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Messages - klharmon

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Main / Just stopping by to say hey
« on: March 25, 2013, 07:21:04 PM »
Hello all! It's been a long time since i posted anything (2 years if I looked at it right). Six years have passed since my world was turned up on its head, and there were days that I thought I would never make it another day. But I just kept hanging on and pushing forward and I have learned that all the struggles I faced lead me to where I am today. I am happily married and have 3 beautiful little girls. I would not trade my family for anything. I am 1 year away from completing medical school, which probably excites me the most. I never thought I would say this but I am grateful for the challenges and struggles that I have had to face because they have made appreciate life and the little things even more. I just want to say thanks for the people here who helped me through an extremely rough time and helped me get to this place. I know this post isn't much but I had a few moments and thought I would post something. I'll try not to wait so long before I post again.

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Main / Exciting Changes in My Life
« on: January 12, 2011, 05:31:18 PM »
I just wanted to stop in say that I really appreciate everything that the people here have done for me.  Just 4 years ago, I lost my best friend and I had no idea how I was going to get through it.  But, with the help of friends and family I did and my life is finally moving foward.  2010 was a year of many exciting things for me.  I married the love of life in February, we started medical school in August, and we welcomed our first little girl, Sadie Elisabeth Grace, into the world on December 24. My life has certainly changed a lot.  Things are very busy, but it is a good kind of busy.  Classes have started back and I miss not being able to spend every waking moment with my little girl, but I can rest at ease knowing that "nanny" is watching after her.  Now, I can truly say that I can not wait to see what the new year brings.  And, I hope that I will be able to post a little more often.  (But, with a new baby, that may be impossible.)  And again, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for just being there at a time when I really wasn't sure what to do or how to get through everyday life.

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Main / Finally Loving to Live My Crazy Life
« on: October 03, 2010, 05:19:45 PM »
So, once again it has been a while since I last posted anything.  Things have been really crazy lately, but it's a good kind of crazy.  I started medical school at Quillen College of Medicine in August, and I am loving every minute of it.  I would not trade this crazy, sometimes hectic, life for anything right now.  Life is changing so fast and at times I have struggled to keep up, but I am doing it (with the help of my wonderful husband:) )  I also wouldn't trade him for anything in the world either.  The other good news is that we are expecting our first baby girl in December.  I realize that it is not exactly the perfect timing, being in med school and all, but I think I am ready for it, and I am starting to get really excited.  Just taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best.  And, I have figured out who is really in control of my life, and I know that He will never give more than I can handle.  So, that is all for now.  Hopefully, I can post again sooner rather than later.

Kandra

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Main / It's been forever
« on: March 07, 2010, 06:48:10 PM »
Ok...so it has been forever since I have been in here.  (I think it was right when school started in August.)  A lot has happened in the last several months that has kept me busy, but it has been a good kind of busy.  The 2 year mark of Katie's death came and went in January, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be.  I have just learned to take things one day at a time, and not rush into things.  I am finally learning to put everything into God's hands and let Him help me out along the way.  A lot has changed over the the last few months.  I am now married to my best friend.  We got married on February 12.  He is amazing, and I believe that God put him into my life at the exact moment I needed him most.  We are so happy and excited about making a life of our own.  We will both be graduating from college in May, and we will both be heading off to medical school in the fall.  I am nervous and excited.  I think we both are. 

Well just thought I would check in and tell of things that have happened in the last few months.  Hopefully, it won't be so  long before I post again.

 

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Main / Finally Starting to Live My Own Life
« on: March 31, 2009, 06:59:56 PM »
So, it has been awhile since I posted anything.  I have been in Europe for school since February, and it has been an amazing experience.  It has really given me a chance to think about everything that has happened in my life without the influence of my friends and family.  I am finally starting to work through everything by myself.  I never thought that I would be able to find my way through this mess alone, but I am finally doing it.  I am finally beginning to realize that it is ok to live my life without Katie.  It's been over a year, and I have always been terrified of living my own life without her here to live it with me.  It is a very slow process, but I am working on it.  There have been many times when I felt guilty for doing something.  I felt guilty for coming to Europe, because she was not here to enjoy it with me.  But, I am glad I did it.  Over the past couple of months, I have learned so much about myself and life in general.  I have finally learned to accept that I will never know the answers to all the questions life throws at us.  I just have to learn to live with it.  I will never know the what ifs, and I finally starting to be ok with that.  I am finally beginning to see the big picture that God has set for my life.  I am now realizing that everything has happened for a reason.  I am right where God wants me to be right now.  He has placed to right people in my life at the right moments to help me understand this.  The puzzle is finally being put back together, and just maybe everything will be ok. 

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Main / Tomorrow Marks One Year
« on: January 11, 2009, 07:19:38 PM »
Well, it has officially been a year since Katie was murdered.  That is so hard to believe.  It still feels like yesterday, and yet it was a year ago.  I keep saying that because it is so hard to believe.  I keep expecting to call her and she answer the phone.  I still expect to see her everyday.  And the other thing is, that not only does this mark one year since her death, it also makes one year since everything in my life was turned upside down.  I never expected so much to go wrong in such a short time.  I just get a bad feeling that tomorrow is going to be a bad day.  I really do not know how I am going to get through it.  Plus, classes start back tomorrow so that is going to make things that much worse. 

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Main / Frustrated
« on: January 06, 2009, 02:31:16 PM »
So, I don't even know where to start.  Things are happening so fast that I feel like I can't keep up.  I got home from London last night, and now I wish I had just stayed there.  While I was there, I wasn't really worried about what was going on here.  I didn't really think about any of the things that had happened during the lsat year.  When I got back, it's like it all slapped me in the face.  The tension between my mom and I was high before I left, and now that I am back things are just worse.  I know she is trying really hard to put up a strong front for my siblings, but it is really just tearing the family apart.  Everything that gets said turns into an argument with her.  And it mostly revolves around my education.  She thinks she has my life all planned out for me.  She is the one who says I need to be a doctor, when in reality, I am not sure that's what i want.  I just decided to go pre-med in college because she said I should.  I can't stand being at my house.  I can't walk in the door without her trying to start something.  Does she not realize that everyone else in the family is hurting just as bad as she is?  I am not trying to be mean, but I just wish that she would just let me live my life the way I want to.  Is that being selfish?  I am fixing to move back into my college dorm room which means that I want be home again until May.  I don't want to leave home being mad at her, but it's impossible to talk to her.  What should I do?  I understand that she is hurting just as bad as me, if not worse, but I just wish she would just to me about it and not get offensive.  And to top it all off, I move back into the dorm on January 12, the same day that Katie was killed.  It's already been a year, and I am still not sure how I am supposed to live without her.  I am just really frustrated with all of this.  Sorry for rambling.

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Main / Hoping for a Better Year than 2008
« on: January 02, 2009, 07:19:56 PM »
Well I haven't been around in a while.  I have been studying abroad in London, so the time change has made it difficult for me to around.  Christmas has finally come and gone.  It was the first Christmas with out Mason, Kaite, and Megan.  It was difficult for my parents because they had to go through the holidays with out Mason and me.  I hated not being at home for the holidays.  I am honestly glad that it's over.  Now I just have to deal with the fact that on January 12, it will be a year since Katie died.  It's hard to believe a year has already passed.  It still feels like yesterday.  I can still remember the early morning phone call telling me that she was dead.  I just brushed it off as a bad dream and went back to sleep.  Then, I got to school and realized that it was real.  I was never going to see her again.  She wouldn't be at our senior prom or graduation.  I am honestly suprised that I made through this year.  With everything that went wrong, I wasn't sure how much more I was going to be able to handle.  I just hope that this year is better than the last.

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Main / Trying to get through the Holidays
« on: November 18, 2008, 06:01:33 PM »
So the past week and a half has been really crazy.  My brother died on Nov. 9 and the funeral was Nov. 12.  My life has been really messed up.  It's been hard trying to explain all this to my younger siblings.  Micah is taking it exceptionally hard, considering Mason was his twin brother.  My youngest sisters don't even know whats going on.  They are really too young to understand.  The rest of them are just confused.  And now the holidays are coming up, and I just don't know if I am ready for that or not.  Since last January, I have lost my 2 best friends and my brother.  Needless to say its been a tough year.  What makes it even harder is the fact that my mom had already bought some of the Christmas presents including Mason's.  I found them the other day and just lost it.  I was with her when she bought them and remembered saying how much he would love it.  He was only 11 years old.  I just don't know how I am going to get through the next few weeks.  So, how do I get through the holidays without them?

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Main / I Lost My Brother...Whats Gonna Happen Next?
« on: November 12, 2008, 05:52:43 PM »
Well I haven't been here in a few days.  Life has been crazy, and completely unfair.  On Sunday, November 9, my 11 year old brother, Mason, died.  This has just been another blow that I am not sure I can take.  Things at my house have been crazy.  It's been hard to explain to my other siblings, especially Mason's twin brother Micah, what's going on.  I went from having 2 brothers and 6 sisters, to having only 1 brother and 6 sisters.  I know that doesn't seem like a big deal when I have 8 siblings, but Mason left a huge whole in our family.  I am just really not sure what to do now.  I just can't take much more.  And the fact that the holidays are getting closer is not making this any easier.  I just keep wondering what's gonna happen next.  By this point, life can't push me much further over the edge.

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Main / Here We Go Again, I Can't Take Anymore
« on: November 04, 2008, 05:29:28 PM »
I just got another phone call that has changed my life forever.  My mom just called to tell me that my younger brother, Mason, was in an accident at school.  He apparently fell off the top of the slide and landed on his head.  The doctors don't know that he will ever wake up.  I may never see my brother alive again.  I can't anything else happening.  If he dies, that will be the third person close to me who has died in the last 10 months.  I'm over it.  Why is all of this happening to me now?  And when will it stop?

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Main / Everything is Falling Apart
« on: November 02, 2008, 07:51:32 PM »
So, life is moving on.  Days come and go, and the sun rises and the sun sets.  My only problem is that my life is stuck on that dark night in January.  The night I got the phone call telling me my best friend was gone.  The events of that night play over and over in my head, and I can't make it stop.  I am constantly running the what if scenarios through my mind thinking that it will bring her back to me.  I keep expecting her to call me so we can have the middle of the night chats that we always had.  I keep thinking of the days ahead that I will have to live without her.  I still have the last voice mail she left on my phone.  I listen to it everyday because I just can't erase it.  It's the only way I have to hear her voice.  My biggest fear is forgetting her, and letting someone else take her place.  She was my best friend and i still can't imagine my life without her even though I am living it right now.  I fear getting to know new people because I am afraid that they will either try to take her place or hurt me.  I have lost 2 close friends in the last 10 months and I can't imagine losing anyone else.  The mistakes that were made involving their deaths has also put a strain on my relationship with my parents. My family is falling apart, and I really don't need that to happen right now.  My younger siblings are confused and really don't know what to say.  My sister, McKenna, just entered high school and I see her following in my footsteps and it scares me.  I don't want her to have to go through what I am.  But, she thinks that it can't possibly happen to her.  She thinks she is too young, but I keep trying to tell her that I was just a senior.  She is just like me, and that scares me.  I never thought i would say that.  Well, sorry for rambling, but I just needed to get that out.

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Main / Losing the Innocence and Learning to Face the "Real World"
« on: October 23, 2008, 04:59:37 PM »
The innocence of childhood.  What a magical thing that you don't realize you have until you look back on your childhood.  My twin sisters, Chloe and Ciara, turned 5 years old today.  As I was walking in to their room this morning to wake them for school, I saw two sweet little angels that have not yet experienced the evils of the world.  The only thing they have to worry about is who stole whose doll.  This made me think to back before everything went wrong.  We were seniors in high school having the best time of our life.  We were still living in the time of innocence, clueless as to what the real world had in store for us.  All that concerned us was friends, boyfriends, and school.  When Katie died in January, all that changed.  We no longer had the priviledge of living in innocence.  As we got closer to graduation, our parents kept telling us that we were getting ready to face the real world.  But, we were already experiencing it.  We had lost our innocence.  We were already living in the real world. 

As I watched Chloe and Ciara get ready for school, I couldn't help but be jealous of them.  They had nothing to worry about.  They had never experienced tragedy or death, and I hope they never have to.  These precious little girls have been my life.  Even though they don't understand what's going on, they can sense when things aren't right.  I wish that I could have that innocence back again.  I would give anything to go back to the age they are, where the only drama revolves around who stole the crayons.  I envy my sisters because they don't have to deal with this.  My hope is that it will be a long time before they have to.  And, I hope that one day I will be able to get past this, and be able to live my life like I did before.  I would give anything to go back in time and change the way things happened.  But, I know that will never happen, and I have to accept things the way they are and learn to live with out her.

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Main / As If I Didn't Have Enough to Deal With
« on: October 21, 2008, 06:09:33 PM »
Katie's dead.  Ok I get that, but I don't have to be ok with it.  I just wish everyone would quit throwing it in my face.  I am just sick and tired of everyone trying to figure how it happened, why it happened, and who to blame.  Because almost everyone in my community blame it own me and my friends.  They keep telling us that we should have known better.  Hello, we were teenagers.  We have a hard enough time trying not to blame ourselves.  Maybe we should have known better, but we made a mistake and now we are living with the consequences.  I JUST WANT MY LIFE TO GO BACK TO NORMAL!!!!  I want everything back to the way it used to be.  And if all this isn't enough, my parents think i should be over it by now.  My mom is like get over it.  It happened 10 months ago.  But im sorry mom, I dont know if i will ever get over it.  I am only human and can't do everything.  Sorry, but I am sick and tired of living her dreams for my future.  I want to do what i want to do.  I just fear that doing what it want will upset my family.  So it's either make my family mad or be unhappy doing a job i hate for the rest of my life.  I am steal dealing with everything that happened without dealing with parents telling my goals in life.  If Katie was still alive, none of this would be happening.  We would both be in school pursuing our dreams.  And maybe people wouldn't look at us like rebellious teenagers who got our best friend killed.  Life would be normal.  But thats the hardest part of all this.  Not knowing the answers to the what-ifs.  If I could answer those questions, this would be so much easier.

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Main / Her 19th Birthday is Tomorrow
« on: October 17, 2008, 04:41:36 PM »
Well, tomorrow is Katie's 19th birthday.  Earlier today, I thought, I have to go get her a present because its her birthday.  But then, I realized that she's dead.  Wow, she will never turn 19.  She will always be 18.  All of these thoughts brought about many others.  She never graduated high school.  She will never go to college.  She will never reach the goals that she set.  She worked hard for 13 years in school, and for what?  I went through the same things that she did through school, but I am living my life.  It's just hard to believe that all that has happened since January that she never experienced and never will.  I have often tried to find someone to blame for it.  I tried blaming her, but then I realized I trusted the man killed her as much as she did.  So, if I blamed her, I would have to blame myself, which I did for a while.  Then I realized that i wasn't there, and I didn't kill her so how could I blame myself.  I tried to blame him, but for some reason, I couldn't and I don't know why.  Many people blamed her parents.  I really couldn't do that.  People said that her parents should not have allowed her to date someone older than her.  But, her parents told her to stay away from him, she just didn't listen.  None of us did.  Now, we are facing the consequences of that decision.  Now, I am left to wonder about what might of been.  What would her life have been like?  Well, sorry for rambling, but I just needed to say that.

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