Show Posts
This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
1
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: November 07, 2008, 06:43:30 PM »
Daughter's testing all came back negative. Thank God. Swear sometimes doctor's just over react, but then that's probably a good thing. Just glad to not have to face another battle with the unknown. My daughter is so relieved.
2
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: November 05, 2008, 02:45:28 PM »
Might need the support of this site again. Hope not. Doctor's found a lump in my daughter's breast and they are doing a complete cancer test on her tomorrow. She's only 26 with a son age 3. Trying to be positive for now. Don't even want to venture into the darker realms of cancer again.
3
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: October 26, 2008, 09:24:36 PM »
I have no idea what I would do without this site to at least put my emotions out there for someone to look at. None of us are alone and we all have such similar stories. Yet, with those stories comes hope of which I've had the pleasure to experience.
Cancer is a medical windfall profit issue. Drug companies have a vested interest in not finding a cure. Why would they...hell it cost over $1.5 Million for my wife's treatments.
Yea, I'm pissed...and yea...the records are now in the hands of the best malpractice firm in the state. Something is really wrong with the medical profession...and guess what...there are lots of us entering retirement and will need more medical attention...hum...think it will be done right?
I'm OK. But there are too many stories now about similar situations that everyone needs to be more alert and tell others the same.
Cancer needs to be cured...not just treated...doesn't work!!!
Cancer is a medical windfall profit issue. Drug companies have a vested interest in not finding a cure. Why would they...hell it cost over $1.5 Million for my wife's treatments.
Yea, I'm pissed...and yea...the records are now in the hands of the best malpractice firm in the state. Something is really wrong with the medical profession...and guess what...there are lots of us entering retirement and will need more medical attention...hum...think it will be done right?
I'm OK. But there are too many stories now about similar situations that everyone needs to be more alert and tell others the same.
Cancer needs to be cured...not just treated...doesn't work!!!
4
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: October 21, 2008, 07:00:49 PM »
How do I handle this. Requested all my wife's medical records now that there is cancer in the family and wanted them in case the kids ever needed them. Just didn't want the history archived as stomach cancer is so raw.
Well, I got home tonight and was going through the records from our primary doctor having no idea what I was looking at and just stopped on one of the pages. In front of me was a report from an ultra sound back in 2002. It stated on the results that my wife had displayed the indications of gastrointestinal meticitis disease(cancer). That was 5 years ago!!!! And our doctor since then has ignored all my wife's complaints about her stomach since. And the last time she went in to talk about it he told her it was all in her HEAD!!!
I am so $&^##@#^% mad!!! No wonder she was stage 4(hell she was higher that that) when they finally found it...only because I told her to tell the doctor she had a hernia so he would send her for a test.
Tomorrow I contact a lawyer. This is so wrong. They found it 5 years ago and my wife would still be here today...but our doctor was having problems with his marriage, kids, divorce, new love and new marriage. That's all the idiot talked about when my wife went in. Then he just blew off her problems.
I can't believe this. My wife should not be dead. What this is doing to me now. She should be alive now. Oh GOD!
Well, I got home tonight and was going through the records from our primary doctor having no idea what I was looking at and just stopped on one of the pages. In front of me was a report from an ultra sound back in 2002. It stated on the results that my wife had displayed the indications of gastrointestinal meticitis disease(cancer). That was 5 years ago!!!! And our doctor since then has ignored all my wife's complaints about her stomach since. And the last time she went in to talk about it he told her it was all in her HEAD!!!
I am so $&^##@#^% mad!!! No wonder she was stage 4(hell she was higher that that) when they finally found it...only because I told her to tell the doctor she had a hernia so he would send her for a test.
Tomorrow I contact a lawyer. This is so wrong. They found it 5 years ago and my wife would still be here today...but our doctor was having problems with his marriage, kids, divorce, new love and new marriage. That's all the idiot talked about when my wife went in. Then he just blew off her problems.
I can't believe this. My wife should not be dead. What this is doing to me now. She should be alive now. Oh GOD!
5
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: October 17, 2008, 04:04:30 PM »
Well I'm back and it was the best thing I could have done. Now have a new outlook on life and feel free of some many bad images that I had before. I would tell everyone to take time for themselves...not just a few days...but real time for yourself. For me it repaired a lot of the pain and lack of faith in life.
But without this site and all you wonderful people out there, I would have had no starting point to this recovery process. Thanks folks.
But without this site and all you wonderful people out there, I would have had no starting point to this recovery process. Thanks folks.
6
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: August 25, 2008, 05:23:02 PM »
To all you special people out there....thank you.
Had to make a decision and I hope it is the right one. Just too many triggers around here from the flower garden my kids made for Nancy, the robe and slippers that I just moved out of the bed room, visiting the same stores that we did together and traveling the same road everyday as though I was on my way back to the hospital. Nothing is helping right now and my emotions are in a tail spin.
So tomorrow I leave town for 2 months. Took a leave from work(hate it now) and go to NE for 2 weeks to visit family and friends, then off to Brazil as some co-workers have talked me into coming. Be there for 2 weeks then will stop in FL to visit more family.
Will this work??? Have to try. Leaving computer behind. Don't like the environment I'm in now. Too many pains to endure each day as I see her things all over the house. Even thinking about selling the house...so that's why I need to get away...making some rash decisions recently and that's just not me.
My grief is all consuming and I've given myself up to the fact that I need to feel it and work it. Too many nights of no sleep as well. Guilt, pain, remorse, loss, pity...you name it...they control me at different parts of the day. So...I'm out of here. Feel like I'm running away and maybe I am....but I need time out of this environment of emotional triggers.
Bless everyone on this site. I'll miss all of you. Later.
Had to make a decision and I hope it is the right one. Just too many triggers around here from the flower garden my kids made for Nancy, the robe and slippers that I just moved out of the bed room, visiting the same stores that we did together and traveling the same road everyday as though I was on my way back to the hospital. Nothing is helping right now and my emotions are in a tail spin.
So tomorrow I leave town for 2 months. Took a leave from work(hate it now) and go to NE for 2 weeks to visit family and friends, then off to Brazil as some co-workers have talked me into coming. Be there for 2 weeks then will stop in FL to visit more family.
Will this work??? Have to try. Leaving computer behind. Don't like the environment I'm in now. Too many pains to endure each day as I see her things all over the house. Even thinking about selling the house...so that's why I need to get away...making some rash decisions recently and that's just not me.
My grief is all consuming and I've given myself up to the fact that I need to feel it and work it. Too many nights of no sleep as well. Guilt, pain, remorse, loss, pity...you name it...they control me at different parts of the day. So...I'm out of here. Feel like I'm running away and maybe I am....but I need time out of this environment of emotional triggers.
Bless everyone on this site. I'll miss all of you. Later.
7
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: August 22, 2008, 02:18:41 PM »
Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my thread. I'll be moving on now to a support group. Will still visit every now and then.
Bless everyone on this site and may everyone find peace and happiness again. It made a big difference for me.
Till later....bye everyone.
Bless everyone on this site and may everyone find peace and happiness again. It made a big difference for me.
Till later....bye everyone.
8
Main / Re: Cruel Cancer
« on: August 13, 2008, 09:52:33 PM »
Back to work, trying to live a life again....but saying it's a struggle is putting it mildly. Live in NC but work for a division in CA. Finally did another first and went on a business trip back to the lab to get back into the work game. Good and bad. Folks really missed me and many asked where I had been. Did ok but broke down as people pushed till I told them what happened. Some were kidding as they had no idea till I just stated my wife died and walked away. Some were great and just gave me a chance to talk which I did. Felt that I needed to explain and apologize for not being in the work game. Did some healing as the caring was real and I was able to reconnect.
So a good day...till I had to deal with customers in the evening. Have a little cancer symbol that I pin on my collar of my shirt which I've done for 8 months. Became second nature and I never thought anything of it till tonight. During a good business discussion, one of the folks asked about it. I was ok for a bit explaining that it was for my wife. Then of course folks feel bad for you and ask more questions which caused me to give cause and time it took. Guess I was ok as I had to appear strong in front of customers that I deal with. So I guess I mastered my emotions for stupid business reasons till I left them...went to my hotel room and had another total break down.
Have to keep trying to move forward. Should I continue to wear the cancer symbol pin? Will this always trigger emotional pain as people ask? Time will tell but for now I will continue to display the symbol because to me it's like a medal of honor in tribute to the strong individuals who have had and are currently fighting the most horrifying struggle in life. Maybe my story will horrify folks with the fear and understanding that not enough is being done to fund research for this decimating disease. Maybe it's my mission to give people a view into what cancel is all about. If I cry...so be it...but I won't back down from it or treat it as a simple disease. Everyone says...oh cancer...how bad....but they have no idea just how bad it is...maybe next time they will think about making a donation.
I will wear the pin with pride as a means to cause awareness no matter what emotional pain I might endure as I state my story. A symbol of my wife's valor in the face of death that I will always wear with honor, pride, love and sadness. Cancel is not trivial.
So a good day...till I had to deal with customers in the evening. Have a little cancer symbol that I pin on my collar of my shirt which I've done for 8 months. Became second nature and I never thought anything of it till tonight. During a good business discussion, one of the folks asked about it. I was ok for a bit explaining that it was for my wife. Then of course folks feel bad for you and ask more questions which caused me to give cause and time it took. Guess I was ok as I had to appear strong in front of customers that I deal with. So I guess I mastered my emotions for stupid business reasons till I left them...went to my hotel room and had another total break down.
Have to keep trying to move forward. Should I continue to wear the cancer symbol pin? Will this always trigger emotional pain as people ask? Time will tell but for now I will continue to display the symbol because to me it's like a medal of honor in tribute to the strong individuals who have had and are currently fighting the most horrifying struggle in life. Maybe my story will horrify folks with the fear and understanding that not enough is being done to fund research for this decimating disease. Maybe it's my mission to give people a view into what cancel is all about. If I cry...so be it...but I won't back down from it or treat it as a simple disease. Everyone says...oh cancer...how bad....but they have no idea just how bad it is...maybe next time they will think about making a donation.
I will wear the pin with pride as a means to cause awareness no matter what emotional pain I might endure as I state my story. A symbol of my wife's valor in the face of death that I will always wear with honor, pride, love and sadness. Cancel is not trivial.
9
Main / Re: Newly Widowed
« on: August 11, 2008, 03:56:52 PM »
I know how you feel. I watched my wife of 33 years take her last breath on June 27th. Stomach cancer. 9 months trying to win the battle when we knew from the beginning that it was stage 4. My wife and I never admitted to not winning the battle. Right up to the last few days, my wife kept trying to live. Poor girl spent most all of her time in the hospital since January.
My wife was in perfect health and was only 56. But while I suffer in extreme emotional pain with all their variations, I try to remember how strong my wife was and how she always said to me...this is the hand that was dealt to us so we need to play it out. So i try to vision her horrible battle compared to mine...she showed me strength...and somehow I need to draw on that and find a new purpose in life.
Everything means little and is insignificant. Crying erupts without notice. My job....hate it but am trying. Travel a lot but only for a few days at a time. Just came to CA for a week...guess what...I've spent all my time in the hotel room crying as all I want to do is get back home...she feels so far away and I need to go home and hide. That's just how I feel...but I know tomorrow I'll start the day with a cry yet resolve to push myself to defeat this inner demon. My wife hardly ever cried even during her worst periods...so I need to follow in those footsteps. Won't be easy...never will....but without meeting this challenge up front....I'd have no reason to live....and many days I cry asking GOD to take me...then I stop and think...no not yet...I need to prepare for it and give this world one last ounce of effort to see if I can make a difference.
Hope these experiences of others help you during your critical periods. I too am going a grief group next month. Go to this site http://www.griefshare.org/ and then search to see if there is a group in your area...there should be. Don't know if it will....put I'm willing to try everything to help me through this. This site has been a great start for me.
My wife was in perfect health and was only 56. But while I suffer in extreme emotional pain with all their variations, I try to remember how strong my wife was and how she always said to me...this is the hand that was dealt to us so we need to play it out. So i try to vision her horrible battle compared to mine...she showed me strength...and somehow I need to draw on that and find a new purpose in life.
Everything means little and is insignificant. Crying erupts without notice. My job....hate it but am trying. Travel a lot but only for a few days at a time. Just came to CA for a week...guess what...I've spent all my time in the hotel room crying as all I want to do is get back home...she feels so far away and I need to go home and hide. That's just how I feel...but I know tomorrow I'll start the day with a cry yet resolve to push myself to defeat this inner demon. My wife hardly ever cried even during her worst periods...so I need to follow in those footsteps. Won't be easy...never will....but without meeting this challenge up front....I'd have no reason to live....and many days I cry asking GOD to take me...then I stop and think...no not yet...I need to prepare for it and give this world one last ounce of effort to see if I can make a difference.
Hope these experiences of others help you during your critical periods. I too am going a grief group next month. Go to this site http://www.griefshare.org/ and then search to see if there is a group in your area...there should be. Don't know if it will....put I'm willing to try everything to help me through this. This site has been a great start for me.
10
Main / Re: Firsts
« on: August 08, 2008, 03:17:48 PM »
Kevin, it doesn't get easier. My wife was struggling from cancer since October of last year. Her first operation was in Jan and since that time she was only home 6 weeks. We never wanted to face death, yet life has a way of moving in directions we don't want it to.
I spent everyday with her when she was in the hospital....at least 10-12 hours...then went home. Today I feel guilty that I didn't spend 24 hours a day with her. The pain, hurt and questions in her life were so much more than my suffering. Her example of living is what is carrying me on. She left a major impression on many people and my mission now is to find a way to emulate her love and life.
I'm still in a state of shock and denial. To see my wife so healthy then come up with stage 4 cancer was just too much for either of us to handle. Still profoundly confused by the suddenness of her disease and death.
First, I'm still working through some many things from account closures to medical bills. Firsts to me are just getting up in the morning each day to face the fact that I have to walk in the closet, dress and see all her clothes there. Firsts are just watching the sun come up everyday to know that your best friend can't share it. Have no idea how it can get easier. I only know that my agony is so much less than my wife's. She never accepted death nor never said goodbye. So with that, I need to find strength like she had to carry on.
Can I do this? Only in time with many stumbles.
I spent everyday with her when she was in the hospital....at least 10-12 hours...then went home. Today I feel guilty that I didn't spend 24 hours a day with her. The pain, hurt and questions in her life were so much more than my suffering. Her example of living is what is carrying me on. She left a major impression on many people and my mission now is to find a way to emulate her love and life.
I'm still in a state of shock and denial. To see my wife so healthy then come up with stage 4 cancer was just too much for either of us to handle. Still profoundly confused by the suddenness of her disease and death.
First, I'm still working through some many things from account closures to medical bills. Firsts to me are just getting up in the morning each day to face the fact that I have to walk in the closet, dress and see all her clothes there. Firsts are just watching the sun come up everyday to know that your best friend can't share it. Have no idea how it can get easier. I only know that my agony is so much less than my wife's. She never accepted death nor never said goodbye. So with that, I need to find strength like she had to carry on.
Can I do this? Only in time with many stumbles.
11
Main / Re: A Year later
« on: August 05, 2008, 03:17:52 PM »
I've touched nothing. Bath robe, slippers, tooth brush, books...everything is still in the same place when they took her out of the house to the hospital. Have moved nothing and won't for a long time. Only item I touched was her purse but put that back in the same place as well.
Won't be ready to do this for a while...still in the process of removing her from all accounts, credit cards, car registrations, insurance....that's painful enough for at least 6 months. Will not just wipe her out of existence till I fully understand how to proceed with dignity.
Won't be ready to do this for a while...still in the process of removing her from all accounts, credit cards, car registrations, insurance....that's painful enough for at least 6 months. Will not just wipe her out of existence till I fully understand how to proceed with dignity.
12
Main / Re: CHAT ROOM
« on: August 04, 2008, 03:13:49 PM »
Without the chat room, I had no wheres else to look for relief. Got involved with the chat and I have to say, it took my mind into a different place that was a comfort. With all the pain that each of us are going through, it's nice to have a break and mix in some human companionship and humor to get things in perspective.
Love everyone that has been in the chats....haven't been on line for a few days as my mental state is whacked out and I just don't want to be silent when I join. However, the folks in the chat room understand....you don't always have to type....just watch the conversation and speak up when needed. The subject matter of the discussions flows with each person's thoughts.
Great folks out there.
Love everyone that has been in the chats....haven't been on line for a few days as my mental state is whacked out and I just don't want to be silent when I join. However, the folks in the chat room understand....you don't always have to type....just watch the conversation and speak up when needed. The subject matter of the discussions flows with each person's thoughts.
Great folks out there.
13
Main / Re: wierd coincidence??
« on: August 04, 2008, 03:04:02 PM »
At least you have mother nature to keep you occupied. I'm finding that just wondering about the magic of nature and watching it day by day has helped me. Wife loved bird feeders of which I got her 5 and now I keep them stocked and sit by the same window that my wife did and just enjoy the birds, sky and just everything else about the day at hand. Helps me through the day and seems to somehow give me peace.
14
Main / Re: A Year later
« on: August 01, 2008, 06:24:13 PM »
No Donna....I get this now and think that I'll have the same premonitions many years into the future. Think they are triggers from some recent event. Have been reading some books about life after death. Many of them state that there are different plains that one travels in the afterlife. Many remain behind to finish up things undone. It sounds like he is still with you to ensure that your trying time after his death is resolved and you are able to carry on. I feel my wife every day as I know that there were many things that she needed to make sure were addressed.
Grab the moment as I do...whether dream or feeling. Don't know if it's real...but one has to believe in something.
Grab the moment as I do...whether dream or feeling. Don't know if it's real...but one has to believe in something.
15
Main / Re: Is it normal not to feel hungry?
« on: July 31, 2008, 07:39:43 PM »
Guess it must be normal. Have lost 20lbs since going through my wife's ordeal(8 months ago). Eat what I can, but the desire has definitely slowed. Guess part of it is trying to stay busy then forgetting to eat as it would mean time to think.