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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Suicide Loss => Topic started by: Tom on October 11, 2010, 05:01:14 AM

Title: Introductions
Post by: Tom on October 11, 2010, 05:01:14 AM
Please use this thread to introduce yourself and say hello to the group.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: gloria61 on November 16, 2010, 06:57:30 PM
My son took his life last month. He turned 25 in September, and it's only been 35 days since he passed, and every day since then I have been in agony, wondering how I'm going to live the rest of my life with out him. I toss and turn all night long. I sit and stare at his pictures on his facebook page, I visit the guest book on line from the funeral parlor everyday and I just don't know how I'm going to make it with out him. The worst part is he left behind his sister and two nephews; one is 7 and the other is 18 months. My 7 year old grandson carries around a small photo album with my son's pictures in it and tells me every time he sees me how much he misses "uncle A"  I try so hard not to break down into tears in front of my grandson, and remind him how much "A" loved him.
My son hung him self in a jail cell because he was tired of living the life he had chosen. He was a recovering addict and struggled daily with the pain of life, sadness, and despair, and in his last days of life he did something that he thought would help his family financially, and pay back all that he has taken from us. It didn’t work, and he was arrested, and face several years in jail.  But now he has left us and we have to live out our lives with out him. If he could here me now I would tell him that 5 years in jail would have been so much easier for us to take then an entire lifetime with out him.
I'm writing here today because I have no one to talk to, no real friends who care because they "don't know what to say to me".  I can't even pay a shrink to listen to me because I don't have a job, and I don't have any health insurance. So I have turned to this, writing my feelings on a computer, hoping that someone out there might see this and take the time to talk to me. Take the time to care for a stranger when her "friends" can't take the time out of their busy days to listen for a little while.
I miss my son so much, all I can see when I close my eyes at night is him lying in a hospital bed, sweat beading on his brow, tubes in his throat and nose, needles in his arms, his chest rising ever so slowly.  I sat there for 10 hours after we took the breathing machines keeping him alive away. Ten hours of watching every breath, every rise and fall of his chest, and wondering "is this the last one".  I had to pull his eyelids down as they kept popping open, only to have and his lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling, all the while telling him how much I loved him, and I forgave him for all the things he had done.
I miss my son so much, and if I don't some how find someone to talk to, some one who won't "tune" me out because they don't know what to say, then I'm going to loose my mind.
Can some one who has been in my shoes Please tell me how to make the pain go away?
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: SarahW on November 16, 2010, 08:13:39 PM
My son took his life last month. He turned 25 in September, and it's only been 35 days since he passed, and every day since then I have been in agony, wondering how I'm going to live the rest of my life with out him. I toss and turn all night long. I sit and stare at his pictures on his facebook page, I visit the guest book on line from the funeral parlor everyday and I just don't know how I'm going to make it with out him. The worst part is he left behind his sister and two nephews; one is 7 and the other is 18 months. My 7 year old grandson carries around a small photo album with my son's pictures in it and tells me every time he sees me how much he misses "uncle A"  I try so hard not to break down into tears in front of my grandson, and remind him how much "A" loved him.


Gloria, I am so very sorry to hear about your son.  My son was 29 when he died.  He did not commit suicide; he died of a sudden illness, about 1 yr and 3 mos ago. 

In the first few months, I did exactly the same things you are doing.  I could not sleep.  Every day, I went to the funeral home obit and guest book.  I stared at pictures.  I cried at least half the time I was awake. 

Quote
My son hung him self in a jail cell because he was tired of living the life he had chosen. He was a recovering addict and struggled daily with the pain of life, sadness, and despair, and in his last days of life he did something that he thought would help his family financially, and pay back all that he has taken from us. It didn’t work, and he was arrested, and face several years in jail.  But now he has left us and we have to live out our lives with out him. If he could here me now I would tell him that 5 years in jail would have been so much easier for us to take then an entire lifetime with out him.
I'm writing here today because I have no one to talk to, no real friends who care because they "don't know what to say to me".  I can't even pay a shrink to listen to me because I don't have a job, and I don't have any health insurance. So I have turned to this, writing my feelings on a computer, hoping that someone out there might see this and take the time to talk to me. Take the time to care for a stranger when her "friends" can't take the time out of their busy days to listen for a little while.


Please write as much and as frequently as you like.

I was lucky to be working in a secure (so far) job, with health insurance, so I do have a counselor.  It is helpful.  Do you maybe have a priest or a minister that would listen?  Or support groups you could attend?  I live in a small town, but there is a suicide support group (through NAMI – the National Alliance on Mental Illness), and other “mental health” type support groups for people suffering from emotional problems. 

The national NAMI site is at www.nami.org (http://www.nami.org) .  And there is a page to find your local chapter (http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Your_Local_NAMI&Template=/CustomSource/AffiliateFinder.cfm), also.

 But depending where you live, there may be other places.  I was living in a large city when my husband died (many years ago) and I was in the same spot you are – no insurance, no job.  But there was a “Widowed Persons Support Group” run by one of the churches (but it was for anyone, you didn’t have to be a church member).

So consider googling for no-cost support options.  It can be very helpful.

Quote
I miss my son so much, all I can see when I close my eyes at night is him lying in a hospital bed, sweat beading on his brow, tubes in his throat and nose, needles in his arms, his chest rising ever so slowly.  I sat there for 10 hours after we took the breathing machines keeping him alive away. Ten hours of watching every breath, every rise and fall of his chest, and wondering "is this the last one".  I had to pull his eyelids down as they kept popping open, only to have and his lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling, all the while telling him how much I loved him, and I forgave him for all the things he had done.


I had a very similar experience with my son, though he died very soon after the machines were gone.

I replayed it in my head constantly at first (for months); it is not as constant now.

Quote
I miss my son so much, and if I don't some how find someone to talk to, some one who won't "tune" me out because they don't know what to say, then I'm going to loose my mind.
Can some one who has been in my shoes Please tell me how to make the pain go away?



I miss my son so much, too.  So much. People don’t know what to say, or they say the wrong thing.

You are doing the right thing, looking for people who understand, to talk to – whether it is on the web, or face-to-face.

There is no way to make the pain go away.

I can tell you that it gets better – not in the sense that it stops hurting, but in the sense that it quiets down a bit, and you learn how to manage the pain better.

I’m sure it is different for everyone, but here are things that have helped me, in the last year:
--My counselor; talking to others
--Slowly finding things to keep me busy (work, volunteer work)
--Socializing even when I didn’t feel like it (though I am always ready to leave early if I can’t handle it)
--Doing some things to honor my son (e.g., I framed some of his artwork, and sent pieces to friends and family; I had my favorite picture of him enlarged and framed, etc.)
--Trying to take good care of myself (haven’t been perfect at this, but I’m trying)
--Letting myself cry and scream as much as I want when I’m alone.  Just letting myself feel the pain and let it out.
--Writing to my son whenever I feel like it.

You are suffering through one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and it’s only been 35 days.  I admire you for even being able to come here and write.

Much love to you.



Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on November 16, 2010, 09:19:38 PM
((((( Gloria )))))

I am so sorry to hear about your precious son. Just heartbreaking and thank you for sharing so much of his story, and so soon. No one will 'tune-you-out' on here, ever. Share as little or as much as you are able, day or night. There is always someone here to listen.

I know the intense pain you are feeling and there are really no words to describe it. I came to Webhealing when my surviving son of almost 29 years died. I didn't know how I was going to take my next breath. I couldn't sleep because when I would awake from a nap I realized it really DID happen and the pangs of pain would overwhelm me. In January, it will be 8 years that my son died.

Please try to take good care of yourself, the best you can by resting if you can't sleep and snacking on healthy foods and drink a lot of fluids. Stress/pain/grief plays havoc with our bodies and we can become very sick. It also weakens our immune systems and the main reason for the illnesses we can contract.

Welcome to our Webhealing family where you will feel safe sharing any feelings you are having. I'm glad you found us but so sorry you even had a need to.

The pain doesn't 'go-away', Gloria. It just lessens in intensity over a long period of time. But, I sure wish I could take all of our pain away. Dates marking any memory of them are always very difficult and you're facing your first Holiday season without your precious son. Please stay close to those who understand the pain of child loss. I don't know where I would have been if I didn't find this board one very, very lonely 3AM shortly after Jeff died. I knew I was no longer "Alone" in any of my feelings as I thought I was just going to disappear, the pain was so bad.

Again, I am so deeply sorry for your great loss and know I am here anytime you need to talk.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and I'm holding you so close to my heart, Gloria.

((((((((((((((((((Gloria))))))))))))))))

You have my love and understanding,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: browneyedgirl on November 17, 2010, 11:32:48 AM
((((Gloria))))

Please accept my sincere sympathy for the loss of your son. 

Welcome to Webhealing, I am sorry you have to be there with us.  There are, unfortunatly, many mothers/fathers on here that have lost their children.  Feel free to post on the Child Loss Board, too, if you like.

We are like a family here, there is always someone who will listen and someone who cares.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: ScottW on November 17, 2010, 01:29:23 PM
Hello Gloria.  My sincere condolences to you. 

You have found a place where you will NEVER be tuned out.  Please continue to post - and post as often as you'd like.  As is the case with most of (all of?) the members here, for me this site has been a safe haven, a source of strength, and perhaps even a life saver.

Allow yourself space and time to grieve . . .
Scott
Title: Gloria61 thanks you so much
Post by: gloria61 on November 17, 2010, 08:23:00 PM
I'd like to thank all of you for being so supportive and welcoming me to webhealing. There is so much I need to say, but I don't where to start, the story of my son seems so long. Like I said in my original post I really don't have friends to talk to and my boyfriend; I'll call him "T" hated my son A, and A hated T just as much, so talking to T is not an option.

I mentioned in my first post that my son was a recovering addict. He became addicted to heroin about 6 years ago when he was about 17. It was a year before I knew A was a heroin addict. I started finding things from my home missing, he would steal anything and everything; and if you bought something to replace it he stole that too. Eventually he started stealing from others ended up in jail.  When he was released with the ankle bracelet, I let him come home; he did very well for a couple years.  He got a job, found a nice girlfriend and when the bracelet came off and he finished his probation he moved to another near by state for a couple years with his girlfriend and her mother. He did well there, but found it hard to live with the mother. It was not a good mix for my son, he didn’t get along with the mother. So A and his girlfriend moved back to the state and city I live in. He eventually started spending time with the same people when he was doing heroin, lost his apartment, and his girlfriend.

I let A move back in, late in 2008.  By Jan of 2009 the stealing started again. My son had at some point stolen my ATM card and several checks and cleaned out my bank account, I had no choice but to allow the bank press charges, I was unemployed then too, and if I wanted to get my money back I had to do it.  He was arrested, and while waiting a trial date went back to the other state to live with a friend. In Jan of 2010 during a party his friend was playing around with a gun and fatally wounded himself. Since that time my son was severely depressed and blamed himself because he couldn't save his friend. He came back to my town, and was eventually arrested for the check and money theft, all charges he ran away from.

May of this year he was released on probation and I let him come home yet again. But by then my boyfriend was tired of the "game" and was always harping about stupid little things. I tried to keep peace between them, nothing worked. My son couldn't find a job, his probation officer was threatening to put him back in jail etc... I had lost the job I had for just over a year. I was a basket case; I couldn't support my son, and maintain mortgage payments and everything else. So I started harping on A also. I was so afraid of loosing my home, and my boyfriend; he told me it was him or my son. By the end of this August it all fell apart; my son was so desperate to come up with money so I wouldn't loose my home he did something illegal again. I thought he was doing something wrong, and told him I didn't want to know anything about it, I just wanted him to come up with money he owed me to help pay the mortgage.

Well whatever A did made the police show up at my home when A was not home, and my boyfriend said he was never to come back. At the end of September my son went back to the other state to hide from the police, but trouble found him there also. He called me a week later and said he was in jail, and the bail was really high. He wanted me to borrow the money against the house, but I told him I couldn't, no credit, no job; I have no means to get money for bail.

He was so upset, he said he was so sorry he disappointed me again; he told me he was so sorry that he caused so many fights between T and me.  I told him I would do what I could but couldn't promise anything. I told him how much I loved him, and would be in contact with him any way I could. Two days later he called me again; I knew something was very wrong, he was very distraught, he kept telling me how sorry he was for everything he has done, he told me that he couldn't live this life any more, and he didn't want to go to jail for a long time. He said he loved me and hung up. I knew something was very wrong, and I tried to contact the jail officials but only got voice mails.

Late the next night the phone call came; it was a hospital in the other state, 3 hours away. They told me I needed to come there, and that my son was in serious condition. When I got there they told me he had injured himself in the jail, and the damage to his brain was severe. I traveled back and forth 5 1/2 hours round trip, everyday for a day for a week while they hoped there would be some positive changes. Those changes never came, and a week later I had to give the OK terminate his life support, and I had to watch my son pass away. I sat there alone with him for 10 hours.

I can't help but feel this is all my fault; maybe I didn't try hard enough when he was younger to keep him off the drugs. Maybe some of the things like residential schools, and other things I tried made him worse. I can't help but feel guilty because my boyfriend and I made him leave because he was doing drugs again. Maybe I was wrong because I picked my boyfriend over my son. I just feel so much guilt. Maybe I should have driven to the other state and talked to my son in jail. But I didn't because my car would never have made it. Even though I knew part of what he did that got him arrested again was for me, to get money for my mortgage.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it out. There is so much in my head, so many thoughts that if I had done more when my son was younger, or maybe I did too much. I don’t know, all I know is my son is gone and I had to tell this to someone. I apologize again that I wrote so much.

Thank you again for listening, and most of all thank you, if it weren’t for the kindness of strangers and being able to tell this I would go crazy.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on November 18, 2010, 08:09:15 AM
Hi Gloria,

As I've shared before, we all understand the deep pain of child loss and the reason our hearts are so open to your hurt and devastation. I also commend you for the courage it took to write out your son's story, and in great detail. This is not an easy thing to do but very healthy.

Please don't ever feel you're writing too much or giving too much information or boring anyone because that is never the case here. Write as little or as much as you need to. That's what we've all done here and continue to do.

I can't imagine the added pain you experienced after receiving the call and the commute back and forth, not knowing when you arrived if he was still going to be alive. I'm so sorry. And, sitting there, waiting for anything to happen so that you could have your son back.

Gloria, I know the guilt you feel because we all feel guilt to a certain extent or should I rephrase that and say that I don't know of the guilt 'you' feel but I do understand feeling guilt. We do the best we can as parents. We all on here did. We all believe that we could have done things differently and wish we had. But, it all comes down to the love because we all loved our children and would never have done anything intentionally to harm them. We are human and we made mistakes as parents, some we wish we could do over and make right but we can't. That's the hardest part to deal with. And, in your situation, your relationship with your precious son it was compounded with many complications as a relationship in itself is difficult.When drugs are introduced into the scenario and I've read enough stories to know that the life you're living becomes a nightmare that you cannot wake from as no one can control another's addiction. It's not possible.

I have many friends who have lost their children to drugs and I have heard a similar story with each.

Many have sought counseling and it may help you. But, don't stop with the first one because I hear it may take many tries. I would seek out someone who has lost a child. We all choose different paths. I wrote until my fingers almost fell off and the pain was too much. I have ceiling high journals and I also came here every time I felt something and needed to share it. I leaned heavily on my faith, but it was strong before losing my children and remains so today. So, whatever you choose is right for you.

I know it's difficult but try to focus on you right now and please try to take care of yourself the best you can.

We all felt the same as you and still do at times...like we're losing our minds. Pain speaks. Pain roars and it can be ugly and overwhelming.

Tell us more about your son as you are able. Someone is here day and night. Know you are not alone on this very painful journey while grieving the loss of your son. And, know we care, very much.

Still holding you so tight.........((((((((((((((Gloria)))))))))))))

My love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: browneyedgirl on November 18, 2010, 09:38:06 AM
((((Gloria)))))

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am so sorry. 

Terry has said some good things......I echo what she has said. 

Take care and come back soon.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: SarahW on November 18, 2010, 08:00:35 PM
Gloria, I can tell from what you write that you loved your son very much.  And if I can tell that from here, your son must have known how much you loved him, also.  The most important thing is for a child to know he is loved, and you gave him that most important thing.  Lots of children never have that. 

Nothing can protect your child from all the ways there are for things to go wrong, in a person’s life.  Young people getting off track, due to drugs and other problems, is not unusual and can happen in any family.  It sounds to me like you were a loving mom who did her best, under very difficult circumstances, while living in this very, very imperfect world.

I understand about feeling guilty, and about needing to write and “get it out.”  I’m glad that writing here is an outlet for you.  Please write as much as you want, anytime.

Wishing you all the best as you deal with this pain – you are in my thoughts.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on November 18, 2010, 09:31:26 PM
Gloria,
   I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved son. I am thankful that you have found your way here to us though. know that there is always someone here who will listen and help in any way possible. I too lost my youngest daughter on Feb. 5th of this year the same way as you lost your son,so I know some of what you are feeling . The hurt, the anger, the guilt. I know I have felt all of it and still do. Your lose is still so new and raw but you are being given good advice here and will continue to receive all the help we can give to you and to each other. I am still relatively a new member to this site but it has helped me so much. It helps to write and sometimes just to read posts that others write. Some seem to say exactly what we are feeling and not sure how to communicate.
  Gloria, I am offering any help to you that I can. I am more then willing to speak with you in any form that would help you the best whether it be here,emails. Im's or a phone call. I am here for you. We can be here for each other. Maybe a 2 mothers still new to the pain,we can help each other.
  Hugs and peace ((((((Gloria))))))
      Gale( Motherof3 )
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on November 20, 2010, 11:08:48 PM
Thinking of you tonight, Gloria. The weekends were always especially difficult for me and also, night time. I don't know why, as I could barely keep track of the day of the week.

((((((((((((Gloria)))))))))))

Holding you so close, with love,
Terry

Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on November 20, 2010, 11:21:37 PM
Such a caring post, Gale. It's a blessing when we can not only still remember that raw, early pain but when we are willing and able to reach out to another with an open heart. For, where would we all be right now if no one reached out to us when first we found this holy place? And, I know your pain is still so intense.
You have a beautiful heart!

I remain grateful for the love in this special place.

Always thinking of your precious Rachel.

((((((Gale))))))

Love you,
Terry
Title: night times are the worst
Post by: gloria61 on December 06, 2010, 09:59:17 PM
I haven't had the courage to write any more because once I get started I just can't stop, but I'm wondering how do you get through the nights when your mind just won't stop thinking about what you have lost? How to you get out of that train of thought. I sit here at night when the house is quite and I look at my son's facebook page, and a tribute page his ex-girlfriend made, and just stare into the photos with his beautiful blue eyes and wonder how such a handsome, beautiful being could feel so lost as to take his own life. If there really is a God, the why does he allow such sadness and pain in such a beautiful being.

I barely made it through Thanksgiving, and now I have to prepare to get through Christmas. I don't know if I can do it. I'm thankful for this site, and your kind words, but I don't know if it's enough. I don't want to call my son "A" any more. I did it because I was afraid to share to much information, but he had a name; his name was Alexander, he weighed 9 lbs 10 ozs when he was born. He had the most beautiful long eye lashes as a baby and small child. He was all a mother could ask for in a son and more. He brought laughter and tears into my life, and he was kind to others. One of the last times I got to spend the day with him I saw him give his last cigaretts, and last two dollars to a homeless man, when I walked out of my way to avoid the man. My son was a far better person then he was ever given credit for, and no one on this earth could ever make me think like wise. I miss him so much, and my life will never be the same again.

 
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on December 07, 2010, 05:34:12 AM
The nights are the hardest!! I still do the same as you. I sit up, the thoughts won't stop playing through my mind. I too sit at the computer on facebook looking at Rachel's pictures and the messages left for her. She has a memorial page also. I also put her facebook account into memorial mode so it will stay kept the way she left it. I sit on the back deck staring at the stars...talking to Rachel. I know she can hear me...feel me.The holidays are very hard..only do as much or as little as you feel up too. If you don't feel like doing anything at all, don't. Thanksgiving was the first holiday that I haven't cooked for in years but I just couldn't bring myself to even try to prepare anything. Christmas, I have done some decorating but nothing like I usually do. I made a memorial Christmas place for Rachel.Again, do only as much as you feel up too! December is hard enough getting through as it is, let alone when you are dealing with the loss of a child. I would rather just sleep through it and not have to deal with it at all. My daughter was born on Dec.22 and I brought her home from the hospital Christmas morning. I still have the red bow the nurses had put in her hair. You speak of the kindest you Alexander showed strangers, other people. Remember all of that and your precious memories you have of him and you will find comfort there. Remember that we are here to help !!! Hold Alexander close to your heart and he will live on through your memories!
Title: Thank you
Post by: gloria61 on December 08, 2010, 07:32:39 PM
Gail, your words and suggestons are very kind. I am so appreciative of the things you write since this is all so fresh for you also. We, my daughter, grandsons, and my boyfriend as well as her boyfriend decorated the tree tonight. Because the youngest is so small (17 months) it was a bit hectic so I didn't have time to think about Alex for a few minutes. The baby was taking off ornaments as fast as we could hang them. My daughter and grandsons live here now, they moved in just before Thanksgiving so there is a lot of commotion and stuff going on, it helps me stay busy and not dwell on my son as much during the day time. But now when the kids are in bed, and all is quite I find myself doing the same thing; facebook, the memorial from the funeral parlor.... 
The picture I assume is of you and your daughter. Rachel was a very beautiful little girl, I bet she grew into a beautiful young woman. I'd be honored if you shared more with me about her. I know it has helped me sharing thoughts of my son with you. If  you want to e-mail me, please do. I assume you can see my e-mail address in the profile?? I would love to hear more if you want to share. So that I don't delete it in error, please use Alex in the subject line.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on December 09, 2010, 03:59:19 PM
Gloria,
 Your email is not on your profile but I can write here. The picture that you see is of Rachel and her daughter Kaylee(my granddaughter). So yes she did grow up to be a beautiful woman! Rachel was born on Dec.22nd 1980 and died Feb.5th 2010. She had just turned 29and still called me Mommy! Rachel was my youngest of 3 daughters. She was my Christmas baby. She grew up doing track(that girl could run!) and playing basketball in school. She was more of a tomboy of sorts growing up. She turned into my Miss Prissy as she grew up. She always had heels and a dress on. She was very much a perfectionist in everything she done. She was the kind of girl who would do anything for anyone and often went out of her way to help. She lived in downtown Chicago so of course she ran into a lot of homeless people there. She would never give them money but she would go buy them a meal and bring it back to them. Rachel had bit off more then she could handle I guess you could say she was a victim of the economy, She was facing foreclosure on her condo..behind on bills and car payments and just couldn't accept that she had failed. She couldn't ever see herself starting over. She called me the day she committed suicide crying. I talked to her until she was settled down(So I thought) I told her to come live with me and she told me that she was going to stay there and make it right.She hung herself from her canopy bed post.  Taking her life didn't make it right!!
     She wasn't found for a few days when we had the police do a well being check on her,when no one could get a hold of her on the phone and her face book status hadn't changed. She had everything laid out on her bed... the clothes, her heels that she wanted to be buried in..notes for me and her daughter..list of who she wanted to get what...her cell phones and a picture of Kaylee that she wanted with her. Like I said....a perfectionist!!
     We have lost our children but they will live on in our hearts!! I have to believe that to get through another day.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on December 13, 2010, 07:32:52 PM
Thinking of you tonight, Gloria and your precious Alexander and sending lots of hugs!

(((((((((((((((Gloria)))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: To Gail
Post by: gloria61 on December 14, 2010, 07:29:46 AM
Gail, I wish I had the right words to say about your beautiful daughter. I want to be as sensitive as I possibly can. I can relate to the situation your Rachel was feeling, as I have felt the same because of the economy. I’ve been struggling for the past 5 or more years with keeping my home. Not to put down my son, but as I’ve said before he played a major role in my financial failure since 2003.

I wish that I had known your daughter if only to tell her that there is no shame in financial failure of this sort. I lost a home back in the mid 90’s. I suffered some injuries at work that left me unemployable for some time and far behind in all of my bills. Long story short we sought the advice of a “financial advisor.”  He was about finances for sure; he took our money, we lost our home and I firmly believe that was the beginning of my son’s down fall.

After we lost our home we had to live with a friend of my husband for a while, he was kind enough to let us all move in, but he also forgot that my children had parents and was always on Alex’s back. “Alex pick up your socks” Alex do your home work.” Alex, Alex do this Alex don’t do that… One day I got into a fight with my husband to “stand up for his family” tell his friend that we are the parents and he wasn’t man enough to do so.  I found an apartment and eventually and we separated. I hated him for not standing up for our family, and most importantly Alex.  But what I would have told Rachel is you can bounce back. It took several years but I own my own home again, was able to buy a new car etc….. I so wish I could have told her that it’s not shameful to fail, sometimes there are things that happen that we have no control over what so ever. It sickens me to know such a beautiful young lady felt the only way out was death.

I still blame my ex-husband, and the way he failed our family and Alex. When we separated Alex started smoking pot, and was having difficulties in school, he was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and bi-polar. As I mentioned before I ran the gamut in respects to alternative schooling and even a residential school. But eventually Alex was of age and I lost the legal ability to “help” him. Then the rest is history; he started stealing, and eventually started doing heroin.

I am so; so sorry that Rachael let the situation get the better of her. Sometimes we get so caught up in the stigma of financial failure we loose sight of what is most important in life. I know that you did the best you can in your conversation with Rachael, I had the same conversation with Alex the day before he ended his life. I thought I had said all the right things, and I thought he had enough faith in me to help him. I know he faced several years in jail, but I thought I had convinced him that several years would be better then a lifetime with out him.

My heart goes out to you, as I can’t fathom how hard this holiday season in particular will be for you since Rachael was a Christmas baby.  Even in my own grief I am here for you. I do apologize it has taken days for me to reply but with my daughter here and my two young grandchildren quite, private moments are hard to come by. I will go to bed tonight and say an extra prayer for you and your family. Maybe some place in heaven our children have found each other and are looking down on us and sending us the strength to make it through.

Gloria
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: browneyedgirl on December 14, 2010, 10:58:30 AM
((((GAIL))))

(((GLORIA)))
Title: How to post a photo
Post by: gloria61 on December 14, 2010, 07:34:00 PM
I'd like to share a photo of my son Alex, but I can't figure out how to get it loaded. Can someone please help me?

Gloria61
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on December 14, 2010, 08:11:06 PM
http://tinyurl.com/24mu3n7 (http://tinyurl.com/24mu3n7)

Let me know if this helps, Gloria! Looking forward to seeing a picture of your precious Alexander!!

Love,
Terry
Title: Hoping pictures have posted.
Post by: gloria61 on December 15, 2010, 05:14:03 AM
Thank you Terry for your directions. Hopefully as I post this, there will be two photos of Alex.

I so miss his smile, and beautiful blue eyes. How I wish he knew how much I missed him and that I forgave him for all his mistakes in judgment. Drugs destroy people. Drugs destroy families. I wish I could get every young person to realize that the amount of pain that they relieve by using drugs, doesn't compare to the amount of pain that using them causes the ones they love.

(Well the URL shows up, and if clicked on you can see them, but the photos themselves do not appear, but I appreciate the help none the less)
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on December 15, 2010, 06:24:57 AM
(((( Gloria))))
     Your Alex is a very handsome man!! I am glad that you posted pics of him. I thank you for your prayers and hopefully you take some comfort in knowing that you are in my prayers also. I would like to think that all of our children have found each other and formed a strong bond together. They can watch over each other and keep a watch over all of us! I am really at a loss for words here. It seems to get harder as her birthday and Christmas gets nearer. I think back and remember everything from the day she was born..she was such a beautiful baby!! Rachel had worked so hard to achieve what she had. When she lost it all,she felt like a failure. I think that she had gotten too materialist in life. I know she wasn't satisfied til she had the best of everything but she worked hard for it. I think in a sense it is an addiction of sorts also... never completely satisfied with what you have but she was such a giving girl. Had a great sense of humor and could light up a room. I am so sorry that your Alex had such a rough time with life. Take comfort that you did all that was possible for him. True, they hit that legal age and they lives are out of our hands. They think they know it all and nothing can hurt them. They are invincible. We look at them as our babies and always will. Hold your Alex close to your heart as I will Rachel and they will always be with us. If, you ever want to talk just let me know and I will send you my phone #. Know that I will always be here to lend a shoulder.
  Holding you close in thought and prayer((((Gloria and Alex)))))
Title: Thinking of you
Post by: gloria61 on December 16, 2010, 09:11:50 PM
Gail,
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you tonight, and if you had support from your daughters? You said you had three and Rachel was the youngest, so I'm assuming that you have two surviving daughters.

I was trying to talk with my daughter earlier and she is so short with me, and angry that she lives here. I broke down the other day and asked her why she doesn't talk to me. I can't imagine why, knowing full well she is the only child I have left that she would be so cold. Well one reason is her "fiance" he's been pulling her and my grandsons away for a long time. He's very controling, and just a mean man through and through.  The week preceding Alex's death my daughter never called me, she never came over and never returned a call if I left a message. It turns out that her "fiance" had been arrested 4 days after Alex's death. He was arrested for having prescription drugs (Oxyconton) that weren't prescribed to him and he was accused of a breaking and entering and stealing a large sum of money. That's why they are living with me now, her landlord found out and they were evicted. He lost his job, they had no money for an apartment so they had to "settle" for living with me.

I needed my daughter when Alex died. I needed her to talk to, and she couldn't give me the time of day. Now she tells me that she doesn't want to be here, but has no choice.  You mentioned you had other daughters; were they their for you when Rachel died?

It's killing me to know that he has her so turned around that she would be so insensitive to me and my feelings. Some days lately I just want to tell her to leave if it's so unbearable to live in the home I have struggled so long to keep for my family. Since I lost the other home, the thing I strive for the most is to keep my house so that when my children needed a place to go, they could always come home. So many times I let Alex come back, no matter how much he stole, no matter how much he hurt me. Now I have to live everyday knowing that my daughter is using me and could care less how much my heart is breaking. I try to not say anything negative about him, but nothing changes. He calls her an f-n retard, a f-n looser, etc... People who know me have asked me why is she with such a ugly man. Why does she let him treat her and the kids so badly, and I have to say; I really don't know.
Did you have any problems with talking to your daughters after Rachel's death?

How do I get my daughter to talk to me when she is being controlled by a monster. And that's not just my opinion, I haven't met one person who can say anything good about him. And I don't understand how she can care about a man who has turned her life and my grandson's lives upside down, and so very soon after she has lost her only brother. And over drugs too! Doesn't she see what drugs did to her brother, my only son??

How do I get through this when my daughter, the only child I have left doesn't even care about her mother. Or if she does she isn't allowed to show it.
By the way my name is Tina, I used Gloria61 because  of a song that I love. I should have said so sooner, but I didn't care what anyone called me, just that someone cared enough to talk to me. I apologize for not saying so sooner.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on December 17, 2010, 09:35:21 AM
(http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg)   
                (http://i366.photobucket.com/albums/oo105/Terry053/2alex.jpg)


Gloria, for future pictures, copy the IMAGE CODE from photobucket. You can also resize on that same page by choosing EDIT or by SAVING the IMAGE and then uploading it from your computer onto Photobucket. Also, you can do this in your computer's "picture program."

Whichever picture you would like to see on all of your posts, or if you choose to have both of these beautiful pictures, go to Forum Profile.

You can also arrange these pictures (side by side) by just changing the position where your IMAGE, URL is typed on the page.

At the bottom where it says Signature: paste the IMAGE code there. (You can still paste the URL in the box even if you have a poem or saying in there.)
• Click on the Change profile button.
• You should now have a picture at the bottom of your post.
• The picture should appear on the bottom of your signature area when you open your profile now. And, your pictures will appear on every post you write!

I hope this helps!

Your Alexander is beautiful. Thank you for sharing him!

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on December 18, 2010, 07:22:17 AM
Tina,
  I am so sorry that you don't have the support that you so desperately need from your daughter! From what you tell me, I would have to say that your daughter is going through her own hell of grieving and doesn't know how to deal with it. I think she is just angry at everything in her life right now also..her brother dieing..her living arrangement.. her fiance getting busted. I had the same situation with my oldest daughter a few years back and yes it took awhile but she finally woke up to the way things were going and divorced him. She will come to realize things in time, all you can do is stay strong and watch out for her and them babies. She is lucky to have such a caring and forgiving mother. She will come around and 1 day it will hit her and she will need her even more and you will be there when she does! It's what Mothers do.. no matter how old they get...we pick up the pieces.
   As far as my other 2 daughters, yes they were there with me through the whole process. They had to pick me up at the airport, be with me when I had to identify Rachel, the funeral and after. The only thing I can say about that is after everything had settled down, my middle daughter pulled away from me in the sense that she wouldn't answer calls to her. She wouldn't talk to me for months because the conversation would always turn to Rachel. She just couldn't talk about her and I had to respect that even though it hurt my feelings. Everyone deals in their own way.She now is the 1 who goes to her grave site and leaves flowers and such. It is harder for us because I live in South Carolina and they both live in Iowa so we have the distance thing between us so it makes it harder for us to be there for each other. I talked to my oldest yesterday and she is feeling the effect of December( Rachel's birthday coming and Christmas without her)as I am. She cried and was feeling so lost. I told her to just wrap herself up in her daughter, grand kids and her sister and her family  and enjoy the time with them. They are 1 and 2 years old so this is really the first Christmas they will enjoy and to just enjoy it with them. Make some new memories but hold on to the memories she had with her sister. As for me I don't know what I will do when them dates arrive.. I already feel so anxious with dread that I can't even function at times,but I am sure that I will get through it. I have too! If you need to talk Just know that I am here for you and holding you close in prayer and thought!! We will make it... we are strong!!
 Always in prayer,
   Gale
Title: Gail
Post by: gloria61 on December 22, 2010, 06:55:40 AM
Gail,

I just wanted to say my prayers are with you today, and I'm wishing Rachel a Happy Birthday in Heaven, and I'll check back through out the day to see if you need someone to talk to.

Tina
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on December 22, 2010, 08:28:52 PM
Tina,
  Thank You so much for thinking of me today and for your prayers. I made it through the day...barely. I cried alot, played music,cried some more, looked through Rachel's pictures,cried even more and slept. Christmas will be another day to get through. I really appreciate your concern for me today. Let me know if you ever need to talk.
  Hugs and prayers
    Gale
Title: Just another day in the life of a mother who wants her child back
Post by: gloria61 on December 29, 2010, 07:37:06 PM
It's taken me a couple months but I finally realized that my son is gone for good, that my family is forever broken, and that I have spent my life doing anything and everything for anyone who needed it all for nothing.  When I was six, I found out that I was adopted from the kids at school. I remember the tears as I was brought home to my "parents" who told me how they "picked" me out of a whole room of children.  From that day forward I struggled to find the love that I had lost when I was "given" away. I got married, I had two beautiful children, and I gave them all the love I felt I never had.Tonight I have come to the realization that I have wasted my time. I've struggled to keep my home, I tried to love and guide my children the best that I could with what I had. I've bent over backwards to have a family, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, because a family is what I wanted more then anything in life. As I sit here and write this, tears spilling down my face, I sit here alone in a house full of people. No one who "claims" to love me, not a single friend, not my "loving" daughter, or my "soul mate' have a clue of the pain and agony I live with day after day, minute after minute. I sit here alone just waiting for my "loved" ones to see how much I want my life to end. How much their actions hurt me, and how much I miss my son.  At this point I'd trade my life and everything I have left to have my son back, at least he didn't pretend to be something he wasn't, and when he told me he loved me I knew he meant it. I'm not looking for sympathy; I just want those who say they love me to actually show it. One of these days, when my time comes, and I sit by my son's side where ever he is I hope my "loved ones" find this and realize how much they have and are hurting me.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on January 05, 2011, 05:37:11 AM
Tina, I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone in your time of needing someone to truly understand how you feel, how much you are hurting and missing your son. I truly hope that your daughter comes to realize how much you need her now.Maybe she doesn't know how to share with you her feelings of her only brother's decision to end his life. Now she has lost her only brother and has become an only child. I think one day it will hit her and she will come to you. Just remember all that you have had with Alex and try to take some comfort in those memories. They are memories that no one can take away from you ever. Take some comfort and joy in your grandchildren, enjoy some time with them. I do know what you are feeling, I often sit here alone and wonder if anyone really realizes how much I hurt. I put on a brave face and face the world when inside I just want to curl up in a ball and let it all go by without me. I can't believe that next month will be a year already since Rachel died, it still feels like just yesterday.Yes, our children will be waiting when our day comes to join them and everyone that has passed before them. One day we will all be a family again in a much better place. A place where there will only be joy and love. No more pain and hurting. That place will be Heaven. God has kept us here because he knows that we are strong enough to get through this and whatever else He has planned for us. He isn't ready for us yet. Tina, we will make it...together!
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: CarolDG on January 05, 2011, 12:27:55 PM
  December 9, 2010, my beloved 39 year old son and only child committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. Most of his life he was depressed and tried to find help, but money is needed for the good help, and he could not hold down a job, so no money. He was a very angry young man, and his father is a very very angry man. His father, my ex, talked about suicide ever since I have known him, and my son probably heard it from birth. As it is now, the father has just talked about suicide, and our son is the one who killed himself! With my son gone, I feel as though I have lost everything and have no reason to live. How I can go on escapes me now, but I have read that that feeling will pass; I feel devastated, angry, hurt, punished, helpless, hopeless, and alone. Being alone is my biggest fear, and I am alone now because 14 years ago I separated from the man I was married to for 26 1/2 years because I could no longer put up with the abuse and disrespect and now my son is dead. I feel as though I am being punished for something because of all of the suffering I have endured. I was afraid that my son would someday commit suicide, but I had hoped that he would not do it. Now he is gone for good, and I all I have are memories. No more touching him, seeing him, or hearing his voice. I am afraid to feel because I am afraid that all I will feel is pain. No matter how much I miss my son, no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I ache, death is final, so he is gone; I cannot ache him back, I cannot cry him back, I cannot hurt enough to bring him back; I only survive until I can thankfully die and not suffer any more because my son is gone. Thinking of an afterlife is of no comfort now because I miss him NOW. I have to live until I die, and I will not see my son again here on earth. How can the pain be so intense?
  
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Motherof3 on January 05, 2011, 07:54:26 PM
((((Carol))))
 I am so sorry for the loss of your son, but I am thankful that you have found your way here. Unfortunately it is a site that never of us want to belong too but am glad that we are here for each other. Your pain is so intense because you are a mother who has lost her son! A child is someone who we love unconditionally and we as parents are supposed to outlive them. You are feeling exactly how a parent should feel after the death of a child. Your loss is so new and raw that it is understandable that your emotions are in turmoil. They will be for a long time to come but know that it is what we are all feeling here. I hear it does ease with time but I am still waiting for that time to come myself. I lost my youngest daughter Feb. 5th of this year. She hung herself in her condo. It was 11 months ago today and I still cried today. Please come here as often as you need too and someone will always answer you. Fell free to write as much or as little as you feel the need too.When you are ready we would like to hear more about your precious son. Again,I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
   I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts ((((((Carol ))))))
      Gale
Title: Re: Carol
Post by: gloria61 on January 06, 2011, 04:12:46 AM
Carol,

I recently lost my 25 year old son to suicide in October 2010. I know your pain, I know your heartache and often think myself that if I just died the pain would go away. I have found some consolation here, which I cannot seem to get from my “loved” ones.

I wish I had the answers that it seems we both need; why did our son’s do this? What could we have done to prevent it? There isn’t a day or an hour that I don’t think of my son. I had the added agony of sitting by my son’s side for 10 hours after life support was removed, watching and waiting for his last breaths. I can’t tell you when the pain goes away because I fear that it does not. I’ve read what others write here and it appears that the pain does not go away; it sounds like eventually we may find ways to live with and redirect it, and it sounds to me from others that write here that the pain can rear it’s ugly head when we least expect it.

I to sit here and wish for my own death: so that I can be with my son again, but I have a daughter and two beautiful grandsons living with me that need me right now. I have not yet gotten counseling, but plan to do so very soon. I have no one to talk to; my daughter has told me she doesn’t want to talk to me even though she lives in my home. I see the pain in her eyes; I know the loss she is feeling; yet I can’t talk to her. My “other half” also lives here and I can’t talk to him because he hated my son, as well as my son hated him. So I’m living in a house full of people I love but yet I live in a house alone??

I am so sorry that you have to come here to write as I have done, and many more before us. But take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Gale has responded to my posts many times, and I can honestly say that on a few occasions in the middle of the night I have come to my computer and read her words over and over, and they have brought me the comfort my own loved ones have not. Thank you Gale, in your pain and grief you have brought comfort to someone else.

As Gale has said, please write, as often, as much, or as little as you need and want. I have found that writing here helps; I know it won’t bring my son Alex back to me, but being able to express my pain and anger is comforting, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

Tina (Gloria61)
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on January 06, 2011, 07:00:51 AM
Hi Carol,

I am so deeply sorry to hear of your son's death. I'd like to welcome you to Webhealing where you'll receive a lot of support as others here understand what it is like to lose a child, although losing one to suicide carries many different emotions and although every death is painful, there are others on here who can relate to your loss and I know will be a comfort to you.

We all suffer with the pain of child loss, sadly and have found one another through this safe haven where we can share anything; feelings of guilt, anger, intense sadness....just know we care, very much and if you should need any help on any part of these boards, please feel free to message me and I will do what I can for you.

Again, I am so sorry, Carol. And, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know how difficult that is.

((((((((((((((((((((Carol))))))))))))))))

You have my Love,
Terry



Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: CarolDG on January 06, 2011, 12:23:00 PM
  I poured my guts out and ended up losing what I had written because I do not understand how to use this site, so I will have to post again some other time since I feel disappointed and do not want to write the same thing again.
  Thank you to those of you who posted comments.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: gloria61 on January 06, 2011, 05:50:15 PM
Carol,

If it helps and you have the ability I suggest writing what you need to on a word document and save it, then you can cut and paste it into the reply box.

I too have sat and written only to tap the wrong key and loose it all. I strongly suggest you try using a program like Word, or note pad; write out all that you want and copy and paste it.

Don't give up!

Tina
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on January 06, 2011, 06:46:40 PM
Carol,

I'm so sorry to hear that happened and like Tina suggested, and I've always done it when posting is to copy and paste into a word document. It has become a sort of online journal for me in another area of my PC! You may even find it helpful to read through them every now and then. It has also helped me!

Tom is always upgrading as needed for the boards and the time change from 60 to 180 minutes was included in the most recent one, especially since he was aware that it was causing the members some unneeded frustration.
(this will alleviate having you to sign back in after 60 minutes as was the timing originally!!)

Thank You, Tom!

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help such as posting a picture of your precious son...whatever you need, Carol!

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: CarolDG on January 07, 2011, 07:42:53 AM
  Bubba completed suicide, and I am in hell. Even with the aid of a sleeping pill, I only sleep six or seven hours. Waking up feeling devastated and distraught about Bubba’s death is driving me nuts! Every morning upon waking comes the dawning once again that Bubba is dead. Oh that I could know that he is at peace! Peace is what escaped him here. He was embarrassed because he thought that he was not what appeared to be successful. 
  Monday I attended a support group for those who have lost a loved one to suicide which meets the first Monday of each month. Conversing with the other women who had lost sons to suicide was awesome because we know of each other’s pain firsthand.
  Loneliness plagues me even more now with Bubba’s suicide. I live alone which bothers me and causes anxiety. I mourn because I had to divorce the man I married; he abused me verbally and mentally and was disrespectful. Even though it has been 14 ½  years since we separated and eventually divorced, I am still mourning the loss of my marriage and the fact that it was not my dream marriage but was a nightmare. Now I also mourn the son we had together.
  Sometimes I feel as though I did not know Bubba very well because I did not know that it was as bad as it was for him, and I ache thinking of the torment he endured, and I must not try to endure his pain because his pain is over.
  I do not want to be defined by pain, yet I hurt so much physically and emotionally over Bubba’s suicide that I often find it hard to believe that there is relief which I so desperately need because I have mourned hard for four weeks.
  Taking care of myself is most difficult since Bubba’s suicide because I find it hard to want to go on, yet I wake up each day and make it through somehow. Bubba talked about a mission; he did not know what his mission was. He had such angst, and I experienced angst over his angst. I am thankful that he walked this Earth with me for almost forty years plus the time in utero. He had a shorter journey here on Earth, and he left his footprints on my heart.
  I have read the other posts, and I give you my condolences over your losses and send you peace.
  Yesterday, I finished reading My Son…My Son… A Guide To Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide by Iris Bolton, and a suicidologist told her and her family that there was a gift for them in their son’s death since opportunities to help themselves and to help others  will come their way because of the death of their son, and I find that comforting.
  I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear rather than have to face another day in my hell. I chose to have one child, and he took his life. It seems to me that I am writing about someone else’s life because I did not think that my child would actually complete suicide. He is gone, and I did not know that he was leaving; I feel hurt that he did not call me and give me a chance and that he did not say goodbye, but I can also understand that he must have been in too much pain and was afraid that writing a  suicide note would keep him here when all he wanted was to be out of here. I need to forgive him for what he did.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: CarolDG on January 09, 2011, 04:45:28 PM
  Today, January 9th, is one month since Bubba ended his life. Most of the day has been overcast and snow has fallen for several hours. I feel anguish, agony, pain to the core of my being, sick, still shocked, abandoned, deserted, and forlorn. I am wondering if I am being punished for something by  having to live through such a tragedy because it sure feels like punishment to me. Yesterday, the younger of my two brothers said that I was taking this too well, but he does not see the inside of me like I do. The depths of the pain of Bubba's death goes too deep and hurts so much that I can hardly stand it. I talk to Bubba; I wonder if he is listening now.
Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Terry on January 10, 2011, 08:07:01 AM
  The depths of the pain of Bubba's death goes too deep and hurts so much that I can hardly stand it. I talk to Bubba; I wonder if he is listening now.

I believe he is, Carol. I still am not able to place this pain in any category that doesn't closely relate having been totally shattered. I'm so sorry. I can remember, but also being in such a fog earlier on not being able to fathom ever wanting to rejoin life again. In the beginning, in this awful stage of shock it's one moment at a time and then another and another until sleep finds you and brings you a tad of peace?, respite from the awful pain. I'm glad you're able to write all of these feelings down and express this pain you feel.

Try, as hard as it is to snack during the day and be sure you're drinking plenty of water/fluids. Grief/pain zaps our immune systems and we can become very ill. Please try and take care of yourself the best you can and know there are others here who understand and support you, every step of the way on this very, very difficult journey.

I don't feel Bubba's death was due to any event in your life but I do understand how you feel. Some or even a lot of us have felt we were being punished and the reason our children died. In time, you will realize that you were a good mother who loved deeply and a terrible tragedy occurred that was not in your control. It's devastating losing a child and in the beginning, we blame ourselves for not being able to save them, for how could a mother not know their child was in trouble? I often asked why I didn't "feel" anything as I always felt when something was wrong so how could I not have known my son was going to be killed? Because, I'm just a human being and don't possess those powers. It took a long time to make peace with that fact. So, please know I understand.

Others will say things that are very upsetting simply because they don't know what to say. People judge our grief, at times by how we appear to be, on the outside. Maybe your brother is just concerned. He's watching you go through, and will continue to, so many changes and that's why it's so important to seek balance and that balance is obtained, in part by surrounding yourself with those who truly understand your pain.

Please know I am here for you, day or night. We all are, Carol. Have you started a journal yet?

I'm sending you a big hug and sure wish you could feel my arms around you because I'm holding you tight.

((((((((((((((((Carol))))))))))))))

With love and loving thoughts of your precious Bubba,
Terry

Title: Re: Introductions
Post by: Donnys Dad on January 12, 2011, 10:46:38 AM
I too am very sorry to hear of your tragic lost.  It sure hurts.

I lost my son Donny at age 30, almost 7 years ago.  He had a wonderful job, a new house, truck and parents that did and would do anything for him.  He and I were so very, very close.  His girlfriends use to say we were connected at the hip.  I saw him on almost a daily basis as he only lived 2 miles away.  We would be mowing lawns together part time, working on his house or traveling to football games or NASCAR races.

He did not call or come by one Sunday.  On Sunday night I was on the couch when a cold erie breeze blew over me.  I thought Oh no something is wrong.  I drove to his house and found him on the couch in his wreck room.  He had shot himself in the head with a gun I had given him.

7 years later and I still break down almost daily.  He was my Son, my Best FrFriend, My Buddy, My life which ended when I found him.

Do glad to see that this suicide site has started.

Don