was finding a purpose in life,  a meaning.  Whether right or wrong,  I found that in my life,  and have moved on beautifully.  Life goes on,  people come and go, babies are born, new friendships and careers are formed, and even beloved pets die too.   I lost my grandpa two years ago at the age of 92, the last connection to my family.  And yet,  the timing was right. No wait,  the timing was perfect,  as it always is in His plan.  Not that I ever wanted to lose him.  I didn't.  But I knew I must at some point, and was ready for it,  and for what his death would mean for me.    Even then, that death has not even come close to the loss of a mother.  Not. Even. Close.   Ahh, that mother loss.  I am so thankful I am done with that in my life!!

I had forgotten about your dream of my mother.  But I still have thought of you over the years,  wondering where you were and how you were doing.   Are the fires raging in your area?  I think I remember that you are out on the West Coast? .   I do hope you are safe and have a good life as I have.  I  don't come around here anymore but someone emailed me to let me know that you were asking about me.   I'm so glad they did.  What a pleasantly wonderful surprise my friend.   Never go away.  I will always have my email connected to webhealing so feel free to send me private messages (private messages get sent to my email acct) or posts anytime. 

Irene is on fb and so we keep in touch.  I will let her know that you stopped by.

Big hug to you and congratulations on those grandbabies!  I know you must spoil them so.

Love,
LaurenE

5
Recommended Grief Books / Re: The Other Side of Sadness
« on: August 12, 2015, 08:30:52 PM »
Seven,
Nice to see a familiar face as I venture on here late at night while the world sleeps. So many old faces have come and gone over the yrs.  but sometimes a familiar face is all thats need to calm the storm within.  Those darn anniversary dates!   Hope you are well.   
LaurenE

6
Main / Re: Mother's Day
« on: May 09, 2015, 03:58:24 PM »
Hello dear Friend.

I hate this day .  Maybe its why I am grumpy today.   I try to ignore it but its everywhere here in the USA. The tv,  radio,  magazines,  stores,... and facebook is awful! .   There is no escaping this stupid holiday for me.    I am not a mom so theres no reason to need this day.  Have bad memories of the last mothers day with my mom.   Did not have a nice mom during childhood/adulthood.   Its just not a good day for me.

 So I always give myself permission to skip church to avoid being tortured with how a mother is supposed to treat her children.  It just conjures up old injuries that I don't need to remember anymore.   

The good news is, The pain is long gone.  The memories are stored deep into the crevices of my brain,  but this holiday and all of its advertising is just so irritating.

I'm with you on this horrible weekend.  I'm sorry you have to be a part of this motherless daughters club.  But at least we're not alone,  right friend?

Sending you hugs!
Lauren E

7
Hope2,

I was wondering how you were doing.  Glad you gave me an update.

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.  Sometimes she wants you and sometimes she wants him.   And to make matters more confusing,   she still wants the affection now and then. 

A person can not have a healthy relationship until they are fully committed 100%.  She is not. She has a bit of commitment to you and then some to him as well.  One foot in one door and one foot in another.   And so you must let her go and stop this game of cat and mouse.   It is confusing for both of you and it is unhealthy emotionally.   

You deserve better than that.    After this long of being with her,  and she still doesn't know what she wants,  then perhaps she never will.   If she doesn't know by now,  then perhaps she never will.   

My question to you is  why do you stay?  Why do you allow her to treat you this way?  Why do you put up with someone who wants to be your friend one minute, and the next she does not? Do you have insecurities of you own?  Low self esteem?    Those are the questions you need to think about with honesty and clarity.  Otherwise you will be allowing others to use you or mistreat you in the future. 

 You can change you and what you put up with, but you can not change her.    As the saying goes,  'we teach people how to treat us".   In other words, if you put up with things like this,  over and over again, and you still come back, then that gives her permission to keep going back and forth between you and an ex.   If I kick you in the leg,  and you either don't say anything about it,  or you come back to me day after day even though I keep kicking you in the leg,  then by your actions you are telling me that you don't care how I treat you,  you will put up with anything.   Not ok!!!!   You NEED to care how others treat you.  You do need to stand up for yourself and be strong enough to walk away when someone can't decide who they want to be with.   Its not easy being strong,  but you can do it. 

  As I said,  you deserve better than this type of treatment  from her or from anyone.   She treats you like you are 2nd best.   In a good healthy romantic relationship  you need to be 1st,  and only.  Thats what you deserve and should accept.  Not 2nd best.  Ever.   

I didn't realize the ex was in the picture.  I'm sorry she is treating you this way. 

Your friend,
LaurenE

8
Jay,

Welcome,  and thanks for your insight as well!  I agree with you.  Things do seem more relaxed after a little bit of breathing room. I'm glad you mentioned that.   Another set of eyes is always helpful so thanks for that.
And thanks for the compliment.   
Again, welcome. 
LaurenE

9
Hey Buddy!
Was great to hear from you and so happy to hear about your progress.  Sounds like you two had a great talk and have grown through this difficult time.

I think there are times when we all are an unbreakable rock, and then needy and vulnerable.  That's the complexity of being human and normal (yay for normal :)  ).  Great insight!

 Sounds like she has a lot on her mind.  Those fears are also normal, as life is changing and growing right in front of her.  I'm proud of you for being willing to be her friend through all of this.  You sound like a sweet, understanding, and caring guy.  She's lucky to have a friend like you.  Who knows,  one day when life settles down for her , with all of her own personal growing and changes,  and her fears of change have settled as well,  perhaps she will see you through clearer eyes,  and will come to realize what a great guy and friend you are. 
Give her time and space to grow, as she needs it, and continue being a great friend. 

Nice to hear from you hope2.  Thanks for your updates.  I do enjoy them. 

laurenE

10
Hope2,

Start with the apology and see where that leads.  :)

11
Dear hope2,

I'm glad you have been staying busy.  Thats great,  keep it up!  And I know 3 weeks seems like a long time,  but it really isn't in the big scheme of things.  Your pain is still fresh, and so is hers,  so its no wonder that you feel like you can't accept it yet. 

 From what you said,  she sounds really angry for some reason.  She wanted to get your things out of her place,  she didnt know when you could talk again, "maybe 5 yrs",  thats anger.  And the root of anger is usually either fear or hurt.

  So I would start with an apology, either in person or in an email or card.  Say something like  " I can tell that you are angry and hurting. I'm sorry that I hurt you. Will you tell me what I can do to help you/help us?.  Can you help me understand where I went wrong?"  . 

Maybe you didnt do or say anything wrong.  Maybe in her mind she thinks you did.  But she sure does sound angry so it makes me wonder if there was some misunderstanding or mis communication.   

Start there.  And see what happens.   The goal right now is not to get back together.  The goal is to clear up any misunderstandings and mis communication,  and to find out why she is so angry and hurt.   Hopefully in her time, she will tell you.   But until then,  sit tight and wait it out. Thats all you can do buddy. 

Good luck.

Your friend,
Lauren

12
Dear Hope2,

It sounds as if you are on the right track. Respect her wishes and let her have her space and time.  As hard as it may be,  don't beg,  don't chase,  just let her go (insert Disney song here ;)
 Someday she may come back to you.  But then again,  maybe not,  and you will need to be prepared for this as well.  One of the hardest life lessons that I have had to learn is that you can not force someone to love you or believe you.   It is a painful fact of life,  but one you will be able to grow from, learn from, and ultimately move on, if you  so choose. 

A wise person once said to me.  "when life is difficult and hands you unfair situations,  you can either choose to be bitter or better".      Take the easy road, and choose to be better,  just as I did.   Grow, learn,  and carry on.   You will heal,  your heart will ache for awhile,  but if you get busy living,  developing new hobbies,  activities, friendships and interests, you will heal.
If you choose to become bitter,  and it does not sound as if you are,   then your life and growth will stagnate, and you will stay stuck in your pain. 

As time moves on in relationships,  people grow and change. It happens in all relationships, as it should,  but it tends to be more obvious in relationships where the couple met at a younger age or if the age gap is too wide (for example, those couples who meet at age 14  tend to  NOT stand the test of time b/c there is so much growing and maturing that occurs both physically and emotionally between age 14 and the age when many are ready for marriage).  However,  some couples have survived and thrived in this situation.  Its neither a good thing or a bad thing,  but just be aware that there is more major growth and change that occurs emotionally for the 14-16 yr old,  as opposed to   the 20 yr olds who meet for the first time.    I do not know what your maturity level was like at the time that you began to officially date as a couple but as I said,  sometimes it works for the long haul,  and sometimes not.

  Sometimes a person or couples taste changes in what they want in a lifelong partner.  Sometimes their interests change and sometimes maturity levels change.  When this happens in a marriage, or in any committed relationship,  it is important to ride the roller coaster with them.   When her interest changes,  try new things with her.  and vice versa.  This will be necessary in any committed relationship that you are in.   But sometimes,  relationships or marriages do not stand the test of time b/c one was unable to adjust the sails,  and ride the roller coaster with them.  Sometimes the partner decides to jump ship and get off the roller coaster b/c the growth spurt or interest change was unexpected.  This is when relationships and marriages end,  and sometimes this is when affairs can occur.  You may have heard a friend  who recently broke up say something to the effect of  "she changed"  or 'we grew apart".   This is what I am talking about.   When one partner has new interests,  the other partner needs to become interested in it as well, in order to maintain common ground or interest and improve your chances of standing the test of time.

As for her going out and finding herself now.  As I said,  let her go,  let her have her space.  But if the two of you do have the opportunity to have a serious talk again,   remind her and yourself that  you do not have to break up in order to try new things and have some space.  As I said in my last post,  both of you should be joining in other activities.  She should be developing new female friends and you new guy friends and activities.   This should be occuring within your dating relationship to keep it healthy and strong.  One does not have to break up in order to do these things.    HOWEVER,  she has decided that she needs this space,  so show her some RESPECT and give her space,  let her go,  and be the best and kindest person you can be.  Do not retaliate, manipulate,  or be immature in  your words or actions.   And if she comes back to you,  then it was meant to be.  If she does not,  then wish her well,  and in time you will be able to wipe your tears and move on.   

Good luck hope2.  I hope this has helped.  keep in touch.

Your friend
LaurenE

13
Dear Hope,

I am sorry for the pain that a breakup can bring.  My advice to you is to get more friends. Both of you are spending way too much time together,  and need to share experiences with other people.  Join a club or sport or exercise class to give both of you the free time to have other experiences and friendships b/c it sounds as if you two are spending almost every waking moment together,  then getting bored and sick of each other which leads to breaking up. So yes,  both of you are too dependant,  and way too young to be this dependant on each other.

I think when you both speak of  "finding yourself",  what you truly are saying is that you both are bored.   You go to school together, come home together,  go out together, sleep together.   Even married couples have time with others at their separate jobs!  As a married couple we spend approx 4 hrs a night together before we go to bed, get up, go to work and do it all over again.   You two are attached at the hip 24/7 it seems.  Stop.   This isnt healthy.    You see,  you do the same thing (spend 24/7 together),  get bored,  break up,  get back together,  then try the relationship the very same way you had it before,  doing the same thing as before,  and expecting different results.   I think thats the definintion of insanity.  :)      

My advice is for both of you to find other interests while being together,  and see if this helps your relationship become more exciting.   As a male, find other male friends.  As a female she is to find and go out with other female friends.   Join groups, bible studies, exercise classes, study groups,  college clubs, etc.   Expand your experiences.  
If after 6 mos, this does not help,  then you two are meant to be better friends than lovers.  Even married couples have other interests,  groups, clubs, sports, poker buddys, work etc

My other question or concern in the relationship would be how quickly you introduced sex in the relationship.  No need for you to answer here, but think about it for yourself.  Sex is a wonderful thing in a long term committed relationship.   But it was never meant in a dating relationship simply bc  once you have sex,  you stop dating the way dating is supposed to be.  What I mean by this is that once sex is experienced,  its always on the mind waiting for the next time.  You stop getting to know each other intellectually, and become focused on the next sexual encounter.

  I tell the young females that if you give yourself to the guy,  you will never know whether he likes you for who you are or if he just wants to have sex with you.
 for example, you as the guy take her to dinner or a movie.  If you have already had sex with her in the relationship,  the girl will be thinking  "does he want to take me to this dinner or movie  just so that we can get home and have sex?"  .   If sex has never been introduced in the relationship,  she will believe that the reason you want to be with her or  take her out is to get to know her.

Its a huge mistake in even adult dating relationships. Once sex is introduced,  its very easy to stop getting to know the person.  You dont go to a movie then go home and sit up for hours talking about what makes you tick or sharing your hopes , dreams, and ambitions.  Instead tend to you run home after the movie and jump into a sexual encounter. or she sits in the movie wondering about whether or not you are going to expect sex afterwards.  Sex early in the relationship can actually kill the relationship instead of making it stronger.

So my 2nd advice to you is to stop having sex and start talking,  getting to know who she really is and what makes her tick,  her fears, her dreams,  her ambitions.  and if you think you already know all of that,  then simply spend time with her on a date with no expectations afterwards.   You will find new things about her the more experiences (dates, vacations, events, etc)  that you two experience together.

Here is a simple excercise to demonstrate how healthy your support system/friendships are.....  Draw a big circle.  Now draw lines in it,   like pie pieces.   Each piece of pie is your close friendships.  How many pieces of pie do you have?  Its never good to have just one piece of pie ;)   You want at least 3 or more close friends or activities in your pie.  (ex..a football team can be a piece of the pie since you spend alot of time exercising together,  the best friend you hang out with shooting pool when you go home from college,   the girlfriend,  the college roomie if you do stuff togther, the guy you mow lawns with etc etc).  

And last but not least.   There is a difference between old love and new love.   Old love is when you have been with someone for so long that you dont get that  silly giddy feeling when you hold hands.   Old love has typically experienced sex ( in marriage or a long committed relationship),  and has experienced many yrs together.

New love is when you meet someone and hold hands and get turned on by that.   You have not exprienced "the goods" (sex),   you are full of anticipation of getting to know her,  of spending more time with her,  and your heart races with excitement.  You cant wait to get together again and spend time goofing off or playing or doing simple things like feeding the ducks or  taking a walk, and stealing a kiss.   New love is unpredictable bc you dont know when he is going to steal that kiss.  You dont know when he is going to flirt with you or surprise you.   He still wants to take you out on dates with no expectations in the end.  He simply just wants to be with you.  

Even adults do not understand the difference.  They find someone new while married,  and end up having an affair.  They hold hands and get turned on. He smells her perfume at the office and gets turned on.  They share their dreams, goals, deep thougths or a project at the office and think "OMG I have found my soul mate!".   No,  what they have found is that  new love even at age 50 is as exciting as new love at 19. What they forget is that they have stopped working on the relationship they have had for 25 yrs at home bc its more work and takes more creative thought and effort.  New love is easier and usually more exciting.  .  But what always happens is that new love also becomes old love eventually, if you stay together long enough.    This is why some people jump from one person to the next rather quickly.  They are after that new exciting love,  and get bored very easily.  What they lose out on is that solid old love of a relationship that brings stability and safety,  and comfort like an old comfy cozy blanket.      

My advice to you is to be that person who is creative in the relationship.   My advice to her is to be that person as well.    Both of you need to make dating fun and exciting. She needs to look her best. You need to look your best.  One week she can create a date night, the next week you do it.  

  

If you try all of these things for approx 5mos, and it still doesnt work,  then as painful as it is,  let her go,  for both of you.    Every date we have we learn what we like and dislike , and what we want in our lifetime mate.   So every relationship is a learning experiences.  As painful as breakups are,  we learn and grow from them.
If my advice is too late for this relationship,   utilize it in the next one.  Life is like a box of chocolates,  you never know what you're going to get.   But you do know how you can be.

Good luck hope2.  And thanks for the p. message.  :)  Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

LaurenE

14
Main / My sweet gpa has died
« on: August 06, 2013, 12:10:27 PM »
So thankful that I have had 11yrs after mom died to spend visiting my gpa on a regular basis.  The poor man developed alzheimers after gma died 10yrs ago,  but was always friendly and welcoming when I would visit him. 

My last visit with him was just a few weeks ago.  I fed him.  he was in such a good mood. 

I love that sweet man.  Im gonna miss him so.

So gpa died in Aug and so did mom, 11yrs apart.  So far my moms brother has been very kind in letting me know details of funeral, viewing this week.  Hoping things will go well when I arrive at the funeral home.  Time will tell.

lauren E

15
Parent Loss / Re: Different Kind of Grief...Mother I Never Had
« on: July 01, 2013, 09:33:32 AM »
This one is a good one as well 
by Matt Redman  "Never Once"

 Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

... Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful...


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