Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Sibling Loss => Topic started by: helene on May 02, 2012, 11:43:09 AM

Title: Sleep
Post by: helene on May 02, 2012, 11:43:09 AM
Actually, all I really want to do is sleep. I want to left completey alone to get into my bed (which is separate from my husband's because he snores). I just want to read my books and sleep. Just to sleep. Why wake up? ( I know that this idea of 'sleep' may sound somewhat suicidal and I admist that, at this point, I wonder what the diffference is between sleep - rest - and, perhaps even death. I am prfoundly tired, I admit that. I know that I am very 'verbal' here on webhealing. I 'talk' a lot. This is partially because I have (neurotic) tendencies towards writing, etc.  So I yap a lot. Much of it here. Thanks for continuint to listen - as if I - the 'great helene' - is the be-all-and-end-all-of-all-grief experiences. Some may think that of me and I  don't blame them, blatherer that I am.

I am not and Lelsey is not, nor anyone else in my so-called 'family' that I've written about - is the be-and-end-all etc of whatever. We are nothing yet some of us really tried hard just to exist - to just somehow 'be' in a mortal stare on this particular planet. For some of us, even that humble wish was not good enough. DEATH!!!! TO ALL INFIDALS!!!!!!
So, I am tired of death. tired of blame.  Tired of trying to hide my pain from my husband's brain. Tired of weird yet very homey offers from my half brother to viist and stay over night with hime in his appartment in a city 300 miles away from him because - BECAUSE HIS GIRLFRiend is  FOR THE MONTH OF MAy.
So...why don't  my brother and I have a nice tet-a-tet visit - a nice, comfortable couch to settle down on in his apartment.

so..........I HATE ALL THIS AND JUST WANT TO SLEEP. Why wake up when the shit never ends?!

Title: Re: Sleep
Post by: Terry on May 02, 2012, 12:51:29 PM


You've been sharing a lot about your family. Opening or rediscovering new wounds and trying to deal with the old ones. This is difficult work that you've been doing. Take it slow. Take a break...from the pain.

I've been sharing with someone in chat and there are times when we, too have to break because it get's to be too much. We can only handle the pain in pieces. Sometimes and according to the pain, they are very small pieces.

I'm here for you.
Title: Re: Sleep
Post by: browneyedgirl on May 02, 2012, 01:50:31 PM

I agree with Terry, sometimes we have to take a break....

I, too, am here for you.
Title: Re: Sleep
Post by: Terry on May 02, 2012, 01:51:13 PM
Hi Terry,

Thank you for your most kind reply. Regarding my mother: I AM SCARED!!!!!! I WANT to try to have some kind of recociliation before she dies because death can't be very far away from her now as she turns 90 this June. I am afraid of her icy coldness that is the equivilent of being put into an instant deep-freeze and having your body temperature turn into a 'death-zone' in less than seconds. That's what my mother can do to me.

Helene, I recently wrote a post titled "Anticipatory Grief" as there are a few members at this time who are contemplating a reconciliation with family members. In the post I shared:

"Contrary to what we have been taught is yet another thought, that what's best for us is not always good for us. It may be very healing emotionally to forgive and to move forward even with the few resources we may have left and at the same time we have to consider the person's reaction to our deliberate (though well intentioned) actions. If we anticipate them and resign to accept them, good or bad then it's not an issue. But, if the reactions are going to cripple us, setting us back we have to ask ourselves if it will be worth it. A very personal choice."

When the time comes, and that time may never come.....you will view your options and I have no doubt that you will choose wisely what's in your best interest.

You really do have a lot going on regarding family issues and the feeling of not being loved and not ever being good enough and this has spilled over and onto your adult life and has been spewing havoc in it.

Please know we are all here for you and try to be patient with 'you' and know that you can only do what you are capable of doing and streching yourself too thin is very painful.

Sometimes, we need to forget (temporarily) and that's not a cop-out, it's a defense mechanism. It's merely taking a mind-break. We can only handle so much pain, rejection, sadness, etc at one time. We're only human. That's not to say we should suppress our feelings and keep them on the back burner indefinitely but there are just some things that we need to leave alone....for the time being.

My love to you and I'm always here for you.



Title: Re: Sleep
Post by: sevenofwands on May 02, 2012, 05:01:20 PM
Feeling for you, Helene.  And I would like to echo what Terry has said.  At times, and I think you are going through such trauma, that it is necessary to give the mind a rest, to "forget", just for a while.  Easier said that done, because it isn't like flicking a switch on and off.

The mind seeks solace in sleep, and thankfully we have that great healer - sleep.  Get as much rest as you can, be "selfish" for yourself for a little while,  maybe (just a suggestion) not read at all for a week or so.  Reading is stimulating, but maybe when one is so stressed not the best activity prior to sleep. 

Love yourself, Helene.  You are a lovable person.

Take lots of care
Title: Re: Sleep
Post by: Doug1222 on May 03, 2012, 05:54:08 AM
Actually, all I really want to do is sleep.


I've felt that. We're here to listen when you want to "yap" some more. If you need a break, I definitely understand that, too.

Title: Re: Sleep
Post by: helene on May 03, 2012, 06:25:00 AM
Thanks to you all!

Terry, the anticipory grief is especially helpful regarding my no-win situation with my aged mother.

I have not read anything about anticipory grief but from what I feel and my situation and what you quoted, I will look into this further.

Next thing will be facing my husband tonight. If he tries to throw any guilt shit at me I will disapear again into my own bed - this time with a book instead of a bottle.

I'm fed up with people - especially hubby - making me feel more guilty than I already am. He take his guilt trip on me and shove it up is ass for all I care at this point.

Thanks again for being there.