Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: Raven2017 on February 22, 2018, 07:00:00 AM

Title: 10 months
Post by: Raven2017 on February 22, 2018, 07:00:00 AM
Last week was 10 months since Jim has been gone.  Valentine's Day was hard but we never really celebrated it specifically...we thought we should appreciate each other every day so we always just went out to our favorite restaurant for dinner.  Jim was funny.  He thought that Valentine's Day was so commercialized so he always bought me roses the week before when they were half the price, we always laughed about that.  I missed the flowers this year, I miss everything about Jim.  With Valentine's Day gone, I have now gone through all the "first" holidays without Jim but it's the everyday moments that hurt.  This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through and I don't know how all of you cope with your loss.

My mind has finally come back in  the past month.  For the most part, I can focus on the things that I need to focus on but I still can't read a book for pleasure.  I was an avid reader and have only read 2 books since last April.  Has this happened to anyone else?  It would be such a good way to escape, to pass time.  There are still so many empty hours in the day.  I keep myself busy, I have started to do a lot of things to keep me occupied but I still wander.  By 4 in the afternoon, I dread the hours ahead. It probably doesn't help that I am usually up by 4  in the morning, making the day pretty long.  I also have an old dog that need to go outside at all times of the day and night but she is worth it.

Dinner was our time to kind of close the day, eat and talk about our day.  I find it very hard to eat dinner and only manage to do that once or twice a week.  I never sit at the dining room table and it's so lonely to cook for one person.  I guess it's just something else that comes with time. I did follow your suggestion, Mark, and I made double meals when I did make something but they just sit in the freezer for the most part.  I have tried to eat dinner at lunch time but that seldom works because I try to keep so busy during the day.

It's kind of strange.  Jim has been gone for 10 months which seems like forever to my heart but is not a long time in real life.  It seems like everyone thinks it's been long "enough" and I should start "moving" on as they call it.  Why don't people understand that it's just not that easy.  I still feel so lost and the thought of going out without Jim is hard but the coming home to an empty house at night is the worst.  I have only gone out one night since Jim has been gone and that was to watch my grandson on Halloween night for a few hours.  It was so hard to come home alone at night, knowing that Jim isn't here waiting for me, so I have never gone out at night again. I know I should but I don't want to.  I am perfectly fine during the day, I come and go all the time. Is that weird?

I feel like I am living a double life.  To everyone that asks, I say I'm fine but inside I still feel so empty.  Sometimes, I can feel the tears just sitting in my throat.  I am a strong person usually but this is testing every  little bit of strength I have.  I had to cancel Jim's passport last week and when the clerk punched holes in the passport to void it, I barely made it out of there before I lost it.  It was one more place where Jim ceased to exist.

Every once in a while, I will have a good day and then I feel guilty because Jim can't.  I know that's irrational but it's almost like I'm afraid to have fun because  it makes me feel like a traitor to Jim. I know he would want me to have a good life, he was so full of life himself and took advantage of every minute.  He is probably looking down at me and shaking his head but life is so hard without him.

I miss him so much all the time.

Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: JustMark on March 03, 2018, 11:25:22 AM
Well Raven, I think the important thing is getting through the day. It does have it's moments for me too but as some time as passed it feels less of a loss. Plus my guitar playing helps but even then Gina is still on my mind. I still find it hard to get around to cooking much for myself. This last month has been a different story as I'm loosing  one of my dogs named Tunnie to bone cancer so I been cooking to pamper her while I can. The other dogs don't mind the pampering because they get some too. Gina and I were the ones that helped Dainy the mother of the litter together. So we were on hand to be there the moment every single one of the dogs were born, including Tunnie. It was our one and only litter together and now they have all almost lived a full life for dogs their size, which is 10 to 12 years. They are really showing their age with all the grey in their face. It doesn't look like Tunnie is going to make it to 9 this May as when the vet diagnosed her he gave her 30 to 60 days. That was on Feb 5th., my daughter Dawn's birthday. Gina and I didn't have children together so in a round about way these dogs were our kids. I'm holding up pretty good but I know I will hurt for a little bit but what's going to be harder is loosing Tunnie almost on the 1 year anniversary of Gina's passing. I think around here they refer to them as angel days or angel wing days.

As far as getting over Gina it still hasn't been that easy for me as even though I got her clothes and shoes out everything else of hers is still here and constant reminder of us picking things out and also some very good memories of other things like painting or drawings she did, books, music CD's and everything else that is normal for a husband and wife to buy or pick out together including dishes and stuff in the garden shed. I still have plenty of flowers from her funeral dried out but haven't had the heart to start on shadow boxes for them.

Yes time does seem to go slow sometimes but like you noticed is not really a long time. How are others supposed to know when something like this is "long enough"? Especially when everyone knows it's different for everyone even those that have experienced it. I don't have my mom, brothers or even my daughter talking about it being "long enough". It sounds like they are not trying to be understanding or they think you are dwelling on it too much. You can tell others you need some space if you think they are getting a bit pushy.

One thing I do notice is your looking at it "like you can" and he "can't" like death is final. The consciousness lives on. It just moves from one state of existence to another. Have you ever spoken or studied some of the cases where people have a near death experience or outer body experience. Like some of the people the Dr's pronounce dead or are clinically dead for a short period of time and are resuscitated. The consciousness leave the body and comes back. Look into it if you have never read about it. There has been thousands of cases of it happening. Think of them as eye witness accounts. One of the first times I replied to something you had posted I told you one day you will be with Jim again. You wont have a physical body but you will transition into a different state of existence. The consciousness is a type of energy. It initiates brain pulses in this body that you are familiar with. What initiates the brain pulses? Energy. According to the laws of physics energy cannot be destroyed. It can be changed into a different energy but it cannot be destroyed. It can be stored in matter but you can't really destroy matter what really happens is energy is released.
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: Terry on March 12, 2018, 12:53:19 PM
(((((Raven))))) :love9: (((((Mark)))))
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: Raven2017 on March 16, 2018, 06:03:15 AM
Today, the review into Jim's death is complete and I am meeting with the Board to hear the results.  My sister is coming with me and I am so scared.  We all know where the blame falls but we also know that they will never admit it even though we did not and never will sue for money.  That wouldn't bring Jim back and that is the only thing that I want. We just want accountability and we want things to change so this doesn't happen to another family. 
I want them to see Jim as a person so I am going to be his voice.  I know he will be there with me but I wish, at the end of the review, they would just give Jim back to me and we can all pretend that this nightmare didn't happen.  I don't want to go and relive the horror of April 12th and 13th.  I don't want to hear them "de-personalize" Jim.  I'm not sure if I will make it through today.  They took my heart away and life will never be the same again.  Jim is in my heart and will be be there with me, I know this, but I wish I could just feel the strength of his hand as we work through this.  He always made me feel so safe and I miss him so much.
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: JustMark on March 16, 2018, 09:55:00 PM
Hi Raven, I'm hoping with you getting results I hope it answers some questions and perhaps bring you some closure. It would have driven me nuts if I had questions of what happened with Gina on my mind. It was like that for me and my brothers with my dad when he died. We never got any answers. We had suggested it but my mom didn't want it investigated. I'm not sure why maybe she felt my dad had suffered and poked and prodded enough his last couple years. Maybe like you had mentioned my mom didn't want to relive my dad's episode either. My mom had rode in the ambulance with dad to the er. I was the first one mom called after dad died. So maybe she didn't want to relive it. Anyway I'm on standby if you need someone to talk to and I'll pray for God's help you tonight.
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: ajamlavigne on March 31, 2018, 05:12:16 PM
Dear Raven... I haven't any healing words to offer, but I surely feel your suffering and simply want you to know that I truly care.  I just registered within the last half hour, so I'm guessing you may not see what I wrote for a good length of time.  Once my entry is showing though, know that my username is - ajamlavigne - although I'm fine with giving out my first name, which is Anne Marie.

Tell me, if you don't mind... what is it that you feel you most miss about Jim?  I lost my 'Artie' around a year ago, last May 2017, and I miss his physicality.  I never realized how attached I was to his body (and we were/am elderly) because thankfully I usually still have a sense of his "essence" that remains in my heart, but it's surely not the same as his physical body.  I'm so grateful though to keenly remember his goodness (mostly) and his wonderful intellect.  He had a curious mind but mostly he was simply `Artie - good and kind, a wonderful listener, and definitely a solid rock to lean on.  How about you, Raven?  Can you say more about Jim?  Please know my heart is with you.  Blessings, Anne Marie
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: Raven2017 on April 07, 2018, 06:48:14 AM
Thank you for your caring words, Anne Marie.  I am so sorry for the loss of your Artie.  I feel so sad that we have to go through this heartbreaking time but I am so grateful for this site and being able to find some sense of "normal" as I read the posts and realize that I am not going crazy.

You ask a good question.  My "stock" answer of what I miss the most about Jim is "everything".  What I miss the most, though, is his eyes, the way they showed every emotion, good and bad, the way they softened when he looked at me and how they sparkled when he was excited or going to do something incredibly silly.  He had a crazy sense of humor.  I miss holding his hand and his hugs, both were so strong and left me feeling so loved and safe.  I miss talking to him so much.  We finished each other's thoughts and sentences and we understood each other in a way that was almost surreal.  It was like that from the moment that we met, we often joked that we must have known each other at some other point in time.

Like you with Artie, I also have an essence of Jim most of the time.  It makes me feel both peaceful and sad.  He will be in my heart forever.

My first name is Fay.  Raven is my oldest dog and it was just her and I here at home when Jim passed.  Having to take care of her saved me for the first month.

Take care.
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: Raven2017 on April 07, 2018, 07:37:03 AM
Well, I finally feel able to talk about the hospital review into Jim's unexpected death.  I kept overthinking the meeting and have finally decided to just accept it and put this part of Jim's death behind me.

The meeting was attended by the top people from the hospital.  The end result from the review was that Jim's records were "lost in the system" so they were treating him based on false information.  They admitted that it was their error, their lack of communication between facilities and the system that completely failed Jim.  They have initiated system changes, people changes and have accepted  responsibility for his death.  I received 6 apologies and while this made me feel that there was actually a human element in the hospital system, I was heartbroken to know that Jim's death was avoidable if only people had talked to each other.  Our life would have been different if only they had listened.  We tried to tell them in so many different ways during the two weeks between the time that Jim was discharged and the time that he passed but no one listened as they didn't feel that his care was urgent.  If they had followed up on their phone call to Jim on April 10, I would not be on this site.  Just simply heartbreaking.   Nothing will ever bring Jim back and that is what I wanted, but, at the very least, maybe another family will be spared this heartbreak when they implement the changes.  Some changes are short term, some long term but I will be kept advised of the progress so that I KNOW that the changes have been implemented.

I am so sad with this outcome.  I am grateful for the accountability from the hospital as my questions have been answered but it leaves me feeling weak and so devastated that our family lost such a strong, vibrant, kind man at the age of 59, all due to a broken system.  Jim worked so hard to take care of himself, he was in phenomenal physical condition and had such a great love for life, our lives will never be the same without him.

While I can put this part of Jim's death behind me, it doesn't give me closure.  I will miss him forever and will always wonder what could have been.  Maybe that's not healthy but that's how I feel right now.

Friday, April 13th will be one year.  It feels like yesterday and then again it feels like I haven't seen Jim forever. It has been a year of hell for me.  It took almost 10 months to lose the fuzzy feeling in my brain, I have made new friends and lost old friends, I have tried many different hobbies, I have journalled and I have kept as busy as I could to try to pass the hours.  There are SO many hours in the day, though, and for the most part, I still feel Jim's absence in every one of those hours.  Everything, aside from the basics, just seems overwhelming when I look at the whole picture.  Jim's favorite saying when things seem impossible was "How do you eat an elephant?"  "One piece at a time".  I try this and I know I will eventually get there but right now, it's not really working for me.  The anger is gone, I have accepted that this will be my new "normal", I just haven't figured out what that "new normal" will look like.  I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful support group of family and friends but sometimes, I just want Jim and the way that it was even though I know that this is not possible.

Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: JustMark on April 13, 2018, 06:24:56 PM
Hi Raven, we understood any info you found out was not going to bring Jim back. Lukily they admitted they did something wrong and will try to make corrections to prevent it from happening to others. I know it isn't that comforting. Some hospitals wouldn't acknowledge that much. For me it's just a little over a year and I exactly haven't settled into a new normal either. All we can do is take it just one day at a time. I, myself sill haven't been able to get back on track with some things as far as a routine. I know sometimes it seems like we don't make any progress, but in reality we do. Sometimes it's because we are looking for accomplishing the bigger things when we should be looking for little things. Anyway I stopped in today to see how you were doing as I know it's Jim's anniversary.
Title: Re: 10 months
Post by: Veronica1992 on April 28, 2018, 05:20:54 PM
I understand you. 10 months is not such a long time that you are completely fine. And do not torment yourself with guilt. I think Jim would not want that.