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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: Janka on May 11, 2015, 04:44:43 PM

Title: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 11, 2015, 04:44:43 PM
Dear Shelby,

itīs gonna be Rikiīs angel date soon and Iīd like to tell you how much I think of you now and remember as well as itīs gonna be the birthday of my beloved Jan,too.
I hold you close to my heart this hard time and hope you get back here soon to let me know how youīve been by now,my friend.

Hug you and kiss you from the heart!

With love Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 14, 2015, 09:54:06 PM
((((Janka))))

Thank you so much. I have been busy working on my growth and learning to love myself. Riki is constantly in my thoughts and I miss him always. I am not sure what I am going to do tomorrow. I will at the very least put up a picture I did for/about him when he was alive. I would like to do more and I am not sure I will be able to.
I hope things are going well for you. I know you are missing Jan, your love. Do you have something planned? I am sure he will send you a sign. I think I get some from Riki, I was in a friends car and a song came on the radio that reminded me of him.
I hate that I can't talk to him or at least get a hug from him. I am working so hard to move forward and sometimes I have to push him out of my thoughts to keep doing stuff. I have been crying a lot lately and struggling with my health. It's never ending it seems.
I read a post on Facebook the other day and it helped me to realize part of why I have trouble letting go of Riki and everything to do with him. I invested so much of me into him and his life that I feel like I lost it all and got nothing in return. In fact I got less then nothing because I lost so much in my own life before he died and then I lost the rest when he died. It's no wonder I feel so lost and alone. I was starting from the bottom. It's just so wrong that I am 43 and it's like I never learned enough in school about life and I had to go through hell to start at bottom and grow some self-esteem and do the life I wanted except I have already lost so much of the time I should have had towards the life I wanted. My kids would have benefited so much more if I had been where I am now when they were born.

Hugs and love Janka <3
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Terry on May 15, 2015, 12:20:43 PM
(((((((Shelby))))))) :love9:

Thinking of you today and remembering your precious Riki on his Angel Date. I hope your day is filled with only beautiful memories and although it's a sad day, I wish you a peaceful heart.



My kids would have benefited so much more if I had been where I am now when they were born.


We all wish we could change something in our past and in a big way, Shelby you are changing what is affecting your future and your children's future. I hope I don't sound like a Mama Bear when I say....I'm so proud of you! :love4:

Love,
Terry

Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 15, 2015, 04:26:58 PM
((((Janka))))

I hope things are going well for you. I know you are missing Jan, your love. Do you have something planned? I am sure he will send you a sign.

Hugs and love Janka <3

Dear Shelby,

itīs after midnight in the 16th of May of my beloved Janīs heavenly birthday and I feel completely broken at the moment.Iīm crying all along.It feels like dying inside of me now.I have no words right now to describe how horribly it all hurts!I canīt live without him!!!

Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 15, 2015, 06:47:50 PM
Thank you ((((Terry)))) I appreciate the kind words. It helps me to have people notice that I am better then I was. I can not always see clearly what is right in front of me. I know I have changed, just not always sure how or if others can see it.

Hugs and love Terry

Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 15, 2015, 07:02:06 PM
((((Janka)))

NVM I will do this.
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 15, 2015, 08:11:34 PM
Shelby,

please,delete it!Itīs outrageous.

Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 15, 2015, 08:24:49 PM
Shelby,

Please,delete it!Itīs outrageous.

Janka

Ok Janka, so what do you think I said wrong? I said what I felt from the heart. It is too bad that you feel offended. I do the best I can and I am not perfect.

Shelby
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 15, 2015, 08:30:07 PM
Shelby,

itīs hurting and this is grieving site.

Please,delete it!

Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 15, 2015, 08:34:29 PM
Janka I don't know how to delete it.


I did something different It's gone and so am I
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 15, 2015, 08:46:07 PM
Thank you!

Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: MyLou on May 16, 2015, 04:46:15 AM
((((((((( Shelby )))))))


I hope your heart was filled with beautiful memories or Riki. Riki is always with you.

We all are learning from life.  We do the best we can, it didn't come with a instructions.  Be proud of yourself each day you.

Always,

Lisa
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 16, 2015, 08:53:25 AM
((((((Lisa))))))

I am doing the best I can. I do believe that Riki would be proud of me and the growth I have attained. He wanted to see me happy and to grow strong. I love him so much and will always miss him.

Thanks, Hugs and love.

Shelby
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 16, 2015, 09:26:48 AM
Shelby,

itīs hurting and this is grieving site.

Please,delete it!

Janka


Janka

You asked me to delete what I said. I did that for you and I did it without really thinking about it. I have a habit of just doing as I am told when people are angry and tell me what to do. I looked at what I wrote again. I do not feel that there was anything in there that you had the right to tell me to delete it. It was not rude or disrespectful or hurtful. It was just honest and you didn't like that. You didn't even talk to me about what hurt you in it. I have been hurt by what people have said on here and it doesn't have to do with what they said, so much as that it brought up a memory or an idea that was really painful. Instead of telling them to delete it I talked to them about it and shared how it hurt inside and why I didn't like their post.
There is only one thing in my post that may have offended you in it that I can think of and that is this sentence: "I think the lessons you are learning now will help you in your future growth."
I wrote that thinking of how I feel missing Riki and that there has to be a reason for his death. I can do nothing about the fact that he died and can not come back. I need to look at the positive or I will drown in the negative and die too. I know that this post will make you angry again and that I might lose your friendship for good. I am sorry that you felt so hurt by what I said. It was never intended that way.
I am going to repost what I said because it's part of me and who I am, and how I have grown.

Repost from yesterday:
I know you are hurting so badly right now. I think even more then me. I have learned better how to live for myself although that is still a struggle. I will always love and miss Riki and I know you will miss Jan. I think the lessons you are learning now will help you in your future growth. I know that is not much help now for the pain you feel and you may feel angry at me for those words. I have always had a hard time hearing that kind of thing from people especially people who liked to give advice when they thought they knew better and yet didn't really understand. I love you and I do understand. I understand the pain I went through and the growth I have made and it has helped me. It has not been easy to face myself and that is what I needed to do.
I have an ache in my heart and am still working on finding a way to change that to happiness that I had the chance to know him and love him the way I did. To enjoy the things we did together, not having him beside me now and feel happy would be a gift of joy for me. I do things and see things we saw and did and I just feel sad. I want to enjoy them again because they always made me happy and right now my life is just filled with sadness when I try to enjoy doing those things.
I have had a few drinks today. Not a great thing to do I don't think. I just did it and didn't really think about it. I don't want to feel sad right now.

Shelby
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 16, 2015, 01:49:31 PM
I donīt want to talk to you anymore.

Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Terry on May 16, 2015, 02:48:03 PM
(((((((Janka and Shelby))))))) :love9:

These dates are so hard on us. You both are such loving and supportive members. :love9:

You have my love and understanding,
Terry
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: funlearningmother on May 16, 2015, 03:32:40 PM
((((Terry))))

Thank you so much. I appreciate your words. I do the best I can and it's not always the most positive or enlightened. I am feeling a little confused and hurt right now and I know that will change with time. I do know that all pain brings enlightenment or more pain. I have been enlightened and know that I will become more so as I have time to work things through.
Yes this day is hard for me. So many memories of what could have been. I am hoping to find a place where I can include him and still feel happy doing things we loved to do together. I was talking to a friend and she asked why I seem to want to put up an 'alter' for Riki. Am I hanging on when I should be letting go. I don't think so. Yes I think about him a lot. I am working to find that happiness and not let the sadness overrun me when I am happy.

I hope all is well in your world and life. Hugs and love,

Shelby
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 19, 2015, 09:32:11 PM
I close this thread I made.

Janka
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Terry on May 19, 2015, 10:36:08 PM
((((Terry))))

Thank you so much. I appreciate your words. I do the best I can and it's not always the most positive or enlightened. I am feeling a little confused and hurt right now and I know that will change with time. I do know that all pain brings enlightenment or more pain. I have been enlightened and know that I will become more so as I have time to work things through.
Yes this day is hard for me. So many memories of what could have been. I am hoping to find a place where I can include him and still feel happy doing things we loved to do together. I was talking to a friend and she asked why I seem to want to put up an 'alter' for Riki. Am I hanging on when I should be letting go. I don't think so. Yes I think about him a lot. I am working to find that happiness and not let the sadness overrun me when I am happy.

I hope all is well in your world and life. Hugs and love,

Shelby

Hi Shelby - I sure do understand and all we can do is the best we can. We're only human.

This Mother's Day was very difficult for me, more so than the others have been. Grief is complicated.

I'm glad to hear you're incorporating those positive, good memories into your journey as I feel that it surely strengthens us.

Take care and keep posting. It helps...a lot! :love4:

Love & understanding,
Terry
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Doug1222 on May 22, 2015, 02:33:10 PM
We're only human.

I think we all forget that about ourselves and other people.

If I've learned one thing, it's that most people do the best they can with what they've got.

I have a lot more empathy than I used to.
Title: Re: 15.5.-Rikiīs angel date (Shelby).
Post by: Janka on May 22, 2015, 02:41:07 PM
Iīll not react to this thread anymore.

Janka