Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Parent Loss => Topic started by: North_Bound on July 03, 2017, 10:40:32 PM

Title: losing my mother to cancer. need advice.
Post by: North_Bound on July 03, 2017, 10:40:32 PM
Im new here. I dont know if this is where I should be but I dont know where else to go.

My mother is dying of cancer.
I just got engaged.
I knew her disease was progressing but I wasnt aware of how bad it had gotten until I called to give her the news ( I live(d) in another state), and she was too weak to even be excited. I tried to talk to her about going dress shopping and she broke the news to me that she could not, she was too weak. I moved to another state for graduate school two months before she was diagnosed. My parents have been downplaying the progression of her disease. I moved home this week to be with her, and cancelled all summer work. Her cancer and complications are rare enough that no one can give us an estimation of her time. It could be days. It could be months.

I am 28. I am an only child. None of my friends have lost their parents. I have no idea how to do this. I have no Idea how I am going to do this. I dont understand how I can be so happy and so sad all at once. I cant plan my wedding because the thought of not having her there makes me want to break. I cant talk to her about having a small ceremony earlier because she has convinced herself she isnt dying, and is often incoherent. This is complicated by the fact that my fiance, who has been extreemly supportive through all this, is in rural Alaska for work for the next 2 months.

My mother was a force of nature with an opinion about everyone and everything my whole life, and now shes too weak to have an opinion about anything. I hate seeing her like this. I feel like I am losing her inch by excruciating inch.

How can I be there for my mother, for my father ( whose mother ( my sole grandparent) is also dying). How can I navigate this time when I dont know how much is left? should I plan a wedding? should I wait? What do I do if I get lucky and she lives through the summer? Do I go back to my graduate program and my fiance in another state? do I stay? I could really use some advice from people who have been there. This whole process has been really lonely.
Title: Re: losing my mother to cancer. need advice.
Post by: JustMark on July 04, 2017, 11:24:23 PM
North_Bound, I'm sincerely sorry about your mom and grandmom. I can relate and maybe I can help by letting you know a few things that helped me I'm 55 and I have had 3 people very close to me have long term health problems. Two of which have died and one is still alive. One was my father and he died in 2001 6 months after he had surgery to correct a problem he had with fluid build up in the lung cavity, another one was my wife Gina who I lost just this last March and I cared for her for the last few years of her life and the third person is my multiply handicapped daughter Angel. With Angel me and her mother at one time were told she wouldn't live past 3, then later they said she wouldn't make it after the age of 5 then they changed it again and now in 10 days she will celibate her 32nd birthday. I only pointed this out so that you would understand that I can relate and understand. You are trying to find definite answers and in situations like this the best there is is definite maybes. Your doing the right thing in trying to get guidance or advice and help in how to deal with living in what seems to be a perpetual state of uncertainty. I commend you for that because a lot of people don't reach for help when they know they need it or going through things they have never experienced before. I'm not a doctor but when you are dealing with uncertainty with someone and a terminal illness enjoy the time you have with them and help out as you can but at the same time I don't think your mom would want you to put your life on hold for her. If you were planning on getting married......get married you will also need your fiances strength to help you through the upcoming days.
Back in late May of 2008 Gina and I wanted a big wedding and planning on getting married the following Easter. She had been in the hospital for 10 days and I listened to what the doctors described what she was going to experience during her upcoming surgery and it scared us. We made up our minds were were getting married asap in two days in the hospital chapel because her surgery was in 3 days. My mom was going to be maid of honor and her father was going to be my best man. When we called John her dad Rob her dad's friend got on the phone and explained John had passed the week before and he didn't know Gina was in the hospital. John had suffered with cancer for years. Before we went through with the ceremony the surgery was canceled at the last minute because the Dr's didn't feel comfortable with some of the lab work. I told Gina we were going to get married asap anyway because she had gotten admitted via the emergency room and with as often she had gone to the ER I had no assurances she wasn't going to be right back into the the same situation in less than a month. So we got married the following weekend at my mom's house and it turned out to be a very beautiful wedding and with what Gina and I went through during our marriage I don't think you could have seen a more happily married couple then me and Gina. So my advice is get married while your mom is alive because I believe she would love to see it happen while she can. 
Title: Re: losing my mother to cancer. need advice.
Post by: Lacemaker on August 01, 2017, 07:22:30 PM
Dear Northbound.. I am so sorry you are having to face this. Especially as a young adult. I recently lost my mother to a Brain tumour. And I have never been so lost in my life. I helped care for my sweet mother while believing the doctors that she was going to whip it, only for me to to watch her pass in my car while trying to get her to a hospital. I agree with JustMark I think if it was me I would go ahead and try to get married while she is still with you. You'll never regret her getting to see you happily married. As for if she whips it what to do. Just listen to your heart. I only wish I could've had more time with my mother. I've never dealt with anything so hard in my life as losing her. I suggest spending as much time with her as you can at this point. Because when you look back on this time whether it's months or years later you'll never have regret for spending to little time with her. I do as when we believed my mom was going to be ok I let my brother care for my mom when he wanted and backed away a bit and was there when he said he wanted me to spare him. Had I known I would've been there all the time. Hope you can find some peace..