Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: allalone on March 30, 2011, 05:25:01 AM

Title: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: allalone on March 30, 2011, 05:25:01 AM
I keep crying - the pain is so much. I want to share with my soul mate but he is gone, then I want to talk to my mum, but she too is gone.

2 deaths in exactly 6 months. my mother died on 25th of August in India, It was early morning the 26th in Australia when she passed away. Exactly 6 months later my soul mate, my husband of 21 years died at 1.15 in the morning on the 26th of February.

I thought I had grieved and was over my mother's death, but it seemed as if I did not allow myself to grieve, as I was busy caring for my husband. And now both of them are gone.

I know one day I will be stronger, my faith keeps me going. I have 2 small girls. After a long time, I was able to cook for them the last 2 days. I love cooking but these days, I am so disorganized and confused. I seem to move in circles. My eyes are filled with tears.

My mother was a fit and active woman. Then suddenly she fainted and a blood test showed she had acute leukemia. She died 45 days later.

My husband too was a fit active man. Exactly 2 years ago on the 26th of Feb, 2009, he underwent a medical examination for a new job, The lung X-ray showed a patch, which was later confirmed as lung cancer. He underwent chemotherapy and radiation, but sadly he developed metastases. However he continued to remain fit and did not look sick. In December 2010, he started to feel tired, however since all his scan showed the cancer as stable and most of the lesions were no longer seen, the oncologist did not think it was the cancer. Sadly on the 20th of January a repeat scan showed multiple diffuse secondaries in the liver and we were told he had weeks to live. He went down very fast and died of liver failure.

He was very peaceful and prepared for his death and funeral. He became unconscious 14 hours before he died. He died very peacefully in my arms early in the morning.

Although I was expecting his death, nothing prepared me for the emptyness and anguish that I feel. I cry often and I miss both him and my mum. The only thing that keeps me going are are two kids and my faith in God. I know that in all things God works for our very best and that my husband is at peace with God. He is now healed and hurts no more.

I spend a lot of time in nature now. I love gardening and I have a vegetable patch. I am physically tired but I feel nurtured when I work with the soil. My beloved used to walk around the garden when I would work, and I feel his presence all around me. I know he is no longer alive, yet he is with me.

Although I cry, I still feel blessed, blessed to have loved and blessed to be loved. Death cannot destroy our love. One day we will meet again. I also write my feelings in the form of a poem. Here is one.

Love of my life
My beloved
When will we be together again?
You have gone ahead
I have a lonely path
To walk alone but you will always be at my side
It is so difficult
And yet
I am happy to have loved and lost
Then to have never loved

21 years of bliss and happiness
21 years of love and joy
21 years of being spoilt
Now I have 21 years of memories
To last a lifetime
To wipe off my tears
And bring laughter and joy to my soul
Despite the tears
Despite the pain
I feel blessed
I am blessed
To have met a man and loved him
And be loved in return

Thank you for your support. It helps to know I am not alone. Others have similar pain and others have overcome it. One day I will see the rainbow again. My love for my beloved will remain, and I will miss him but the anguish will be gone.

Title: Re: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: browneyedgirl on March 30, 2011, 10:50:18 AM
Dear allalone ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your soulmate and mother, my heart truly hurts for you, I am just so sorry. 

Welcome........you have come to the right place, for love and support.  Many people understand what you are going though. 

Your poem is beautiful. 

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: browneyedgirl on April 27, 2011, 12:12:51 PM
allalone ~ how are you doing?
Title: Re: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: allalone on May 04, 2011, 04:22:09 AM
Thanks Browneyedgirl

Still struggling. Some days are OK and others terrible. But it is getting easier. I find night time very difficult. Am resuming work next week.


Title: Re: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: Terry on May 11, 2011, 06:50:15 PM

Welcome to our Webhealing family. I'm so sorry for your tragic losses. With both losses so close together, your grief can become strained/delayed and complicated, even moreso than it already is.
Please know we are here for you and you will never have to feel "all alone" here. We are your online family and we stay together and help one another the best we can.

When you feel up to it, please tell us more about your precious husband and mother. There is always someone here to listen with an open heart as we all understand great loss.

Sending hugs & understanding.


Title: Re: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: allalone on May 31, 2011, 05:14:44 AM
Thanks for making me feel welcome here and not allalone. Some days have been OK days but some days I miss my beloved very much. I am still in disbelief and go to tell him something and realize he is no longer there. I used to call my mother to talk to her but she too is gone. However I have been able to return to my work and am coping well and also have started cooking meals for my family and no longer having take-away.

 My husband was a very caring loving man who loved me and stood by me. he was a quiet unassuming man but he was my rock. If anyone said anything or did anything to hurt me, he would then speak out for me. He stood up for the poor and the lonely and those who had no one to stand up for. The 2 of us did all things together and we were like 2 lovebirds. When I cooked he would help me wash up, we went shopping together and went to the parks for walks with the kids together. Even when he had cancer he was there for us and never complained. Even in the last few days of his life, he was concerned for me and thought about me. He provided for all our needs that today I am lucky I can continue to live in our own home and I did not need to go to work immediately as he had provided for us.

My husband was also a deep man of faith. He was very peaceful and serene and although he fought the cancer to the very end, he did not allow it to destroy his spirit. He was a good sense of humor and enjoyed jokes and having fun. He loved dancing and I enjoyed dancing with him. Although he lived for only 55 years, we had lots of holidays and fun and happy memories as we always made time for family. Even though we both worked, he helped out with the housework, so that we could have time to go for walks and play games and have fun together.

I miss him around the house, I miss his warm smile and tenderness. We were married for 21 years and our relationship was special.

My mother was a fit woman who was actively involved in her church and neighborhood. She was a very determined strong woman who was elected to the local council. She fought for justice and was even imprisoned for a day for fighting for the rights of the land. She taught me to be brave and to give freely. She believed in being there for everyone and our home was always an open home. When she died, the entire village closed down in respect of her. When she heard that my husband was diagnosed with cancer, she was very upset and phoned me every day to talk to me. I think that this shock could have brought about her leukemia. She too died very fast.

This last 2 years we have had many deaths in our families. My father-in-law was very close to me and he died first. Then we had a number of my uncles and aunts die within a few months. We have been to  many funerals in this last 2 years. Another person whose death affected me was a woman to whom we had reached out. She was an elderly widow who lived on her own and we had volunteered to taxi her to church. We got involved with her and invited her over to our home for occasions, and our kids got close to her and adopted her as grandma. She died suddenly, a few months before my mum, after a brief illness and we missed her.

This Saturday we got news of 2 more deaths in our family and they occurred within hours of each other. It seems unending. And with each death,  the grief returns and I feel sad and broken. I find it difficult to go to bed, but once I am in bed, I am happy that I can sleep peacefully.

I know that one day I will feel better, although I will never forget the love of my life. I know I am blessed to have had a loving husband for 21 years and now I have good memories.

Thank you for allowing me to open my heart. It helps me feel better and lighter.
Title: Re: 2 loved ones gone in 6 months - my heart is broken and I'm alone
Post by: arthur on May 31, 2011, 09:47:41 PM
Allalone..thanks so much for the generosity and kindness of your response to my pain filled entry.  My heart goes out to you for all the horrible losses you have suffered just recently, but most of all I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. As I read about your husband I was struck by what you said his being the rock of your life.  That was what Maureen was to me-my rock.
Maureen, like your husband, was an extremely compassionate and loving soul, and I could turn to her for strength whenever I felt beaten and discouraged by life.   Her death meant to me a loss of part of my soul, and I think that when someone loses such a
fundamental part of their life like you and I have, a part of them dies with their spouse.  Your husband sounds like he was a very rare and special person- that rare combination of person who was so loving and filled with faith that they were a bastion of strength that other people turned to.  My wife Maureen was like that; I was not the only one who was devastated by her untimely death-her clients who she worked so hard to provide jobs for also were devastated.  Her office told me of a client who recieved a benefit from her hard work after her death that she was working hard to get for him before she died. When he walked into her office he broke down after he heard that she died as they handed him the benefit she had worked for to get for him.
     God bless you Allalone in your grief for you mum and your dear husband. Be gentle with yourself, and know that others pray for your healing and recovery:))