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Messages - Rebecca

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1
Child Loss / Re: Making others uncomfortable
« on: October 14, 2013, 02:12:21 PM »
Yes, after 8 years I can easily tell the signs from others.   They look away... get antsy... I talk about Jason anyway...we have "lost" friends because, because I am really not sure.  One couple just stopped talking to us as did my own sister.  I am better off without them and it does not bother me.

2
Child Loss / Jason's Mom - 2/13/2005
« on: October 14, 2013, 01:10:33 PM »
Hello - My name is Rebecca and my beloved son, Jason, died on 2/13/2005.  I used this board several times a day and read all I could.  It is amazing to me that almost 8 years have come and gone.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of Jason.  Today, I called the grandmother of a young man who died.  I knew the grandmother years ago but when we would see each other we hugged, kissed and promised to keep in touch.   We did not but I called her today because of the obit in the paper.  I told her that I would do what I could for her daughter whose son committed suicide.  I am sure that if she goes on the suicide page she will be able to get consolation.  My life has gone on.  I still remember Dena, Aunt Martha, and the few others that I happened to catch with my reading today.  Anyway, I walk, talk, eat, and do everything I did before Jason died.  I stuff my grief inside myself because it is the only place where I feel safe with it.  I know I will never see him again.  Myt daughter, has two children and they make a broken heart sing.  If I was to clam up and not live, I would not be doing justice to Jason.  He would smack me and say... something like:  Mom... get a grip.  Live Life... he did, until the heart he had could not get enough blood through the arteries.  They were 90% blocked.  Moving on did not happen overnight and there are days that I can be brought back to 2/13/05 in a minute.  I retired, so being home is a little difficult some days, but I go on.  I think that those of us who have lived years after our children have died will agree that we go on.  I want to give back so if I can help a parent who is either new or not gone through too many years without their beloved child, I will help.  I will check in here as often as I can.

3
Child Loss / Re: Not dead, NOT stronger
« on: January 23, 2012, 01:12:57 AM »
I Too am relieved that sh was found. Keep pushin th probation departmn toget her help.  Do not give up; the can be dismissive, when she goes to Court bethere for he but mke the Courts spend the money they need to to help her. I am alwayshere.
Rebecca JasonsMOm

4
Child Loss / Re: Don's precious Bonnie has died
« on: January 23, 2012, 01:05:56 AM »
Oh Don, maybe now Bonnie has peace.  There must be something that made me come to this site today.  How long ago did she die?  Please know that I am thinking about u.  I have more to say but it is 2AM and I want to hear from u.
Rebecca Jason's om

5
Child Loss / Jason
« on: January 23, 2012, 01:01:48 AM »
It's been a very long time since I have been on here.  Feb. 13th will be 6 years that we found our 31 (then) son Jason.  In the beginning, I was on here morning, noon and night. I never thought a day would go by without writing.  Well as most say, time marches on.  Our daughter had a daugher.  She was just a year old.  I never thought my broken life could begin to heal.  but the truth of the matter is I don't think I have really accepte that Jason died.  I look at his picture and expect him to walk through the door even though I know he won't.  For some reason this helps me survive.  We have never forgotten him.  His name comes up all the time in conversations...  My heart goes out to all of you "newbies".  If I can help, let me know.  I know I am selfish but I need u now.  How many of my old buddies still write on here.  If you do, please write to me.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

6
Child Loss / Paula Bruckne
« on: July 01, 2011, 11:32:15 PM »
I read on here periodically and have been wondering how u and your family are.  Isaw that ur son is getting married soon.  I hope it isa happy day for you so that youcan make it for him. pls kee me posted.
Rebecca Jason' Mom

7
Child Loss / Re: Donny's Angel Date ((((( Don )))))
« on: June 13, 2011, 06:31:01 PM »
Thinking of you and your family and wondering, how is this possible, so many years gone by already.  Just a bad dream.
Rebecca, Jason's Mom

8
Child Loss / Hello to everyone
« on: June 12, 2011, 06:53:11 PM »
I have not been on here for a long time.  Since becoming a grandmother and working my fingers to the bone at my job, I just come home, eat and sleep.  I am never without my Jason on the tip of my tongue as I am sure all of you are with your beloved children.  Six and a half years already and I don't know where the time has gone.  There are still days that I think it is all a bad dream and I will wake up when he walks through the door.  We picked his dog up from my daughter today as we were on vacation and she sat in my lap and stared into my eyes.  I know Jason is inside Jesse and was telling me so.  Whenever I see young men his age my eyes well up.  He has not progressed in age and will always be 31 and his sister is not going to be 35 and age he never saw.  I miss him with all my heart.  I hope that those who might still remember us are doing ok... as ok as any of us can be.  I think especially of Paula who has had a most difficult time and Martha, who it seems has had so many deaths.  I still work with probation and work so hard to help the drug dealers go away for a long time and for those addicted, I work just as hard for their hopeful soberiety.  It is a horrific disease and one that has to be worked on every second of the day. In our small community we have had several deaths from overdoses of meth and heroin.  We need to get the dealers off the streets but I know that there will just be others to follow and then there are those that come in from Chicago or  get them to go there.

Thinking of all of you.
Rebecca Jason's Mother

9
Child Loss / Re: Coming up to the 5th heavenly anniversary
« on: April 16, 2011, 06:06:29 AM »
We are conditioned to think in terms of major numbers...5 was very difficult for me as well.  I wish I didn't fall into that trap.  I am now preparing for my granddaughter's baby naming and then Passover.  Every place I turn I see how much I want Jason with us.  Everyone laughs, talks, enjoys and my heart is in flux because he is not here.  Can I change it, no.  Oh how I wish I could.  Hang in there knowing it will be tough, tougher than most but u have no choice. It is one day and then it will 5.1 5.2... we are have to find our comfort level to survive.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

10
Child Loss / Re: My sister
« on: April 11, 2011, 06:09:56 PM »
My thoughts are with u.  U r lucky that you and ur sister were close.  I have a sister and  as u know, we have spoken in over six years.  Oh well,
Rebecca Jason's Mom

11
Child Loss / Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« on: April 11, 2011, 01:45:11 AM »
I can't believe that people who were in your life just up and left u to swim alone.  It all does not make any sense.  I hope u get ur strength elsewhere.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

12
Child Loss / Checking In
« on: April 10, 2011, 04:12:18 PM »
It has been quite a while since I've been here.  I read but as so many say, I don't have much to add.  I do the best job in the world of acting, but sometimes it is even too hard for me.  Our granddaughter is being named in Temple a week from today and I am a nervous wreck. My SIL family coming from Fla and SF and staying with us.  No one from my family will be here, first there is no one left except my sister who does not speak to me. My daughter naturally but she is the mother.  My sister did not even acknowledge the birth of her grandniece, but who cares.  She is not a part of my life anymore.  But Jason, how he would have loved this little Lylah.  But, there is nothing I can do.  He is gone as well.  We will have her wrapped in his prayer shawl and this way in spirit... although he is always here in spirit he will be with us.  I hurt for all the new people here. It was 6 years in Feb.  How have I survived, by acting. I let down when I am at home. It works for me.  If I can be of help, e mail me.  For the new ones, Jason was 31 and had a heart attack.  For the rest of my helpers, I wish u as much peace as possible.  With caring.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

13
Child Loss / Wed six years ago
« on: February 16, 2011, 04:48:02 AM »
I could recite almost line for line and verse for verse everything that happened from the day we found Jason to 6 years ago today when we buried him.  Did I ever tell you that on that day my sister said she was going to buy flowers to throw in the grave and did I want one.  She never asked if it was ok.  She just did what she did as she always does. I said no and I was pissed.  She was pissed I believe that I did not ask her to speak. To tell u the truth, it never dawned on me.  His friends were the ones he would have wanted and they wanted to do it for him and us.  well, it is 6 years and I have not heard word one from her for about 5.5.  One would think that since we knew what our mother went through losing our brother she would have some empathy. Nothing.  Our daughter had her baby and they have not heard a word.  If someone on here could explain heartlessness and coldness, lack of compassion and pure selfishness so I could understand it. Many people have said I should call her and find out what "I" did to make her stop talking to us.  Hell will freeze over before I ever pick up the phone.  Am I cynical u bet your booty.  Any thoughts and have any of you had the same experiences.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

14
Child Loss / 6 years ago today
« on: February 13, 2011, 12:13:25 PM »
How is this possible?  6 years ago today and it was on a Sunday, that we found Jason.  I remember every detail.  The night before I won an award for being an advocate for children.  When we left the event we drove by Jason's house and saw the lights and tv on.  I was going to go in but said it was about 11:00 PM and if he had a girl in there it would be embarrasing.  We had not heard from him in a few days and I was worried. My husband said that if we did not hear on Sun he would go over.  We had plans to go to Chic and we cancelled them. He went over with a friend and found him on the couch, dead.  Nothing was found.  He had a heart attack.  The coroner said he died on the 10th but to me he died on the 13th.  So we angst  more from the 10th until  the 16th when he was buried.  My whole body feels like it is out of kilter.  I lost my credit card. I can't seem to find anything.  I am a mess and all I want to do is sleep but we will go to the cemetary and kiss his stone.  I am so sad.  I want him back.  I want to hear his voice.  I want him to walk in my side door.  My feelings and wants are no different than any of you on here and you are the only people who understand.
Thank you for reading and if you feel like it, responding.

Rebecca Jason's Mom

15
Child Loss / Deep grief, deep joy -
« on: February 05, 2011, 07:17:45 AM »
I am in a place now where it is Feb. My most hated month of the year. Feb. 13 will be 6 years that we found Jason.  I am still brought to my knees remembering, missing, smelling cigarette smoke, looking at his picture.  At the same time, I am in complete utter joy and peace as we get ready to drive to see our 6 week old granddaughter.  We have not missed a weekend, I know that will slow down but now, she takes my heart and holds it in her little hands.  But then there is Jason, who will never, in the physical sense know her.  I tell her, I show her pictures, but she will not know him.  But how can I justify both feelings.  My brain goes from one to another... help, some of you further along this road most probably have or have had these feelings.  The truth be known, I feel guilty.
Love, Rebecca Jason's MOm

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