Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Parent Loss => Topic started by: IMUM on June 24, 2012, 11:13:24 PM

Title: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: IMUM on June 24, 2012, 11:13:24 PM
Hello all, so it will be 4years this coming sept 7th that I have lost my mom. Although I just started grieving last October , it has definitely taken me on a ride emotionally.
 The last few months have been really good, crying, like I have said before, helps me immensely, what a relief I feel after a good cry.
I wanted to just tell a quick story, last Thursday my husbands aunt passed away, and she left behind 3children, one who just delivered her baby 2 days before her mom passed,  so as we got the news, it hurt me so much, even though we aren't all that close, I felt such sadness for her family. It just really hit home again, and I would give out a little tear here and there but nothing major, even though I wanted to just yell and scream at how unfair life can be sometimes. But I didn't. There I went bottling up my emotions cause frankly I don't like giving them my time. Well the sad emotions tire me out. Finally today,anxiety was creeping up on me I could feel it, I was trying to be calm, keep busy, but the loneliness that I feel somedays is..... Well very uncomfortable , it makes me want to avoid it. I had to text a friend and ask her if she feels lonely often , cause she too has lost her mother 6years ago. I just want reassurance that this too will get easier, not go away, just get easier.i know that times in my life something is gonna trigger off a sad day, I have to accept that, I'm not all whole anymore, my mom is gone for now, I can't change that , I just really hate days like these. Maybe I will get more used to my feelings and accept them as well.
I really just feel I need that someone to watch me cry and say to me" there there yourgona be okay"
So this evening, I went to my living room where my kids were playing and I let the dam  break and flow, I am tired of crying alone, even if my little girls can help me a tiny bit by saying " why r u crying mom?" just so I can say to them" well I miss my mommy and it hurts, but it's okay, I'm gonna be okay, im always gonna miss my mom and I'll be fine, I just have to let some tears fall" they all hugged me and I decided to show em my moms photo albums of our littlefamily, it really did help me tremendously to just release, why we have to do that so often , I haven't a clue, its good, but shows up when ya don't want to be down, like today, it was a raining gloomy day, blah!!
Thanks so much for listening. :) :)
Title: Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: laurenE on June 25, 2012, 05:39:12 AM

I feel your pain.  It was 10yrs ago this summer that I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectidly.  What a horrible painful loss for us women to go through.  I am so sorry for you and for us. 

For me,  time and crying did heal me.  So let yourself cry like you just did.  Looking at pictures was also healing.  I also made a scrapbook of the funeral and her life and cried through the whole process but it did help me too as did grief counseling,  just having someone to listen to me helped.   and of course I wrote my heart out on here,  day after day,  for yrs.  Everyone's love and responses,  and simply just the process of writing was healing for me.

I think its great that your girls see you gently cry once in awhile.  They need to be taught by you that crying is ok and normal and that it is ok to cry after someone has died.   You are doing that through your actions. Good job!   I used to say "I want my mommy" alot after she died when I was crying.  I have always said,  losing her made me feel like such a little girl all over again.   It takes the wind out of your sails, doesn't it?

As I said,  its been 10yrs for me.   I dont feel regular pain anymore, and its been over a yr since I have cried for her.  I get a twinge of a sick stomach on the anniversary day,  or days leading up to it but even the holidays dont trigger emotions in me anymore either.   I have found my new normal I suppose which is quite different from the first few yrs after she died.  I cried all the time for her and for what little we did have,  what we never had/should have had/  unanswered questions, lost hope,  etc.
It was horrible.   But over time,  for me,  it did get better, and those crying times got further and further behind me.

I am thankful that life moved on for me.  But it took awhile.  Years.   Allow yourself to miss her and cry now and then.   Consider talking to someone.  Thats normal too.  We all need someone. Maybe even write your mom letters and put them in a special notebook.  I used to do that alot.     And keep writing here too.   

Oh and sometimes when we go to another funeral,  we feel our own pain from our previous losses.   You were identifying with your husbands aunts children, feeling their pain b/c you had gone through it too.  That shows that you are a compasisonate and caring person.   :)

Stay in touch
Title: Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: Terry on June 25, 2012, 02:07:00 PM


I understand and know I'm always here for you.

Title: Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: IMUM on June 25, 2012, 05:19:16 PM
thanks so much. yes i do feel like a little girl some days,( and i have little girls, :S)  its lonely i think because she was the one who always would be there for me, now i kinda struggle as to who i will turn to in other times of need. hell i just need her to answer my phone calls when my kids are driving me insane some days haha:). all these things i will never get again but i do hope someone will come into my life that i can definately lean on in tough times ahead, God forbid they come. but thats the lonely i feel. i have my husband who is great, he just really doesnt grasp the sadness that i will feel for a long while. and im kinda ticked that my life has changed. i went on for 3 years thinking i didnt need my mom, but when the grief did strike it was bad. no one was believing it could be grief including me. my husband, my dad, they were sure i should be over my loss by now. so when i did start mourning, i just thought of her and how she would make it all better. i feel kinda jaded towards life now. somedays it makes me want to sieze the day ,other days i want to just stay in, and just stay safe. i went thru paranoia, thinking i didnt want to leave this life yet, i felt that i was next in line to die. that finally subsided but i never thought that way before my mom died or even after until it hit me that i miss her, i need her, she needs to be here. it was alll very very scary and horrible, but i survived. and it comes and goes. unfortunately i got some bad news today, ugh. my uncle's son, my cousin, has passed away this morning from an overdose. he was almost 30. i feel for me and my unlce at this time, he was his only son and child. so today was spent hating living in an unpredictble world, and having to hurt. i cant imagine...... so i sighed alot today as i went about my life with my girls. husband is away at work for 4 more days, of course he would be away.:S but it has detered me from my sad feelings of my mom, which i dunno, is okay, im sure it is, my uncle will need me in a few days and i would like to be okay for that. thanks for just reaffirming my feelings. i dont write all that often but i do go see a counsellor who i speak to as much as i can get there.

thanks again, :)
Title: Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: laurenE on June 25, 2012, 06:47:28 PM
ugh. that does stink.  Sorry about your cousin.  That happened to mine too.  Bad timing for the husband to be away.   that's a bummer! 

Sometimes the guys dont get it.   Especially if they havent lost their mom.   But so often guys just dont get us girls when we are hurting.  Thankfully I had co workers who had lost thier mom,  who were older,  so they helped.  But I was only 35 when mom died and most 35 yr olds still have thier mom so it was odd to them.  And life did seem unfair to me too.   

  Maybe you could find a church in town or counseling office that had a grief support group. ?    My counselor was old enough to be my mom and she had lost her mom so that helped knowing that much about her.  I just knew she "got it",  got me, ya know?. 

Hope you find someone to be of some comfort to you soon.  Join moms in touch or something that will get you out of the house to meet other ladies.  Maybe that will help curb some of the loneliness.   Its hard when you think you are the only one who has lost her mom.  but there are lots of us out there.

So sorry about your cousin loss today. 
Title: Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: IMUM on June 27, 2012, 09:37:54 AM
hi laurenE

i came across this older post from you..quote`:

But I fear the next grief cycle every day.  I am vastly aware of the reality that at any moment I could get a phone call.  Every day could be my last.  Every time I see a friend could be the last time I hug them.  And as we walk away and say 'see ya later!", I know, that theres a good chance that we wont."

i relate to this, very much.
does it get easier, is this a blessing or a curse. being an optimist myself, id say its a blessing. but its still a new fear of mine. its one i dislike, i look at my husband who hasnt had a big loss in his life yet, and wish i was still happy go lucky like him, like i used to be.... sigh, oh blah de oh blah da, life goes on rightÉ :)
im glad i read your other posts, :)
thanks for posting
Title: Re: The loneliness... Sucks..
Post by: laurenE on June 27, 2012, 02:11:06 PM
Death does make us appreciate life, thats for sure.   We are keenly aware of how quickly life can change,  and that person can be gone from our lives.  So in turn it can make us better friends, loved ones, etc,  b/c we say "I love you" more,  and take more pictuers to capture those special moments,  and are more "present" with that person when we are with that person instead of just half way being their emotionally.  I like me better b/c of all of those reasons.  And I think my friends like  that about me too.
Had I not lost my parents,  I wouldnt be into photography.  Now I capture every special moment on "film"   just in case,   so that we can always look back and remember that time together.

I remember being so sensitive to life/death,  as well after the losses of my parents.  Although I am still very much aware of how quickly life can change,  I am not as hypersensitive as I was for the first 2-3 yrs after their deaths.