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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: sonya on October 17, 2011, 05:22:11 AM
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Hi. Tony died on August 23. I wasnt there. He was my husband, we were not together any more but were talking about giving it another go. I am living in a different country and feel extremely alone.
Not doing very well. Nothing matters but this loss. I have been so angry this week and drinking too much and not eating enough. I know none of this is good but keep doing it anyway.
I dont know what to do with these feelings and have no one to talk to about this. Massive guilt, pain , empty, it just all hurts.
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(((Sonya)))
I'm so sorry your precious Tony died. Are there any local churches nearby where you're living? There are usually groups that meet and if not there is the pastor/priest to talk with. Try Hospice in your area. I can't imagine your loneliness right now with no one to support you, but know that you have us here and can come day or night and we'll listen with an open heart.
Post on the Spouse Loss Board as there are many members active there who will share their stories with you and offer comfort and support. They are a wonderful group of people who have lost their spouses/significant others and will understand what you are going through.
Welcome to our Webhealing family. I'm glad you found us and please know that you are loved and cared for.
Come back and tell us more about Tony when you are feeling up to it. Someone is always here to listen.
Sending you lots of hugs that I wish you could feel and all of my love,
Terry
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Welcome Sonya. My condolences on the loss of your husband, Tony. I would suggest you try and find a local grief/loss group at a local church, or via a hospital or hospice. What you are experiencing many others before you have been through and continue to experience. Getting through the grief may help you get control over the negative emotional responses (drinking too much, not eating properly, lack of sleep, etc...) I speak for myself in that I have experienced the same things as well. I am going to two separate groups weekly (http://www.GriefShare.org (http://www.GriefShare.org)) , working through as much as I can. I know that, at the end of the sessions, I will continue to struggle through the grief. It isn't a cure but it will provide tools to help me cope. And the talking about it with others who understand and can empathize helps.
There are some very fine people on these forums that you can chat with as well, night or day. I keep re-reading your post and I can identify with the emotion, the pain. I am just over three months in from the unexpected loss of my wife, Denise. I am past the numbing shock/pain and only now starting to really dealing with the deep pain...the absolute reality of it, the burden of it.
I wish you the very best. And I will pray for you. I pray you find the emotional support you will need in the next part of your life. Please hang around and lean on this forum's members, your friends, your family, your church...anyone that can help you navigate through this time. But know that you are not alone. There are others here in a similar situation. And we care. God bless you.
Welcome.
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Dear Sonya ~
I am so very sorry for the loss of Tony.
Welcome to Webhealing. I am sorry you have to be here with us. You will find many lovging, caring people here who understand what you are going though. We are all here to listen and we all care very much.
Please come back soon and let us know how you're doing.
Sending love and light.
P.S. My brother's name is Tony, too. :(
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Hi Sonya,
I am sorry about the loss of your husband. I too lost my husband almost two years ago. I also have three children under the age of eight. I understand what you are going through with not knowing how to deal with the pain of him no longer being there. I also don't have too many people to talk to about my grief, so being able to talk here is helpful. I can say what I am feeling and know that people who are experiencing the same feelings can share with me their grief and what is helping them cope. Know that we are here for you whenever you want to chat. Hospice is a good idea if they have soomeone who has suffered a loss of a husband/significant other that you can talk to.
I hope you find the strength in dealing with your grief in a different way other than drinking because we don't want you falling ill as well.
I hope to hear from you soon!
Sending you strength!
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Sonya
Sorry for your loss. I unexpectedly lost my wife augest 19. I 'm still new to this too. Struggle every day with those same feelings. I can tell you that there isn't enough alcohol in the world to take these feelings away. (I know this because I tryed to drink it away for at least a week and all those feelings just wouldn't go away.) I have one thing that conforts me. I know that because I am going through this, she will never have to. There are times that this thought is only thing that keeps me going.
I come here often, like you not many people around me that understand what I/we are going through. I did find a group at a local church, it does help. I hope you find a group or someone who can listen and understand. If you need to talk there is almost always someone here to listen and share with you.
jason
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Thank you all for your replies. Its awful that there are so many of us and selfishly 'good' that there is somone out there to talk to ( I know that you understand what I mean by good!)
I am going to go to bed so wont talk now about what happened. I just want to say a massive thank you. This has helped me to have a good day today. And no booze! I am not an alcoholic just on self-destruct for a while it seems. TRyning very hard to find more positive ways.
So good day today. Hoping for hope for tomorrow. x
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(((sonya))))
We are here for you when you're ready. I am glad that you had a good day today.
Lots of love.
Pam
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Sonya ~ checking in on you. Please post if you wish.
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Hi All,
I posted a while back and finally feel right about writing again. Its nowtwo and a half months since he died.
I had a dream a few nights ago when I spoke with Tone. Was a mixed up and confused dream but I felt close to him and that he was happy. Although I woke in tears again, this time i felt he loved me and didnt blame me. Although I continue to blame myself it is much less. I have had a few good days and am starting to see beyond today and into the week ahead.
Although its only a short-term look into the future its a start. I am drinking far less and starting to eat and have been seeing a counsellor once a week which has helped massively. I dont have any support from family and limited support from friends as I now everyone has their own busy lives and families.
I still find it overwhelming that he has gone. That he decided to commit suicide. That in our last conversation I was mean to him and selfish. That he could be here with me now if only....
But I am doing better. That dream made me see that he wanted me to live and explore and do all the things he was unable to do and so I am trying to live my best life for him.
Its really hard and I want him here. He was the one that I would have shared such grief with. He was the one that I would share my successes and failures with. He is the one that I want.
So as I struggle to find meaning and a point to move forward I think of that dream. I pray for more dreams and hope that he is happy and has forgiven me. And I try to find moments where I can be happy and forgive myself.
Great, now I am in tears again so need to stop and fix my face and present myself to a class full of kids!
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So good to hear from you, Sonya and that such positive change is taking place. Good for you! It takes a lot of courage to take the steps you have. We're here to support you, either way.
I'm glad you had a visit from Tone and you feel peaceful. It's always so encouraging when they visit us.
Thanks so much for the update, as I think of you often. I look forward to hearing more about your Tone and how things are progressing for you.
Sending hugs & understanding,
Love,
Terry
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[quote author=sonya link=topic=7230.msg52018#msg52
I still find it overwhelming that he has gone. That he decided to commit suicide. That in our last conversation I was mean to him and selfish. That he could be here with me now if only....
Its really hard and I want him here. He was the one that I would have shared such grief with. He was the one that I would share my successes and failures with. He is the one that I want.
[/quote]
All sounds Like something I could have wrote. Glad you are doing better. Post when you need to we will be here.
jason
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Thanks for your replies guys. I really appreciate them.
Such a positive day turned very sour after all. Guess its a bit like commenting on how great the weather is for a storm to brew up out of no where!
So baby steps it is. Trying to be gentle to myself though the world seems cruel and stinging from all directions.
I know this sounds very self-pitying but it is. And this seems like the only safe and anonymous place that I can be self-pitying.
Here I dont need to put on a brave face, be strong, hold it together.
Not complain and bring others down. Not worry about being unprofessional as it seems work is the only thing I have left so cant fuck that up by being weak.
Blahh angry rant.
Want to stay in bed forever.
Want to take a bath and unscrew my head so that I can take out my brain and rinse it clear with tepid water.
Want to wake up 5 years ago and change everything.
Want to wake up 13 years ago and not change a thing.
Want to wake up and not feel so angry and broken.
Never want to wake up and not feel broken that this has happened.
Want to dream every night and speak to him.
IWant to have him make me laugh so easily.
Want to feel butterflies as I see him notice me and break out in that big smile like the sun
Want to smell that end of a summer's day skin
Want to tell all our secrets and feel special that they were only ours
Want to wake up and watch him sleeping
Want to shave his beard again 'though he knew how clumsy I am
Want to hold his fat little fingers
Want to feel his breath as we hug
Want to pluck out those random hairs off his shoulder
Want to bust him dancing in the living room
Want to be all i thought that we could be
Want to live the life that I'd hoped
Want to know for sure he knew how much I loved him
Love him
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I hear you! :(
((((((Sonya))))))
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yes
That was the first thing that poped into my head after reading your post.Thats was best anger rant.
One second at a time because in the time it takes to think about one second at a time 30 have gone by. It makes it so much easier when the time goes fast than you can think about it.
Jason
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(((sonya)))
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I really liked your rant. I can relate. It made a few tears flow. Poetic.
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I went to see the counsellor today again. So much pain is brought up every time I see her but I feel that with every tissue that goes into the bin, so does a little hurt, a little anger.
I had a dream last week. Tone came to see me. He told me he was happy and I felt that so much. That all his problems and fears had gone. He told me to live my best life and come live with him again in a few years but not now.
So thats what I am trying to do.
Last week a group that works with street children came to ask me for help. They teach kids dance, music, acrobatics and juggling. If they come they get fed and so social workers can try and help them reunite with families. Most are opn drugs and getting fit builds their self-esteem and helps them get off and stay off drugs.
Tone struggled with addiction. When he was a younger man he used to juggle, fire breathe and ride unicycles. This project seems perfect. A way to give my life purpose. Inspirational and very talented kids given hope and the chance to get off the streets of Nairobi. And a link to Tone in many ways.
I have set things in motion, links with school, a deal on a heavy discount for use of a theatre.
Suddenly there is hope. Excitement and purpose.
A very rocky road but I can see further ahead. I realised today that a few weeks agon I couldnt plan further than the next lesson. Then I could see to break and lunch. A couple of weeks ago I could see a week. Today I realised that I had planned an INSET workshop for January.
It seems like such a breakthrough. That a (short-term) future is unfolding.
And so I am ready to find a way to say goodbye soon. The funeral was not relevent and did not serve the purpose it is meant to, so I feel that I have not had one. If that makes sense? I guess I need a sort of private memorial. Would love to hear anyone's suggestions.
Currently I am living in Africa which holds no memories of him. Going back to Uk at Christmas and it is his birthday on New Year's Eve so that could be a possible date to do something...though it will be very cold! Any suggestions?
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Sonya
Good to hear you have found thing to look forward to and found a way to see past the next hour into a future. I have not made it that far yet.
I'm not sure how to tell you to say good bye, but I can share with you what I do when I visit her. I bring flowers and I talk to her. I tell her I love Her and I miss her. I hope this helps in some way.
Jason
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((((sonya)))))
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Thanks Jason and Broweyedgirl.
I talk to him all the time too. Unfortunately there is no grave, no plaque to bring flowers to. Thats why I want to do something somewhere to create a place that I can go to.
Think it may involve a bonfire and a letter and a photo. ANd some bloody thick thermal underwear if I am going to be outside in the UK in winter!
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Sonya
I have an idea for you now. I ordered a temp marker for my wife. I couldn't stand seeing her new place unmarked. The company is called Thomson Monuments. I got her what they call a road side cross. It looks very nice and it comes with a customized name plate. This may give you what you are looking for.
Jason
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Thanks Jason.
Do you have a website address that I could take a look at?
Sonya
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Sorry I thought I did. Here it is. http://thompsonmonuments.com/. (http://thompsonmonuments.com/.) They changed there page alittle. You may have to enter the road side cross into a search on the site but it is still there. I just checked.
Jason
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Thanks :)
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You are welcome.