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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama) on December 22, 2006, 09:47:04 PM

Title: Worries about my family, etc.
Post by: Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama) on December 22, 2006, 09:47:04 PM

It is so hard to pick up the pieces of your life when you see your loved family members crumbling before your eyes.
My husband has nights of no sleep. Tonight we had plans to go out w/couple that he enjoys their company and instead he went to bed at 6:30; physically and emotionally drained.
My youngest son cries himself to sleep and said today that all he wants to do is to stay home.
It hurts to see them hurting.
Neither one of them will seek counseling. My eldest, my "new" middle child (always wondered who was the middle child when you had 4 children) & myself are in counseling. My husband, dtr and myself are on meds.
My youngest won't consider any & my oldest has not offered up info nor have I asked him.
My 83 year old Mother lives w/me and for Hanukkah we gave her 2 special presents, enlarged, framed photo's of her & Adam from my 50th b-day party 2 years ago.
We are doing something similar for Craig's Mom for Christmas.
Tonight one of Adam's dear friends, who shares similar issues in her life came by and she joined us at the cemetery. It was hard to see her and know that she still is not "clean" and we fear for her well being. Adam & Julia were such good friends and she was not able to be contacted when he passed and she feels no closure.
I had a close friend call me who was unable to talk to me before today. I want to understand her discomfort and yet I am a saddened that she was not there for me before today.
Before I continue to ramble on about this and that I will sign off.
I hope everyone has a good evening.
Paula

Title: Re: Worries about my family, etc.
Post by: Louise on December 23, 2006, 04:44:30 AM

hi Paula,I'm off to work 12 hours today  :( but wanted to write you a little before I leave.I know,the loss of a child is so devastating it changed the family over night.Please know I am holding you close to my heart.On a side note,has your husband tried ambium?It has been really good for me.It gently puts you to sleep and you don't feel funny or fuzzy the next day.i know I wouldn't be able to sleep without it.This life now is so hard.When your child dies it just seems like life doesn't fit anymore.Love,Louise[keren's mom]  

peace and Love to you[/b]

Title: Re: Worries about my family, etc.
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on December 23, 2006, 06:42:29 AM

Dear Paula,

Our lives do change in a second when our child dies. Everyone close suffers but none like the parent. I truly have no words of comfort as I myself find it hard just to breathe ecah day.

My life is so empty without my daughter, she was my only child so our home is so empty and seems to have no meaning now.

I do understand wish I could help but know I care,
Thinking of you,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Title: Re: Worries about my family, etc.
Post by: Rebecca on December 23, 2006, 01:22:31 PM

Paula: I have no words...just thinking of you.  We are so helpless over the loss of our children and then to see your other children and your husband in such pain doubles the helplessness.  We are mothers and always want to help and fix but we cannot and we cannot feel that it is our fault.  When your young son cries himself to sleep, maybe going in and crying with him and holding him tight will help him and you.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Title: Re: Worries about my family, etc.
Post by: Jeanneb on December 23, 2006, 02:31:43 PM

Paula,

I am so sorry that your life is in such turmoil and pain.  As mom's we are the fixers and it is so hard to watch them and not be able to fix it.  Louise has a good suggestion with the ambien for sleep or I've also used lunesta and it is also helpful.  One thing a doctor friend told me from the day Philip died "sleep is your friend."  It is hard enough on us with sleep.  Our body must have it, so if you can encourage him to just pick up the phone and talk with his doctor about the sleep problem they probably would call something in for him and see if that helps.

One thing my therapist did and it was real helpful, I was the only one in therapy and still am after 3.5 years, she asked for my entire family to come in so she could tell them what we were working on and if they had any questions for her about me.  It helped them to see that it wasn't something scary or "crazy" and it made them feel more comfortable.  My son actually went back on his own and saw her a couple of times.  So, it helped open the door to the possibility without making them feel threatened in any way.  It also helped my husband in that this last time of my deep depression and I had taken a break from therapy for a while to even suggest that he call my therapist for me or he would offer to just go with me.

I think the presents you are doing sound so wonderful, it is so nice of you.  I hope that Julia will also get some help and I know that you probably have suggested it.  It's hard to see them making mistakes and nothing you can do about it.  Philip's best friend still is so messed up.  He was driving the car in front of Philip when Philip had his wreck. 

Holding you close to my heart and if you need to talk you can always email me.

Jeanne