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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: jasonkl on December 27, 2011, 12:21:58 PM

Title: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on December 27, 2011, 12:21:58 PM
As I sit here and read other posts and some of my own, I wonder what happened. I have nothing good to say. I have been riding a tide wave of saddness and dispaire for over a week now. I was told once fake it till you make it. I can't even fake it any more. My kids told me my face has a frown on it all the time and even when I laugh its not right. I don't what to get up, I don't want to sleep. I don't want to do any thing. I go to work because I feel I have to. I get up because I feel I have to. I go to the store because I feel I have to. I still go to the gym, becuase I feel I have to. I find myself ask why do I still do these things. I don't care any more. I have lost all my joy, my passion, my drive.  I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. I guess I am indefferant. I have 3 childern, I should care but I don't. For the first time in along time I find myself with out enough money to pay the rent and I really don't care. I have found my self in a very dark place. The only things I really do now is, I smoke too much and I drink too much. This no longer numbs the pain, if anything it make me feel worse. i have been crying for days and can't stop. I go to work for 8 hours I'm lucky if they get 4 hours of work out of me. At this point I think I would rather die than live like this. I don't like what I'm doing, I don't like how I feel. I just don't care enough to try and change it. And if I did I would not know how. She was my everything and I don't know how to go on with out her. I am lost, hurt, and broken. Thanks for listening.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on December 27, 2011, 12:41:08 PM

((((Jason))))

Know I understand going through the motions as I have been doing the same. Just feeling numb right now, and very lost. These holidays are not over. Everyone expects to 'feel better' after Christmas and it's really much worse until after that New Year celebration. This, right now is called the "After Holiday Blues" and I have always found them much worse than the holidays themselves.

Hold on and know you are not alone. We'll get through this...together. Thanks for sharing how you're feeling because you took the words I was going to write.....

Sending love and hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: MyLou on December 27, 2011, 05:13:39 PM
((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))

(((((((Terry)))))) is exactly right. 

I've said it before, going to say it again it's still VERY RAW.

You have to live for you children.  They need you.  You have to think if you weren't here how they will feel.

I know you are in a lot of pain and we are always here for you.

Always,

Lisa
 
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on December 28, 2011, 06:18:04 AM
((((((((((((Terry))))))))))

Nice to see you back. I have missed you. You always know what to say.

((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))

I promise you I am not going any where. I have kids, I have a reason to live, lots of them, just don't want to live like this.I am truely bless and I know I am. Just hard to see through the fog sometimes and the pain can blind you to all you have. I have a family you loves me and trys to help and understand. I have friends that are there for me and go out of there way to check on me. They don't all understand but they listen and are there for me. My boss and my coworkers have been very understanding even acknowledged that the holidays are diffacult for me. I could not ask for more. Yet all this does not feel right. My mom tells me all the time she is jealous of the support system I have set up for myself.  I know of those struggling with the same feelings and they truely are alone, no support from friends or family. And with all that I have I still don't know how to even begin to live again. I am seeking out a grief counselor now, not sure what I am looking to get out of it, but hoping to get something out of.

Thank you for listening.


Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: johnkmurray on December 28, 2011, 08:00:45 AM
(((Jason)))

This is a very tough time, that first Christmas without your soulmate. Hang in there. We're here for you, those of us who have been through it and those who are going through it with you.

(((Lisa)))
Just for being you ;-)

(((Terry)))
Welcome back! Saved a few virtual hugs for your return!

John
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: MyLou on December 29, 2011, 05:21:08 PM
(((((((((((( JASON )))))))))))))))))


(((((((((((( JOHN )))))))))))))))))) AWW TY :)  
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on December 29, 2011, 08:05:17 PM
Thank you ((John)).

It started to snow tonight and for a moment I forgot, I forgot she was gone. As snow began I watched it though about how much she loved the snow. And just as fast as I lost her the snow stoped. The smile gone and tears are back. I miss her, everything about her. I bring this up because something else happened tonight, I hurt someones feelings tonight. I wasn't trying to and though all was in good fun, but sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one hurting. And sometimes I need to listen as well as I hear. A friend needed me to be gentle and I was not. For this I am very sorry. The last thing I would ever what to do is cause someone pain who has been there for me.

(((((((((Lisa)))))))))))

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: sonya on December 30, 2011, 07:35:43 AM
((((((Jason))))))))

Thank you for sharing your pain on here. I hope that the act of writing it down has in itself helped. I know it helps me.

I completely empathise with those feelings as have also felt what you describe so often.

Hold on. Breathe. Drink water. Eat. Wash. Thats all you need to do today. Tiny steps my friend and we are all here for you.

I too am drinking too much and smoking all the tobacco so dont understand how you are finding any to smoke yourself! I know its not good for me. Have eased off the quantity I am drinking and will start easing off the frequency in a few weeks. Not putting too much pressure on myself. I hope that sharing this has helped you.

Take good care,

Sonya

((((((((Terry)))))))
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on December 30, 2011, 08:32:50 PM
(((((((((((((((Sonya)))))))))))

My kindred soul, Knowing I am not the only one who ingauges in self destructive behaviors is conforting. I just wish noone else had to feel the pain, I feel.

My thoughs and prayers are with you. I know this weekend is going to be hard for you. I hope your cleansing fire helps free your soul so that you may begin to heal.

Always
Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: sonya on December 31, 2011, 04:45:20 AM
((((Jason))))

Hope you are feeling steadier today?

Thank you so much.
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 06, 2012, 06:07:18 AM
To everyone,

It has been a few days sence I posted here or been in chat. I know I told you I would post last night [sorry ((((Lisa)))) and (((Kevin)))] life has been getting in the way alot lately. I don't what to call this either, but I feel 100% differnt than I did in the beginning of this topic. I felt monday the same way as I did when I started this topic. Got up went to work because I had to. Came home still feeling the same but just very tired, went to bed earlly tht night like 10:30, have been able to do that in over 4 years. I actually when to sleep right away and slept through the night. That is the first time have been able to sleep through the night in years, even sence she passed, I was still waking up at time to look for her. This were it get really strange, I woke up tuesday morning, and the overwhelling saddness is gone, she was still the first thing I though about, but that deep hurtting stabbing pain was not there, just just what I can only discrible as a dull constant ache. I felt like I could function without the normal  struggle. The first thing I saw that morning was her dress er and I felt the urge to go through it, so after I got the kids off to school thats what I did. I went through all her cloths. The first item I picked up was a shirt of hers, I opened to look at it and there right in the middle was a piece of her hair. As soon as I saw it I started to cry, but when I picked up a feeling came over me that I can not put into words. the cry stopped and I felt kind of warm. Like she was with me holding me telling it was ok and to keep going. I feel the hair was a sign that it was time to do this,like she put it there to tell me it was ok. I spent most of the day going through her cloths and a few other things. there are alot of cloths I am not able to part with yet, but most of them will be picked up by the purple heart next week.
Wensday I pent the day on the phone trying to find a greif counsler, no luck and noone has called me back so I will take that as a sign that I don't need one. I also spent an hour on the phone with the insurence company trying to figure out what accident report they are looking for sence I have sent them every thing I can get. I was also able to attend my youngest sons wresling match with out overwhelling sadness that I was not going to see my wife or talk to her about  later. Also had alot of running around to do. In the mail this day was a booklet of the local community collage, the are runnig a certificate program on thanatology, I am thinking about taking the classes, sence I can not find a counsour who will see me I though maybe I can get this certificate and find a way use my pain to help others.
Thursday I got the biggest test, I got a letter from the insurance company they want a medical history on my wife. They want a list of all the doctors she has seen in the last 5 years, that not too bad, they also want a list of all the meds she was on in the last 5 years. That is the most diffacult and painful one to do, In the end befrom she passed, she was taking between 30 and 35 pills a day. There were atleast 7 diferent meds she was on and I maybe forgetting a few because she had just started some new ones to help with the lupus. Her meds were changed so many times over the last 2 years. They also want every hospital she visited or stayed in and why. And last but not least the want the name of all the insurnce company she was covered by over the last 5 years. Now I call them about this to asked them if they ant me to seperate worker comp, from non worker comp and do they what all 5 years because this is going to be a book I send them. They told me that they dont want the worker comp stuff. I don't understand every med that is on the cornors report was given to her by her workers comp doctor. Well I have decided to send them everything because I know they are just going to ask for it latter. And with all this I have been try to apply for financial aid for my son to attend college in the fall.


Sorry this was so long but I neede to get this out. thank youas always for listening.

Jason


PS. I have started only writing on my wifes face page once a day now.

Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: sonya on January 06, 2012, 08:46:51 AM
Hi Jason,

I am so please that you wrote again as was getting a little worried about you.
Sounds like something has really shifted for you and it seems that you are finding it a positive thing which is really good.
I really rely on my counselling and dont know how I would have coped without her, but everyone is different.
Its great that you are thinking about taking on a college course and making plans. What is thanatolgy?
Good luck with sorting all those documents, sounds like you are taking it in your stride.
So pleased you are sounding like you are in a better place at the moment.

Sonya

(((((Jason)))))
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 06, 2012, 09:48:10 PM
(((((((((Sonya))))))))))))

No worries not going anywhere, you guys are family. Would never leave you. I have to warn you though this good place I am in now may change by next week. But for now I am in a much better place. I did forget one thing this morning, this is going to sound crazy. I promise it happened just like I tell it. On monday I lost my lighter at work. I really did care it was basicly empty anyway. Yesterday as I was leaving work and puting my unifrom in the cloths hamper I heard something hit the floor, I looked down and there was my almost empty yellow lighter. Now I know what you are thinking the lighter fell out of my pants, but it could not have because I wear a new unifrom every time I go to work. I don't know if she was telling me I better quit the smoking because we fought about it all the time or she was telling me it was ok, she understands.

Thanatology is study about grief and how people cope with it. I thinking maybe I use these classes and find a way to help others going through what I have been. I haven't been able to find alot around me sas far as groups or counseling. We will see what happens, who knows maybe I'll even learn something.

The documents really don't bother me much, reliving the last 5 years could get very painful. In Feb. 2008 she got hurt and that was the beginning of the end. Some where near the end of the summer of 2009 she was told it was rsd in her foot and she would never be able to return to her job. In the beginning of 2010 is when all the meds began, and thats when very thing started getting really bad. Looking back I should have seen what was coming but I was blinded, though that the doctors would help her. She was in and out of the hospital all of the summer and fall of 2010, complacations caused by all the meds she was on.  These events are the ones I don't not wish to recall, but I will have to in a few weeks when the all the paper work from the pharmacys get here. I am hoping until then I can keep the positive feelings going.

Always

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: johnkmurray on January 08, 2012, 02:44:46 PM
Jason,

It sounds like you've turned a corner if the raw, piercing pain of fresh grief has become a dull ache. You're right that it may flare again, but even though the good place you feel you're now in may indeed come and go the rollercoaster ride should be less severe.

John
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 08, 2012, 10:57:57 PM

Hi Jason,

I wanted to lend my support as I see you're taking a new direction. Awesome and try not to get discouraged (easier said than done, I know) if/when you backslide because it's an important step toward your healing. As we're climbing, there are always loose boulders flying dangerously close in our direction, trying to knock us down. Keep ducking!

You have my love,
Terry
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: sonya on January 09, 2012, 06:00:44 AM
((((Jason)))

sounds like a plan. Love that you thinking positively at the moment. You are building branches to hold on to in the rough times. Keep climbing!

Sonya
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 10, 2012, 11:07:30 PM
So January 2nd I was felling good, though I was starting to come to terms with her passing. Even with all the headaches from the insurance company and all the paper work. Felt I was in control again. Now with the way I have felt the last 2 days I wonder if I was just numb for the holidays. I found that as soon as I get fustrated with anything it all comes rushing back. I was angry with her the night I lost her. I was fustrated with things that were out of my control and that I did not have the power to prevent or fix. Over the last 4 months I have not really allowed myself to get angry or fustrated by much, monday I did. I was trying to do something at work and every way I tryed I could not make it work, I got so fustrated that all the pain, all the lost came rushing back. Before I could get away tears were streaming down my face and I had no way to hide it. I lost all control over it. It was like day 1 all over again. I have come to beleive the only reason I have been getting any sleep is that I am so drained from holding the pain in and trying to make myself believe that I am ok with what has happened. I was doing this and I did not even realise it. It feels like now I have been lieing to myself and to all of you. I don't understand whats going on or why this is happening. I even went as far as to change everything I have been doing for the last 3 months. I have not been posting that much here or any where else. I stoped calling friends, I have not been to the cematery sence new years eve, I haven't wrote to my wife in almost 2 days. Some where in my broken, disfunctional mind I though if I avoided all these things that the pain would just go away. Now all that keeps running through my head is how tried I am of feeling like this and how much I just want this pain to stop, How I just want to be better. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live with out her, I don't know how to do this with out her. My heart, my will, and my soul are broken and I don't know how to fix it.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 11, 2012, 02:01:39 AM
"Warning"...... this is very long, so grab a cup of java or simply skip over it if a long read is not your thing! :)


So January 2nd I was felling good, though I was starting to come to terms with her passing. Even with all the headaches from the insurance company and all the paper work. Felt I was in control again. Now with the way I have felt the last 2 days I wonder if I was just numb for the holidays.


I've always found that the 'after holiday blues' are much worse than the holidays themselves. Because, first there is the build up. The months of anticipating a very difficult time of the year. And, it didn't last a day or even a week....it lasted months. WE feel the effects from it for quite sometime. Of course, we're all different and some do not experience it as long as others do. But, in the earlier years, it is a brutal time of the year and all rules are off. Anything goes. We deviate from where we were throughout the holiday season and find ourselves in a very different place afterwards.

Does that make any sense to you, the way I explained it? And, this is how I have experienced my grief going through the holidays and facing and trying to cope with other dates.

Over the last 4 months I have not really allowed myself to get angry or fustrated by much, monday I did. I was trying to do something at work and every way I tryed I could not make it work, I got so fustrated that all the pain, all the lost came rushing back. Before I could get away tears were streaming down my face and I had no way to hide it. I lost all control over it. It was like day 1 all over again.


So many different things and situations we deal with daily can bring us back to day "1" and keep bringing us back for a long time. It's backsliding and we all do it, Jason. No exceptions.

I have come to beleive the only reason I have been getting any sleep is that I am so drained from holding the pain in and trying to make myself believe that I am ok with what has happened. I was doing this and I did not even realise it. It feels like now I have been lieing to myself and to all of you. I don't understand whats going on or why this is happening. I even went as far as to change everything I have been doing for the last 3 months. I have not been posting that much here or any where else. I stoped calling friends, I have not been to the cematery sence new years eve, I haven't wrote to my wife in almost 2 days. Some where in my broken, disfunctional mind I though if I avoided all these things that the pain would just go away. Now all that keeps running through my head is how tried I am of feeling like this and how much I just want this pain to stop, How I just want to be better. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live with out her, I don't know how to do this with out her. My heart, my will, and my soul are broken and I don't know how to fix it.



But, now you realize that suppressing your pain just causes more. And, when we do that, we can become discouraged because we feel as if we are starting all over again and that thought, in itself is very draining. I've probably shared hundreds of times regarding 'staying busy' or 'taking a new direction,' too soon and I think I recently shared with you in a post below to "not get discouraged if and when you backslide" because it is an important step toward healing ourselves from the inside out. That took me a long time to come to terms with and to even understand.

We're like toddlers, after losing someone. We don't know how to walk yet, so we crawl. One day, we get the idea in our heads that we can stand upright, keeping our balance so we try to walk. And, just like a baby, we stand, still a little wobbly and without a lot of confidence, then all of a sudden and again just like a baby, we get this smile, this excited grin on our faces because we just realized that we're actually standing on our own. WOW!! What an awesome feeling!! Wait till Mom and Dad see this strut comin' up!! Then, we start to take a couple steps and we get even more excited so we start to run....then BAM, we fall right on our faces and it hurts so we cry, we cry a lot and we feel so bad because our bubble has just burst. Now, we're back in our cribs, where we're safe but feeling so helpless and so discouraged because we really thought we were going to take off across that room, and with no help.

This is how I view grieving and growing through our grief. Not until we've grown enough, learned enough and struggled enough are we going to be able to have the strength and the confidence to graduate from baby steps to long strides. And, even then there will be falls and we just have to keep getting back up, brushing ourselves off and starting all over again. But, each walk becomes longer as we become stronger.

And, you aren't lying to anyone, Jason. You're doing the best you can. The very best. You're taking different avenues and expecting a different result. Haven't we all? In time, you will find that path where you are comfortable and feel stronger and even peaceful. But, this takes time and a lot of patience. Because, there is no way around the pain. There are no short cuts when grieving. We have to feel it, deal with it and keep moving forward, all the while becoming stronger to be able to face and cope with all of the feelings that lie ahead. This is the 'work of grief' and it's the hardest work we'll ever have to do in our lifetime. But, we DO learn to live with the pain. It becomes tolerable. And, as we continue to move forward, we remember, even feeling the pain, we remember and with so much love, all of the wonderful memories, the good times and they will come more often as we grow from our learning.

I don't think your heart or your will are broken, Jason. Your heart is good and it's open. Your will is strong because you're fighting, for you. It takes a lot of courage to share these feelings that most of us feel but don't write down. Writing it down makes it concrete, so real and that's facing your pain, not running from it. I don't know how to 'fix' a broken heart because it's broken due to a great loss from our lives and I don't believe there's a fix for that. There is mending, though. Tending to new wounds that re-open. Until one day, the patches stick. They don't fall off as easily as they used to. But, they are always there. They are there as a reminder of our wounds and it's the time, the patience and the love that allows scar tissue to cover that wound and that scar tissue will remain as a reminder of our great loss. Though it toughens with time, it will never go away. The hardest part is accepting that.

You know I love you, buddy and I'm always here for you. You hold on. A lot of people care for you and with your openness and kindness, you have helped many people on this journey. Don't ever doubt that, my friend.

Keep that beautiful heart open. We need you.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: sonya on January 11, 2012, 03:39:34 AM
Terry that was a very beautiful post. You said so many things that have helped me to understand this journey and that I am sure have helped Jason too.
Jason hold on my friend. We are all there with you, so please continue to post when you need to. As often as you want to.
I too feel like a fraud sometimes because I am so up and down emotionally. One day inamorata ok and then the next incannot get out of bed. When I feel ok again i sometimes feel as if that means that I don't care. It takes a lot to remember that it's what Tony would have wanted. He would not want me to be so broken, would want me to build myself up, take the time to heal and livecwell.
So that's what I am trying to do. I need to be gentle on myself and allow myself to be that toddler taking baby steps so that one day I can walk out into the world and experience all the things for tone that he could not stay to do for himself.
Maybe if these thoughts are helping me to put one foot infront of the other than they may help you too.

I hope so. Take good care,
Son x
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: MyLou on January 11, 2012, 03:58:38 AM
((((((((((((((((( JASON )))))))))))))))))))))

Hold on my friend. You aren't lying to yourself or anyone.  You tried something different and it's OK. You are going to have those days you fall and it's OK then your try again the next day.  Don't be so hard on yourself. We are here for you.


(((((((((((((( TERRY ))))))))))))))))))

Thank for taking the time and writing that, it was  so beautiful and true.  I am still having my days going on 14 months.

Love,

Lisa
 
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 11, 2012, 08:14:27 PM
Thank you all for the support.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I will post more in the morning I just don't have the energy to write tonight.


Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: browneyedgirl on January 12, 2012, 01:30:08 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 12, 2012, 10:24:31 PM
I was hoping to have the engery this morning to write and I did but I have lost my voice. I stare at the screen and can't not find the words to expreess how I am feeling or what is going on in my life. I though if I waited till tonight I would have something to say, but I still do not. The only word that keeps circling in my head is overwelmed. To much to do, to many responablities,not enough time and no energy. I am just tired and lonely. Well I guess I did find some words. Praying tomarrow will be a better day.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 13, 2012, 11:02:33 PM
Terry
 I was going to quote you but the inspiring message so long I that I would just make a mess out of it. I am not to the toddler phase yet more like an infant. I can not stand up yet I am barely holding my head up. But I will keep trying, if for no other reason she would want me too.

Soyna
 Remember that game shoots and latters, I feel like some days I get to go up that really big latter 2 spaces from the end only to land on that very long slide and go all the way back to the begining again. You are not a fraud, and you will always care. We all have those days when we feel ok and i know I feel the guilt when I do, but like you said they would not us to live like this.

Lisa
((((((((((hugs))))))))))) For calling when you knew I could not.

Kevin
My friend this is a very hard journy we are on and many days it does feel pointless to keep going on for the sake of going on. Never backspace how you feel, that beautiful,wonderful soul is right. And just by being in this black pit with me is helping, we will find a way out together. We will find a way to help each other.


Pam
thank you for knowing that a hug says everything you need to say.

Thank you all I don't think I will ever be able express how much you all mean to me.((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: MyLou on January 14, 2012, 04:45:15 AM
(((((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))))

No thanks needed my friend, and I will call again to check on you  :icon_flower:


Always,

Lisa
 
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 14, 2012, 01:33:50 PM
Terry
 I was going to quote you but the inspiring message so long I that I would just make a mess out of it. I am not to the toddler phase yet more like an infant. I can not stand up yet I am barely holding my head up. But I will keep trying, if for no other reason she would want me too.


I think that's a good reason, Jas! I understand how the pain can change us. And, that's the very best that any of us can do, is to keep trying.

Always here for you, with love & support,
Terry
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: oneangel on January 15, 2012, 10:11:56 PM
The only word that keeps circling in my head is overwelmed. To much to do, to many responablities,not enough time and no energy. I am just tired and lonely.
Jason
[/quote]


This is exactly how I always feel; tired, lonely, overwhelmed, no energy to get the things done that need to get done. I have to work, get my two older kids to school, take care of the house, groceries, extra-curricular activities for the kids, and th gym for myself, plus I don't sleep well. I have no idea how I get anything done on most days. I function on fumes. No wonder I haven't really lost any weight. I feel hopeless that I will ever get to a place where I will be comfortable in my new life without my husband; he is all I can think about- always!
I feel for you Jason. And I have been in this for just over two years now. I don't know how to live life without him.
I guess we just have to keep going and see where life takes us next.
(((Jason)))
Angela
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 18, 2012, 06:59:31 AM
((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))

My mind , my heart will not accept that she is gone. I find myself still waiting for the call to go get her. Every time the door opens my heart skips a beat hope it will be her coming home. Some where inside I know she is never coming back,but as soon as though enters my mind, it leaves, almost as if I am changeing my own interal conversation. I hope that makes sence.

When I first lost my wife, the living arrangements I am in now were good. My bother and his wife took care of alot of things for me. It was a new place, I did not see her or feel her in everything. Now it like they just expect me to go back who I was. Some how 5 months is enought time to get over losing someone you spent the last 20 years getting to know. i have tryed to tell them that this is not something you get over but you have to learn to live with.  At first noone would leave me alone which was proably a good thing, but now it is all I want. I was able to get myself up and fight my way through the day, now I have lost the will to fight, I don't want to. Some where is my broken mind I though if I got up every day did what I had to do this pain and heart ache would ease up in a few months. I have no idea where that though came from or why I would think i could just ease through this. Tonight at 12:30 it will be 5 month mark for the beginning of my hell. I feell more raw pain than I did before. In the beginning I was numb amd in shock for a while, and everytime I was coming out of the shock I found find out something new that would put me right back into it. Now there is nothing new to find and time is marching on, and pain is growing more intense.  I pray for the day the pain will not overwhelm me any more, that I can function with out it taking all my energy just to get out of bed. That all of us may find so peace.



Thanks for listening

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 19, 2012, 07:21:15 AM
Today is 5 months and pain is just as intence as it was in the beginning if not more. She is now the focus of my dreams as well. Going to sleep nolong offers any relief from the pain. These dreams are more like nightmares and I just wake up crying. The dreams started about 2 weeks ago. At first they were not every night, but for the last 4 it has been everynight. I am afraid to go to sleep now, knowing that I will wake up sometime in the middle of night with tears rooling down my face. That the dreams will be so real that I will get up to go see if she is in the house some where. I am losing my mind yesterday I though I saw her come out of the bedroom and go it the bathrooom. I am scared that this is greif is going to take what little of my mind i have left. I feel so out of control right now. The lines are starting to blur between what is real and what is just in my head. She has now taken control of my whole life. I am lost.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Doug1222 on January 19, 2012, 11:57:53 AM
Jason, I'm not sure what made me open this thread. I'm dealing with a very different situation, and I think this is the first time I've looked at the spouse board. Reading your story has moved me, though. It nearly brought tears that I so badly need to deal with my problems. Following what you're going through has helped me.

I don't have any answers, but I just want to say that you're not alone. I'm thinking of you.
Doug
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 19, 2012, 02:41:24 PM

Thank You, Jason for coming on and sharing these things with us, as you know you are loved and cared for here. Please be patient with yourself. It's only been 5 very short months. I don't know if you're doing it, but a lot of us do; we compare the way we're grieving to the way others are and we expect to be doing much better.

Everyone of my losses and the way I grieved was unique but when I lost my surviving son, I also lost a big part of me. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing him in cars passing by. I would see him on the beach and run up to him screaming his name, and of course it wasn't him. Yes, it can feel like we're losing our minds, but we're not. And, you are not, either Jason.

Are you still attending grief share and the other meetings? Or did you stop?

Today marks 5 months since she died. A date of any significance or might I say, the anticipation of that date will bring about unusual behaviors. They change our sleep patterns and yes, even cause us to hallucinate.

It might not be a bad idea to call your family doctor and maybe have some tests run, to eliminate other factors. We can become very ill when grieving as our immune systems take a severe beating.

We're all here for you. I love you.
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: sonya on January 19, 2012, 03:57:50 PM
(((((((((((((Jason)))))))))))))))))I dont know what to say but to reiterate what has already been said. We are all here for you. We care. We may not feel exactly the same but can definately share simialrities.

I think it is a wise suggestion for you to go and see a doctor at the moment as you do sound very low indeed.
I know that you tried to find grief counselling nearby but were unable to do so, maybe your dr can help with that too.

I dont know what else to sayt but that I am sending you all the hugs and love that I can. Hope that you feel some warmth in that,

take the best care that you can and come back sn xxx

Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: MyLou on January 19, 2012, 05:10:20 PM
((((((((((((((((((((( JASON ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

We are all here and you aren't losing your mind, grieving takes over our whole being.  I thought I was going crazy and I was told I wasn't.  I feel your pain and always keeping you close. 

I really think maybe you should talk to your doctor if things don't change. I know that date of every month is hard for you, me and everyone.

Always sending my love and hugs to you !!!

Love,
Lisa   [/color[/
b]]
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: oneangel on January 19, 2012, 07:30:23 PM
Jason,
My heart goes out to you. I hate that you are going through such pain, but just as everyone else here, we know what you are going through. It sucks, it is unfair, it doesn't make any sense why we are put through such pain, no one deserves to feel this way. I do have to tell you that it has been just a short while since you lost your wife and that means your grief is peaking. Know that you are NOT going crazy. I remember someone told me, when I told them I felt I was going crazy. They said, 'crazy people don't know they are going crazy' ;)
If you are concerned about what other people are saying about you starting to 'move on', just let them talk. You are grieving the right way because it is your way. Take some time for yourself; listen to some music, sleep in, watch some movies, and see a doctor to just voice your concerns to someone who may be able to help you on your end. And please, do not stop chatting with us. We are here for you, just like you have been for us, for me!
Thinking of you!  (((((((Jason)))))))
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 19, 2012, 10:31:06 PM
Thank you for your messages of resurance that I am not crazy. A while back I had wrote about how from november to august was going to be hell. A one or more specail days in every month. My sons 18th birthday is coming in about 2 weeks, she want so much to give him a party, I think it is weighing heavly on my heart that I do not have energy to though him a party nor does he wish to really celabrate his birthday. For the next several months there are going to a day that will be hers almost every two weeks. This is going to a very hard time peroid for me. I don't think I every really realised how much I made my life all about her until now. She really was my everything, it was always about her.

I have read and reread all your replys. Know I am not alone on this path helps a great deal. I had 3 hour lunch today with my griefshare group leader. The church it is held in offers one on one counsling. I will be going to the countsling. I do still attend greifshare, the cycle has restarted and I am still going. I think I found the source of my nightmares. When I went though her cloths in the begining of the month I took most of her sweat pants and t-shirts to sleep in to feel closer to her. I am thinking now this was a bad idea. I just realised tonight that I have been sleeping in her cloths for the last 2 weeks.  So tonight I will sleep in my own cloths and I pray it brings me some pleaceful rest.

You have all touched my heart I honest did not think I could feel love again. You are all very important to me. I hope that if you ever need I can help you all as much as you have helped me.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Love, hugs,and prayers))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
May you all find some peace tonight even if its just for a few hours.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 20, 2012, 12:11:04 PM

Hey Buddy,

So nice to see a post from you, an update when I logged on! These dates are nothing less than, brutal Jason, and as you shared, you're having to deal with so many. They bring every memory to the surface and not only the ones we wish we would remember. The painful ones. The ones we struggle daily with.

It's such a terrible shock to our bodies, but especially our hearts. At all costs, we have to guard our hearts. Staying away from those that cause us more pain (and that's not always easy) and it's taking time for ourselves everyday to be good to ourselves. We can get lost. Swallowed up in our grief then we find ourselves in a very dark and lonely place. And, it's hard work staying out of that place.

Keep posting and sharing all of your feelings. It's what kept me alive.

Thank you for the wishes for peace for everyone. I felt peace when I read your post. And, hope!

Always here for you! You have been there for me through all of my struggles and pain, Jason. You are always a great support and I appreciate you, so very much.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: arthur on January 20, 2012, 09:25:07 PM
Hi Jason..I just had to post to say hi and to say I know what you are going through with the nightmares. I still have them myself..but for me it is dreams of my wife coming back to me..and making plans with her about what we are going to do the next day. Then I wake up thinking about if Maureen could find the time to go with me to an event...and then realizing she isn't here, she's not going anywhere with me, shes gone. Then the tears start.  Dreams are supposed to be an escape from grief, but when I dream like this, they are a trial. I guess its all part of healing our inner selves.   
     I am so glad you are attending griefshare.  What an amazing resource this is. You can tell it was written by people who have had serious experience with grieving.  Sometimes I swear some of the things in the workbook about grief were bought up that week just for me in encountering a specific problems I have with my grief.  This week's lesson(we're on week 10) has an  truth about grieving I found illuminating..no one grieves perfectly..every griever will make mistakes
in handling their grief. Lord knows I've done this. 
Hang in there Jason.  Take care, arthur
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 21, 2012, 05:53:09 AM
Arthur thank you for the update and your words of encoragement. please post again soon and tells us how you are doing.

Terry these dates as you said are brutal, I am trying so hard to just take it one day at a time, but lately that has seemed imposable. I have a question I was going to ask in pm but though others might be going through the same thing so I will ask here. These very painful spells I am going through, is this what it is like? Is this what I have to learn to live with? Because honestly I don't know if I can. I barly kept it together at work yesterday, as soon as I got in my car the tears started and lasted for atleast an hour. Through the tears I felt an overwheling urge to go see her so I drove to the cematery to visit. These last few days I was wishing for the corage the ability to be able to lose the pain or take my own life. I held this back from my other postes did not want to scare anyone. I have kids and I know i will not act on these thoughs, I am all they have left and I can not leave them, but thoughs are still there. I don't have the words to express how much I wish I could be self disdructive like I once was, how I wish I did not care. How much I wish she did not mean so much to me, that I could just let go of all this pain and keep going on with my life. These are the thoughts circleing in my head the last couple of days when I wasn't just overwhelmed by the pain. I am feeling better today the tide wave of pain and loss has past. Now I try to recover and prepare for the next one.


Thanks for listening
Jason

Ps. I do have some it isn't all bad. This moorning I wake to the ground covered with snow, I was able to look at it and smile remembering how much she used to love to see the snow.
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 21, 2012, 10:55:50 AM
Oh sweetie,

I can only share what I've personally been through and what has worked for me and if something clicks and you can relate, that would be great. No two people, and I know that phrase sounds over-used but it's so true...grieve alike. The 'spells' you refer to, I have come to know as 'grief bursts' and they come out of, not nowhere because they come from the pain of our loss, but they come without any warning and can literally knock us down for the count. Pain doesn't speak...it screams and it's akin to a demon being inside trying to claw it's way out of us. That's how I view a 'grief burst.'

But, the really good news is they become less frequent over time and less intense in severity.  And, the reason you're hearing that this is what you're going to have to learn to live with. But, it won't be this intense pain that you are feeling now. Please believe that. Because if you didn't believe it, then you wouldn't have much reason to continue on this journey because then HOPE would be taken out of the equation and without HOPE, we cannot last a day.

And, remember that 'one day at a time' is too long in the beginning. Baby steps. One moment. One minute. One hour. Then, after a long time has passed, (and that time can come at any time and will be welcomed into your life) we make it for 3 or 4 hours a day, holding steady and feeling our balance and then the day will come when you will be able to cope with the pain for an entire day. That's when I knew I was on my way. But, that didn't come over night. It certainly didn't come after just 5 months. With my surviving son, it came after 3 long years.

When we love deeply, our grief and pain is fueled by that love. I couldn't even see straight at 5 months, let alone think about how I was going to live with the pain. I was just trying to make it through each day without screaming and losing my voice.

Take 'time' and shove it right now. It means nothing. Take care of Jason each moment of each hour and of each day and do the best you can. There is no magic pill we can take and there's no amount of alcohol that will take the pain away, because alcohol is a depressant and numbs the pain temporarily and then it comes back full force when it wears off. It was tempting, but if I was to start drinking after my son died, I wouldn't be alive today. Or, if I were to survive, I would be in the same place I was when he first died.

I posted my feelings every day. Sometimes 4 and 5 times a day. I also journal and do still to this day. We can't, not even for an hour suppress anything we're feeling. It's like poison to our systems. What do we do when we're nausiated? We throw up. It's the same with pain. When we feel pain, we get it out. Your posting these feelings is so healthy, Jason and you'll benefit from sharing your pain. Truly.


 These last few days I was wishing for the corage the ability to be able to lose the pain or take my own life.


You can't lose the pain. The pain and the love and the memories...it's a package deal. The pain is from your great love and to lose the pain would be to lose all memory of that great love. You can, however 'manage' the pain.

I never underestimate the power these dates have over us. They can take us to a very dark place and HOPE doesn't live there. And, it's not always the actual date rather the anticipation of that date that can tear us apart. I take very good care of myself, especially physically. Eating well, sleeping well and getting enough exercise. It's almost like preparing for an event that we know is going to use a lot of our resources. I distance myself from people who cause me pain and distress. That's the best I can do. Then, I deal with it the best I can and am never disappointed in myself because I am only human.

You loved your wife and not only for 5 months. So, the grief, the pain and all that you're feeling will also last much longer than 5 months. It's the price of loving, Jason. When someone dies we love, our lives are changed over night. That is an adjustment that cannot be taken lightly.

Keep posting. Keep sharing all of those feelings. Because it leads to healing our broken hearts. Your heart will heal to the point where you want to live your life again and experience new things, new people. Have HOPE! It's something we can never lose sight of.

I look for something beautiful in each day. You found it this morning, Jason in the snow and in the memory of your wife. That's HOPE!

(((((((Jason)))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: johnkmurray on January 21, 2012, 12:39:28 PM
Jason,

I don't know that anything I can say will add to what Terry posted above, but what I can offer is this: The pain, the bad days, the 'bursts' of sheer agonizing grief, they will become less frequent, begin to shorten in duration, and you will begin to spend longer periods in what will become your new 'normality'. Not normal, that was lost with your dear wife, just as mine was lost when Kit died, but a new normal that allows you to function day to day, to interact with people, and yes, even to enjoy life again. It takes times ... sometimes baby steps .. but slowly it gets better. I'm having a rough time today - Kit's birthday - but even in my pain I can recognize that today is not nearly as bad as this day was a year ago. April 7th will mark two years since I lost my soulmate. I won't kid you, it still hurts far more than I've ever hurt before, but those bursts come with less frequency, intensity and are of shorter duration.

Hang in there brother,

John
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: angie on January 21, 2012, 05:02:52 PM
                      ((((((((((  JASON    ))))))))))

      Huge hugs to you.I am holding you in my heart
                                     xxxxxxxx
       You have helped me so much in my posts I just hope this helpd you a bit now.
                               
                                THINKING OF YOU
                                   
                                           Angie
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 24, 2012, 04:14:08 PM
(((((((((((((((((((Terry and John))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for sharing your experance and knowlage with me. I still have a hard time accepting after 5 months that the pain is still so intence at times. I could have never though this could hurt so bad for so long. It is not the fact that she gone that hurts so much now it all those little things I use to take forgranted that are hurting so much now. When she got hurt and she could not longer do much I morned the loss of the future we had planed, we still had hope that the doctors could help but we both knew it was a long road back. Now I just miss her everything about her the smells, the sound of her voice, the messes she made, everything she did to keep me so busy. I just miss the preson who knew me better than I knew myself. the one I could talk all the time even if she had no clue what I was talking about she would still listen.

((((((((((((((((Angie ))))))))))))))))))
thank you

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: browneyedgirl on January 24, 2012, 04:52:19 PM
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jason))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't have many words for you, I am sorry, but you're in my thoughts. 

lots of love.
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: arthur on January 24, 2012, 09:06:46 PM
"It is not the fact that she gone that hurts so much now it all those little things I use to take forgranted that are hurting so much now"

Hi Jason...I feel the same exact way about my wife Maureen. I keep asking myself..how could I be so conceited and selfish while she was alive to have taken so much of who she was and the time I spent with her for granted?? Now she is gone I miss all those moments.  God this has been such a hard 2 days. I am crying as I write this because the grief keeps coming and never seems to end, as memories of us getting lost together while I was taking her to an appointment keep coming back. My coworkers ignore me while I try to hold it all in at work to concentrate on the job. I sure hope we can both get through this Jason. Take care, arthur
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 25, 2012, 06:06:53 AM
(((((((((((((((((((Pam)))))))))))))))))))))))

You don't have to have words. You listen to us and confort us, that is more than some us can get from are own familys.

(((((((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))))))))))

My friend I have found for me any time I make a change from my routine, the pain, the hurt, the loss comes right back and slaps me in the face. Even the littlest change seems to have this effect on me. I went to get my hair cut, I cryed for an hour after it. When to get new shoes, cryed after. Anything I do that she would have been apart of, takes me right back to that dark place of pain. I notice a crack in one of the lens in my glasses so before they broke I went to get new ones. Went to the same place I have always went, the exam I was fine for, but when the pulled my records to see when the last time I got new ones, it was 08 the year she got hurt. I could not help myself crying my eyes out in front of total stranger again. It hit me so hard that had spent so much time over the last 3 years taking care of her that I really did nothing for myself. I honestly feel this is why it hurts so much. Everything I did every appointment I made had make sure she was ok, that the kids were ok and that I had enough time to take care of daily life before I could add those little extra things that have to be done. We are on a long and painful path, it seems every time we come to a turn in the road it circles us back to a place of pain, but we do still end up alittle further along. I don't know how long this journey is but I am glad that I don't have to travel alone.

Hang in there my friend, we will someday get to the other side.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: browneyedgirl on January 25, 2012, 12:27:22 PM
Thanks, Jason.  I have been struggling for over a month, and my presence here on the Board has been less than it should be......don't want to highjack your thread here, =)

Arthur - love the avatar of Marreen, she looks very happy - so sorry to read you're reliving that memory and it's so painful for you.
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 25, 2012, 02:52:46 PM
(((((((((((((Pam)))))))))))))))
You always listen to us and take time to answer. I am (we) are always willing to listen to you. If you hi-jack my thread, so be it . We are all here to support each other as best we can. You and Terry are moderators but you are also human and dealing with your own losses and everything that comes with them. If you need to post please do and let us try to help you as much you have us.

Hoping to here from you so.

Jason
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: arthur on January 25, 2012, 09:05:20 PM
Thanks Pam, Jason for the words of support. They mean so much.  I hope both one day will find healing of your souls.
Pam- why don't you post a thread and let us know how you are doing? I'd like to hear more about your grief. You always support others..but you say little of yourself. You deserve support too!
Jason-hang in there man. I think our losses are more similar in ways than would appear. I had to caregive for my wife as you did yours. I think that adds to our grief somehow beyond losing our wives. Take care Jason..and hang in there..we'll both get through this dark time in our lives somehow. 
-arthur
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: jasonkl on January 26, 2012, 06:24:35 AM
Arthur

Yes I do think having have been her primary caregiver for those years does adds some different twists in the road on this journey. Haveing to figure out what to do with all the extra time you have is hard. For the frist few months I was still only sleeping 4 hours a night and still waking up to check on her. Now I do sleep about 6 and every now and then longer. I also don't wake up every night any more to check on her only happens once or twice a week now. Not having to go to the doctors every other week is just a reminder she is not here any more hurts to. But for me there is a small blessing in there to because she was unable to do much for the last 3 years I had already started to morn the loss of the life we had planned together, so this is one part of the journey I have already gone through. The biggest twist I think for me any way is the guilt of feeling releif, that I nolonger have to worry the every time I leave that something is going to happen to her, I don't have to watch her suffer in pain anymore , no more counting pills, no more endless doctor appointments, and the biggest one no more prayers for her to have some kind of releif form the pain, that prayer was answered. Just not the way I wanted.

There was something else I wanted to share a few weeks back I wrote about a letter the insurace company sent me wanting the last 5 years of her medical history. I got all the paper work together, in the end I had to fax them close to 70 pages. most of which was just from the pharacy. I am hoping that this will be the end of the paper work, but I have a feeling it is just the begining.


Thanks for listening
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 28, 2012, 03:09:51 AM

(((((((Jason))))))) (((((((Arthur)))))))

You have my love.
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: MyLou on January 28, 2012, 04:25:22 AM
(((((((((((( JASON )))))))))))))))

((((((((((( ARTHUR )))))))))))))))

Sending hugs and love

Always,

Lisa
 
Title: Re: I don't know what to call this
Post by: Terry on January 31, 2012, 09:40:54 AM

Hi guys,

Feel free to start a NEW TOPIC as when the post counts reach this high, there is always the concern that certain topics/members needs can get overlooked and the reason we're going to retire this thread. All posts deserve individual attention in order for everyone to be receiving support.

See my original post regarding this concern: http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7061.0.html (http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7061.0.html)

Thanks,
Terry

This thread is locked.