Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Debh on January 11, 2007, 02:12:48 PM

Title: A Special Letter
Post by: Debh on January 11, 2007, 02:12:48 PM
I just received a special letter today in the mail and just had to share this with all of you. We hear so oftened here how we feel our kids have been forgotten by others and how hard it is on us. There are so many times through the years I have also felt this way. Especially after all these years, occassionally one speaks of the boys but must say it is mainly myself outside this board.

The part of the letter I want to share is the part that tells me even though our kids may not be talked about I believe fully they are loved by all those that knew them and missed and have not been forgotten.

Here is the paragraph that has touched me today.

 " I just wanted to take time to let you two know that I love you guys. I always wanted to tell you  that I think you guys are some of the best parents I've seen. You've been there always for each of your children and even though Chad has been temporarily separated from us you remain to be there for him by keeping his memory alive. Chad is loved and missed. "

My first reaction was tears of course and then a big WOW...I see this friend of the kids occassionally and yes I do talk about the good times, but this letter has given me a new way of seeing things today and I will forever share Chad  and forever share his memories.

So many times I thought they didn't care or wanted me to keep those memories to myself, seeing today I was wrong, this was one I felt this with and in the letter I now understand the grief this person has gone through also.

I am so fortunate to have so many loving kids that have stood next to me in so many hard times, their lives have gone on for which I am happy for, very sad the boys lives didn't, but it so good to hear they have not been forgotten, we need to hear this and I am grateful today I heard this.

As sad and as beautiful our memories are, I have found they have to continue to spoken when it comes to my boys, its moms way of being mom and all I have left that I can do to be with my boys. Love, hope and missing them, and those wonderful memories and photos, thats all I have left for today.

Love to all

Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Katie--Adam's Mom on January 11, 2007, 02:19:30 PM

That's a very big WOW!  Tears as I read what this friend wrote to you.  What a treasure you received today.

Missing our boys.

Love and hugs,
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on January 11, 2007, 02:52:29 PM
Oh, Deb,

What a really beautiful treasured gift. It brought tears to my. Although I have been doing that alot lately these tears were of joy for you.

Dottie Tammie's Mom
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: marie on January 11, 2007, 02:56:26 PM
DEBh That was a surprise letter you received from a friend I am so glad you got it because it made you feel good and you needed that. God bless that friend for sending it LOVe AND Hugs Marie
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Debh on January 11, 2007, 03:06:27 PM
Thank you Dottie and Katie, seems after a darn good cry the joy comes when I realize what I have today and the love from yesterdays that were not felt for so many years but proves again with so many its there just so far hidden like my own was maybe.

I was going through my photos and things I saved from the kids the other day, several notes we left for each other etc and found one I wrote to Chad and just busted out laughing. He was finishing up selling candy bars for showtime tour and I was getting ready for our trip to Vegas. For about 5 years hubby and I spent our anniversary in Vegas when the kids were teenagers, many kid reasons we stopped that one lol they loved us being gone lets say.

The note I found was "Chad, I sold the rest of the candy bars for you and you can turn in the money. I am taking all the change from you for Vegas, there was $17.50 in change and I left you a $20.00 so you OWE ME $2.50. Love ya Chaddar, Mom"

I can't remember if he paid me the 2.50, most likely not lol, I most likely received a note saying he put that toward his trip and signed another IOU :) I recall this happening several times.

Oh how I miss him. These treasures don't hurt so much today like years ago but sure do miss him more each day. Finding these little notes just brings back so much they really are treasures.


Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Debh on January 11, 2007, 03:16:31 PM
Thanks Marie, I did need that in many ways.

Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: sykeller (Ray's mom) on January 11, 2007, 03:30:08 PM
Thanks for the smile, it brought back memories of my Ray.

Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Dena on January 11, 2007, 03:56:08 PM
WOW Deb!  What a beautiful gift!

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Jeanneb on January 11, 2007, 05:10:49 PM
Man-o-man what a blessing you received.

Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Rebecca on January 11, 2007, 06:41:25 PM
What a wonderful post.  I am sure that our children's friends never forget their dear friend.  I think they think that we will hurt more just by the mere mention of his name and stories when the converse is true.  I remember a friend of Jason's did not contact us for a year and then one day, he did.  He came to visit and said that the first three months after Jason's death he hid in his apt. except for going to work. The longer he waited to contact us the longer he was in fear it was not the right thing to do. When he did come over and he came from Chic. we told him how wonderful his visit was and that he should not worry because we think and talk about Jason all the time and we are happy when he does also.  It's the little things.  So, happy for you and your "special letter".  Your boys are remembered and loved.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Kyme jeffreys Mom on January 11, 2007, 08:44:14 PM
I got sort of one of those recently, it was for Jeff's B-day I got an email from hi s best friend whom I called my third but first most son, here is the email I got I cried and cried since

I am looking forward to seeing you again. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking you out to dinner on my bill. In terms of what you said about men and love, I love Jeff. No questions asked. Most men would prefer not to call it that (we're all homophobes) but it is not love in the romantic sense; my love for Jeff is the same love I have for my brother - a person who I admire, respect, and would stand up for no matter what.
I was going to ask your permission at the dinner, but I suppose I could ask you about it here. I am writing a fantasy series in the style of Lord of the Rings (it's my goal in life) and I want to include the following dedication upon completion:
"In honoured memory of my best friend Jeff Sangiovanni, the noblest man I have ever known."

Please let me know if this is alright with you.
Miss you,

I replied He would be so honoured

I miss him so freaking much

Kyme alway Jeffrey's Mom

I miss Jeff and all his friends so much

b it is so nice to know they cared, means a lot, at sometimes means more than life itself
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Brenda Taylors Mom on January 11, 2007, 08:46:28 PM
Deb that is so wonderful.
Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Debh on January 11, 2007, 09:42:18 PM
Brenda, thank you, I hope all of you feel that wonderful I felt today. I have been chewing my son out alot lately needed a sign or answer, this has shown me again to today the answers never come to this but oh the signs are there and found one in my mailbox today.

Kyme smiles turned to tears reading your post, happy and sad tears, part of us today isn't it. Honored we are and always will be. I am so happy to hear about this letter you received. We never know we do we when something like this will come from another to remind us all that knew our children will also love and miss them forever. For some its best to be unheard for others its best to scream it to the skys above, our children are loved, admired, respected, and sooo soooo missed by many. For us it does mean more than life itself today.

Jeanne, man oh man is right, when times are hard and life is such a rutt someone or something or Chad seems to send me something that tells me this is the best it will be and damn I don't like it but damn I love that boy of mine and so so proud and so very much missing him.

Rebecca I agree, friends and family are so worried about saying our kids name that it will bring sadness or tears for us, and some just can't say their name for their own reasons also, today I just tell them the sadness and tears comes whether I hear his name or not but I love more than anything to talk about the good times and memories even if the tears flow. Its so hard on all that knew and loved our kids, no one likes tears or hurt and no one fully understands as a parent that will be there forever but we can smile also and we do want to live on sometimes we simply don't know how without our kid we miss so much. The little things, our life was full of little things that brought happiness the little things today mean so much more.

Dena, WOW...never imagined seeing anything but a bill in my mailbox, and the love for my son was there today, wow, jeepers greepers lol (another one of Chads lines) wow....I stopped my mind from the circle of craziness on this, it truely was love for my son, love for us, and I see I need to make some contact with some kids real soon, meaning....I left my doors unlocked prior to Chads death, open to all and no need to knock, our home was everyones home, all that knew us was welcome day or night, Chris (for those that don't know he was the one I believe caused these deaths yet still hold Chad responsible for not stopping the car if that makes sense) anyway Chris would come over at wee hours in the morning and scare me and cry and talk suicide etc much more and much worse was happening so I locked the doors. Haven't unlocked the since. What I didn't realize was until now I locked all my kids out that I loved. This letter today helped me see much did change by my choices long ago, reasonably so I know this but time for me to look at things differently today, and I am so glad I have this oppportunity now ontop of hearing Chad is loved and missed. WOW...is so right Dena I see I locked the door from everyone not just Chris. My door will open today, won't bring Chad back, and I know it won't bring Chris in he is long gone, but I see today one person misses what they had not only with Chad but with us, makes me wonder how many kids I walked away from by locking that door. Chad is with me, I know he wants me to unlock the door and I know why and I have to agree. Just got to love him, when I least expect it he comes through and this one was huge for me. We never know and I keep thinking our kids are always with us and there love is so powerful, I don't think this anymore I know today, its not from God or any higher power its from the heart, love is so powerful and does bring peace to many things.

WOW....don't know if I will ever have what I have at this moment again, but its ok, I have this one to carry me through more moments and hope I never forget how I feel today. Missing Chad, wanting Chad here, that will always be, love that boy of mine.

Sy I am happy to hear you had a smile, we need those smiles and so glad Chad and his friend and I could give that to you today and very glad you had good memories of Ray.

I need to get to bed here, I am suppose to be getting up at 3:30 am and heading to Chicago. Thats my usual time of actually falling asleep and I am so wound up from today don't know if I will sleep or not but know I will be sleeping in the car to Chicago no doubt :).  Have a peaceful weekend and I hope some wonderful memories of the past bring a smile or two.
Love to all

Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Debh on January 11, 2007, 09:59:08 PM
WOW Judy I went to post my post and it said someone else was posting and I thought that has to be Judy!!!! and it was!!!  Now I don't have esp or anything here lol I just know the time difference finally between here and Maui and also been thinking of you alot since I haven't seen much of you lately here and miss you and Dougie!

Yes its great to hear our kids are missed and loved. Don't hear it enough or very often and sometimes not at all.

I laughed too when I found that note, I have a box full of notes to go through, most are from my daughters which I think will bring some laughs on also when I show them these, but I hope to find more from Chad, guess you can say I am ready today to find them all and cherish them all. Kind of closed the door on that for sometime also, just hurt too dang much. Still may and I still may close the box and put it away who knows, just know I am going with what I feel today.  I have been thinking about that video I was given years ago, a friend of his taped him imitiating Crosby and some other crazy things he would do, will I ever be able to watch that I wonder, maybe someday just not ready today.

I went to get my haircut and got out of the car and there lied a penny on the ground by the car door. Looked at it and said Chad if this is your way of starting to pay me pack that $2.50, I shook my head at what I was thinking, smiled, picked up the penny and said ok, I will be watching for the next 249. I have a feeling I will be finding them too.

Just got to love our kids, yup we sure do.


Title: Re: A Special Letter
Post by: Sharon - Dawn's Mom on January 12, 2007, 03:23:56 AM
Dear Deb,
What treasures we receive on this journey!!!

Pennies from heaven...Dawn was always picking up those pennies...every time saying that saying ..."Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck."   I find them all the time now...and know they are from Dawn.  I like Judy's idea of putting them in a special box.  I am going to share that one with Taylor and Alison, they are going to definitely like to do that.

Love and Hugs to you and your boys,
Sharon - Dawn's Mom Forever