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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: Spring2012 on February 13, 2012, 08:28:02 PM

Title: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 13, 2012, 08:28:02 PM
My husband of almost 48 years passed away four weeks ago tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to write more soon but my main thing right now is trying to understand the mixed feelings that I am struggling with. My husband suffered mentally and physically for many years. As the years wore on he became sicker and sicker and more and more unhappy. He blamed me for many things, said many horrible things to me and accused me of many horrible things. None of them were true and I was his sole caregiver. When he went into the hospital I did not expect him to die. There was a goof up in the hospital -- he slipped into a coma and passed away 7 days later. I think I am grieving both because I miss him and because I will miss what we never got to have because of his illnesses. When he was in ICU my daughter and granddaughter gave him a sweet little stuffed white 'praying' teddy bear. Every night I hug the bear and tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him and how sorry I am that our life was never what he really wanted. Take care.
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Terry on February 13, 2012, 09:40:14 PM

((((((Spring2012))))))

Welcome to webhealing and I'm so sorry for the great loss of your husband. Thank You for sharing your story with us. The 'praying' teddy bear and talking to your husband sounds sweet.

At this time, so very early in your grief please try to take care of yourself the best you can, though I know it's not always easy. Sleep or rest when you can; drink plenty of fluids, water preferrably as water puts oxygen immediately into our blood streams giving us energy and of course, keeps us hydrated and we don't become so tired and so easily; healthy snacks when you're hungry.

I'm glad you found us as there are others that will share their stories with you and just knowing you're not alone can help not to feel so isolated.

I look forward to hearing more about your husband and how 'you' are doing when you're ready.

(((((((((((Spring))))))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 14, 2012, 06:29:35 AM
Thanks Terry -

Happy Valentines Day to everyone. I will buy myself some carnations today. There was a time when my husband did buy them for me or a card -- but that was a long time ago.
I slept better last night -- maybe writing something helped.
I spent so much time on my own in the last years because my husband slept lots that there are times that it seems like he is still sleeping in the bedroom, especially in the mornings. He would never wake before 10:30 or 11:00 and by that time I had done a lot of the daily chores. It is just so very quiet.
I am going out later to meet my brother for coffee. I was estranged from my brother -- partly my husband's fault -- partly my fault -- but now I will mend those fences -- it will be my decision alone.
Have a good morning -- take care.
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: jasonkl on February 14, 2012, 07:42:47 AM
Spring

I am sorry for your loss. I too was my wifes care giver for the last several years.  As Terry said be good to yourself. I have found writing here helps alot, even when I do't feel like writing thats usaullly when I need to write the most.

I hope you and your bother can work things out.

Post more when you are ready.

Jason
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 14, 2012, 08:21:36 AM
Thanks Jason -- caregivers are a special group -- thank you for being your wife's caregiver.


I talked about buying carnations -- which I will still do -- but today my husband gave me DIAMONDS for Valentine's Day. I walked our dogs and there were diamonds everywhere -- on the trees, on the fence -- even on the gravel road where I walked -- the hoar frost was unbelievable beautiful !!! Thanks love -- I know you are there -- and I remember the times you talked about buying me diamonds -- even if we didn't get to do it before we did it today. I love you.
Hope everyone has a good day -- take care.
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Doug1222 on February 14, 2012, 09:16:18 AM
How beautiful, Spring! That's a lovely gift. You made me smile.
Thanks,
Doug
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: browneyedgirl on February 14, 2012, 09:29:34 AM
Welcome Spring. I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. 
 

As you can see, you have come to the right place. There are many here who feel your pain.  Post as often as you like, there is always someone to listen. 
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: jasonkl on February 14, 2012, 10:01:42 PM
Spring
What a wonder sight that must have been. Thank you for sharing.

Jason
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: MyLou on February 15, 2012, 04:46:59 PM
(((((((((((((((( SPRING )))))))))))))))))))))


I am so sorry for your loss and that you are on this journey.  I will say you came to the right place.  We are all here for you and each other.  Share more when you are able too. 

Take one second, minute , hour at a time to get through the day.

Always,

Lisa
 
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 15, 2012, 08:17:29 PM
Ten minutes ago I was ok -- all day I have been ok -- just kinda numb -- took my neighbour shopping -- forgot my purse in a shopping cart and wondered how I could be so stupid. Now it is just coming over me in waves. I want to tell someone -- I want to tell someone -- but it is him I want to tell -- it is him I want to talk to. Flashes of the time in the hospital -- in ICU -- waiting -- worrying -- people -- doctors -- phone calls -- trying to hang on. Making the decision -- sitting with him -- saying good-bye -- God --why couldn't it have been different ? One doctor that treated him -- a young doctor that I wasn't very happy with passed away from a heart attack yesterday -- I feel badly -- he left a wife and two young children -- what on earth is this all about ????
Take care all --
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: jasonkl on February 15, 2012, 09:48:47 PM
(((((((((((((Spring))))))))))))

I remember those feelings all to well and they still come and go. For the first 4 months I wrote to my wife everyday, twice a day. It helped. Now if I want to tell her something I just talk to her. She does not respone but I still feel she hears me.

My flash backs of finding my wife were very strong in the beginning, they do lessen with time. Be good to your self. As a very good friend told me all the time your pain is still raw. I was I could answer what this is all about.

Jason
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 16, 2012, 06:55:44 AM
Thanks Jason -- seems only people that have gone through this understand. I try to count my blessings -- I don't have any big responsibilities -- my children are grown and doing well. But maybe that is part of the problem for me -- I have to make things to do every day. Please take care and thanks for responding --
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: sonya on February 16, 2012, 12:57:58 PM
(((((((((((((((((Spring2012))))))))))))))))))))

I am so very sorry for your loss and want to give you the warmest of welcomes here. This site has been a real life raft for me and still is.

'I try to count my blessings -- I don't have any big responsibilities -- my children are grown and doing well. But maybe that is part of the problem for me -- I have to make things to do every day.'

I am doing the same thing. Nice to hear someone else trying manfully to find blessings to count, it makes me feel that perhaps I am on the right track. I too have no responsibilities and am making things up as I go. Hope we both find a way through all this

Sonya x
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: gaberax on February 16, 2012, 03:20:21 PM
Spring, I want to offer my condolences regarding the loss of your husband.  I can relate to how you feel.  I lost my wife of 16 years last July.  Much of what you have written I could have written myself.  God bless you.
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 16, 2012, 04:20:31 PM
Thank you gaberax and sonya and jason and lisa and terry -- today is a better day. I planned to stay home today -- it snowed so that gave me something to do -- funny how snow doesn't get itself off the driveway :-) A friend dropped by that I haven't seen since my husband passed away -- she went on holidays the day he passed and just got home yesterday. We talked -- it helped -- she is one of the nurses in the first hospital that my husband was in so we were able to talk about lots of things -- about him. It really did help -- she brought me candles to burn for him so I have one lit on the table in front of me. Tomorrow is one month -- I love the idea of the balloon so I will buy one and at exactly 11:00 o'clock tomorrow evening I will send it off to him. I will say -- I love you -- I have always loved you -- I will always love you !!
Thanks for listening guys !!!
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: MyLou on February 16, 2012, 05:48:03 PM
(((((((((((((((( SPRING ))))))))))))))))))))

You don't need to thank us we are here for you.

I love letting balloons up for Lou.  I always write all over them my feelings.  As I write I tell Lou what I wrote.  When I let them go I say Honey take them to Heaven My Love.

I miss him every second.


Lisa
 
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: angie on February 16, 2012, 06:14:41 PM
(((((((((((((((((SPRING2012))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss.Im hoping you are finding  help here,everyone of these guys are AWESOME

I hope  you try the balloons me n my kids do one each every Saturday for Davie.It makes the boys smile and it helps me somehow too.

Sorry that you need this site but glad you have found it.

  huge hugs
    love
    Angie
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: arthur on February 18, 2012, 12:52:33 PM
Hi Spring! I am sorry for the loss of your husbandand the difficult time you guys had with his physical and mental challenges. I know how hard it must've been in those last days to watch your husband's physical and mental health decline, and be powerless to stop it despite all of your caregiving. I was in the same situation with my wife, who had SMA and was confined to a wheelchair.  Like your husband, her health declined in her last days, and like your husband, she died from an unexpected cause  unrelated to her illness-she died of a heart attack. I too was my spouses sole caregiver for a very long time. I watched as my wife's progressing disability slowly and inexorably took leeched away our dreams and hopes of happiness together. Every day I cry for my wife and the lost dreams we were never able to realize. I just wanted to you to know that you are understood here on this forum and that you are not alone in your grief.  -arthur
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Spring2012 on February 19, 2012, 09:43:32 AM
Thanks Arthur --
I hope you are well. The weather has been beautiful here lately and that helps me on my journey -- we both loved the clear blue sky and the beautiful sunshine -- I know he is here enjoying it as well -- free of pain and confusion.
I did the balloon thing last Friday night for his one month away. It was dark outside and I cried and cried -- missing him and because the balloon went away so fast -- made me think how quickly the 48 years had gone. I came in the house and hugged his jacket -- missing him so much.
Take care
Title: Re: I need to write !!!
Post by: Zylen on February 19, 2012, 02:35:38 PM
Hi Sping2012,

So sorry for your loss.

That was beautiful about the balloons and hugging his jacket. I did that once with my wife's bathrobe and just broke down. Haven't tried it since.

(((((((((Spring2012)))))))))))