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Messages - Kevins Sister

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Sibling Loss / Re: Bad day.
« on: November 15, 2008, 10:53:03 AM »
Thank you very much. I can see that I am suffering from depression and I know that before my bro passed away I was what you would call the social butterfly. My sister being in the same mood as I am alot of the time did go to her doctor. We are a very close family. We did everything together, my family and I, and this loss of our brother has hit my family sooooo hard that it seems that we all are in the same mind set. So anyway my sister went to her doctor and they prescribed her welbutrin(spelling ?) and she said that it was very good but had to stop taking it because it gave her chest pains. I do know that maybe with counseling and meds I will be able to start feeling myself again, but the problem is I just feel most of the time that I can't be bothered to get up and do it. The only thing that keeps me up and out of the house is my 2 year old son. That seems to be the only reason I really want to get out of the house at all. Thank you for your advice and I know that I have to do that .

Sibling Loss / Re: Bad day.
« on: November 14, 2008, 08:27:07 AM »
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know that the beginning it seems so strange that none of this can be real. I still think that everyday. I cannot believe that I will never see my bro again. All I know is that nothng seems the same. Again I am so sorry for your loss.

Sibling Loss / Bad day.
« on: November 13, 2008, 08:50:48 PM »
I am having a really bad day here. All day my wonderful brother Kev has been on my mind. Who am I kidding, he seems to always be on my mind. My brother has been gone 6 months this month and I can't believe that it has already been six months. It just still seems so crazy for me. And ever since I seem to have fallen into a terrible depression. I have not left my house in months, except to go to work. I haven't gone anywhere else. I get my sister in law to go food shopping for me once a week and my husband to do all other errands for me. I have not seen any of my friends barely all I want to do is either sit on my couch and watch t.v. or sleep. I find myself going to beed earlier and earlier. From 10 to 8 now to 7. And sleeping for 12 hours. I am so darn tired. I have not called any of my friends or talked to anyone besides my husband, sister, or 2 brother's. My twin brother Tom who lived with my brother Kev and was the one who found Kev dead in his bedroom is at my house every night because he doesn't want to be alone either. He lives with his girlfriend but says he feels the most comfortable with me at my house, he just started counseling which is  a great thing for him,I think if anyone needs it he does. He walked in and found the guy he looks up to more than anything like that. I have these 2 friends who live down the street from me, they are husband and wife and I used to walk down to their house every night almost to watch our prime time shows. Well I have been in such a funk and having a bad couple of months I have not been able to get over there as much as they want me to. They keep calling and saying "what you don't like us", are you mad at us, constantly making me feel bad about not going over there. I keep telling them , no this has nothing to do with you. I am just having a bad time of it. I have found myself constantly defending myself, I have also written many emails to them explaining everything and she said oh I understand. Well that understanding seemed to last about a week before they started over again. They keep giving me a hard time about not coming over there. I mean I already feel bad as it is. Then on Halloween I was taking my son trick o treating and stopped by their house. Probably the first time I had gotten out of the house in a long time. They asked me what I was doing that night. My brother Kev had/has a best friend that is also having a hard time. She called me and asked me to come over to her house that she was really having a bad time. If anyone knows how we are feeling she is one of them, she loved my brother Kev very much, so anyway I told them that. A couple of days later my brother Tom is taking my 2 year old son for a walk and she stops him and says, We don't here from your sister anymore, she doesn't like us, what did we ever do to her. She went over to Lorie's on Halloween and didn't come by our house, I guess your sister picked who her friend is. Now if anyone can help me with this please do. Is that not the craziest thing in the world. Is the point of all their complaints about them. The most used word in their complaints are, us, we, us, we, me, me, me. I mean my god. I feel like I am drowning here in sadness. My husbands father is dying from lung cancer, he has 6 months to live. My husband and I have to take him to daily radiation and monthly chemo. My wonderful, loving, kind, caring brother is gone. I will never get to see him ever again! My mother in law who along with my father in law are like parents to me passed away last year. Is it me? Am I being a terrible person?
When  they were having a tough year when the husband had back surgery right around the time that their daughter was getting married, who is also a good friend of mine, I was there for her everyday. I took her grocery shopping every other day, Took her to her doctor's appt., paid for some of the stuff for the wedding shower because I knew that money was tight for them because he was on disability. Am I wrong to ask for them to be there for me at this time when I am in so much pain and to understand that I am just not up to doing anything right now. That to just bear with me until I start to feel alittle better. I just can't believe it. My sister is so mad at them because she says they think the world revolves around them. I don't know what to think. Maybe someone can give me advice. And maybe let me know if this feeling that I have of not wanting to do anything and always sad will ever start to at least lift alittle. I know that I am in some sort of depression. I have know these friends of mine for a very long time.

Sibling Loss / Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« on: July 15, 2008, 08:23:46 AM »
I have that same feeling. Sometimes I wonder if people are tired of hearing me talk about him. And my brother Tom who my brother Kevin was living with found Kev and I know he is suffering so much because everytime he closes his eyes he sees him like that and that is so hard so I will have to say I am glad I didn't get to see him until the service but I also have a 2 year old son and am so sad that he only way he will ever know Kev is thorug memories and talking about him. Kev loved to play with my son and it does make me so angry taht sometimes I just want to break something and I also thought that if I had one more minute but then I think to myself will that ever be enough because I will want another minute and then another.

Sibling Loss / Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« on: July 07, 2008, 09:35:10 AM »
Well we had our 4th of July party, my other brother was born on the 4th so we had a littl eparty and it was so so so hard to have all the brother's and sister's there. My brother Tom, my brother steve (the birthday boy) my sister Julie and me but there was one missing. Oh god it was so hard I can't even explain it but I know that everyone on this board will understand. My mom and dad live in Florida, mom in Sarasota and Dad in Ft. lauderdale and they always call during the party (because we always have one) to takl to Steve. Usually Kev would call too, because he also lived in Florida but he was here for the last year, which I have to thank god for every day that he brought him back here for the year before he died. Well I was sitting on the porch in the back yard and Tommy, my brother, called out to steve and said you have someone on the phone and he says "who is it?" I say oh it's probably dad, or , mom, or........  i almost said Kev it almost slipped out. And of course then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I went to bed last night and closed my eyes and imagined the party but with Kev there. I played it all out in my head. I was cooking at the stove and in walks my sister Julie and her kids and we hug and say hi, then walks in my brother Tom, his girlfriend and my brother Kev. I imagined him walking up to me and saying Heeey! What's going on? Then I had to stop because it felt like my chest was going to explode there was so much pressure there. I just wanted to thank you all for listening to me, I feel like besides my sister and 2 other brother's that here is the only place where people understand where I am coming from. I miss him so much and still think, how could you be gone Kev. How am I supposed to process in my head that I will never see you again.

Sibling Loss / Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« on: July 03, 2008, 11:25:45 AM »
And Luvinmike I am so sorry about your husband.

Sibling Loss / Re: 2 months since my brother has been gone
« on: July 03, 2008, 11:24:46 AM »
Thank you lostwithouthim and luvin mike.
I pray every night before I go to bed, Kev, please let me dream of you. It just seems like forever since I have heard his voice, when it has only been two months. But it never happens. I am sure when you want something so bad to happen it doesn't happen and I just have to be patient but it is so hard. I just miss him so much. I can't make it through the day without thinking about him all the time. I feel like my heart, and mind and soul just hurt all the time. We were a family of 5 now only four and we are having a 4th of July party and it will feel so empty without him there. He loved when we had barbq's those were his favirote times when he could spend time with his family on a warm sunny day barbqing all afternoon laughing with his family and being with us and now we will never be complete again. We will always have something missing. And sometimes the pain of it does bring me to my knees, I will be sitting there and all of a sudden I just can't move. I can't breathe. My mom is wondering when the grief will lift enough for her to beable to breathe. My sister and I were so desperate for anything we can learn about him that we went to a physic just to see if she could tell us anything. She was really good and said that we just lost someone, he is not here with but he is with you, he is your gardian angel and I thought oh maybe this will make me fell better. But it didn't. Nothing does. I just can't believe taht he is gone. We are such a close family, we were all each other had when my dad left. My mom. my 3 brother's and my sister. It was always us and I jsut miss him so much. Sorry about the long post.

Sibling Loss / 2 months since my brother has been gone
« on: July 02, 2008, 01:21:54 PM »
Well it is 2 months today that my brother Kev has been gone and it seem slike it has been forever. I miss him so much. Everyday I wake up and say to myself, I can't believe he's gone. I just can't believe it. I keep thinking any minute now I am going to wake up and this is going to be a bad dream but everyday I wake up and have to try to get through the day. I at least now can wait till I get home from work to cry instead of going into the bathroom. Oh, god I just miss him so much. And my mother just keeps thinking she can't believe that her son is no longer of this earth.July 4th is coming up and we always have a big famliy barbq an dhe won't be there. He was so looking forward to the summer. He had come from Florida, after living there for so long, and was really down because of the winter. But summer was finally coming and we would have barbqed all the time and now we are not complete. I miss him so much.

Sibling Loss / Re: My Brother, My Friend.
« on: June 06, 2008, 01:32:39 PM »
And it is also strange lostwithouthim but my brother and I were also 6 six years apart like you and your brother I am 31 and he was 37.

Sibling Loss / Re: My Brother, My Friend.
« on: June 06, 2008, 01:29:15 PM »
That is so funny that you say that because I had directed my sister (Ray) to this site and I posted something and then she posted something and she has said she was going to ask that question about all the good people getting taken away and all the bad people staying here but decide not to. So it's like you took the words right out of our mouths. we often keep saying that to each other. We will here something bad or see it on t.v. and say to each other, "And that person is here and Kev's gone?" I know what you mean and I see that we are on the same thinking patterns' why 2 good men have been taken from us and we are left here to deal with all thsi sadness and grief. Sorry for rambling. And as it was with you and your brother, my sister and I and my brother's have always said before we hang up or leave, "I Love You" The last time I saw Kev, 3 days before he passed away as usual when he was leaving  we kissed goodbye and said I  love you which me and my family members do each and everytime which I am thankful for now.

Sibling Loss / Re: I just lost my brother Kevin
« on: June 06, 2008, 01:23:06 PM »
Thank you. I feel the same way about my brother that. It sounds like your brother was very special to you as mine was to me. I just miss him so much and every day I keep getting up and keep trying to make it through the day and sometimes it is just so hard. Yes, my family and I like your will never ever be the same. i am scared to see what is going to happen during family holidays and get togethers which we always had. And I am already thinking about February when his birthday comes. It's so weird I can barely think how I am going to get through each day but at the same time keep thinking how am I going to get through all the othe times. I am so sorry about your brother, I go to bed every night praying please Kev let me have a dream of you just once so I can see your handsome, smiling face again just once. But it does not happen and I know I need to relax and be patient and it will happen but I just want to see him so bad. A couple people that I know said they have had a dream of him and I keep thinking, those *******, I want to see him so bad and I can't. I am so jealous of them. But either way I know even if I do see him once will never be enough, I know I will want another time and then another. And I just wish I could tell him one more time how much I love him and will miss him everyday of my life. Thank you for responding and your kind words. And your brother sounds alot like mine. A good man! No matter what he did he always had a true and open heart.

Sibling Loss / Re: My Brother, My Friend.
« on: June 05, 2008, 06:22:37 PM »
He really was a shining star. I never ever heard him say one bad word, whenever I would say that person is crazy or something he would say, oh Ang they have a good heart. I am going to miss him. I too wish I could tell him what a special person he was and what a difference he made in my life and other people's life. Everyone loved Kev from the moment they met him, we loved him his whole life and I miss him too.

Sibling Loss / I just lost my brother Kevin
« on: June 05, 2008, 01:38:41 PM »
May 1st 2008 my wonderful, kind, caring, loving, non judgemental, funny, handsome brother died. He had a battle with drugs for many. many years and he tried so hard to beat it but in the end it won. There were 5 of us. We were a very close group. My sister Julie, my brother Steve, and my twin brother Tom are so devestated and I am finding it so incrediabley hard to accept and cope with this. Kevin was a wonderful guy if not for his demon's and he suffered with those for a long time but you would never have known it to look at him. He was always there for anyone that needed him. And he always had a big beautiful smile on his face. Last year I had my gall bladder removed right after having a baby and he came over early morning and took care of me for 8 hours a day for 4 days until my husband would come home at night. Even thought he had to work all night. He would take care of me all day, make me breakfast in bed, watch movies, took me to the doctor 3 times, then left to work 8 hours over night till 7:00am and was back at my house at 8:30 to take care of me. That is just one example of the many, many, many wonderful things my loving big brother did for his family. My dad had left early when we were kids so it was only the 5 of us. We stuck together no matter what with my mom, who is a wonderful ray of light to our family we always came through. Now there will always be an empty chair at the table or a smiling face missing at the family barbq's my brother loved so much. He had been gone living in Florida for about 10 years but not a day goes by that we did not talk to one or the other sibling. I just don't know how to handle this. I really don't. Sometimes I feel so much rage of such intensity that I want to scream or throw something. mY twin brother who he was living with is broken almost beyond repair. I just wish so much that I could see him one more time. When Kev walked in to a room and saw me or my sister the first thing he would say to us was, "hey Beautiful", each time and now I will never hear him say that again never hear him saying, "Just drinking my cooffee," in a New York accent when I call him on Sunday mornings to have coffee talk. There were some good times and yes some bad times but the good times outweighed the bad times so much. I am so sorry for the long post, I just had to get some of this out I feel like the pain and sorrow and grief is sometimes eating me up and I can barely breathe. But thank you for letting me post here. Sorry about the long post.

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