Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: BLW on September 17, 2018, 08:16:56 AM

Title: Am I numb, in denial?
Post by: BLW on September 17, 2018, 08:16:56 AM
Hi. I lost my husband early July, 2018. We were together 20 years and he fought a good fight with cancer for 14 months.  My job allowed me to stay home and take care of him his last 3 months. For that I will be eternally grateful. As I was taking care of him, I pushed my feelings back, and just did what had to be done. Now that he is gone, I don't feel like I am dealing with things like I should.  I have always been able to talk about him without breaking down, like most people do who lose someone close to them.  I wonder if I am numb or in some kind of denial, or maybe since I pushed my feelings aside for so long, they just haven't resurfaced yet. I don't have the desire to go anywhere or do anything besides stay at home with my 2 dogs.  I did go back to work 1 week after he passed, so I do have connection with people there. I am starting grief counseling this week per my doctors recommendation since I lost my Dad 6 months before my husband.  Didn't get to mourn for him due to taking care of my husband. I do write in a journal what I feel occasionally. I read a lot of the posts already, and maybe I am more normal than I thought.  Everyone thinks I am so strong, they just don't understand it's a front I put on. I miss my best friend so much. I know this post is all over the place, but that is how my mind is now.
Title: Re: Am I numb, in denial?
Post by: mousewife on October 24, 2018, 09:10:31 PM
Sorry for the loss of your husband BLW, It's a very hard thing.  I lost mine at just less than 22 years.  He had cancer also, and I took care of him at home too. I was a social worker, and I became his social worker in order to take care of him properly.  I had much the same type of reaction that you are having. I never cried when I spoke of him.  I don't know if it is because we were being so strong while they were sick, or if that's just how some people are.  But it doesn't mean we don't feel a profound hurt and loss.  I hope you will receive some support from the grief counseling.

Peace and Healing,
Title: Re: Am I numb, in denial?
Post by: BLW on November 01, 2018, 09:18:38 AM
Dear Mousewife,
Thank you for responding to me.  I have found a lot of support and healing through this site.  I am very glad I stumbled upon it.  I am sorry to hear of your husband's passing. It definitely leaves a big hole in a person's life. It has been 4 months since Kenny's passing and it feels like yesterday.  I try to keep going, because I have to. 

I dread the holidays coming up.  Without Kenny is not going to be a happy time for me, but I will put on a smile and do what is expected of me.
How do you plan to deal with the holidays? Do you have family, kids?  I don't have any children of my own, but Kenny had a son that I consider mine. He has helped me out a lot in the past 4 months. My family doesn't live around me, so I am pretty much alone.  It really makes things hard not having a lot of people around. My sister is planning on staying with me the week of Christmas, so that will be nice.

It's funny how we find the strength to do things we never thought we would.  I don't know how I would've gotten through the months of taking care of Kenny except that God was with me and gave me what I needed.  I am trying to trust that He will bring me through this grief as well.

Take Care of yourself.
Title: Re: Am I numb, in denial?
Post by: Ralnic on November 09, 2018, 03:47:51 PM
Lost my husband on November 2, 2018.  I am numb, and I am in denial.  I understand how you are feeling.  This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.  Peace be with us all.
Title: Re: Am I numb, in denial?
Post by: mousewife on January 29, 2019, 08:46:26 AM
Sorry BLW I have not been on here and did not see your post. I dont have any children. We had a child that died pre-birth. So I am alone too. It is coming up on 12 years for me. The pain does get better. Life is never the same but there will still be things and people to enjoy. My faith is how I survive too. Sorry for your pain.  I hope you are feeling a tiny bit better at least sometimes.

Peace and Healing,