Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Suicide Loss => Topic started by: brotherskeeper on June 08, 2015, 10:02:13 PM

Title: Brother in law's suicide
Post by: brotherskeeper on June 08, 2015, 10:02:13 PM
Hi everyone,
I hope it's ok to just have a bit of a rant here? My brother in law (husband's oldest brother) hung himself last week. We were close. I don't want to put too many details in case his wife or parents see this but my husband and I just got back from our parent's and the burial. Up there we had people to see and the funeral and wake and my sister in law and everyone and everything to keep us busy and people to share our grief with. Now we have returned home (quite far away from everyone else) and the horror of what has happened has just hit me really hard.
I don't want to be swallowed in grief and horror. I have complex post traumatic stress which makes stress very difficult to deal with plus my husband needs me to be his rock and his strength. I couldn't bare to let him down. I am his family down here, he suffers from depression at the best of times and struggles and he needs me. He has lost his brother in such a terrible way and I know that it's going to hit him hard and fast.
What can I do? I really hope someone here can tell me what to expect or give me tips and advice please?
My brother in law was a very complex, lovable person and I miss him terribly. I promised him a lot that I would care for his brother and I intend to keep my promise.
Anyway, thank you if you read this or can offer anything in the way of advice. I am so appreciative even to read your stories on this forum.
Title: Re: Brother in law's suicide
Post by: Terry on June 09, 2015, 05:08:23 PM

(((((( brotherskeeper ))))))

I'm so sorry to read of the very recent and tragic death of your brother in law. For quite some time after a great loss we are in a state of shock. As you shared, the family was busy for a few days or a week but then everyone goes home and little by little and as the weeks and even months go by, the reality of their death starts to take hold. We all grieve differently in regards to how we share our pain (or if we even do), and how open we are about our pain. But what is the same for us all is the lasting effect that the loss of someone we loved and cared for deeply has on our lives.

Try to take care of yourself the best you can by drinking plenty of water, snacking on healthy foods and eating often (no big meals), resting even if you are unable to sleep and getting any form of exercise....walking is very good. Just getting out of the house and either walking around the neighborhood or if you have a favorite spot you enjoy then that would be beneficial.

You mentioned being *hit hard* by the reality. It's difficult and all I can advise is to take one day and even one hour at a time so as not to become overwhelmed with anxiety. Early grief, these days and weeks and even months afterward are very difficult because again, as you shared it's hitting hard. That's what grief does. We love deeply and unconditionally and in the blink of an eye our loved one is gone. It can be devastating.

Just know that we understand the pain of loss and it helps a lot to keep posting your feelings. Use the board here as an online journal. I did it with each loss over the years and it really helped me.

I'm sure those around you are also in their own pain and struggling with their grief, so you can only do so much right now. Try not to overextend. I'm sure when you feel up to it you will talk with your bil's brother but he may need outside help. Sometimes we do. Because as the saying goes, "Jello can't hold up jello." You're all grieving right now.

Welcome to our Webhealing family and feel free to post anytime. Someone is always here and listening. There is a Sibling Loss board and there are some great folks over there you'll get to meet. Just know you're not alone and we care here. If there's anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

Sending you hugs and lots of understanding, :love9:
Title: Re: Brother in law's suicide
Post by: brotherskeeper on June 09, 2015, 10:03:44 PM
Thank you Terry,
Your reply helped a lot actually and today is ...well not better... but different.  You are right, jelly cannot hold up jelly and as long as I make sure I am coping then when he crashes I will be able to hold him up too.
Thank you all for letting me be a part of your community.
Title: Re: Brother in law's suicide
Post by: Terry on June 20, 2015, 07:36:38 PM
Thinking of you and hope you're doing OK. Please post and update us on how you're doing.

Sending lots of hugs and love,

Title: Re: Brother in law's suicide
Post by: susanlistens on October 01, 2015, 01:56:05 PM
My son's father killed himself in April of 2015 and even though I was divorced from him for fifteen years, I'm still grieving my son's loss.  I feel and fear for my son because he had to break down the door after he heard the gunshot.

He lives with me now and I watch him everyday knowing that he will need support.  He has agreed to see a therapist so I will make sure he goes regularly.

For me, I find that writing is a way of release.  Talking to other people in person and online helps me a lot too.  I do my own grieving privately where I do my crying and mourning the loss of what could have been.  I grieve for my son, I grieve for my ex-husband whose body was never truly healthy.

I ask my community for coaching (friends and family) but I don't call them when I know *I* have to do my private crying first.  When I'm ready to move out of the grieving state, that's when I call someone so that I can create an empowering context for what I need to do next.

Grieving is a personal and private thing, unique to each one of us.  This is what I do and it seems to be working well for me.

I hope you find your own healthy way of coping and therefore be there for your family too.  Once you have dealt with yours, the rest follows with ease.
Title: Re: Brother in law's suicide
Post by: Terry on October 01, 2015, 03:43:31 PM
Susan - I'm sorry to read of the death of your son's father and also of the tragic circumstances surrounding it.

Welcome to Webhealing.