Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama) on January 13, 2007, 11:26:02 AM

Title: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama) on January 13, 2007, 11:26:02 AM
Adam's autopsy report came in. It is 01/13/07 and my precious boy went to Heaven on 09/06/06. It has taken over 4 agonizing months to receive the news.
Adam was an addict. He used everything, I believe his favorite was Heroin by injection.
I had thought that he must have damaged his body with all the alcohol and drugs and perhaps it was his heart that gave out.
The cause of death was acute opiate intoxification. Autopsy revealed that his body was in absolutely perfect condition.
It broke my heart to read that. It felt just like the moment when the detective told me that he had died earlier that day.
My only saving grace is that Adam described Heroin as the best possible feeling in the world so I can only hope that he went to sleep in a state of bliss and was 100% unaware that he was dying.
I was afraid that he had a heart attack and that he felt pain and was scared.
I am so heartbroken to know that my boy was so fortunate that his years of alcohol and drugs had zero impact on his physical being and to think if only he did not use that day or ever again he had every chance to live a wonderful life without his former usage impacting his vital organs or by contracting any of those terrible diseases like HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis, TB, etc.
He had it all and the pull of the drugs ended his life.
One decision, one action, one moment in time destroyed him and his family.
I don't want to hurt the rest of my family but I am finding it so hard to go on.
I won't kill myself but I wish I could or just simply die.
I wish each and every one of you was with me this moment as I need all of you right now here with me. I can't do this any longer.
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Brenda Taylors Mom on January 13, 2007, 12:55:24 PM
OH Paula that has to be devestating reading that report. Those things just bring us to our knees and knock the life right out of you. Hold on, breath deep breaths. We are all here for you honey. My heart goes out to you today sweetheart.
Love to you
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Dena on January 13, 2007, 02:44:03 PM

I am right here.  Reading it all in black & white is too heartbreaking for words.  It takes time for all of it to be understood, so please be patient with you. Once again, you are probably feeling that same awful mix of emotions that you felt when you first lost Adam. That is normal and to be expected.

We are all here for you so as Judy says "Hold on Tight".

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Jeanneb on January 13, 2007, 04:03:53 PM

Everyone is right HOLD ON TIGHT!!  I wish there were words that would take away the pain but there aren't any.  Ask Adam to send you strength to keep going, just take one moment at a time.  I think we have all been where you are in the fact that we thought it just wasn't worth staying here but it is.  I know it's hard, oh how terribly hard.  Keep posting, let it out here, we listen with open arms.

Love and hugs,
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: momofwatsonx on January 13, 2007, 08:55:04 PM

I truly know what you are going thur, i think about die every single day.... Josh's was killed in a one car auto accident, there was no drug, or alcohol in his body, he just lost control.... I got the autopsy, and it said Josh had mulpital injurys, I asked the ambulance people and the officer that was there if there was a lot of blood and did he suffer any, they al said no, so i had my lawyer get the photo's that was taken at the accident and found out that i was lied to,my son had a lot of blood all over his body and his little eyes were open, I know people think that i am crazy for wanting the photos, but this were the last picture of my baby... no i dont look at them everyday, when i get realy down and want my son i pull them out, I studied his face and several things in there photo's, Josh never wore his class ring it was always on his key chain, but in the photo, it shows them taking it off his finger,... no that ring means so much more to me.

all I can say is hang in there, think of the good times and other family members that you have.

if you need to talk send me a message and i will give you my phone number
please take care of yourself, we all need each other

lots of love     virgie    JOSH'S MOM
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: sykeller (Ray's mom) on January 13, 2007, 08:59:07 PM
Dear Paula,

Please hold on, hold on tight, it is so very painful.  I feel your heartache, although the circumstances are different, with every part of me I feel your pain.  

Ray has been gone 3 1/2 years and I have not been able to make myself look at the coronors report.  I do know that his blood alcohol lever was .23, almost three times the level for legal definition of intoxication.  I don't know if he didn't fully understand what he was doing when he took his life because he was intoxicated, or whether he needed to be intoxicated to summon the courage to do what he felt he needed to do.

I wish I had the words to ease your pain.  Know that you are in my prayers tonight.

Wishing you strength and peace,

Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Marianne on January 13, 2007, 09:29:04 PM
Dear Paula,

I walk with you.  I have the same feelings.  Every day I try so hard to make a life for myself.  Everything is so different and so much the same.  I still wake up.  I still shower cook and clean the dishes. (Didn't do that for almost a year)  I still go to the movies and laugh.  The thing is I really don't cry about anything but my loss anymore.  Nothing really matters enough to cry about anymore.  A sad movie - a man is homeless with his son... the audience is crying... I am thinking... Gosh, he is so lucky!  Life is so different.  When I wake up... I remember that I can't kiss my baby today.  I go to bed... and I know that I can't tell Alek to get to bed, don't stay up to late.

Almost every day I wish that it could be my time to be with Alek.  In the first months I prayed for it harder that I have ever prayed for anything.  But, I am here and the time moves by so slowly.  That's the part that really makes me sad.  But... my husband says that in Heaven there is no such thing as time.  That when I am blessed to be joining my son - it will be as if we were really never apart.  I think about that moment so often.  Forever with our children!  Yes, that is what I  want!  If that is what will be... then I can wait... painfully wait for forever!

I walk with you - holding you close!
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Sharon - Dawn's Mom on January 14, 2007, 04:54:50 AM
Dear Paula,
I am so sorry for your brokenheart heart!  Please take gentle care of "you" -  this is a long hard journey filled with so much pain.  Know that my arms are wrapped around you and holding you and Adam close in my heart.

Love and Hugs,
Sharon - Dawn's Mom Forever
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Rebecca on January 14, 2007, 08:04:04 AM
Dear Paula:  There is not much I can add to all the feelings of being here for you.  I think that we as mothers and fathers, raising our children, cannot understand why they would choose a road for fulfillment other than out love.  I think young people love their families very much but peer pressure and the great unknown to them is the hook.  I truly believe in my heart that people who use drugs only live in the moment and when finished think they can come back to us as before.  They just don't get it and in most cases it is fatal.  Keep writing to us and we will keep writing to you.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: CRCmom on January 14, 2007, 08:27:26 AM

i am so sorry for your loss.  Drugs, alcohol, all of it is evil and destroys lives.  It is so difficult some days to go on, but I know that one breath at a time we do!!!!

Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on January 14, 2007, 09:14:26 AM
Dear Paula,

I am so sorry your hurting so badly. I understand.

Tammie died from a overdose of pain pills. It hurts so much to think that the disease takes over their minds to the point of not understanding the decision to use can take their life.

I know how very much it hurts::::

Please know that the disease of addiction is a horrible fatal disease that takes our childrens lives. Very few do truly recover, I know how it effects the entire family. Please know I am holding you very close to my heart,
I am sure Adam didn't suffer, just went to sleep . I believe that.

Know I care and understand,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP ((Dottie))
Post by: Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama) on January 14, 2007, 12:18:53 PM
I admire you so much Dottie for your strength. My other 3 children keep my anchored here and you had only Tammie. Craig & I both said that if it wasn't for Matthew, Kaitlin and Joshua we would end our lives together. Craig even was so despondent in the 1st few days that he had his own suicide attempt interrupted.
Your faith and determination to lend support to others and to promote legislation to stop healthcare providers from writing such scripts without complete assessments give me inspiration to carry on.
Reading the autopsy report has brought me back to the day that Adam passed. I am in such a deep funk and the pain in my heart is searing. I need to hold inside the belief that he went to sleep in such a euphoric state of bliss that he was unaware that he was slipping away.
I only fear that when he woke up in the afterlife that he was so sorry, crying and scared that he left his life and all of us. I talk to him all the time to tell him that it's OK because Heaven is the most perfect of places and his need to self medicate is now over and we will love him forever. I pray to God daily to embrace my son in his loving arms and grant him the peace and contentment that he didn't know in life and to please give Adam a kiss and hug from his Mommy.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love you!
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: Donna Jasons mom on January 14, 2007, 03:01:06 PM
Hi Paula:
I am so sorry to hear such pain in your writing. 
I know how you feel after reading the autopsy report.  I never read my Jason's but when he was killed in a car accident people told me he was using steroids I was so releived when I got the report,he had not trace of steroids in his system at all. 
Our lives have all changed in just a moment, a twinkling of an eye. 
I am on this journey for 2 years now and I can honestly say I still cry everyday for the loss of my son but I can tell you it's not that deep heart wrenching cry like I had in the beginning.  I'm not sure when it began to change but it has.  I am still very sad of course but this journey does get "softer" with time.  Time is the only thing and prayer that will get you through the days and nights of missing your son.
I will pray for you and your family!!  You are so new on this journey that I know you just can't possibly see anything but the grief but it will "soften". 
I wish I were there to give you a big hug!! 
One day, one moment, one breathe at a time!!
Somedays all you can hope to accomplish is breathing and that's ok!
Hugs and love
Donna (Jason's mom)
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: LaVonne on January 14, 2007, 05:44:23 PM
Please know that the pain does soften with time but you are so new to this journey. Take one day one step at a time and know i am here as the others to listen. I will hold you close to me heart and sending you a big cyber hug. Keeping you in my prayers. It has been 8 yrs for me and there was a time like you i wanted to just die.(not suicidial) just leave here and be with my son., now i want to live and be here as long as i can with my family i have left.I live each day as if it were my last.  LaVonne
Title: Re: Today I want to die HELP
Post by: faye on January 17, 2007, 06:43:54 PM

I can feel the pain in your heart.  Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.