Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: cewilso on April 24, 2011, 02:53:13 PM

Title: New comer
Post by: cewilso on April 24, 2011, 02:53:13 PM
I have been reading some posts and find it all very helpful, however it seems we all still have issues to address.  I could use some advice.  I lost Wayne 4 months ago.  He was alcoholic and was very ill at the time but not to the point of death.  He had not been drinking for 3 days when he fell and hit his head.  He died the next day of massive bleeding on the brain.  We had been down a rocky road for several months dealing with the possible return of prostrate cancer.  He couldn't deal with it and had started drinking heavily again.  Our daughter said I was being mean to her father prior to his death and refuses to let me see the grandchildren.  She does not speak to me and would not let them come to see their great grandmother today because I was there.  She only comes there anyway when she wants something.   My Mom has been very ill for the past month and is just now getting better.  My sister and I have been alternating staying with her around the clock.  My daughter only saw her twice in the past month when my sister told her to go. 
We also have one son and she has not spoken to him either since Wayne died.  He has been taking care of my needs and is very supportive. 
My sister sees and keeps the grandchildren regularly and doesn't want to get in the middle.  Everyone who knows how she is behaving is appalled. 
I did try to communicate and call her but she doesn't answer the phone if I call.  Her husband said no thanks when I offered to keep the kids as I had done hunderds of times in the past. 
I don't know what to do about her.  Any advice is appreciated .
Title: Re: New comer
Post by: browneyedgirl on April 25, 2011, 08:47:52 AM
Hello cewilso ~

 I am so very sorry for the loss of Wayne. 

Welcome, there is always some one to listen and we all care very much. 

I do not have any advice for you, I am sorry.  All I can offer you is this.....when my brother died, I realized that grief is unique to everyone, no one deals with it the same way.  I didn't react to things the same, I didn't process things the same way as before. 

I hope that your daughter will come around......

Sending love and light.
Title: Re: New comer
Post by: Terry on April 25, 2011, 04:27:36 PM
Hi Carolyn,

I'm so sorry to read of Wayne's death and also for the family issues brewing and at the worst possible time for you. A lot of us have been there and some of us even continue to be and if I've learned anything it's that "I can't change anyone but myself" and some of the ugliness I had to deal with just had to be accepted, but I learned ways to cope with the stress by setting certain guidelines when they were around and even on phone calls. Although, we still know how the other feels, there is respect shown, if you will and the opinions are no longer brought up. This took time, though. And, patience.

I wish I could tell you that it get's easier but with family, sadly there always seems to be issues. When someone dies in a family, everyone views their life and even death, uniquely and have their own thoughts on the 'What should haves" and the "If only's" regarding their death. Since we are all unique, and in our love for that person, also, there will always be speculation and sometimes unreasonable requests for understanding from others.

I have always tried, especially with my sister to focus on the fact that her love for my children was unconditional and beautiful and continue to try very hard to ignore some of her very insensitive remarks.

Try to take one day at a time and take care of 'you' right now, although I know not being able to see your Grandchildren is causing you a heavy heart.

Your daughter is grieving for her father right now and anger is not unusual to display, especially to those closest to us. Try writing her a letter, from your heart without mentioning her father but rather try and keep the focus on your Grandchildren. Maybe let her know that you don't understand how 'she' feels losing her father and when she's ready, you will be there for her if she just needs someone to listen. Just losing her father may have instilled a fear into her about losing you, also. That is not uncommon, at all even though she may not be expressing that to you.
Your daughter lost her father and her children lost their grandfather, and she is angry. There is usually much more than what is seen on the surface when someone is angry and resentful. Deep, unattended hurt can erupt into anger and even rage, especially during a life-changing event.

I wish I could be of more help but I can only share due to my own life's experiences and hopefully there will be something you can relate to that will shine some light onto your situation.

Welcome to our Webhealing family and please come back, anytime and let us know how things are going for you. Know you are loved and cared for here.


My Love,
Title: Re: New comer
Post by: cewilso on May 01, 2011, 09:02:35 PM
Thanks Terry and Browneyedgirl for your reply.  I greatly appreciate your input and an unbiased opinion means alot. 

I put up a good front around people but when I come home the pain resurfaces.  Not sure why tonight is such a bad one. 
Title: Re: New comer
Post by: Terry on May 11, 2011, 06:53:02 PM