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Parent Loss / It's been awhile
« on: November 28, 2014, 01:07:44 AM »
hi everyone, I'm melody. I haven't posted in a long while. But this forum helped me tremendously ... I was 32 years old when I reached out to webhealings. It was the best thing for me.  no path is linear... See..... I lost my mother sept 7th/ 2008. But my grief hit me in sept. 2011... 3 years later.... But at the time... I didn't know what the heck was going on with me... I honestly thought I was going crazy.. But the resilience in me continued to move along.. I kept wondering what was wrong with me... I didn't know how big an impact losing my mother would do to me... I was in a bad place.. Didn't know where to go , who to turn to, how to be strong.. But I was desperate.. I found a support group in the town I live, I found 2 counsellors to talk with and I found webhealings.
I have to say I really enjoyed the communications I received from this forum. I actually felt understood. I know that anyone who is here, will benefit.. I promise. I owe a lot to this forum and I know I can AlwAys come back whenever... :) love and light to you all. If anyone would like to message me, feel free. I'm here!

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Parent Loss / Re: just some thoughts
« on: December 19, 2012, 11:55:57 PM »
Hi mommysbabygirl,
I really like webhealings. I'm so glad I found this page and joined. I was never one to share or be close to others, like get really vulnerable, but as i grew older I opened up more. Best thing I can ever do for my health is let all the pain out and all the emotions as well. :)
I chose accupuncture to see it it would help me release feelings that I knew weren't surfacing, like a good cry just wasn't satisfying enough, but man, my first session, my traditional Chinese doctor didn't tell me what she was going to do or how I was going to feel, she just listened to me and what I had been going tru and she went to work.
She left me inthe room with the needles in place and honestly within 2 minutes I was bawling a deep sorrowful cry, one I hadn't ever experienced before. And I let the floodgates open. It lasted a good 10 minutes and I was feeling lighter more clear headed. Also really centered grounded and calm. It was amazing.i raved about it to my husband who just said" that's good, I'm glad " lol. He hasn't a clue. After that I was able to step back and take a good look at who I am, what I believe in, what makes me happy and everything like that. I'm a work in progress. Hope that helps you. I'd recommend anyone to acupuncture any day.
Hope all is well with you:)
Take care ((()))

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Parent Loss / Re: Mavis's Angel Date ((((( Melody )))))
« on: September 21, 2012, 04:59:30 PM »
doug and terry

 i must thank you very much for being here for me and for everyone.
means alot.
hope you are both doing as well as can be

:)

melody

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Parent Loss / Re: Mavis's Angel Date ((((( Melody )))))
« on: September 17, 2012, 02:16:24 PM »
thank you:)
 it was a good day
i went to visit my mom at the gravesite.
then went and visited some family and came home with my girls and went to sleep.
i have come along way and am proud of myself, when last year this time i was a wreck... a literal mess.
there are days that arent as fun as most but thats okay.

thanks again
 terry


melody

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Parent Loss / Re: just some thoughts
« on: September 08, 2012, 06:30:32 PM »
thank you both:)
 yes doug im pushing thru, i have come a long long way, went to crazy and back, and have really grown from this. im proud of my work. i feel stronger that i am actually starting to know "me" more. never thought id see this checkpoint, cause living this past year was a bit hellish.
i know now ive got to stop somedays and just be.not go go go and avoid.
its a new way of thinking and im thankful.

melody

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Parent Loss / Re: Birthdays and Angel Dates - NEW!
« on: September 02, 2012, 03:48:34 PM »
my mothers angel date
mavis
september 7th 2008
 thanks:)

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Parent Loss / it will be 4 years very soon
« on: September 02, 2012, 03:45:43 PM »
today marks the start of the week when we had go back home after living and caregiving for my mom for the whole summer. we had to come back home to send our eldest daughter brianna off to grade 1. i hated leaving  my moms side this day 4 years ago. in all honesty i was in denial, now i know this, that her time was coming soon, i just didnt know when or what to do. so i did what i did best, looked after my family and kept busy and didnt think about the future.
that following weekend sept 6th, my husband went on a charity horse trail ride and i went to visit my aunts. shortly after being there, her cell phone starting ringing and it was my uncle who was up at my moms with her and my dad, telling us the home nurses were saying my moms ciorculation wasnt doing well and the iv's that were in here were just backing up. and that it would be only a matter of time now...to gather together and to drive back up.. OH MY GOSH, that day i felt like i was a soldier going to battle alone... i was sooo afraid.  i think i went numb.... and just did what i could and that was breath and walk.
i went and picked my husband up and away we went, we stopped at home to get a few things for our girls and us, and i drove like a bat outta hell to my moms< a 2.5 hour drive. i made it so that i needed to drive. i knew that the Good Lord would let me travel swift, so i took advantage. im not a speed demon by anymeans and the ride was quiet, my family all slept as i motored.
when we arrived, i went straight to my mom sat on her bed beside her and grabbed her by her cheeks and told her i was here. she actually gave it her all to take a look at me, and she did, and she gave me a half smile, but i knew she knew i was there. its something i take solice in......
that nite went by and in the morning i was awoken by my dad who asked me to come to the bedroom, he told me" i dont know wehn she passed but it must have been after 5 cause i fell asleep around that time.." i just thought" huh, so this is it... shes gone? and i knew i was numb, it was a quiet morning in our home, and i just felt normal.....no emotions, just normal, calm...
i knew this day was gonna arrive but i thought if i prayed enough, god would work a miracle and keep her here on earth.... i was sooo let down that that didnt happen. cause i spent hours praying and pleading, or bargaining,, i was  so let down, i apologized to Him, and said" i need to take a break now, ive been prayin for years and now i dont want to...." the week after the 7th was soooo long and tiring.... and i never shed annnnny tears. i was numb, and playing the strong role
i cry as i write this and feel relief, that i can walk this thru with you all, what i think about some days, but mostly so now this week... ive chalked it up to the most tramatic event in my life, but i am making it thru,....
i have one question.... does anyone out there feel that life seems longer without your parenst in your lives??? like that its soooooo long to live??? its something i feel, cause id wish to have my mom in my life to make it whole again.. and wondering when i will feel my new nromal and aceept it.... sigh, sucks...

hugs to all out there

ty
mel

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Parent Loss / Re: just some thoughts
« on: August 25, 2012, 06:09:50 PM »
thanks Terry:)

i just wanted to let you know i went for an acupuncture session and it was great for releasing my emotions. it caught me off guard how well it has worked. i am going to continue getting treatments. i do find it hard to show my emotions and to actually acknowledge them. and crying is good, but not enough somedays. i honestly hate being angry cause i dont like to take it out on others, i know im human. and that emotion is neccessary. but for me, its not one i like. journalling has helped somewhat, somedays, i just want to be alone. with my thoughts.
hope you are well. i will keep in touch:)
((((((((terry)))))))
what a journey....what a journey....


melody:)

9
Parent Loss / just some thoughts
« on: August 19, 2012, 12:42:58 PM »
hello everyone:)
 Just wanted to pop in and say "hello to all"
I've been doing well, life has gotten very clear to me as I had said before. Such a strong reality for me sometimes to accept, but I work on it by affirmations. And reminders what is good in the world, like my undying love for my husband and children and family. And life is worth all the hapiness, but at some point in life, it needs to be balanced out with sadness.
I would have to say accepting is my hardest grief stage right now. But I work on it daily, and the Good Lord gives me grace and strenght and days.
I have a fear of losing more somedays, like I'm not ready right now to handle much more. If anyone else has felt that way, I'd love to hear you.
Also, I am jealous now of others who have their moms still and their lives are still bubble perfect. Well to me it looks that way, I do remind myself that we alll have our struggles, but that's what crosses my mind often when I see my happy friends. Sucks, but I just sigh and tell myself its okay, I lie and say" well, I've been thru it and it took me very deep in sorrow, and when their parents pass, I can be their for them" that's my consolation. Soooo many thoughts in this mind of mine. It will slow down right? Well I hope and pray it does.
Thanks so much for listening, I haven't posted in ahwile and its good to know I can whenever I want and feel the need. Even if its months apart. Thanks webhealing for listening, I feel much better when I write here what I don't want to explain to someone who may not know what I'm talking about or feeling.

:)
Melody

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Parent Loss / Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
« on: June 27, 2012, 09:37:54 AM »
hi laurenE

i came across this older post from you..quote`:

But I fear the next grief cycle every day.  I am vastly aware of the reality that at any moment I could get a phone call.  Every day could be my last.  Every time I see a friend could be the last time I hug them.  And as we walk away and say 'see ya later!", I know, that theres a good chance that we wont."

i relate to this, very much.
does it get easier, is this a blessing or a curse. being an optimist myself, id say its a blessing. but its still a new fear of mine. its one i dislike, i look at my husband who hasnt had a big loss in his life yet, and wish i was still happy go lucky like him, like i used to be.... sigh, oh blah de oh blah da, life goes on rightÉ :)
im glad i read your other posts, :)
thanks for posting

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Parent Loss / Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
« on: June 25, 2012, 05:19:16 PM »
thanks so much. yes i do feel like a little girl some days,( and i have little girls, :S)  its lonely i think because she was the one who always would be there for me, now i kinda struggle as to who i will turn to in other times of need. hell i just need her to answer my phone calls when my kids are driving me insane some days haha:). all these things i will never get again but i do hope someone will come into my life that i can definately lean on in tough times ahead, God forbid they come. but thats the lonely i feel. i have my husband who is great, he just really doesnt grasp the sadness that i will feel for a long while. and im kinda ticked that my life has changed. i went on for 3 years thinking i didnt need my mom, but when the grief did strike it was bad. no one was believing it could be grief including me. my husband, my dad, they were sure i should be over my loss by now. so when i did start mourning, i just thought of her and how she would make it all better. i feel kinda jaded towards life now. somedays it makes me want to sieze the day ,other days i want to just stay in, and just stay safe. i went thru paranoia, thinking i didnt want to leave this life yet, i felt that i was next in line to die. that finally subsided but i never thought that way before my mom died or even after until it hit me that i miss her, i need her, she needs to be here. it was alll very very scary and horrible, but i survived. and it comes and goes. unfortunately i got some bad news today, ugh. my uncle's son, my cousin, has passed away this morning from an overdose. he was almost 30. i feel for me and my unlce at this time, he was his only son and child. so today was spent hating living in an unpredictble world, and having to hurt. i cant imagine...... so i sighed alot today as i went about my life with my girls. husband is away at work for 4 more days, of course he would be away.:S but it has detered me from my sad feelings of my mom, which i dunno, is okay, im sure it is, my uncle will need me in a few days and i would like to be okay for that. thanks for just reaffirming my feelings. i dont write all that often but i do go see a counsellor who i speak to as much as i can get there.

thanks again, :)

12
Parent Loss / The loneliness... Sucks..
« on: June 24, 2012, 11:13:24 PM »
Hello all, so it will be 4years this coming sept 7th that I have lost my mom. Although I just started grieving last October , it has definitely taken me on a ride emotionally.
 The last few months have been really good, crying, like I have said before, helps me immensely, what a relief I feel after a good cry.
I wanted to just tell a quick story, last Thursday my husbands aunt passed away, and she left behind 3children, one who just delivered her baby 2 days before her mom passed,  so as we got the news, it hurt me so much, even though we aren't all that close, I felt such sadness for her family. It just really hit home again, and I would give out a little tear here and there but nothing major, even though I wanted to just yell and scream at how unfair life can be sometimes. But I didn't. There I went bottling up my emotions cause frankly I don't like giving them my time. Well the sad emotions tire me out. Finally today,anxiety was creeping up on me I could feel it, I was trying to be calm, keep busy, but the loneliness that I feel somedays is..... Well very uncomfortable , it makes me want to avoid it. I had to text a friend and ask her if she feels lonely often , cause she too has lost her mother 6years ago. I just want reassurance that this too will get easier, not go away, just get easier.i know that times in my life something is gonna trigger off a sad day, I have to accept that, I'm not all whole anymore, my mom is gone for now, I can't change that , I just really hate days like these. Maybe I will get more used to my feelings and accept them as well.
I really just feel I need that someone to watch me cry and say to me" there there yourgona be okay"
So this evening, I went to my living room where my kids were playing and I let the dam  break and flow, I am tired of crying alone, even if my little girls can help me a tiny bit by saying " why r u crying mom?" just so I can say to them" well I miss my mommy and it hurts, but it's okay, I'm gonna be okay, im always gonna miss my mom and I'll be fine, I just have to let some tears fall" they all hugged me and I decided to show em my moms photo albums of our littlefamily, it really did help me tremendously to just release, why we have to do that so often , I haven't a clue, its good, but shows up when ya don't want to be down, like today, it was a raining gloomy day, blah!!
Thanks so much for listening. :) :)

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Parent Loss / Re: it ebbs and flows?
« on: April 23, 2012, 11:45:14 AM »
Melody, I'm so happy to see you post. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. It sounds like you're doing as good as can be expected.

I'm glad hubby's home again. It sounds like you had a good time even though you had too many drinks. Don't be too hard on yourself for the hangover. It happens. At least you got to go out dancing.

I'm glad to hear from you, and I'm doing ok these days. Like you said, it ebbs and flows. Right now's pretty good, though. I hope you keep getting better, too.
((((((((Melody))))))))

Doug


hi there Doug. yes i am well ,thanks,  although the feelings became more intense today, i got some out and cried. crying does help me lots. its like i have to release often just to keep sane. otherwise im irritated and then i get sad. i know not eveyone will go thru exactly what i am feeling, but just to have anyone acknowledge my feelings is good enough. i hate to cry, for me it seems unnatural cause i havent cried in so long and when im doing well i hate to start over again, well thats what it feels like... 2 steps forward 3 steps back, but nonetheless, progress, cause i know what to expect and know why im feeling this way. acceptance is the hardest part. and i thought i was such and accepting person. guess this will make me a better person in the long run.its just really hard to always come back to the feelings again.but each time they mean something different. i must of had a lot of thoughts up in this head of mine while i watched my mom slowly decline then die, well actually its become very clear i did. im just voicing all of those feeling now. who knew we were made this way. i didnt, up until now. thanks for your understanding. hope all is well with you and your family:)
thanks for the reply.

melody

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Parent Loss / it ebbs and flows?
« on: April 22, 2012, 12:21:21 PM »
hello all.
well as the topic says, grief ebbs and flows. what that means i still have yet to accept. i can go for a few weeks without tears and have hope again for my future and am not so sad, but just within the last couple of days it has slowly made its sad appearance again. i miss my mom again. although this time i feel homesick and low. not enough to really bring me down, just a nagging feeling of sadness that is here to accept. i hate having to accept the finality of my moms death and how it has forever changed me. ive learned so much about who i am in the past 7 months , my grief has broken my heart and hopes of what i used to believe in. i admit i was super nieve to think life wasnt hard. i always wanted it to be easy, but to lose your mom, your support, your friend who loved you no matter what.... is just so so hard and sad.

i knew that my feelings were creeping up again the last few days and wanted to forget about them. also my husband was getting home from work this past few days and we decided to go out dancing to celebrate his belated birthday. we had a great time and way too many drinks, and a hangover later, i feel worse than ever about drinking and it makes it no better for my feelings.
i was getting sick in the toilet and felt sooooo guilty for drinking that my mom who didnt choose cancer had to undergo treatment with chemo and didnt choose to get sick all day yet i self inflicted my sickness, ugh i just felt guilty, guilty guilty, for even getting another day of life, when she fought for her life!! what a shitty lesson to learn that maybe drinking can wait until ive gotten ahold of whatever it is im trying to get ahold of. i understand my feelings are sensitve even when they arent showing. i have been doing great these days, but for a long while i have learned that i need to cry lots and often, and if i dont well its gonna show up unexoectedly, i just know im fighting it somedays. i got to stop doing that.
but other than that, life has been good to me so far, i really hope all of you out in grief land are getting some much needed breaks from your sadness, even if for a split second, a smile or happy thought is yours.
thanks for listening.


melody

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Parent Loss / Re: Mel & Ros/chat room times
« on: March 23, 2012, 07:18:49 AM »
ok thanks! i will def try to remember the times. thanks so much:)

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