Messages

1

Child Loss / Re: Facebook

« on: July 22, 2010, 09:08:40 PM »

I am on FB much more than message boards. I love FB, but I realize that the grief support message boards such as WebHealing are places where we can say things that perhaps shouldn't be said on more public forums such as FB. I think most people who have not lost a child would be shocked at the 'places' our conversations go when we hit the bottom of the 'pit' & need someone that has been in that pit to understand. Although, lately I have been more open on FB about my feelings (just went through a rough time with the 5 year anniversary). I love FB to keep in touch with all friends & family. I welcome any 'friend requests' from the good people here at WH. My name on FB is just my own name: Cheryl Ginder.

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Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?

« on: July 08, 2010, 09:01:30 PM »

I am in S E Illinois....straight East of St. Louis almost to Indiana (3 hours from St. Louis, 3 hours from Indy).

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Child Loss / Re: CHERYL, & BRETT

« on: July 08, 2010, 04:35:12 PM »

Thank you Brenda & Terry. I can't believe Brett is really 'gone', so how can it be FIVE YEARS? How can I survive 5 years & yet right now it feels all fresh again, just like it just happened...or, like I just woke up in the middle of a nightmare? My stomach is queasy & I don't know if that's just my state of mind or if I am coming down with a stomach flu (that's going around). I'm just a 'mess' either way. I bet you'all can relate to the feeling!! From the beginning of this grief journey I decided I wanted to live out the rest of my life 'well' in honor of Brett who loved life and was so happy & positve about people & life, but I have failed. I struggle to just exist. In fact, I have gained 65 pounds & my health is terrible....and the sad thing is that I've done this to myself. Brett would be sad for me & I am sad for myself.....anyone want to come to my 'pity party'? I am hoping that I can pull myself together & try to reverse some of the damage. Thanks for the kind words. With the help of family & friends I will get through tomorrow see if I can start working on being a better me. I'd like to become strong enough that I can be of help to other bereaved parents. I appreciate your help!!

Brett Anthony Ginder
Nov. 15, 1986 - July 9, 2005
Loving you forever Betz!!

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Child Loss / Checking In

« on: June 25, 2010, 08:12:18 AM »

It's been eons since I last posted here but thanks to Terry contacting me on FaceBook I am revisiting to get to know everyone. I lost my  18 year old son in a MVA 5 years ago July 9th. He was the 4th child & youngest son of 5 children, all now grown. Brett had just graduated from high school 6 weeks before his accident. The 5 year anniversary is messing with my mind and my heart...I am a mess, but working hard (and it IS work!!) to forge on and try to be able to function and be a good wife and a good Mom and 'Mimi' (4 grandlittles..one born since Brett's death).  On Monday I am leaving to attend the Compassionate Friends National Conference in Washington DC. This will be my 3rd conference. 5 days after I get home will be the 5th anniversary, then EARLY the next morning my husband & I are leaving for a vacation with one of our sons & his wife for 19 days. I will be taking memories of Brett with me on both trips.

I have used 'food' as my 'drug of choice' over the past 5 years and now that is taking a toll on my health. I gained 64 pounds and now have high blood pressure, beginning of kidney disease, beginning of liver disease, and an enlarged heart. I also have the beginning of rheumatoid arthritis so it makes it difficult to exercise, but I am trying to use the zest Brett had for life to motivte me into losing weight.

I look forward to getting to know many of you here and remembering those that were here when I first posted here years ago.

Terry, thanks for being so sweet for thinking of Brett & me recently. I am crying as much now as I did 5 years ago, but with the help of my family & friends I will be okay.



Chery, proud Mom to Shawn, James, Kyle, BRETT & Kelsey

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Child Loss / Re: Pit in the Stomach Feeling

« on: June 29, 2009, 08:25:35 AM »

Oh Rebecca.... You know that we all can relate to that feeling...nothing will EVER be the same anymore!!! At every family event there is a huge empty spot, even with a room full of people!! During these times I look at Brett's bedroom door shut...and his room...silent...that isn't the way it used to be and that's NOT the way it should be!!! I sometimes pull in my driveway and cry because Brett's car is not sitting in it's usual parking place. So, yes, we DO understand....and I wish I could take your pain away...I wish we could ALL have our children back with us!!!! Thinking of you dear Rebecca, and holding you in my heart...one sad Momma to another!!!

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Child Loss / Re: Reasons to Survive

« on: June 16, 2009, 10:45:50 PM »

This post is a wonderful idea. I think some deep thoughts can come out of this type of discussion...some that may help some of us. John, do you mind if I copy and paste this post on another grief forum to get their ideas on this? I won't do that w/o your permission.

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Child Loss / Re: In Life and Death: Making Assumptions

« on: June 16, 2009, 10:42:20 PM »

John... You must do a lot of reading. You always find many thought provoking & emotional reads. I used to read a lot as a child and a teen, but grew away from reading as my kids were born and were growing up....until my son died!! I have read many, many books in the past (almost) 4 years. Some have helped and some did nothing for me. Some has had to do with grief, some have been religion associated. After 4 years I am still searching for peace and for 'faith'. After 4 years I still search words for the meaning of 'life'......I lost what I thought was the meaning of life when my son died. I always read what you have brought to share John...thank you!!

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Child Loss / Re: I lost you Buddy 5 years ago

« on: June 14, 2009, 11:39:58 AM »

Oh Don....I wish this was all a bad dream for all of us and we could wake up to life as it was before...before all the pain, the questions, the yearning to be with our child again!! You don't know me well since I don't post often, but I have seen your pain the times I have been here & I relate to that pain. I wish you peace my friend.....peace enough to live the rets of you life being able to enjoy your daughter (am I remembering right that you have at least one daugher??) and your other loved ones. Enjoying my other kids is what is keeping me going. My son, Brett, always loved having his brothers and sister around...that's when he was the happiest...so, I am also enjoying my time with them here on Earth. Hopefully someday we'll have forever to be with our child that's gone and forever with our other kids..all together..someday!! Until then..love the family you have here with you!!

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Child Loss / Re: Losing Breath (long)

« on: June 07, 2009, 04:55:41 PM »

Oh Rebecca.....I recognize that pain. We can't bear to remove pictures & other things that are a connection to them, but on the other hand it hurts to the core to realize the extent of their absence from 'life' and from our lives. I grieve for my son, because even though everyone says he is in a better place (and I sure hope he is) he left this life without any of his family with him (and we did so much together), he doesn't get a chance to fall in love, to marry, to have his own children (which he wanted) or to spend more time with 'us'. I grieve for myself...for the pain of remembering his death, for missing him, for missing out on sharing his future. Sometimes I can't cry, sometimes the tears won't stop, sometimes I just 'hurt', and sometimes I feel empty & just don't care about anything...then I feel guilty because I feel that I am ignoring how important my other kids are to me. All these emotions together....sometimes all at once, sometimes taking turns messing with my head. I hurt for you Rebecca...I hurt for that absence of your son in your life. Hang on tight...we'll get through this. I hope that afer everything settles down you'll have some chances to talk to your daughter about Jason. My duaghter doesn't talk about her brother often, but I treasure the times when we have talked. Holding you close in my heart.....that is an expression that I have heard over and over gain in the grief support boards I have visited, but it is so true..I do hold you in my heart!!!

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Child Loss / Angel of Hope FaceBook

« on: June 06, 2009, 02:36:38 PM »

A while back I asked you all to help me with a poll on the location of my project Angel of Hope Children's Memorial Garden for my town of Olney, Illinois. We did get the location we wanted and now the committee is working towards our goal of getting the Garden built. Even though I am computer illiterate I amazed myself by successfully creating a FaceBook page for the project so that people can watch our progress (which is s-l-o-w, but steady) plus be able to leave comments & suggestions. I would love your input in on the project from time to time...ideas, suggestions, and even (gentle) criticisms. I hope I can successfully put the link here to the FaceBook page. Please visit often & let me know what you think!!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Angel-of-Hope-Childrens-Memorial-Garden-of-Olney/87198839769?v=wall&viewas=1264002675

Thanks for your help!!!

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Child Loss / Re: Why is 5 years a milestone?

« on: June 06, 2009, 02:28:44 PM »

I have wondered the same hting. Perhaps it's because we have always honored 5, 10, 15, and etc. for anniversaries (weddings, engaements, etc). Also, I think with each 'landmark' it becomes more and more real that time is passing without our child in our lives...and it sucks..BIG TIME!!! Next month will be 4 years for me & I have already found myself crying more easily & feeling depressed. I dread the 5 year mark sooo much!! Compassionate Friends is trying to put together a cruise next year in July & that would be during the 5 year angelversary for me. I would LOVE to be gone on that cruise (I've never been on one before, so it would be a new experience) but my husband is a farmer & this year has not started out to be a good farming year..so it doesn't look favorable for spending that type of money. Truth be known, I'd probably take my sadness with me on the cruise anyway. I miss my son no matter where I am.

[[[Brenda]]]]
[[[all other hurting parents]]]]

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Child Loss / Just a 'Hello'

« on: May 24, 2009, 06:48:10 PM »

I have not posted much, but I 'lurk' here once in a while. Last time I posted I was asking for a favor from you all to vote in a poll that involved a memorial garden project I have been working on so I thought I'd make a post to just say 'hello' and not be asking for a favor this time. We did get the location for our Angel of Hope Garden that we were wanting...now working on rasing the needed money & selection of a garden design.

I hope everyone got through Memorial Day weekend okay. Memories can be something we desire..after all that's one of few connections that we have with our child now & memories can be so sweet, but sometimes the memories can be so strong, so intense that they actually hurt!! The last vacation we had with our son was 6 months before he died. Our whole family went to Disney World & Brett had the time of his life...but I cannot make myself go there..not sure when or if I can ever go there again. The memories of him there are so great...he was smiling & laughing all the time, but I can't look at the streets of Disney or the attractions there without seeing his face and wanting so so much to be back there 4 years ago..with Brett....it just hurts too much.

Do you have any memories that so intense for you that it hurts???

Thanking you all for voting in the poll for me & wishing you all peace and love!!

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Child Loss / Re: Does anyone here attend Compassion Friends???

« on: March 31, 2009, 01:13:04 AM »

I think everyone should do what helps them. CF is not for everyone. Like I said, I am lucky because the people at my CF chapter are wonderful but I know some people that come to CF chat on a regular basis, but did not have good experiences with chapter meetings. I went to GriefShare for a while, but because that is for any loss I could not totally relate to some of the other people there. I used to think that grief is grief, but since losing Brett although I do sympathize with anyone who has a loss,  I seem to only relate to others who have lost a child. I believe that the only pain worse than losing a child would be losing more than one. I live in fear of that.

Brenda.. I love Taylor's freckles. At the imte of his passing did he still have them? I told somone recently that at my age I have freckles, but...really they're 'old age spots' (or more nicely put...'sun spots'!!!

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Child Loss / Re: Does anyone here attend Compassion Friends???

« on: March 30, 2009, 05:18:04 PM »

I visited Jordan's memorial. I can see the love you have for Jordan....it is in every page, each picture, & every word. He was such a handsome young man. That smile of his is something else.....!!!! I wish that none of us had to settle for memorials. Memories & pictures....sometimes they are precious, and sometimes they just aren't enough. SIGH

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Child Loss / Re: Does anyone here attend Compassion Friends???

« on: March 29, 2009, 11:39:06 AM »

My husband went to CF a few times, but he says that going to meeting doesn't bring our son back, but it helps me to hear someone else say some of the very things that I have thought, but before I felt alone. Sometimes we talk about things that help me to change my way of thinking or helps me decide how to deal with some situations. I am lucky, though..I have a good group of CF members that are an awesome support. I hope that someday I can help others the way they have helped me. I have talked to some that tried CF and didn't have good results, that made me realize how lucky I am. I have formed some friendships through grief support that I think I will have the rest of my life...both at CF & on-line.

If some of you have ever thought of having your child's clothing made into something like a teddy bear I have become friends with the lady that made some teddy bears for me from Brett's clothes. She is also a bereaved mother. The hardest part of having the teddy bears made was sorting them out & sending them off to be cut up, but now I treasure my teddy bears. I had 6 made...one for each of my surviving kids, one for us & one for my parents. I sent off Brett's fav shirts & jeans. I told Janet (the lady that makes the bears) that I was kind of embarrassed how ragged his tee shirts were, but she just said 'that just means there are more memories attached to them & those are the best ones to use'. I still have some of his tee shirts that I think I'll have a small quilted wall hanging made from. Janet told me that she felt Brett's presence when she was making the bears & she feels like she knows him now. Brett had a bad habit of chewing on the neckline of his shirts as he was playing video games, so many of his fav shirts had teeth holes in them. Janet made one bear just for me...it was Brett's SpongeBob tee that had holes chewed in the neck. Sometimes I hug that bear & touch those teeth marks. Isn't amazing how we (grieving parents) can grasp onto the smallest things for comfort?