Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: arthur on October 29, 2012, 11:24:10 PM

Title: Memorial service
Post by: arthur on October 29, 2012, 11:24:10 PM
I recently attended a memorial service for my wife's cousin who was murdered by her husband. At the service I met some of Maureen's relatives
who I hadn't seen since her funeral including one who was at the hospital the day she died. I watched as they cried in grief for their loved one..
as I had cried for Maureen at her funeral and ever since.  It was a strange experience..I just didn't have much empathy for some of them as I watched them mourn. It was like I didn't have any tears left to cry.  I was watching them go through all the things I had already gone through with Maureen and my heart felt like it was hard...I felt so disconnected from them as they suffered. I used to imagine that these people were my family..but since the service I realized that they are really no longer part of my life anymore. Its like they became strangers..most of them certainly behaved like strangers towards me in the year and half since Maureen died.  I hate to say it but part of me felt like...ok so now you know what its like to be in my shoes. How does it feel?  At the service they displayed pictures of the cousin who passed..and because Maureen was part of their family  I searched all the pictures for one of Maureen anxious to see another image of her but I could find none..which I found a little hard to believe since she was a close part of their family while she was alive. I think they may have sorted through all the pictures and left Maureen's pictures out deliberately.  To me it didn't really matter alot..it wasn't Maureen's service after all..yet it was just another small loss in a world of losses since my wife died..another instance of this family's life in their own world apart from my own.  I guess this is another one of those goodbyes that come as a result of losing Maureen.  

Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: Terry on October 30, 2012, 09:44:11 AM

I can certainly understand feeling detached emotionally towards those at the memorial service as you shared many times that they have not shown you any compassion since your precious Maureen died. I don't get family sometimes...probably never will. But, as you also shared, they are not immediate family, as in 'yours.'

I'm also sorry that there were no pictures of Maureen with her cousin as I know they were close.

Thanks for sharing, Arthur.

You have my love,

PS...the edit and my name at the bottom of your post was deleting the empty blue space that seems to run forever at times. I've done it, too quite a few times. Just cleaned it up for you!
Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 30, 2012, 01:34:23 PM

My friend, I am so sorry that you had to go through that....kudos to you for attending the funeral - don't think I could have done it myself.  I am sorry you felt disconnected, but I have found that happens alot.

Sending lots of love and strength.   
Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: MyLou on October 30, 2012, 02:14:28 PM
((((((((((((( Arthur )))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you had to go through that. You are the better person.  It's sad how the family forgets about us or who we loss.

I've already been through it with Lou's family. I know I am a better person than his family would ever be.

Sending you , love , peace and the biggest hugs.

Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: sonya on October 30, 2012, 10:19:51 PM

I am sorry that you had such a hard time at the memorial. WHo knows the reasons for their behaviour. Death readjusts everything. I have found relationships strengthen with people I did not feel that close to, and along the way old dear friends have disappeared. Family can be really odd, then again, mine always were! So I guess I was prepared lol!
If you'll let me, I'll be your new virtual family

Take good care,

Son xxx
Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: jasonkl on November 02, 2012, 12:22:49 PM

I'm sorry for what you had to go through. Family can be so strange. Mine refuses to understand while her welcomes me with open arms. To them I will always be part of the family were as my own feels I should be fine by now. It seems that death changes everything and everyone.

Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: arthur on November 04, 2012, 11:06:00 PM
Hi Everyone..I guess I look like a pretty insensitive person from my post, especially since I have't responded until now.  I am sorry for my delayed response..my mother has come down with breast cancer and I have been involved with her appointments as well as dealing with more of my own illness. I am sincerely touched by your responses, in a sense you are more of my family than some of my wife's family ever was. Again Thanks so much to all who responded! ((((Terry))))  ((((Pam)))) Thank you both for your care! ((((Lisa)))) I am sorry that you had to go through that too with Lou's family. ((((Sonya)))) Thanks so much for your kind offer.  You have a heart of gold! I'll take you up on your offer! ((((Jason)))) I am sorry too that your own family has so mistreated you since your wife's death. Take care everyone, arthur
Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: MyLou on November 05, 2012, 05:13:10 PM

Please don't feel that way you are far from insensitive.

I am sorry you have more pain on your plate with your illness and now your mom. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 66 yrs old.  When she told me my world felt like it ended.  I had to be strong for her.  I wouldn't let her see my cry because I was really weak. I would leave her long notes. That I was going to be with her every step of the way.

My mom beat the cancer.  It was a long journey.

I am praying that you get better and mom.

We will always be your FAMILY  :icon_flower:

Sending , love, peace and the biggest hugs.


Title: Re: Memorial service
Post by: sonya on November 07, 2012, 11:07:51 AM

Yeah!!! Glad to have a new relative...Now what position will it be? brother? uncle? cousin? mmmm?

i didnt read your last post as insensitivity. I thought that you really clearly depicted that sense of being behind the glass. Isolated. Separated from others in a way that I never was before. Like being a voyeur rather than a participant in events at times....Am I somewhere near to what you were describing?
perhaps its just me relating from my own perspective.

So sorry to hear about you being ill and also, of course, the worrying news of your mother's cancer. You are both i my prayers,

Son xxx