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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Spouse, Partner Loss => Topic started by: Tom on October 11, 2010, 04:56:03 AM

Title: Introductions thread
Post by: Tom on October 11, 2010, 04:56:03 AM
This is a thread to introduce yourself and say hello. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: ohsweetdonna on October 14, 2010, 12:58:45 PM
im not sure what to do here as this is my first time on this site
my name is donna and i lost my soulmate a little over a week ago
he died of a heart attack while we were on vacation, i was with him when he died
the grief i feel is unbearable, i miss him every second of every day
i wonder where he is now, if hes ok, does he know i miss him.  i thought that i would be able to feel him near me
but i dont
today would have been his 50th birthday
one second he was there then he was gone
im having a really hard time getting through each minute without him
he was my whole world, the love of my life
i try to think of the good times but that brings more heart ache for all the memories we wont share
for the memories that were taken from us
living without him is like living in hell
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 14, 2010, 01:44:44 PM
((((Donna))))

Hi Donna ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. 

Welcome to Webhealing.  You will find many loving, supportive people here that will offer you a helping hand and a kind word. 

This Board that you are posting on is very new, feel free to visit the other Boards, perhaps reading of others stories will help you. 

You are soooooooooooooo very early in your journey of greif.  It will take time, and lots of it.  Please take good care of yourself. 

Happy Heavenly Birthday to your soulmate. 

I am so sorry again, please come back and let us know how you are doing. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on October 15, 2010, 12:25:33 PM
Donna,

I am so sorry that you lost your soul-mate, and all of your future with him.  I know if feels unbearable.  I lost my soul-mate a little over 3 and 1/2 years ago.  I know how much it hurts.  He was my everything too.  He made it to his 50th, but only a few months past.  It gets easier, but it takes a lot of time.  There will be times when you get respite and can have some joy.  Take advantage of those times to the fullest without reservation or guilt because you need them.  The sad times will come again.  I always got so disappointed when I thought I was over it, and then the grief grabbed me again.  Then I realized I just needed to accept it and let it come.  Everyone has their own time table.  I hope for your heart to be comforted. 
Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on October 15, 2010, 11:11:28 PM
((((( Donna )))))

I am so deeply sorry for the sudden, tragic loss of your soul mate. I know the pain is unbearable right now.

"im having a really hard time getting through each minute without him."

One minute at a time, and especially in the earlier days, weeks is how I have always dealt with my losses. At times it is one second at a time. I know that words alone are not a consolation right now and I sure wish I could do more for you. Please know, though that I understand the deep pain from losing someone very dear and I am here to listen and to send you hugs and lots of love.

From what I've been blessed to see, Donna our loved ones are happy and in peace. It is the ones left to grieve who are suffering.

Please share more of your precious love as you are able. Try and take good care of yourself right now as stress caused from grieving zaps our energy level and the little reserve we thought we had left. Try to drink plenty of fluids and rest even if you can't sleep. And, let us know how you are doing. Know we care, very much.

Welcome to Webhealing. We are a family who listens, cares and understands the pain of great loss. There is so much support here and I'm glad you found us.

((((((((((((((Donna)))))))))))))))

You have my love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Imma on October 21, 2010, 04:42:10 AM
Hello,
I would like to introduce myself. My name is Imma, I lost my husband two years ago, and I'm still missing him a lot. We had got two children who are now seven and twelve years old , and despite all the sadness and the pain I try to make him present with us. When he died, I read a lot about the mourning  and I found a sentence that helped me quite a lot. It was a Seneca's sentence which says " Do not curse the gods that you can not live by, thank you had lived", then I realised that while me and the children remember him, he should live in us.  That's not easy and  sometimes it's very hard but it helps me. When there's a new decision about one of the boys I use to think what we should have done as a couple, as his parents, and I try not to forget his vision, because it's part of our family. In the other hand I don't feel it as an obssession, just a way of living.
Last September he would have done 50 years and we made a celebration, we made a video and we remember him with a lot of friends, it was sad but, at the same time, I felt him with me, with us, so I also was happy. It's difficult learn how to live without him but with him too.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 21, 2010, 09:17:55 AM
Dear Imma ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.

Welcome to Webhealing, you will find many supportive, kind people here to help you on your journey. 

Please come back and tell us more about your husband and/or feel free to start a new thread about him.

Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on October 21, 2010, 01:18:01 PM
Hi Imma,

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your precious husband. You're right, it does take time to learn how to live without them. It's a different life with many challenges. One day at a time with a little help from our friends.

" Do not curse the gods that you can not live by, thank you had lived", then I realised that while me and the children remember him, he should live in us.  That's not easy and  sometimes it's very hard but it helps me. When there's a new decision about one of the boys I use to think what we should have done as a couple, as his parents, and I try not to forget his vision, because it's part of our family. In the other hand I don't feel it as an obssession, just a way of living.


What a profound quote and how true. And, I agree it isn't easy. Nothing about living without them is easy.

Your children are blessed that you're continuing to raise them with both you and your husband's morals, values and are making decisions accordingly. Awesome!

Welcome to Webhealing! And, feel free to post on the Partner/Spouse Loss board. When and if you feel up to it, I would love to hear more about your husband. Do you have Holiday plans with the children? And, how are the little ones doing?

You have my heart along with your children!

My love,
Terry



Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: johnkmurray on November 21, 2010, 10:35:35 AM
Hi, I'm John, and I lost my wife Kit to cancer earlier this year. I found this board a couple of months ago. I check in periodically, and especially now with the holiday season upon us I am feeling her loss more intensely.

John
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on November 21, 2010, 11:16:03 AM
Hi John,

This is, by far the hardest time of the year for us all. There is no shame in hiding under the covers until it's all over (done that) or doing anything else that you feel you want or need to do. We do what we have to, to protect our hearts. I think the added stress comes when we allow others to lay the guilt trip on us for not being in the holiday spirit. I never allowed that, although many have tried.

I know this is your first holiday without Kit. Take care of yourself.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: iamnuttier on November 23, 2010, 02:11:03 PM
Hello My name is Elaine and I lost my husband to a massive heart attack on the 15th of november, it happened in front of me and I tried to help him till help got here but he was gone in the blink of an eye. I am now here all alone where it happened with no family friends or support system as I suffer from agoraphobia,bipolar and severe panic. I feel I lost my world he had just turned 50 11 days before his death and I am 42. I feel so lost, alone,angry,frustrated guilty among a few feelings I am going thru. I need to be able to deal with this all and don't know how to go about it so I figured I would start here. thanks
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on November 23, 2010, 02:39:42 PM
I am so deeply sorry, Elaine to hear this. My heart goes out to you.

I'd like to welcome you to Webhealing where I know you will find a lot of support as others have also suffered devastating losses and we are here for each other in our pain and sadness while on this very difficult journey while grieving.

So young and so sudden. I'm sending you the biggest hug right now and please know I care, very much.

I understand the agoraphobia as I was a shut-in a few years, but after an accident. Please know you are not alone and I was very thankful for the internet as I was unable to leave my home after my surviving son died. There is always someone here, Elaine, day and night and although we're miles away in distance, we are all bonded through similar experiences.

Please try to take care of yourself right now as I know how draining, stressful grief can be. And, the holidays are upon us so stay close to those who understand how difficult, especially these next weeks will be. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know you must be just devastated but you are not alone.

Sending hugs and so much love to you.

((((((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))))

Love,
Terry

Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: 06brkn14 on November 24, 2010, 11:32:24 PM
Lost my wife on June 14, 2010. She was hit by a car and killed instantly. This year we would have been married 10 years. Cannot believe it has been 5 months, not looking forward to later today. Just going to try real hard to not be sad in front of my kids. Need to be strong for them, they have seen me cry enough these past months. She left behind 5 daughters: 5 yr old, 8 yr old, 10 yr old, 14 yr old and a 19 yr old. They are the only thing keeping me together. Hope all of you can have the best holidays that you can.
Brad
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on November 25, 2010, 12:09:33 PM
Hi Brad,

It's hard to believe it's already been 5 months and I'm so glad you 'do' have the children in your life; I've heard from so many that it is what keeps them going.

I understand wanting to be strong for the children. My Granddaughter, who is my son's daughter shared with me that my house was the only place she could come where others didn't pretend Daddy didn't die. Children are so aware of our sadness, anyway so I have continued to "smile-through-my-tears!" I can be myself around her.

I commend you for trying to maintain the stability that children so desperately need to feel secure. They are surely blessed to have you in their lives.

I hope your Thanksgiving day will bring warm memories, amidst the pain. And, thanks so much for the update as I was thinking about you since I haven't seen you post in awhile.

((((((Brad)))))

My love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: 06brkn14 on November 28, 2010, 07:22:33 AM
Terry,

I do hope that one day we can meet. Your words are always so kind and so timely. I wish I had more time to post here and I am truly glad that I found this resource. Everyone on here is just so great. I also like to read others posts because it lets me know that I am not the only one going through this and that many others have it worse than I do. Which is good to see when I start to feel too sorry for myself. I thank you for you.

Brad
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on November 29, 2010, 03:16:01 PM
Thank You, Brad! And, I'm so glad to hear you're comfortable popping in, even amidst your busy schedule...I understand VERY well!!!

Keeping those hugs coming..(((((((((((((((Brad))))))))))) and look forward to hearing more from you!

My love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: proudphoenix on December 03, 2010, 09:36:20 AM
Hi, everyone,

Here's my story...

On November 6, I had arrived from out of state to stay with a friend ("S"), someone whom I had met online six months earlier and had started dating long-distance.

Once I got to Sís place, a few indications that he might have died two weeks earlier quickly came to light, and after a few calls to friends, the police, and the coroner's office, I verified that he had, in fact, died two weeks before my arrival, from heart failure at the age of 40 while hiking.

I missed the viewing (gathering) of S's friends and family since that happened before I found out about the above.

In the half-year that we knew each other, we communicated mostly by phone and text, plus a little email. And though S and I had spent only a few days in person together in August since meeting, we both had said that we couldn't wait to see each other again, when I flew out to see him again last month.

I've been planning to move to his area next October, and if things had continued going well, I had hoped that we might eventual start a committed romantic relationship.

I'm hoping that chatting a bit here and taking some other steps elsewhere will help me work through my grief.

Thanks for reading.

Paul
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on December 03, 2010, 09:53:47 AM
Dear Paul ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of S.

Welcome to Webhealing.  I am sorry you have to be here with us.  There are many loving, supportive people here.  There is always someone to listen and we understand......

Come back soon and let us know how you are doing. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: jcohenx on December 11, 2010, 03:57:27 PM
Hi;

My name is jc.  I am 43 years old and I live in Portland, Oregon.  My wife Laura died on 22 September, 2010 after a long battle with a lung disease called bronchiectasis.  She was in the ICU for the last 6 weeks of he life and I was there all day, everyday.  One night she suddenly couldn't breathe due to the formation of a pneumothorax in each lung.  It was all over in 20 minutes.  We never had any doubts that her lung condition would kill her sooner or later but we had no idea how hard and how fast the end would come.  We were married for 15 years, together for 25 and I was proud and grateful to have such a loving and caring partner who never once faltered in her love for me.

We didn't have children and my dog died 4 months prior from a stroke.  So now I am living alone for the first time in my life.  I have been living the most monastic of lifestyles.  I avoid alcohol, caffeine stronger than tea, and anything remotely sexual.  I read.  I swim for exercise.  I clean my empty house.  I walk in circles and I talk to myself.  I've lost about 14 lbs and my ribs are starting to show (on the plus side my abs have never been tighter).

Work has been a train wreck.  I find that I've contracted an acute case of ADD.  At work I try to keep my head down and not rage at anybody.  I blow off meeting requests regularly now. 

I went to two of the local bereavement support groups but I felt alien.  Everyone there was at lest 20 years older than me and had led full lives with their spouses before losing them.  I went to a therapist for the first time yesterday and within 10 minutes of the first interview she was suggesting medication.  Either I look much worse than I thought or my prognosis is just not that complicated.   I am realizing that all of my self-esteem and emotional currency was invested in being married to her.  Now that she's gone I need to find a way to redefine my purpose in life and I don't know how.  People ask how I'm doing and I reply, "I'm working on it."  I'm lying.  I don't know what "it" is or how to "work" on it.  So for now I ride it out and try to keep my personal demons on the bench.

More to come.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 11, 2010, 07:06:05 PM
Hi JC,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious Laura and such a recent loss. It's heartbreaking watching someone suffer and feeling helpless...I've been there and you have my heart.
What a great expression of love that the two of you were so fortunate to have for one another. It's this deep love and respect that deepens our grief for we find it hard to believe we will ever find happiness even close to what we had with them. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't.

Get another pet!!! They bring us so much unconditional love and comfort in a world where few can understand the pain we are going through....everything we are going through. You're not replacing your pet that died. That's not possible. You would be simply opening your heart to another and feeling their special love and affection. Your empty house would no longer be empty. Truthfully and even my own family doesn't "get it" but I probably wouldn't have made it this far without my furry friends. (Think about it!)

Keeping physically active is a good thing. You sound like a self-motivator and that's such a plus when grieving. And, setting boundries with others (and so soon) is impressive.

Sometimes those meetings (bereavement) can be helpful and other times, well it's hit and miss a lot, I've found. I commend you for taking that step to even attend.


I am realizing that all of my self-esteem and emotional currency was invested in being married to her.  Now that she's gone I need to find a way to redefine my purpose in life and I don't know how.  People ask how I'm doing and I reply, "I'm working on it."  I'm lying.  I don't know what "it" is or how to "work" on it.  So for now I ride it out and try to keep my personal demons on the bench.


Be patient with yourself, realizing that you have had a devastating loss and it has been so recent. These early weeks, months and even years is a readjustment into life and as you shared, a redefining of your purpose. It takes time. Have you started a journal? Writing all of my feelings down everyday was life saving for me. Many have gone on to publish books on grieving and their path to searching for new meaning....the heartache, the struggles and eventually a bit of peace and that glimmer of light when for so long, there had been only darkness.

Thank you, JC for sharing your Laura with us and letting us know how you're doing. Please come back and share more as you are able. Someone is always here to read and respond with an open heart.

Welcome to Webhealing. I'm so glad you found us!

Again, I am so deeply sorry for your loss and the difficult time you are going through. The holiday's are brutal on us and those first's are even more so. Stay close and know we care.

Sending lots of hugs and my love,

((((((((((((((JC))))))))))))))

Terry


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: jcohenx on December 12, 2010, 11:39:26 AM
Thanks, Terry;

I have thought about getting a new pet but there are complications.  I have a job that has me on the road a lot and especially now.  One of the main reasons I got a dog was to keep my wife company while I was gone and to have something big an loud to make her feel more secure.  If I were to get another dog now I would be absent about 50% of the time for the next couple of months so that's going to have to wait.

To be honest, I'm not so sure how good the job I have is for me anymore.  I am afraid of becoming a ghost in the neighborhood where I blow into town long enough to pay bills and rake leaves and then be out again.  My wife was very good at making sure that I keep ties to the neighbors.  She knew all the families on the block, their kids names, their interests, etc.  I am working very hard on that right now but it's not easy when I'm gone so much.  I am also worried about how my work relations are shaping up.  I may be on a somewhat self-destructive path at work.  I am definitely not bringing my A-game lately.  I am seriously considering an LOA in a month or two if things don't improve. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: jcohenx on December 12, 2010, 11:47:35 AM
Also, I've been keeping a journal for a while now.  I'm not sure if it's helping or not.  I tend to only write in it when I'm really down and rather than helping me chart the future I worry that it is only serving to cement my depression in the present.  As you said, Terry, I'm still in the very early stages of all of this so we'll see how it plays out.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 13, 2010, 07:28:23 PM
Hi JC,

So much changes when that special someone is no longer here with us. I wouldn't be too concerned regarding what the neighbors are thinking as I'm sure they have had to cope with losses, also and understand how much one's life changes. The daily routines, although healthy to try to keep up with to a certain extent, just don't seem to be the priority any longer while we're grieving. If things work out, in time then you'll probably stay there, where you're living now and if they don't, you'll make the decision to change that when the time comes. But, please try and hold off on making ANY major decisions for at least a year, maybe two. When we do that too early, we usually regret it.

There are going to be so many adjustments to your life already, just trying to live without Laura. Please be gentle with yourself and very patient. Concentrate on taking good care of yourself. Eating well and getting a lot of rest even if you can't sleep good and drinking a lot of fluids. Grief/pain/stress zaps our immune systems and can play havoc with our bodies and our minds. You are most important right now.

Maybe a LOA is in order. Only you know that for sure. It sounds as if you like your job and want to assure it stays intact. There's no rush to do anything right now. It's just too soon.

Regarding your journal, yes it may seem depressing but these are your real feelings and you are understandably sad and maybe it's too soon to be charting out your future and I've found the only way to unload what plays over and over again in our minds, is to write it down. Reflecting back on what we wrote weeks before can be such an awakening. Try and give it a little time.

Try to do something nice for yourself today. Something you may not have done in awhile. Make it "your time" where you can be alone with your thoughts to just relax. Take this special time out, however brief, everyday...just for you. You deserve to feel a little peace.

Know I care, very much and I'm here for you!

(((((((((JC & Laura)))))))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on December 13, 2010, 07:56:10 PM
Paul,

So sorry you had to lose someone who was becoming important to you and that you had to find out in the way that you did.  I know that must have been so traumatic.  I hope you will find the healing that you need.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on December 13, 2010, 08:19:53 PM
JC,

So sorry you had to lose your wife.  I know what you mean about the bereavement group and feeling you were too young to be there.  When my husband died he was only 50 and I was 52.  I did go to the groups but most of the people were in their seventies and had lived out their full life stages.  I know they were in as much pain as I was, but, it is a little hard not to be envious of them because they got the time they could reasonably expect to have.

I have found that pets can help a lot too.  I had to have my 19 year old cat euthanized right after Thanksgiving the year that my husband died.  It was so very hard.  Then my mother had to go in to a nursing home and I kept her cat for over a year and then he had to be euthanized.  I said I would never have another pet because It kills me to have to be the one to do that, but shortly before Christmas last year, I felt so lonely I decided to take in another kitty.  She has been the best companion.  But, I agree that if you have to travel for work, it's not the right time for a pet.

If your are having alot of trouble functioning at the level you feel is needed at work maybe it would be good if you have the option of taking a leave.  It is very hard to concentrate and organize after loss.  There are so many emotions to process and give expression to.  It's a full-time job in itself.  The process of creating a new world and a new you is very demanding and takes a lot of time and thought.

Find a friend you know you can trust, or use the therapist, to think through what your best option is re the leave from work, and then make your decision.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife                                    l                                                                       
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: moving on on December 15, 2010, 07:08:59 AM
So sorry to hear about your loss. It has been 11 months for me and with these holidays I have been having a real hard time with depression and such. I  do have a boyfriend who is a christian and an undertaker so he knows what I am going through and he is very supportive. But it just takes time to heal and to be able to move on. I really miss my husband escpically now with Christmas upon us but I try and think of the good times and remember the times we shared. I know this probably won't help anyone but hopefully it will in time help me. Merry Christmas to you all and keep your head up and lean on God.  :angel11:
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 16, 2010, 12:25:49 AM
moving on,

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope your holiday season will bring warm memories of your precious husband!

Come back and let us know how you're doing!

(((((((((((moving on))))))))))))

My love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 16, 2010, 12:34:29 AM
Paul,

I'm so sorry for your loss, so recent and so unexpected. Such an unusual and both exciting means of connecting. How fortunate for you both to have found a common bond across the miles and although your time spent together was brief, it sounded meaningful and also, promising. Again, I'm really sorry...you have my heart.

Welcome to Webhealing and I hope you come back and tell us more about "S." I'd love to hear!

Sending hugs and love to you!

(((((((((((Paul))))))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mamadonna on December 17, 2010, 07:29:48 AM
On 12-20-02 I typed the word "widow" into google and found a grief support group that I became a part of and it became my new family.  My wonderful husband of 23 years had died of blastomycosis - a strange disease of the chest that he contracted from the river bank where we lived. My world had fallen apart.  Later in 2003, I started the healing process and while in the grief support group, I reached out to a farmer who had lost his wife of 39 years. He was hurting so bad and we became e-mail friends for months.  Needless to say, in 2005, we became husband and wife and we started a new life together.

On November 4, 2010, I went out of town with his sister. We had just talked on the phone and he asked me to call him at 6:00AM to wake him to go to the fields. When I could not reach him, his son was contacted and found his dad in bed with his favorite book on his chest, glasses on his head and the light still on. Once again, my life has fallen apart.

I just retired 7-1-10 and we were beginning a new chapter of our life.  We had started traveling, he finally was learning how to relax and we had all these wonderful plans that included our 6 grandsons.  I have lost two husbands in 8 years and my heart is broken.  I have been through all the stages of grief. I know the process and the pain that goes with the loss.  This time is so different to me - I am 8 years older, I am still in shock and I am so angry!  I just don't know what to do next. This is such an over-whelming feeling and I don't have the energy to go on. Last time I relied totally on my faith and this time, I am even questioning that too and that makes me feel even more guilty.  Of course, the holidays are here which makes the pain even worse.

I am going through the motions. My only strength is coming from  knowing that we lived each day as if it was our last one!  We were both widows - that is why.  We had been as low as we could go and were given a second chance together. We had this for 5 1/2 years. I just wanted it to last longer.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 17, 2010, 09:26:57 AM
mamadonna,

To lose then find love again and lose again...my heart goes out to you and I am so deeply sorry for this journey through grief once again. I imagine that you are in shock, it has been so recent. Just 6 weeks ago.

Welcome to Webhealing and I know you'll find the comfort and understanding so needed to get you through these dark days ahead. These holidays are just brutal on us all and know we are here for you, day or night.

Please don't feel guilty for questioning your faith as this is all a part of grieving and the pain we feel and the blame has to be placed on someone. HE has big shoulders and understands. The shock will protect you from the even more intense pain that is to come and the anger is just something we all go through.

Please be kind to yourself and know that everything you're feeling is OK and it's taking a step forward when you're feeling strong enough. But, right now, care for YOU! Rest an eat well and know that you have been devastated by a great loss.

Thank you for sharing your loves. Come back and tell us more as you are able.

((((((((((((((((mamadonna))))))))))))))

With Love and Understanding,
Terry

Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: DaveB on December 20, 2010, 09:50:24 PM
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: SarahW on December 21, 2010, 06:19:37 AM
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB

Hi, Dave -

I lost my husband years ago, but I remember well the feeling - be good to yourself, let yourself grieve, and come here anytime you need to "write it out."

I am here due to my son's recent death - when my husband died, there was no webhealing.com - but loss is loss, and we all know how it feels to suffer this sort of devastating loss.  You can never really "be ready."

Your wife sounds very special.  I am sorry for your loss, but glad to know that you had such a wonderful love in your life.

Time will help take the edge off - all my best to you and yours for a rewarding holiday season.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on December 21, 2010, 09:27:20 AM
Hi Dave ~

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.

Welcome to Webhealing, there are many people here who are here to listen and understand what you're going though.  I am sorry you have to be here with us. 

I am glad to read that writing here has helped you some.  You're very early in your greif, be patient with yourself.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: jcohenx on December 22, 2010, 08:49:01 AM
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB

Hi Dave;

So sorry to hear about your wife.  Reading your story sounds a lot like my own.  My wife also died from lung problems about 2 months ago, we were married for 15 but together for 25 years.  I also knew that her lung condition would eventually kill her but I had no idea how bad I would feel when the end finally came.  Did your wife have CF or maybe bronchiectasis?  If so, I can recommend a great site for you.

I also started back to work within 2 weeks of her memorial.  This may have been a mistake in my case.  I clearly was not bringing my A-game (still not really there) and all my co-workers were understandably circumspect.  I tried to focus on little tasks, stay a moving target.  This worked for me for a while but eventually I ran out of momentum and all those feelings I'd been avoiding came flooding back like a tidal wave.  Don't let yourself become a workaholic.  By that I mean don't bury yourself in work as an excuse not to explore how you are feeling.

  Crying everyday is not uncommon and you need to get it out of your system.  I wish that I could tell you that I don't still cry a lot but it's not true.  My meltdowns don't come on a schedule or for any fixed duration of time.  If you feel yourself start to spiral down when at work then you need to take the time off, even if it's just for an hour or two.  Hopefully your work will understand.  On the flip side, if people at work are trying to get you to open up and it makes you uncomfortable then say so.  Just be polite and say, "Let's not do this now."
 
  If you feel like you are going crazy it's because grief like this is a little like going crazy.  I definitely have times when I feel like very neuron in my brain is misfiring.  I walk in circles and talk to myself daily.  It's hard to eat and to sleep and at home I have a type of bone crushing, all-encompassing loneliness that threatens to engulf me entirely.  I wish I could tell you that it's going to get better soon but that would be lying.  All I can tell you is that I've been there, I'm still hurting really badly 2 months later, but I'm still here.

  Keep in touch.

jc
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: DaveB on December 23, 2010, 11:23:34 AM
Thanks jc (and others who responded).

Yeah, it sounds like we're in very similar situations...I'm just behind you by a couple of months.

My wife had Bronchiolitis obliterans, which led to her transplant, but they don't know what caused it. She lived with it for a number of years before transplant, waited 2 years for the transplant, then lasted 9.5 years after transplant. Now it seems like those years have gone by in a flash. She was pretty active after her transplant, and we did lots of fun things, so I have no regrets about that. I just wanted it to last another 9.5 years (and then another...). Seems unfair that she had to go so early, but that's just Gods plan for her.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't descend into almost paralyzing despair. There was a John Wayne marathon on the tv, I think that helped keep me occupied. I haven't tried going back to work after my initial attempt on Monday, but my company has been really good about letting me take whatever time I need. When I do go back, there will be lots of traveling...don't know how I'll do with that. In the past, I used to worry every day about how my wife was doing back home.

I know what you mean about walking in circles. Most of the time I feel like a zombie. I'll get up right in the middle of something (eating or writing a letter) and wander into another room or the garage, then wonder what I'm doing there.

I'm really sorry about the loss of your wife too. Keep hanging in there. Christmas is upon us, and I'm not looking forward to it. There's going to be reminders of her everywhere, and I'm not sure how I'll react. Afterwords I think I'll take a road trip somewhere.

Dave
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: johnkmurray on December 24, 2010, 12:02:00 PM
Dave,

I'm truly sorry for you on your loss. I lost my wife to cancer last April and all I can say about life as a widower is this: it sucks. The mind numbing sorrow, the zombie-like feelings, the crushing grief, all that is part of getting through this. Christmas is like rubbing salt into open wounds, yet at the same time is part of the healing process. I wish I could say that it will get better for you soon (and it may) but for me that has not yet happened. Too many 'firsts' since losing Kit.

What I can offer as hope is that here you will find kindred souls, people with whom you can safely share your feelings and who will be here to help you through the healing process.

Hang in there brother,
John
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: DaveB on January 05, 2011, 03:26:02 PM
Thanks John, sorry I took so long to reply.

I've re-read you post many times. I really am experiencing what you describe. Only, I'd say it's gotten worse. I can barely stumble through a day, it seems. I finally did start back to work this past Monday, but my heart isn't in it.

I'd say the most helpful thing for me so far, is the journal I've been writing. But even at that, I find myself asking questions that will never be answered, agonizing over past events (even before we were married) that were painful to us both, but we managed to push past and bury, while building a loving, happy life together. There will never be resolution to these issues, unless I allow it. And right now my grief-sick brain won't allow it, for some reason. It's enough to make one crazy.

So, I'm hanging in there...but barely.

Dave
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on January 07, 2011, 02:47:45 AM
Dave,

I'm so sorry about your wife and I'd like to Welcome you to Webhealing. Your loss is so recent and there really isn't any way to prepare for their death, regardless of how long we knew of the severity of their health problems. I've been there more than once and I understand. It's very difficult trying to find our way after such a devastating loss.

I started a journal early in my grief with all of my losses and filled a room with writing tablets, I had so many feelings. It's not always easy and at times it's very difficult to write things down that we barely want to remember but it's a lifeline and I hope you stick with it!!

You're dealing with a lot of 'first's' and just know you have my heart and my understanding. You're not alone.

((((((((((((Dave))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: ManyTears on January 14, 2011, 10:14:25 AM
Hi.  I am new.  New to the site, but not new to grief. Inside of 14 months I lost my father, mother and husband. It has been almost 5 years since my hero died.  I have had such a difficult time finding solace, trying to heal, trying to live. Time seems to stand still. 
My son suggested finding an online support group, I am amazed at the compassion I see shared here. I was 43 when he passed, and wrote a song I titled Only Another Widow Knows.  You have made the words to that song so true. I want to say thank you for being here. I am too young to feel this old, some days are diamonds, most days are just plain stones. But I keep going. I carry a burden of so many unanswered questions, and often now no one seems to truly understand why I still cry. That is why I am here.  To introduce myself,
ManyTears
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: ManyTears on January 14, 2011, 10:36:53 AM
Hi Dave
I'm new too. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I know what you mean about distractions, they do help a little. It sounds like your wife was very brave and courageous.  And I know it is hard to find that in yourself, especially now, so early.  Take things one day at a time, even moment by moment if needs be.  That depair you talked about, it is like a wave of the ocean that washes over you sometimes, try to let it come and while you are in it, know that just like an ocean wave it will subside. 

Know that many people, I am learning from this site, can truly understand and know what you are feeling.  Perhaps there really is strength in numbers.

ManyTears
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on January 14, 2011, 10:45:25 AM

Hi, and I'd like to welcome you to Webhealing. I'm sorry to hear of so many great losses and you truly have my heart.
As you have already read, all here have experienced great loss and there is love and compassion to be found in the wonderful hearts here at Webhealing. We're a family in so many ways and I am very grateful for the support and the caring that is so evident in others words when reaching out.

Please tell us more about your precious family when you are able. There is always someone here to listen. If you should need any help with posting pictures or with any other part of these boards, just let me know. I'll be happy to help!
  I have had such a difficult time finding solace, trying to heal, trying to live. Time seems to stand still. 
My son suggested finding an online support group, I am amazed at the compassion I see shared here. I was 43 when he passed, and wrote a song I titled Only Another Widow Knows.  You have made the words to that song so true. I want to say thank you for being here. I am too young to feel this old, some days are diamonds, most days are just plain stones. But I keep going. I carry a burden of so many unanswered questions, and often now no one seems to truly understand why I still cry. That is why I am here.  To introduce myself,
ManyTears

((((((((((((((((((ManyTears)))))))))))))))

My Love,
Tery
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: ManyTears on January 15, 2011, 06:57:47 AM
Thank you Terry. It has been a long journey. It is good to be able to talk to someone that KNOWS what this feels like.  My father died with lung and liver cancer 12 days after he was diagnosed. It was thee most hardest thing I have ever watched,  to see my father a man I thought was invincable succumb and die so quickly. He was a big man, physically and spiritually.  He and my mother were married 57 years and they raised 6 children. Then my mother, she survived him only by a few months, she was my best friend. Mom also had lung cancer. After they passed, both in the only home I had known as a child,  my husband Doug and I bought a small farm 200 miles from that home place.  We had worked very hard for it, and were proud to achieve our dream.  We paid cash for it, Doug gave his company to the oldest boy and retired at 45. This was celebrated with us by so many people.

Less than 90 days after we bought and moved to our little farm, 8 months after my mother died, my hero, the love of my life, the man that loved and raised my boys as his own since they were babies, my 45 year old husband dropped over dead with a heart attack. He died in my arms. His heart just exploded. We were married 17 years. He was a veteran and at his service he was given full military honors.  I still can hear those 21 guns, I still can hear Taps on those bagpipes, I can still see the light leaving his eyes.  I knew not a soul in our new place, more than 3 hours from my children, grandchildren and brothers.  After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day.  A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry".  I recall thinking, no way, not my family.

My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn.  This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply.  It has changed my relationship with my boys.  They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that?  I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man.  I believe that death alienates us in and of itself.  Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here.  It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen.  Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone.  That is why I cry so . . .
ManyTears
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: survior of suicide loss on January 16, 2011, 12:09:56 AM
 My name is Angela. At the age of 33 I became a widowed mommy. My husband of 5 years decided life was no longer worth living. He past away from suicide 9/22/2010. We have a 4 year old little girl. His parents relationship with me has been strained, at the begining they blamed me for his suicide. It has been an emotional roller coaster.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: ManyTears on January 16, 2011, 06:24:30 AM
Angela
Hello and welcome.  I am so sorry you lost your husband.  My heart is with you, and you and your daughter are in my prayers.  You are so young.  I am glad you found this place, a place where you can talk about it when you need to. I find that having such a place calms me, sharing with others, hearing their heartbreak, knowing that I am not completely alone gives peace to my soul. 

Your inlaws are hurting too, losing their son.  Please don't add to your emotional roller coaster spending energy right now to heal them too, you need to work on you, take care of you and that precious 4 yr. old angel.  I pray they will find solace and recognize your pain and keep you close.  The blame thing is not good for any of you right now.  Not now, or ever.

Grace and peace unto you Angela
ManyTears
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on January 17, 2011, 06:02:24 AM
Hi Many Tears,

 

 After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day.  A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry".  I recall thinking, no way, not my family.

My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn.  This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply.  It has changed my relationship with my boys.  They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that?  I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man.  I believe that death alienates us in and of itself.  Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here.  It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen.  Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone.  That is why I cry so . . .
ManyTears

Sadly, I understand. As time goes by, and remember that time has a different meaning for those who grieve because for so long we are in a suspended state of shock, disbelief and years to us may seem like months to those around us. They aren't living with what we are living with, so please know I understand the hurt you're feeling and also, the disappointment.

Our family and friends alike, miss us and want us back the way we used to be. They are, in their own way grieving for us. They are scared. Fearful that we will never return to the world of the norm, whatever on earth that may be. I've never been able to figure out what that word means!

You will have so many challenges to face and to try to conquer. You will only be able to deal with your own. I learned a long time ago that I am not responsible for others reactions and expectations of me. I have always put forth my best effort to be understanding with others, being very specific that my childrens memory will always be honored and if they choose to not be a part of that great honor then so be it. That choice is their's.

Setting guidelines with those closest to you will be your greatest challenge. Letting them know that it hurts you deeply to not be a part of their lives, in any way; including memorials. The memorials are a ritual and one that keeps us grounded in our grief.

Though very difficult, as we've all been there; try to stay focused on your needs right now continuing to include your family by invitation. If they do not wish to attend then again, that is their choice. This is 'your' grief and you own your feelings. Your deep pain is fueled by your deep love and that love never dies or even dissipates over time.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Rejection. This is so hard to deal with atop our grief. Please know we are here for you and we 'want', very much to hear about your family and the ways you've chosen to honor them. Sadly, this is the story we all tell and we are hurt most by our family. Remember they love you but they just do not understand time, as we now know it.

Post your family's dates on our calendar so they will be remembered, here. Dealing with these dates, and especially the anticipation of them which I have found is always much worse, can and does take us to a dark place. Remember there is light and it is in the hearts of all who care for you.

We are always here for you.

((((((((((((((((((ManyTears))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on January 17, 2011, 06:11:37 AM
Angela,

I am so sorry for the great loss of your husband and also being so recent, you're having to deal with all of those painful 'first's.' Your daughter is truly a blessing and how is she doing?

Being blamed for his death must be overwhelming you right now. When someone dies....someone has to be blamed. Always!!!! It's human nature and will never change. The emotions involved with someone taking their own life, in the beginning are fueled by guilt. I'm so deeply sorry.

Know that many here understand and please tell us more when you are able. Take good care of 'you' right now. Eating well/snacking. Drinking plenty of water/fluids and try to rest the best you can. And, know that we are here for you. You do not have to be alone in this.

((((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: SarahW on January 17, 2011, 05:37:27 PM
My name is Angela. At the age of 33 I became a widowed mommy. My husband of 5 years decided life was no longer worth living. He past away from suicide 9/22/2010. We have a 4 year old little girl. His parents relationship with me has been strained, at the begining they blamed me for his suicide. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

It wasn't suicide, but I lost my husband when my son was still a baby.

It is a roller coaster, and it will be for some time.  Let your love for your daughter help you.

Let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: SarahW on January 17, 2011, 05:38:34 PM
Hi Dave
I'm new too. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I know what you mean about distractions, they do help a little. It sounds like your wife was very brave and courageous.  And I know it is hard to find that in yourself, especially now, so early.  Take things one day at a time, even moment by moment if needs be.  That depair you talked about, it is like a wave of the ocean that washes over you sometimes, try to let it come and while you are in it, know that just like an ocean wave it will subside. 

Know that many people, I am learning from this site, can truly understand and know what you are feeling.  Perhaps there really is strength in numbers.

ManyTears


Great advice.  I hope you are doing well, "riding the waves."
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: SarahW on January 17, 2011, 05:44:19 PM
Thank you Terry. It has been a long journey. It is good to be able to talk to someone that KNOWS what this feels like.  My father died with lung and liver cancer 12 days after he was diagnosed. It was thee most hardest thing I have ever watched,  to see my father a man I thought was invincable succumb and die so quickly. He was a big man, physically and spiritually.  He and my mother were married 57 years and they raised 6 children. Then my mother, she survived him only by a few months, she was my best friend. Mom also had lung cancer. After they passed, both in the only home I had known as a child,  my husband Doug and I bought a small farm 200 miles from that home place.  We had worked very hard for it, and were proud to achieve our dream.  We paid cash for it, Doug gave his company to the oldest boy and retired at 45. This was celebrated with us by so many people.

Less than 90 days after we bought and moved to our little farm, 8 months after my mother died, my hero, the love of my life, the man that loved and raised my boys as his own since they were babies, my 45 year old husband dropped over dead with a heart attack. He died in my arms. His heart just exploded. We were married 17 years. He was a veteran and at his service he was given full military honors.  I still can hear those 21 guns, I still can hear Taps on those bagpipes, I can still see the light leaving his eyes.  I knew not a soul in our new place, more than 3 hours from my children, grandchildren and brothers.  After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day.  A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry".  I recall thinking, no way, not my family.

My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn.  This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply.  It has changed my relationship with my boys.  They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that?  I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man.  I believe that death alienates us in and of itself.  Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here.  It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen.  Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone.  That is why I cry so . . .
ManyTears

Pain and tears do lessen with time, but no one has the right to tell you how much time you need.

It sounds like your children needed less time than you do - but this is very individual.  They are ready to move forward at a quicker pace than you are, but you cannot force yourself to "catch up with them."

It will take however long it takes.

I am glad you have found this posting board as a place where you can share your feelings.  Also, don't hesitate to get help from your community if you need it - a counselor, a minister or priest, a sympathetic friend, etc.

All my best.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: allalone on March 26, 2011, 12:10:06 AM


Hi, I am new to this site. I have called myself Allalone, because that's how I feel at this stage. I lost the love of my life to cancer exactly a month ago. He was fit when he went for a medical examination for a new job and was found to have a patch in his lung. This was subsequently diagnosed as lung cancer. He never gave up hope and fought and lived for 2 years. He was healthy most of the time, however just 2 months before his death, he started to feel unwell and 37 days before he died we were told his liver had multiple metastases and he had weeks to live. His decline was very fast and although he died of liver failure, he had not lost any weight and looked good till the very end. He was calm and serene and prepared for his funeral and did all the arrangements so that I would not have to do it alone. I looked after him at our home and he died in our bed. He waited for everyone to leave the room and died peacefully in my arms at 0115 in the morning. Although we had spoken of his dying and I had released him, I feel empty, lost and devastated as I held his lifeless body. I then went on auto pilot for a few weeks, while I did all I had to do re: the funeral etc. We have 2 small kids aged 11 and 9 and my only reason for living at the moment is because of them. I find the pain immense. Although I was expecting him to die, I did not expect to be so devastated and lost as I am a very independent professional, but at the moment I am confused and feel I am hopeless myself. I also lost my mother to leukemia exactly 6 months before my husband passed away and now I am grieving and missing her too.  Both of us are Christians and my husband believed he was being healed and death could not destroy him. I too believe He is now totally free of the cancer and that he is healed. My faith is what comforts me but still I find the cross too heavy and the pain almost unbearable.

Reading some of the entries here have given me courage that I am not alone and I know I will overcome this stage and be able to move on.

I came to this forum to get support so that I do not feel allalone.
Thanks

Allalone 

Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: SarahW on March 26, 2011, 07:41:01 AM


Hi, I am new to this site. I have called myself Allalone, because that's how I feel at this stage. I lost the love of my life to cancer exactly a month ago. He was fit when he went for a medical examination for a new job and was found to have a patch in his lung. This was subsequently diagnosed as lung cancer. He never gave up hope and fought and lived for 2 years. He was healthy most of the time, however just 2 months before his death, he started to feel unwell and 37 days before he died we were told his liver had multiple metastases and he had weeks to live. His decline was very fast and although he died of liver failure, he had not lost any weight and looked good till the very end. He was calm and serene and prepared for his funeral and did all the arrangements so that I would not have to do it alone. I looked after him at our home and he died in our bed. He waited for everyone to leave the room and died peacefully in my arms at 0115 in the morning. Although we had spoken of his dying and I had released him, I feel empty, lost and devastated as I held his lifeless body. I then went on auto pilot for a few weeks, while I did all I had to do re: the funeral etc. We have 2 small kids aged 11 and 9 and my only reason for living at the moment is because of them. I find the pain immense. Although I was expecting him to die, I did not expect to be so devastated and lost as I am a very independent professional, but at the moment I am confused and feel I am hopeless myself. I also lost my mother to leukemia exactly 6 months before my husband passed away and now I am grieving and missing her too.  Both of us are Christians and my husband believed he was being healed and death could not destroy him. I too believe He is now totally free of the cancer and that he is healed. My faith is what comforts me but still I find the cross too heavy and the pain almost unbearable.

Reading some of the entries here have given me courage that I am not alone and I know I will overcome this stage and be able to move on.

I came to this forum to get support so that I do not feel allalone.
Thanks

Allalone 



Your beloved sounds like a wonderful, strong, caring man - what a blessing he must have been in your life, but also, what a tragic loss for you and your children.

In some ways, you are "all alone" in this.  I was widowed with a small child and though others loved my husband very, very much, and suffered his loss at least as much as I did, my position was unique.  No one but me had been his partner, living with him every day, and counting on him to be a daily part of my life for years to come.  No one but me had a chid with him, and no one but me now had a fatherless child, to raise alone.

So - in any tragedy, those of us who mourn, mourn alone to a certain extent.  For each of us, there are unique circumstances that we have to deal with, and no one but us can know exactly how it all feels.

But, there is also a sense in which a grieving person is NOT alone, but is part of an infinitely large community that is doing the same.  And that community can be a comfort.  That community can let you know you're not crazy, when you feel as if you are losing your mind.  That community can help you stay afloat and not give up.  That community can let you know how time helps, and how it doesn't help - so you can look forward to some relief, and plan how to manage living with the scars and wounds that stay with you.

I know it can be hard to share your grief, so I just want to tell you that I appreciate you coming here and sharing.  Not only does it make you feel less alone, it makes us all feel less alone.

All my best to you and your loved ones as you move forward from this terrible event.  Come back any time to share more or to let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: ccwilcox on April 02, 2011, 06:22:46 PM
I'm new here but wanted to introduce myself and my situation.  My husband, who was the love of my life, died almost two weeks ago from lung cancer.  I had friends and relatives all around me until late yesterday, and now I feel like I've been kicked in the chest.  It hurts to breathe.  I sometimes cry so much I think I'll never be able to stop.  I feel lost.  I don't know how people stand pain like this.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: allalone on April 04, 2011, 05:05:31 AM
ccwilcox, my heartfelt sympathies. I want to embrace you and send you love. Cry whenever you feel like it, I find tears healing. Lung cancer is terrible. My husband too died of lung cancer on the 26th of Feb 2011. Nothing prepared me for it. It is very difficult but now after 5 weeks, some days I feel better and I still am lost and crying, but the pain is decreasing. Yes, sadly family and friends leave surround your for the first few days and then you are all alone, expected to move on, when you feel torn apart, Keep writing.
My prayers are with you.

God Bless
Allalone
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on April 07, 2011, 06:15:12 AM
ccwilcox,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. These days, weeks after our loved ones die can feel unbearable. Please know that we understand here as we either have all been through it or like yourself, are presently going through it.

Welcome to our Webhealing family where I know you will find comfort and support from others who walk this same path. Try to take good care of yourself, especially now when this awful shock causes such a strain on us, both emotionally and physically. Drink plenty of water and rest, even if you are not able to sleep. Come here, day or night and just write, write, write. It really helps to get all of your feelings out.

Know we care, very much.

((((((((((((((((ccwilcox))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: johnkmurray on April 08, 2011, 07:04:18 AM
I'm new here but wanted to introduce myself and my situation.  My husband, who was the love of my life, died almost two weeks ago from lung cancer.  I had friends and relatives all around me until late yesterday, and now I feel like I've been kicked in the chest.  It hurts to breathe.  I sometimes cry so much I think I'll never be able to stop.  I feel lost.  I don't know how people stand pain like this.

Ccwilcox - We stand the pain because life leaves us little choice. Does it get better with time? Yes ... gradually. I lost my wife to cancer a year ago and although the last year has been full of both good days and bad days, I can honestly say that the good ones are slowly increasing while the bad days grow fewer. You're taking the first steps in an unwanted journey but you're not alone. Cry when you need to cry, or simply when you want to. Rejoice in the good memories of your life together - celebrate his life, even while you mourn his loss.

John
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: michelle1 on April 10, 2011, 03:11:29 PM
Hi,

My name is Michelle and I lost my husband on January 28th.  He was 50 years old.  This is my first time here so I'm not sure what I am doing.

My husband was most definitely my soul mate.  We did everything together... He died suddenly of a heart attack.  It still does not feel real.  He left me a voice mail when he left work that day telling me how much he loved me and those were the last words I heard from him.  I erased the message before I knew what the day would bring.  I can never get it back.

I read what someone else wrote about it being like a roller coaster ride and I feel exactly like that.  I feel good one day and think I can get through it and then the next moment it is all I can do to make myself go on.
Today is one of those days.   I just don't know how to live without him.  I have been going to church and constantly try to think that God has a plan and there is a reason "a bigger picture"... but I still find myself wondering why this had to happen.

None of my family lives near me.  I don't talk much about myself or my feelings and don't want them to go out of their way.  Actually no one lives near me.  I feel very isolated right now but don't like to bother anyone.  I am always pleasent... in front of people.  My brother keeps saying I am so strong and I'm going so much better than he would be doing.  This just makes me wonder how I'm supposed to be acting.  He does not know what I feel on the inside.

Yesterday was the first time I went to see my family since everything happened.  They were having a suprise 10th anniversary party for my brother and his wife.  I did not think anything about it until I got there and saw the photo album  of memories that was made for them... It hit me really hard and I had to hold back tears.  My husband and I will never have a 10th anniversary...

Our 8 year anniversary will be on Mother's Day weekend.  I have a work related committement that weekend.  I don't know what to expect then.  I never know when it will all hit me.  Sometimes I want to just drive away and disappear and never come back.  I don't know how to do this without him.  I have to work to survive but I cannot fully concentrate on work.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Tinabeth on April 22, 2011, 10:33:02 AM
michelle1,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I, too, am new to the website and to widowhood.  I lost my husband Jay 9 weeks ago in a car accident.  He was 48 and we had been married for almost 29 years.  

I completely understand when you say life is like a rollercoaster....up, down, up, down, left, right, upside down.  I wonder sometimes if I'm losing my mind.  I don't know about you, but I'll have a very bad day (sometimes 2 in a row) then I'll have a day or two where I feel almost numb with only momentary times of breaking down.

I've read alot since my husband passed.  Some books I've read that have given me some comfort and reassurance that I'm not losing my mind are:  "I wasn''t ready to say Goodbye" by Brook Noel & Pamela Blair; "Reflections of a Grieving Spouse" by H. Norman Wright; and "When God & Grief Meet" by Lynn Eib.  The latter two have really been a comfort to me and provided me with some information that has helped me along this terrible journey.

I pray you find some comfort in your contacts on this website.  I will keep you in my prayers.  


Hugs, Tinabeth
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on April 22, 2011, 11:39:14 AM
Hello Michelle1 ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.....

Tinabeth ~ I am so very sorry for the loss of Jay.....

Welcome to Webhealing, I wish none of us had to be here, but this Board is a source of strength and light for many, and I hope you will feel at home here.  There is always someone to listen, and always someone that cares. 

Feel free to start a new thread telling us more about your husbands.

Sending love and light to the both of you.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: arthur on April 25, 2011, 09:14:38 PM
Hi my name is Arthur..I was going to write an introuction of myself and my wonderful wife Maureen who died on 041411 ..but I can't do it today. The memories still too painful for me to recount without losing it. I just want all you to know I really appreciate the compassion shown to me when I responded to the ADD thread. I'll try to do this again later when the wounds are not so fresh.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on April 26, 2011, 09:02:32 AM
(((Arthur)))

We are all here for you when you are ready...

Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Tinabeth on April 26, 2011, 12:16:18 PM
Arthur - I'm very sorry for your loss.  Tinabeth
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: arthur on April 26, 2011, 04:17:19 PM
Hi my name is Arthur..I was going to write an introuction of myself and my wonderful wife Maureen who died on 041411 ..but I can't do it today. The memories still too painful for me to recount without losing it. I just want all you to know I really appreciate the compassion shown to me when I responded to the ADD thread. I'll try to do this again later when the wounds are not so fresh.
i want to thank browneyedgirl and TInabeth for their compassion for my inability to introduce my wife Maureen who died on 041411. I really appreciate the sincerity of your support. So here is my introduction.

Hi everyone my name is Arthur, and I lost the love of my life for 14 years, Maureen, on april 14,2011.     Maureen was 56 years old when she died. For most of her life Maureen suffered with Spinal-Muscular Atrophy, a crippling disease of the nerves that had a childhood onset and progressed throughout the rest of her life. By the time Maureen died, she had alot of difficulty feeding herself, needed fulltime help in dressing and washing herself,and getting herself dressed. Maureen lived in a very expensive wheelchair as she lost the ability to walk many years ago. Maureen worked her whole life as a vocational rehab counselor for the state, a career she loved. Maureen helped mentally challenged people find and keep jobs. She loved it when she got a client a job. It was hard work for her with her disability, but it was one she loved. One of her clients was so grateful for her help that he composed and performed music for her and called it "A song for Maureen" which he put on a cd and gave to me at the funeral recepetion. 
     I was a husband,friend, and caregiver for Maureen for most of our marriage. In the days before her death I was particularly worried about Maureen as she was getting less and less sleep and her disability was exacerbated by exhaustion. Maurren was extremely intelligent and while I handled the menial chores of our life, she handled all our finances and taxes.  She was preparing a condensed list of our expemses for our 2010 taxes for our accountant, which was quite an accomplishment given our huge list of expenses, a fact I did not appreciate until her death.  I went to work on 041311 worried about her severe weakness . I remember saying to her, that someone besides the daily aide we hired for her bathroom needs should be with her all day. She refused, of course. Maurreen was an independent spirit.  I went to work and her aide came, helped Maureen, and left at 0315pm. According to him Maureen was fine when he left her and in good spirits.  I called her at 0445pm and got no response and left a message; I remember feeling uneasy by her not answering the phone, as she did most of the time, but I thought she was taking a nap from her exhaustion. When I got home at 7pm I found her slumped over in front of the fireplace, her eyes hald shut and glazed over, spittle coming out of her mouth. I tried very hard giving her mouth to mouth resusitation, but she was unresponsive to my efforts, and remained that way until her official death on 041411. I called 911, and they asked whether to resusitate ot not. I said yes, & they  got her heart pumping again but on a high degree of support. Maureen was unresponsive the entire time and I was told that she had heart trouble, and as the night wore on in the hospital intensive care unit and the tests came back one after another, the doctors told me that Maureen had had a massive heart attack and that if she ever recovered she would have severe brain damage.  Maureen's heart faded gradually  throughout the nite and she died early in the morning on 041411, but it was apparent from her lack of resposiveness the entire time that her brain was severely damaged or dead in the 3hr,45 min time span when the heart attack occurred between 0315p-7pm.
      So here I am, widowed and lost. If I could have died instead of her I would have given my life for hers. I would do anything to see her smile again.  Maureen loved dancing,  and she always said that when she died she would be dancing,  She is dancing now. God bless her!


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on April 27, 2011, 12:07:59 PM
Arthur ~  How heartbreaking, I am so sorry......she sounds like such a special lady.

Please take good care of yourself, and come back and let us know how you are doing. 

I know Maureen is dancing in Heaven for you.

Sending love and strength. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: johnkmurray on May 02, 2011, 09:45:41 AM
So here I am, widowed and lost. If I could have died instead of her I would have given my life for hers. I would do anything to see her smile again.  Maureen loved dancing,  and she always said that when she died she would be dancing,  She is dancing now. God bless her!

Amen brother.

John
Title: Introduction - Peter
Post by: Mandy on May 15, 2011, 09:44:41 AM
Hello

Just an introduction. Haven't had chance to look into site enough to see whether site is mainly US based, but grief & loss is universal, obviously, so hope you won't mind me here.

I lost my dear partner, Pete, 5 weeks ago to lung cancer. We were together approx one year, and our relationship I feel has been so devalued by his family (not his friends, who really knew him) for that reason.

He had been in remission for about 3 years and he was convinced he had beaten it, but the vile thing came back in his brain and spine in January, and elsewhere later. They tried to treat it, but...

Frankly, the story is still too painful for me to recount right now. Particularly the last week when we were together 24 hrs in the hospital. And as everyone here has suffered, I shouldn't think you need me to. So hard is so many things, but... he and I were everything to each other, everything. We didn't write things down, we had no idea we needed to (we had no idea it would be so horribly quick, Pete thought he had at least months...)

I'm sorry. I'm making such a ridiculously bad job of this introduction. I miss him so much. And feel that his family, who clearly never really knew him, are trampling all over our relationship. I'm sorry, this is so disjointed, I know. I just had to make contact...
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on May 15, 2011, 11:25:40 AM
Mandy,

I'm very sorry to read of Pete's death. Your Introduction is just fine and Thank You for sharing your story with us.

Welcome to our Webhealing family where others have also experienced devastating losses and are here sharing about them and struggling to learn how to live again without them in their lives.

I'm also sorry to hear of the family issues and resentments. They are all too common, unfortunately and so sad when it occurs.

Come back and tell us more about your precious Pete as you are comfortable doing so. Don't worry about being PC, that's not important here. Just know we care, very much and will be here for you.

Sending you a big hug ((((((((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Mandy on May 17, 2011, 12:47:04 PM
Thank you so much for your very kind welcome, Terry. I was in a particularly black place that night and your warm words of understanding meant a great deal. I am in England, happened on this site when looking up references to George Anderson (yes, I am considering a telephone session, although it would necessitate remortgaging my home... ok, not quite...). It was good to find somewhere where people can share their feelings and I hope it's ok for me to be here and interact with you all. It's weird. I have never felt this kind of alone, even though friends and family are about. I was walking around the supermarket tonight and it was so wrong. It's one of the last places we were together, and I could only feel - he should be here, he must be around the corner. Why are they here if he isn't? Why are the same things on the shelves? I'm sorry, I feel like I'm bleating on and feeling sorry for myself when you all have suffered at the very least as badly...
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on May 17, 2011, 02:21:00 PM
Your very welcome, Mandy. I'm happy to be here. I sure do understand being in a supermarket (anywhere, really) and wondering how everything could be continuing as normal when my world was shattered. It takes such a long time to become comfortable again among others. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself. Eat well...snack a lot. Drink plenty of water/fluids and try to do something physical. Rest as much as you are able to. It's so hard, I know.

I lived in Highgate and still have a dear friend that teaches at a Catholic School in Surrey....the scary mansion!! It really is a small world when we need one another so much. We seek others out who we hope can understand and we are closer than geography could ever bring us.

And, please don't ever feel that you are 'feeling sorry for yourself' because you are not. You are in pain over a great loss and you need to talk/share about it as much as you can. There is always someone here to listen. It is healthy to get all of these feelings out.

Thank you so much for your response and letting me know how you are doing.

((((((((((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry

Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on May 17, 2011, 04:46:17 PM
Mandy ~

Welcome to Webhealing....I am so very sorry for the loss of your Pete. 

You're doing just fine with your introductions and posts, after all, you have suffered a devestating loss. 

There are many people here who care and will listen to any feelings you would like to share. 

Feel free to start a new thread when you're ready if you wish. 

Sending love and light.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: chas on June 21, 2011, 04:47:53 PM
My name is Charles and I am grieving for the loss of my beloved wife Joan. We were married 41 years, have two children and three grandchildren.

Joan died at Brigham and Women's hospital on May 10, 2011 after a two year battle with lung cancer.

When she drew her last breath I wanted it to be mine as well. Fortunately, my children were there for us both and I knew I couldn't deprive them of their father so soon after losing their mother. I almost resent their interference in keeping me from following her but I love them too much to do so and I understand they're suffering her loss as well.

I know from reading some of the posts in this forum that I have a long, long way to travel and that I can expect a lot of company on that road.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on June 21, 2011, 05:13:13 PM

Hi Charles,

I'm so very sorry to hear of your precious Joan's death. And, I'd like to welcome you to our Webhealing family where others here understand and are always here to listen.
Yes, it is a long journey but the weight is lifted just a bit (and bit by bit and step by step is how we make it) by sharing it with others.

I'm glad to hear that you have the support and love of your children and grandchildren. They will be a comfort.

Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing your story and please come back, when you are comfortable doing so and tell us more about Joan. I'd love to know everything you want to share about her. I know she was so special and will remain so.

Know we care here, very much.

Sending lots of hugs and love,

((((((((((((((((((((((((Charles))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: SarahW on June 21, 2011, 06:18:18 PM
My name is Charles and I am grieving for the loss of my beloved wife Joan. We were married 41 years, have two children and three grandchildren.

Joan died at Brigham and Women's hospital on May 10, 2011 after a two year battle with lung cancer.

When she drew her last breath I wanted it to be mine as well. Fortunately, my children were there for us both and I knew I couldn't deprive them of their father so soon after losing their mother. I almost resent their interference in keeping me from following her but I love them too much to do so and I understand they're suffering her loss as well.

I know from reading some of the posts in this forum that I have a long, long way to travel and that I can expect a lot of company on that road.

Best wishes, Charles.

My sympathies for your loss.  It does help to share with those who understand what you are going through.  I'm sorry you have had to join us in this journey, but you are not alone.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Zylen on June 21, 2011, 10:35:10 PM
...
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on June 21, 2011, 11:53:34 PM

I'm so sorry, Kevin you have lost your wife and soul mate. So recent, you have my heart. Welcome to our Webhealing family.

All of your feelings are understandable right now as a devastating loss plays havoc with our hearts and our bodies. Try to take care of yourself, the best you can. I know it's not easy.

Please take everything one day at a time or even an hour at a time....whatever works for you. With your son leaving, I'm sure the days ahead will be rough and please know that we are here for you. Come on anytime to vent any of your feelings or to share about your precious wife. We will be listening.

Is there any way that you could take a leave of absence from work? I know that's not always possible.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. That is difficult to do in these early days/weeks.

Sending hugs, support and understanding,

((((((((((((((((((((Kevin))))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on June 22, 2011, 09:08:31 AM
My name is Charles and I am grieving for the loss of my beloved wife Joan. We were married 41 years, have two children and three grandchildren.

Joan died at Brigham and Women's hospital on May 10, 2011 after a two year battle with lung cancer.

When she drew her last breath I wanted it to be mine as well. Fortunately, my children were there for us both and I knew I couldn't deprive them of their father so soon after losing their mother. I almost resent their interference in keeping me from following her but I love them too much to do so and I understand they're suffering her loss as well.

I know from reading some of the posts in this forum that I have a long, long way to travel and that I can expect a lot of company on that road.

Dear Charles ~ I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife, Joan. 

Wecome to Webhealing.  I am sorry that you have to be here with us.  You will find many, loving, supportive people here. 

Please feel free to start a new thread telling us more about Joan if you wish.

Sending love and light.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on June 22, 2011, 09:10:56 AM
Hi to all,

My real name is Kevin and this is my first post here on this seemingly wonderful site.

On june 15th my wife for 16 years, who was also my soulmate and best friend, my everything, passed away unexpectedly.

She was diagnosed with invasive ductal breast cancer on the 24th of March. She then had a mastectomy in May. Last week on June 15th she went to have a port put in her chest so that they coud begin the chemotherapy. The surgery went well but on the way to the recovery room her heart stopped and they tried for 25 minutes to resuscitate her and failed. I was told over the phone by the fourth person I talked with of what happened.

We picked up her ashes today.

I don't know what to do.  Her happiness made me happy. Her smile to me was worth anything.

I don't know what else to say, as to me I've heard, seen, and felt the worst. I feel crushed, devastated, without reason to be here, and scared. The tears come unexpectedly.

My son flew in from Vancouver on Friday to help get things sorted out and he goes back home today. I have no family here and I need to return to work very soon.

It all happened so fast.

Dear Kevin ~

I am so very sorry for the sudden loss of your wife. 

Welcome, I am sorry you have to be here.  Post as often as you like, there is always someone to listen, you are never alone.

Please take care of yourself.

Sending love and light.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Zylen on June 22, 2011, 05:16:04 PM
...
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on June 22, 2011, 06:38:30 PM
Kevin,

I understand the roller-coaster of emotions we feel, especially in the very early days and weeks of grief. I am so sorry for your pain and please know that we understand and are here for you.

We care, very much.

You have my love and my support.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Betty00 on August 14, 2011, 02:27:42 PM
Hi my name is Betty. I lost my beloved husband one week ago today. He was my best friend and my soul mate.  In April he wasen't feeling well in June we found out that he had cancer all through his body. He was in the hospital for one week then went into Hospice. He passed on 8-7-11 the day after our 16th wedding anniversery. We were together almost 19 years and never had a fight. My family was here most of the week but now have all gone back to Pa. I really miss him. I can focuse during the day but bed time is the worst......

I'm so glad I found this site where I can talk about my feelings. Thank you all for listening.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on August 14, 2011, 02:45:54 PM

Hi Betty,

I am so deeply sorry to hear of the recent loss of your precious husband and thank you for sharing a little of your story with us. Welcome to our webhealing family where you will find a lot of understanding, support and also, love. We care, here very much.

It helps to write all of your feelings down. At this point, it has hardly been enough time to even believe that he is gone. You truly have my heart, Betty.

Hold on and know that someone is always here to listen. Day or night. Please take care of yourself. Resting if you can't sleep well and snacking if a regular meal is out of the question. Healthy snacks and plenty of water/fluids. And, lots of deep breaths.

Sending you a hug  (((((((Betty)))))))

You have my support and understanding,
Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Betty00 on August 15, 2011, 02:40:11 PM
Terry, Thank you so very much.......................It means a lot to me.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 15, 2011, 04:13:02 PM
Hi my name is Betty. I lost my beloved husband one week ago today. He was my best friend and my soul mate.  In April he wasen't feeling well in June we found out that he had cancer all through his body. He was in the hospital for one week then went into Hospice. He passed on 8-7-11 the day after our 16th wedding anniversery. We were together almost 19 years and never had a fight. My family was here most of the week but now have all gone back to Pa. I really miss him. I can focuse during the day but bed time is the worst......

I'm so glad I found this site where I can talk about my feelings. Thank you all for listening.

Hi Betty ~

Welcome to Webhealing, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband - and so sudden. 

You will find many wonderful, caring, understanding people here.  Someone is always here for you. 

Please feel free to start another thread telling us more about your husband if you like.

Sending love and light.   
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: TxDoug1952 on September 18, 2011, 02:40:57 PM
My precious wife of almost 29 years passed away on the 12th of July after a long twenty year battle with  Multiple Sclerosis.  I watched it cripple her body and mind and I watched her suufer such agony, that no one should ever have to endure.  She was in Hospice for the last year of her life and even they could not get her pain level down.  I had thought that I was preparing myself for her leaving this earth,  but once she left,  I found out that I was NOT anywhere close to being prepared.  I miss her so!   Every four hours I had to set the alarm to give her medicine.  She had to be fed and cleaned.  I am lost  ..    After she passed away I was so exhausted that after the funeral I got some much needed rest  ..  and busy taking care of the "have-to-dos."   Now two months later,  the reality that she is gone is so overwhelming.   We had a large circle of friends,  but because she was ill so long,  they all continued with their lives,  and while they called right after she passed  ..   the phone is silent now.   I fell so alone.  Money is tight, so that is its own seperate issue  ..   This is just a little of what is going on with me  ..  will post later.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on September 18, 2011, 02:56:18 PM

I'm so sorry you lost your precious wife. I don't think we're ever prepared. Not for that moment when the reality of never being able to see them again smacks us. It is stinging and doesn't go away for a long time. Know I understand.

Welcome to our Webhealing family where others here have also had great losses and are struggling to find their way. You'll find a lot of love and support here.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. And, when you're comfortable doing so, I look forward to hearing more about your precious wife.

Sending Hugs and Understanding,

((((((((TxDoug))))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on September 19, 2011, 09:34:18 AM
My precious wife of almost 29 years passed away on the 12th of July after a long twenty year battle with  Multiple Sclerosis.  I watched it cripple her body and mind and I watched her suufer such agony, that no one should ever have to endure.  She was in Hospice for the last year of her life and even they could not get her pain level down.  I had thought that I was preparing myself for her leaving this earth,  but once she left,  I found out that I was NOT anywhere close to being prepared.  I miss her so!   Every four hours I had to set the alarm to give her medicine.  She had to be fed and cleaned.  I am lost  ..    After she passed away I was so exhausted that after the funeral I got some much needed rest  ..  and busy taking care of the "have-to-dos."   Now two months later,  the reality that she is gone is so overwhelming.   We had a large circle of friends,  but because she was ill so long,  they all continued with their lives,  and while they called right after she passed  ..   the phone is silent now.   I fell so alone.  Money is tight, so that is its own seperate issue  ..   This is just a little of what is going on with me  ..  will post later.

Dear TxDoug1952 ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. 

Welcome to Webhealing - I am sorry you have to be here with us.  There are lots of people here who understand and care. 

Please come back soon and let us know how you're doing....please feel free to start a new thread if you like.

Sending love and light.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: gaberax on October 03, 2011, 06:16:12 AM
My name is Bob.  I lost my wife of 16 years on July 15, 2011 to Spindle Cell Sarcoma.  She was diagnosed in early April.  At first we thought she was having gall bladder issues.  But it was cancer in her liver.  A week after localized chemo, the cancer presented in her right lung.  They tried full chemo but she continued to weaken.  By July 15th, she was gone.  She was 57.

Devastated is the word I generally use but that definition is far too weak to truly describe how destroyed my life has been.  It was unexpected and swift.  I am grappling to come to terms with her loss and all the losses associated with her.  No aspect of my life has been untouched and at times I feel like I am drowning in it all.  My faith and belief systems have been put to the test.

I came to share some of the things I am doing to stay alive.  I have been attending two GriefShare classes at two different churches on a weekly basis.  I have been exercising (riding a bike after 40 years.)  I have incorporated some of the suggestions made at the GriefShare classes, like keeping a journal and writing a grief letter.

I am taking things day by day, hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.  I am looking to use any resource to get through this.  I don't expect to "get over" it but, hopefully, will find a way to live with it.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on October 03, 2011, 09:58:20 AM

Hi Bob,

Welcome! I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious wife, Denise. Thank You for sharing your story with us.

I'm glad to hear you're using all of the resources available to you. I also write in a journal, everyday. Have for years. I find it very helpful. The letters are also therapeutic.

Let us know more about your wife and how you are doing, when you are comfortable doing so. Know you are cared for here.

Sending hugs & my understanding,

(((((((Bob)))))))

My Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 03, 2011, 10:13:33 AM
My name is Bob.  I lost my wife of 16 years on July 15, 2011 to Spindle Cell Sarcoma.  She was diagnosed in early April.  At first we thought she was having gall bladder issues.  But it was cancer in her liver.  A week after localized chemo, the cancer presented in her right lung.  They tried full chemo but she continued to weaken.  By July 15th, she was gone.  She was 57.

Devastated is the word I generally use but that definition is far too weak to truly describe how destroyed my life has been.  It was unexpected and swift.  I am grappling to come to terms with her loss and all the losses associated with her.  No aspect of my life has been untouched and at times I feel like I am drowning in it all.  My faith and belief systems have been put to the test.

I came to share some of the things I am doing to stay alive.  I have been attending two GriefShare classes at two different churches on a weekly basis.  I have been exercising (riding a bike after 40 years.)  I have incorporated some of the suggestions made at the GriefShare classes, like keeping a journal and writing a grief letter.

I am taking things day by day, hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.  I am looking to use any resource to get through this.  I don't expect to "get over" it but, hopefully, will find a way to live with it.

Welcome Bob ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of Denise.  I think it's so admirable of you to want to help others, thank you. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Bee on November 01, 2011, 04:43:35 PM
Hello. I'm just trying to maintain at this point. I'm looking for people that have survived the horror of losing their partner in life. I know my story isn't the worst, others have gone through more. I just need to see for myself that it is possible to survive and carry on, somehow.
We were friends since highschool. We loved each other then, just never admitted it to each other. Went separate ways in life, but always remained tight friends. He had to have his babies. I had to have mine. He finally broke away from the dark one, saw that there was life to be had. He looked to me. I looked back. We came together as soulmates, lifemates at the end of this May. I'd never had so much fun, so much laughter, so much acceptance. I admit, I was scared of it a bit. I'd never been loved like that before. I dragged my feet, wanted my feelings to grow, not screw it up this time, not rush in. There were other plans. I got pregnant. We were scared, but so happy. He wanted me to have my girl. I had to stop my antidepressants, which I did willingly to keep the baby safe. The withdrawals, combined with my hormones, made me into an angry, sick, flippant being. I asked him for space. I needed to just be sick and green on the couch. I wanted him to have fun, not worry while I got through some of this. It scared him. He thought I didn't love him. He thought I was going to leave him. I told him I would never leave the most wonderful man I'd ever met and he didn't deserve my aggression. I felt just awful, crazy, unsure. Wanted to let my love for him grow, not have it forced. Saturday he had wine for breakfast. He came to see me at work. We laughed. He went to walk up the sidewalk to a bar for some lunch. He told me he loved me. I didn't say it back. I DIDN'T SAY IT BACK! I felt it, but I let my ego, my mixed up horrible emotions stop me from saying it back. He was riding his motorcycle. It was so nice out and he loved it so much. He basically built it from the ground up. It was beautiful. That night we were to visit friends. He texted me, "Would you be mad if I told you that I bike surfed tonight?" I replied, "Why would I be mad? Your death wish keeps me distant." He replied, "Taste death, Live Life." His careless remark sparked up my anger and shock even more. I replied, " F**ck Off." That was it. Minutes later, according to the police, he was in a one person motorcycle accident, September 17th, just before 8PM. The bike flipped. Instant stage 4 coma. Not one broken bone. Massive head trama. He damaged his entire brain. He died in the hospital nine days later, September 26th, 9:12PM. His brain had swelled so much that it finally severed his brainstem. I know he doesn't want me to feel this guilt, but if only I had told him how much he means to me THAT DAY, the week before, he wouldn't have been so flippant, so careless. I have the baby inside, 15 weeks pregnant Wednesday. I keep his love in my heart, keep the baby safe. To give up would be to dishonor him and our love. I need to speak with him somehow, tell him I'm sorry. I tell him all the time. I don't know how to earn my penance. Trying to be strong. Praying every day. Talk to his pictures everyday. I miss him. My older boys miss him. Our future is gone. How do you let it go? I will never let him leave my heart, but I know that I must let the hope for our future together go.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: gaberax on November 05, 2011, 03:54:38 PM
My name is Bob. I've been posting here for a while now but have never posted an introduction.  I have been keeping a private blog since September 20th of this year (Denise passed on July 15th) and will post the first entry.  It details the events as I remember them:

I have been prompted to start this blog in response to the death of my girlfriend/partner/wife/lover (she was never happy with any of those terms) Denise.  I usually say wife...because that's how it felt to me...and I suspect she felt that way too.  We had 16 great years together, full of every kind of thing life can dish up...good, bad, fun, tragic...everything.

Denise developed Spindle Cell Sarcoma.  She died July 15, 2011.  In April of 2011, I had noticed that her appetite had fallen off.  When we had breakfast or went to dinner she pushed her plate away after a bite or two. At first I thought she might trying to diet..we both were at the time.  But after a week or so, it started to worry me.  We discussed it and she assured me it wasn't a problem, she just felt full.

After a month, I began to seriously advise her that she needed to see a doctor.  She finally relented and we made an appointment with her GP the very next day.   By this time, Denise and I had concluded that it must be a gall bladder issue.  That ran in her family.  We discussed that possibility with the GP and she concurred.  We were set up to have an ultrasound of the gall bladder.

We went to the ultrasound.  I don't know what a usual amount of time is to get an ultrasound but it seemed like a long time that Denise was back there.  When she came out she said, "Well, something's wrong."  I asked why and she said the technician couldn't see her gall bladder and asked if she had had it removed previously.  Denise said no, she had not.  The tech went to discuss with one of her superiors and Denise said she was gone for quite a while.  When the tech returned, Denise said she was too perky...too happy.  The tech advised that Denise's GP would be getting back with the results.

The results didn't look good.  The reason the gall bladder was not seen was because the liver was blocking it. Denise's liver was extended far beyond normal size.  Her GP called for a biopsy of the liver and we went to Northwest hospital.  The biopsy came back as cancerous.

Denise took off from work on leave and I began working from home as much as possible.  Denise slept a lot of the time and I started taking over the household chores.

On the advise of the GP we met with an Oncologist at GBMC Hospital in Towson.  At that time a clear understanding of the type of cancer was not known, although skin, connective tissue and pancreatic were mentioned.  Denise's father had passed away from pancreatic cancer several years earlier.

I knew the diagnosis were not good but I didn't know how bad at the time.  I didn't do any research either and I don't now know why.  Maybe I didn't want to alarm Denise any more than she already was.  Maybe I didn't want to know.  But I didn't at the time.

At any rate, the Oncologist and his staff implied that we were facing a chronic condition. Something manageable. Something long-term.  At least that was what I took away from the initial consultations.

The decision to try and save as much of Denise's liver, where the cancer had presented but not, we were told, from where the cancer originated, was made.  A procedure to inject chemotherapy directly into one of the two halves of the liver would be done.  After a month, the second half of the liver would undergo the procedure.  And so it was done.

We went back home and our usual lives, although Denise was on leave and I was working from home to be with her.  After a week, however, it became clear that Denise was struggling to get up the stairs to get to the bedroom.  I would help her up and she would be gasping for air for 15 minutes afterwards.  I said that we needed to contact the doctor right away.  It was approaching Memorial Day weekend.

I woke up the next morning and Denise was not in bed. At first I wasn't too concerned but after a few minutes I thought I would try and find her.  I got up and when I couldn't find her in the master bath started to go downstairs.  I noticed the hallway bathroom light was on.  I opened the door and I could hear Denise weakly calling for help.  She was sitting in the tub.  She seemed confused, dazed and couldn't remember how long she had been there.  She was in such a weakened state that it took almost an hour to get her out of the tub.  I almost had to call 911.  Once she was out, I let her rest for a bit, then we went back to the hospital. It was Memorial Day weekend.

Denise was admitted.  Her right lung was filling up with fluid.  The weekend physicians contacted the Oncologist and it was determined that Denise's lung would be drained.  This was done and a liter and a half of fluid was drained from her lung.  After the holiday, we were told, a more permanent drain would be introduced.  Denise's lungs continued to fill with fluid and were drained that weekend.

That next week, I waited in the waiting room while the drain was being attached.  The surgeon took my cell phone number and advised that he would contact me when the surgery was complete.  When he called, he ended the conversation by saying, "while I was in there I scoped out her lungs.  There were too many cancer nodules to count."  I was devastated.

The next chance I had to speak to the Oncologist I asked him to step into the hall.  I told him that I needed to hear the words from him...Denise was dying, wasn't she. I advised him that no one other than me knew that Denise was as sick as she was.  She had not shared anything with any of her family.  I was afraid we would run out of time.  I needed advice on how to go forward. His response was very non-committal, saying that he wasn't God and that he couldn't tell who would or would not die.  To his credit, Denise was his patient, not me.  He told her only the things she asked of him, only what she determined she could handle...a practice I understand now is common with Oncologists.

Later, I had a conversation with Denise.  Her mental capacities were starting to show signs of fraying.  But she was still alert and responsive most of the time.  We talked about talking to her kids and family.  We stated making calls.

Meanwhile, the Oncologist advised that Denise undergo full chemotherapy.  That was arranged and treatment commenced.  Her son came to stay with her the day after chemo completed.  I had been in the hospital for days on end.  I took a break.  I went to a nearby trail and walked for two hours, one hour out and one hour back. My feet were covered in blisters.

When I returned to the hospital, I passed the one of the Oncologist's staff coming out of Denise's room. When I walked in, Denise was looking pale and frightened.  I asked her what was wrong.  She said, "They just told me I'm dying." She said her son had asked what stage of cancer his mother was at and the staff member blithely responded, "Stage 4. She's terminal."  She looked at Denise and said, "You knew that, right?"  Until that moment, no one had used the word terminal...it had all been "manageable, long-term, controllable."  Her son and I comforted her as best we could.

Denise started to develop chest pain. The unit she was on didn't have heart monitoring equipment so she was transferred to the ICU unit.  The second day she was there her younger son came to stay with her.  We were advised to leave at the end of visiting hours.  We went and had dinner, both of us exhausted.

I got a call from the ICU at midnight.  They advised that Denise's right lung was filling with fluid and would need draining (the chest plug having been removed earlier.)  I was groggy and asked if I needed to come in and was advised no.  At 2am I received another call telling me that chest drain had been re-installed.  Again, I said I would be right there but was advised that that was not necessary.  Finally, I receive a call at 4am.  Denise was on a respirator.  I woke her son and we went back to the hospital.

Denise was on the respirator most of that next day.  Her family, my family, friends...people floated in and out. The oncologist said that she would be removed from the respirator later in the afternoon.  Her oldest son and I went to the bank and retrieved her will and living will.

Denise drifted between consciousness and unconsciousness.  It was like she were standing behind a wall of fog, would step out for a while, then fade back behind the wall.  She wanted a DNR.  She was able to agree to that.  The oncologist finally came in and said there was nothing more medically that could be done.  The decision to transfer Denise to the hospice was made.  She worked at a local Nursing Home which had its own hospice unit.  I called and asked if Denise could come home.

She was on the hospice unit 3 days.  I brought in ambient music we listened to nightly as we went to sleep and played it, I brought in my guitar and played softly while she rested.  I brought our dog in, "My faithful dog," she said.  All during her sickness at home, our dog had lain with her on the bed and at her feet.  For that last month, the dog was with my parents.

I sat with her for 3 days and nights.  Holding her hand, telling her how much I loved her, trying to comfort her, telling her it was okay for her to go.  Family, friends and acquaintances stopped by on the second full day she was there.  She was conscience most of the time. She was able to talk with everyone and say goodbye.

Finally, on the third day, the hospice staff advised that we try to limit the number of visitors in the room at one time.  My ex-wife and daughter, who had flown in from college in Chicago, stopped by with coffee for me.  My daughter visited with Denise briefly.  Denise was able to open her eyes and smile at my daughter.  They left and Denise's youngest sister stopped by to spell me.

I left the room and went down the hall.  As I was returning, from the far end of the hall I saw her sister re-enter the room.  My phone started to buzz and when I flipped it open it was her sister...."Come quick, she's going.." was what I remember.  I ran down the hall and into the room.  Denise's sister was on her knees by the bed.  Denise was not breathing.  Her sister started to explain that her husband had called and she stepped out of the room to tell him she would talk to him later.  When she walked back in Denise had slipped away.

As she was explaining this...and I was standing in the whirlwind...Denise, who had not taken a breath in at least two minutes, propped up a bit on the bed, she said, in a voice stronger and clearer than it had been in days, "Yes,  yes, I can see it.  Yes, it's over there, okay, I'm going."  She laid down and nothing more.

And she was gone.

And that is how it was, Friday, July 15, 2011 at 11:11am.  My beloved wife...my best friend...the love of my life...passed away.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on November 07, 2011, 12:37:09 PM
((((((Bob))))))))

(((((((Bee)))))))
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: DebbieThompson on November 16, 2011, 05:38:27 PM
Hi my name Debbie...I lost my husband two and half weeks ago to cancer..he passed on our 30th anniversary..he was a special man..till the end he always thought  about and worried about me...I am lost with out him..He was the one with the good head on his shoulders..he was the one that always had an answer for my stupid questions that  I would ask..I really really miss him..Debbie
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on November 17, 2011, 08:45:15 AM
((((Debbie)))
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Jacquie on November 21, 2011, 11:55:05 PM
Hello.  My name is Jacquie.  I lost my husband of 30 years on October 8, 2011.  He went into the hospital on Sept. 19th and never left.  We found out he had pancreatic cancer and an aorta anurism.  He did pass from the cancer.  I was with him when he passed.  I feel grief but I also feel relief.  Sometimes I feel guilty for not griefing.  Am I griefing, I don't know.  I cried at the hospital when he passed and have had some sad moments, but I don't feel a dark deep grief.  I loved him and he loved me and we did have a talk before he passed.  After 20 days in the hospital and watching him give up I suppose is why I feel more relieved then grief.  He is no longer in pain and God let us both go home. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on November 22, 2011, 12:18:36 AM

(((Jacquie)))

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Being so recent, you haven't had the time to process everything. I can understand feeling relief as I felt the same when my husband, who had been very sick, died.  He was happy to be going home.
 
Welcome to webhealing and thank you for sharing your loss with us. Our grief is unique, as we are. Whatever you're feeling is ok. Take care of yourself right now as grief can zap our immune systems even though we may feel we are doing alright. One day at a time and come back and tell us more about your husband when you're comfortable doing so. There's always someone here to listen with an open heart.

Know we care, here very much.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on November 22, 2011, 02:16:47 PM
Hello.  My name is Jacquie.  I lost my husband of 30 years on October 8, 2011.  He went into the hospital on Sept. 19th and never left.  We found out he had pancreatic cancer and an aorta anurism.  He did pass from the cancer.  I was with him when he passed.  I feel grief but I also feel relief.  Sometimes I feel guilty for not griefing.  Am I griefing, I don't know.  I cried at the hospital when he passed and have had some sad moments, but I don't feel a dark deep grief.  I loved him and he loved me and we did have a talk before he passed.  After 20 days in the hospital and watching him give up I suppose is why I feel more relieved then grief.  He is no longer in pain and God let us both go home. 

Dear Jacquie ~
I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.  Welcome to Webhealing
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Rodney on September 30, 2012, 09:18:11 PM
Hello I'm not sure where or how to start yet here it goes. My best friend/soulmate/ love of my life & yes my wife died on March 6th this year of liver failure, she was sick for two years and I of course was her primary care giver as the health profession called me which I found funny in a way for what else was I gonna do let some stranger take care of her...no way...she was my baby...my love! I have been dealing with the pain on my own and having lost everything, home, friends, family, truck,...everything I own can fit in two bags now...it's a long nasty story...aint it odd how people deal with grief sometimes.
This is the second wife I have buried and some how I feel cursed yet some call it a blessing, and yes there have been those along the way yet the pain I feel every waking moment and even when I do sleep feels as if someone ripped half my soul from me, and I would give anything...anything to have Jennifer back! All the stuff I lost material wise is nothing...means nothing at all. She was 48 when she passed and the 23rd of September was her birthday and it has been so so hard. Most days are just a suffering through until night comes then I lay and talk to her until I fall asleep yet most the time wake from bad dreams only to fear sleeping and wait for the sun to come up to suffer another day without her hand to hold in mine which I miss so much they were so soft.
Sorry to go on like this like I said I haven't had anyone to really talk to about this and the shrinks have given up on me as have the Priest & that feeling has been kinda mutual...(no offense to anyone). I miss her so much!
My heart goes out to all here for their loss & pain. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on September 30, 2012, 10:11:18 PM

((((Rodney))))

I'm so sorry you're having to live without Jennifer and thank you for sharing your story with us and, also a little about what's been going on in your life.

Welcome to our webhealing family - I'm glad you found us. There is always someone here to listen with an open heart, to cry with you, smile with you and send some hugs. Grieving a loss is a very long journey and it helps to know that others are there for you with understanding and support as we travel on the road toward healing our hearts the best we can.

Feel free to post on the Spouse Loss board.

Love,
Terry

Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 01, 2012, 09:12:53 AM
Welcome Rodney...I am so very sorry for the loss of Jennfier.  You have come to the right place, there are many loving people here who care and understand, you will see as the come forward to greet you.  I am sorry you have to be here with us. 

Feel free to start a new thread and tell us more about Jennifer if you like.

lots of love.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: jbryant on October 01, 2012, 10:48:41 PM
Hi and welcome the people here arÍte most caring I've have found Iam so sorry for the loss of your Jennifer I lost my Doyle on aug 5 I still am in a fog after 35yrs so hopefully we can learn from everyone we are here for you
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: alwayshopefull2009 on July 03, 2013, 03:37:42 AM
My wife passed away suddenly 4 weeks ago from prescription overdose.  I miss and think of her almost all day every day, I dont fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and only sleep till 8 am.  I find myself walking around the house all day long in and out, moving things around trying to pick up the house.  I am scared to hear that things may get worst for me in the months to come.  After I cry for a while or try to do some work or tend to her garden I come back in and feel like maybe I will make it through this, but then I read of others experience months later and how they are hit with all those feeling and then some. 
We were together for nearly 23 years, she passed away 1 week before our anniversary.  Did i mention when she od and I was not sure, I could have called 911 sooner than I did and she would be here today most likely, this thought crosses my mind often throughout the day, especially when I go to the kitchen where she finally collapsed.  Sometimes as I drive to the store to buy food, I think of what if I just went off the road. 
death no longer seems to be such a stranger to me now, in fact since i am in my 50's already, I even think sometimes come get me, I am not afraid of you anymore, in fact I don't think I care.  Its ok.  but i have 2 younger kids and they still need at least 1 parent and so for now i feel i need to be there for them. 
I have been reading so many posts and websites over the past 2 weeks, and read so many people who have died, i was never so aware of so much death.  Im afraid of other things too, like a life alone, I miss snuggling with her at night, lying by her side, talking with her about the day, the kids, what we are going to do about this or that, all i have now is to look at any empty space on the other side of my bed. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: LivingtoLove on April 14, 2014, 04:54:13 PM
My name is Nathan and I am 30 years old.  I lost my wife just over a week ago on April 4, 2014 at the age of 29.  June 11th would have been 8 years of marriage.  She battled cancer in one form or another for most of the last 4 years.  Her body was so beat up by the chemo that each round landed her in the hospital with some sort of infection.  Then on March 28, 2014 we were sent home from the hospital for the last time with hospice care. We were told she had 4-8 weeks left.  We scheduled flights for family that are spread all over the country to come and visit through the month of April.  One week later and she was gone.  This has actually been a blessing because I know that she is no longer suffering but in heaven with Jesus.  While that makes all of this a bit easier, I still miss her like crazy and it hurts real bad.

This is just a brief summary of the story.  Anyone that wants to read/watch more of it are welcome to check out the blog my wife started when she was diagnosed with the cancer.  She was an absolute joy to be around and I plan on continuing the blog in her honor.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on April 15, 2014, 06:11:48 PM
Nathan,

I am so sorry for what you and your wife have had to go through.  I'm glad that you have been comforted by your faith in Christ.
It is very painful to lose a mate.  My husband died from cancer too, so I know it's hard.  It's very soon for you and your healing will be a process that takes time.  People are here for you.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on April 19, 2014, 01:56:52 PM
My name is Nathan and I am 30 years old.  I lost my wife just over a week ago on April 4, 2014 at the age of 29.  June 11th would have been 8 years of marriage.  She battled cancer in one form or another for most of the last 4 years.  Her body was so beat up by the chemo that each round landed her in the hospital with some sort of infection.  Then on March 28, 2014 we were sent home from the hospital for the last time with hospice care. We were told she had 4-8 weeks left.  We scheduled flights for family that are spread all over the country to come and visit through the month of April.  One week later and she was gone.  This has actually been a blessing because I know that she is no longer suffering but in heaven with Jesus.  While that makes all of this a bit easier, I still miss her like crazy and it hurts real bad.

This is just a brief summary of the story.  Anyone that wants to read/watch more of it are welcome to check out the blog my wife started when she was diagnosed with the cancer.  She was an absolute joy to be around and I plan on continuing the blog in her honor.

((((((((Nathan)))))))) :love9:

I'm so very sorry for the recent death of your precious wife. Welcome to Webhealing. I'm glad you found our website and I hope you'll take advantage of the freedom to post all of your feelings here without judgement. There is only kindness and understanding here. It helps to post as often as you are comfortable. We all understand what it is like to lose a part of ourselves.

Love & Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: funlearningmother on May 30, 2014, 07:36:11 AM
I had trouble figuring out how to do this so I made a new topic accidentally. This is my story of part of my life and my pain.
In a nutshell. The last 5 years went from bad to worse and I am now in limbo. In 2009-2010 my counselor betrayed me. In 2011 I lost my kids to their dad. I felt unsupported and to weak to fight for them so I went 3000 miles away literally to my then boyfriend. We planned on getting married so I had all my stuff moved by movers and put in storage.
May 15 2012 my now fiance died in a car accident. It was 1 am and I had been driving because he was drunk. He started calling me names and I got out of the car to calm down and he got in the drivers seat and waited for me to get in. I was too angry so I closed the car door and he took off. We were in upstate NY backwoods, he lost control about a block or 2 away from me in length. I didn't think it was that bad. All the damage was internal and I didn't know... I shook him... I am so much smarter then that. He died of a cranial fracture was the cause of death and when I called the doctor later (and they didn't want to talk to me because I was just his fiance) he said that there was so much internal bleeding that it wouldn't have made a difference if they had been faster or not. I had to walk to the house to get my cell phone to call for help and I was scared so I called a friend of his first who said he couldn't get him out of the car it was too bad of an angle so then I called for help. There is a lot more to the story and if I piss anyone off I really hope they will think twice before judging me.
Right after the funeral I found out that most of his family didn't like me or want me around. Thought I was out for his money which was a big joke because he had none. No insurance and no will and because I was a fiance I was third or forth in line for any of his stuff although his father said I could take what I wanted of his stuff.
To get through all that pain without killing myself I got myself another boyfriend he gave me something to live for. He convinced me to come back to my kids. End of November 2012 I made it back here to my kids but had no money or place to live so started out on the streets. My first time doing that and not an experience that I care to repeat although I did learn a lot from that.
Finally got a place and was able to get my stuff out of storage and got another big blow. The movers didn't pack about a quarter of my stuff.
My kids and boyfriend are what keep me going, that's it. I lost my faith in the human race and feel like I have nothing substantial to stand on. No one can help me out from this hell I am in. I carry such a lot of anger for others and for myself. I still miss my fiance a whole ton and wish he were here. He could be such a jerk and yet he had so many good qualities.
I don't know what to do with myself. I can't go back and yet I have nothing to move forward to. When my kids are grown and gone then what?
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Bren777 on August 21, 2015, 07:21:12 PM
I'm not finding a place to introduce myself. Can someone direct me, please?
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Bren777 on August 21, 2015, 09:10:06 PM
My name is Brenda. I searched for a group like this to tell my story and learn of others. My boyfriend of 2.5 years went to the other side three weeks ago today. It was completely unexpected. Still don't know cause of death. We had just gone out dancing, playing pool, etc. We came back to my house to turn in and I was making coffee for the next morning. When out of the blue, I hear him say, "I'll see you later." I never even turned around to look at him or ask him why he was leaving. I just assumed that I'd hurt his feelings somehow earlier while we were out. We didn't even hug, kiss, look at each other...nothing. That was not the norm!!! Next morning I texted him and no answer. I felt something strange and just got in my car and drove to his place. Found him dead on his bed. Cold as ice. Blue abd turning more blue. I called 911. But they said he'd been dead for at least 8 hours. That means he barely had time to get to his place from mine before he died. I feel lost and don't really want to be here. He did visit me in my sleep the night of his funeral. I thank God for that visit and can never forget it. He took me by my hand and showed me different areas of heaven where he is. It was indescribable! !!! He also showed me our dwelling. We have horses and three dogs. He wAS smiling and telling me how we can step into any of these beautiful places anytime we want. So, I know where he is and what's waiting for me. Oh, there was one other thing. There was nothing....nothing about sexuality. We were like innocent children who knew nothing about sex. Yet we were in love as deeply as always. I just want to be there. I don't want to go on day after dreadful day waiting and waiting. My toy Yorkie, Deucy has been with me 10 years. I'm his mommy. He doesn't know anyone else. I stay for him and wait.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on August 22, 2015, 03:24:04 PM

Hi Brenda - I'm so sorry for your loss. His death is so recent so please try to take care of yourself right now. Eat healthy snacks, get plenty of rest (even if you can't sleep), drink lots of water (stay hydrated) and try to get some exercise...walking is great.

Start a *New Topic* and that post will show up below with the others and you'll get to meet everyone on Spouse loss. They are all very supportive.

I'm glad you have Deucy. My dogs have saved me through all of my losses - their sweetness and their unconditional love.

Welcome to Webhealing. Post anytime, day or night - someone is always reading and responding.

Sending hugs. :love9:
Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: LauraN on July 05, 2016, 05:19:25 PM
Hi, my name is Laura,and I am new here. I lost my husband to prostate cancer which had spread to his liver. I had know him for 14 years,but only been married to him for 7 months. He and I fought this demon for 12 years. We tried everything possible. There were many Doctors visits,surgeries,chemo,radiation,blood transfusions ect. It may sound strange,but since he died I am not able to get rid of any of his things. He was in hospice at our home for 2 weeks before he died. Leading up to his death he had a bleeding episode,and I was alone with him. This was frighting,but I did manage to get the bleeding to stop after about 15 minutes. He died the next evening,and I keep replaying all the details in my mind. I am coping,but have no appetite. We would always eat together. Hospice didn't help me much. My family and I are upset about that.He died May 19th and already some people think I should get on with my life. Losing a partner is one of lifes most difficult and painful experiences. There are so many things we will never get to do together. i am numb. Life just continues on,and it is difficult for me to move with it.I feel I have one foot in the past with him and our memories,and one foot in the present trying to live without him. This is not my first loss. Both my father and mother are dead. I am coming to realize that death is part of life,and that we all must face it at sometime in our lives. When it arrives it is my worst nightmare come true. It takes away the joy of living,and every day just becomes about survival. it helps to be with people who understand what it is like. The pain is to powerful for me to deal with it alone. How do others here feel about death?
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on July 11, 2016, 07:23:37 PM

Hi Laura,

I'm so sorry to read of your husband's death. It takes a lot of time and patience with ourselves after a loss as we're moving forward without them and the memory of them is what fills our hearts and brings us joy. I agree with you that life is never the same after a great loss. We learn to live with it, somehow.

Welcome to Webhealing. There are many members who can relate to how you're feeling. Start a new post down below where the members can see it and read it. There is a lot of support on these boards.

Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: paul.1 on July 14, 2016, 01:09:20 PM
Hi to the site..... I am not the sort of man to talk about my feelings but here we go.

My name is Paul age 48 years old I sadly lost my Rock 5 weeks ago 7th June with a sudden heart attack  she was only 49 bless her we had been together since we was 14 years of age.

Now I am totally lost as I lost my Mother 10 years ago and she was there for me all the time when I was down now I have no one to talk to or lean on at this bad time.

sadly no one really talks in my family since my Mother passed away.  So I cant talk to them as they would gloat over my pain I am going through I hope some one out there will understand what I mean.


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on July 14, 2016, 07:38:18 PM

Hi Paul,

I'm very sorry to read that the love of your life has recently died. Welcome to Webhealing where others understand and can relate to having to live without their significant other.
Take care of yourself the best you can with eating healthy snacks, drinking plenty of water, getting exercise (even walking a few minutes everyday outside is good) and resting even if you can't sleep. Grieving takes a lot out of us and really does zap our energy levels.

Post anytime. Someone is always reading.

Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: paul.1 on July 15, 2016, 04:32:30 AM
Thank you Terry for your reply and the kind words. But its the emptiness feeling lonely and much more my heads battered. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: LauraN on July 19, 2016, 03:08:09 PM
Hi Paul,

I am new here also. So sorry to hear that you lost the love of your life. I understand completely because I did also on May19th. Grief is extremely hard to go through and almost impossible to do alone. I like you have been knocked off my feet,and feel my whole world has changed. I have been in shock for the last two months,and life felt unreal even as I was going through the motions of living it. What has kept me sane has been friends and family.  Joy has been practically absent in my life,but I know I must search for a way through this grief. Love will never leave your heart for your beloved,but gradually you will begin to move on without her. Life can be very cruel,and unfair. This I find hard to accept. It helps to let your grief out in what ever way you can. I write poetry and keep expressing my feelings through journaling. For me death brings up lots of soul searching. Death is a part of life,a very difficult and hurting part for those of us left behind. We can come out of grief a changed person,hopefully for the better. I have found on You Tube some powerful presentations on Death and Grief you might trying watching them. They are Ted Talks. Good luck,and safe passage as you travel the road through your grieving.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: girlnamedbillie on August 08, 2016, 01:44:47 PM
My name is Billie, and I'm a 28 year old widowed mother of 2 young children. We lost my husband on August 19,2015 and it was sudden.

My husband had medically retired from the Army June 7, 2015 after 12+ years of service. We were beginning our new life together without the Army's hold on my husband. We were terrified, anxious, and excited. We were married July 2, 2007 and I had been waiting for his retirement our entire relationship. I hated the lifestyle, I hated that he was put in danger during deployments, I worried my children would lose their father. But I still supported him every step of the way. It was his dream. 

My husband had been feeling ill and the VA neglected to get him an appointment. A week later my husband passed. It was a very traumatic experience. His flu-like symptoms had gotten worse so I was hurrying trying to get the kids ready for school so I could get him to the ER. Then he collapsed. I called 911 and I performed chest compressions until the ambulance arrived. I screamed for help and a neighbor came over to care for my children. I called my mother in law to let her know what was happening. She's a nurse, so she was going over the procedure with the paramedics to ensure they were doing everything they could. He was gone. I screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed. There are still times I scream.

Autopsy stated that he passed due to an untreated pulmonary embolism. He was gone the moment he collapsed and had he been given treatment when he originally sought it, he'd still be with us. I'm dealing with a lot of anger towards the VA and I don't know that I'll ever be able to forgive them. I find this to be unforgivable. I know most people say that forgiveness is for you, not them. But I can not give forgiveness. My 7 & 5 year olds have been left without their father and I lost the love of my life. My mother in law should have never had to go through this. His siblings should not have lost their older brother. All those years in service I spent worrying about my husband not coming home. I thought the danger was over. Then he's gone. 

I do what I have to in order to care for my children and pets. I moved to my mother in law's town and bought a home. She's not only been like a mother to me since my own mother passed, but I believe that she needs to be with my kids and vice versa. She's strong. So strong. There's no way I could do this without her. She's given me so much strength and I'm fighting to want to have a life. Not suicidal by any means, I'm fighting for motivation to live this life instead of just existing. I've lost family relationships because they don't understand. They expect me to just start over with a new relationship and forget the loss of my husband. All except for my brother. We've never had much of a relationship before. Something seems to have clicked between us. He's been there for me and hasn't tried to make me feel wrong. He's also the buffer for the rest of my family when they try to act as though I'm wrong for grieving.

I always have so much to say when it comes to opening my heart. Letting everything out is part of my process. I always feel as though I'm leaving something out and I can't even tell you how long I've sat here contemplating whether I should post this or not. The anniversary of his death is approaching and I have a lot to say. Otherwise it makes it harder to handle the grieving. Letting it out is a breath of fresh air. A weight lifted. Thank you for taking the time to read.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: cmayes on September 16, 2016, 09:33:11 AM
I'm new to this site, so not sure what to expect.  I'm here for two reasons.  One is personal the other is to help seniors deal with the loss of spouse.  I am an administrator for a senior center in Ohio and any information that I can use to help my seniors cope with the loss of a spouse is greatly appreciated. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: gbmulligan on October 15, 2016, 05:50:02 AM
Hello Donna I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can tell on the site get there are a lot of good listeners. I only posted on the site once before but I do not really know what I was doing. Hopefully I got it right this time. I lost my helpmate almost 8 in a half years ago. She was the love of my life. Walking these almost 8 1/2 years without her has been so lonely and painful at times but it has changed over the years. Perhaps I've just gotten used to being alone. But I have found comfort in other things to. I just took a memorial fall walk that my wife and I used to do every year in the past few weeks I've given away the bulk of her clothing it took me a long time to do that. Slow healing. My wife Gail would always say I perseverate on things. Where she was so easily able to let things go. I wish she had not let me go . I pray for peace for you Donna and comfort in times of your sorrow and grief. Companions I know so well. But I have found some healing with time and my faith.I sense there are good listeners on the site. I hope you will take more advantage of that as I am hoping that I do  too. Sometimes that's all we need is for people to listen to us without judging. Yours Gerry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mjlasa on October 28, 2016, 06:56:10 AM
Hello
My name is Michael. Im not sure if I'm doing this right. My wife Roxanne died Oct 9 after a long illness. I miss her terribly. I took care of her along with her sister for many years. Now I have no job. She was the toughest person i've ever known. She was my hero. Im not handling this well at all. Very scared. Very alone.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Beebs on October 29, 2016, 09:42:58 AM
I'm not really sure what to say. I lost my fiancť October 12th and it's been the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mjlasa on October 29, 2016, 12:14:23 PM
Beebs
As far as I can tell ( and i have no idea on how to use these threads etc) there is nothing that you have to say or not say. You lost your fiance three days after I lost my wife. You are suffering as we all are. We offer our love.
Michael
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Soledad on December 12, 2016, 08:20:09 AM
I am new here. I lost my spouse of 40 years in October. Mine is a complicated grief. I found out during the days of his wake and funeral that at the time of his passing, he was having an affair. I can not put into words how devastating this was and is. I am a Christian and God is holding me up, otherwise I would be in a million pieces. I Loved my husband and I am trying every day to forgive him for how he broke my heart. Death alone is terrible grief but the knowledge of his betrayal haunts my days, to a degree.

Some of my days are very difficult.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 14, 2016, 04:55:37 PM

((((Soledad))))

I'm sorry for your great loss. It's understandable that you were devastated, shocked and probably feeling other emotions besides those associated with the loss of life. Welcome to Webhealing.

Try to take a day at a time and care for yourself the best you can by eating healthy, resting, drinking plenty of water and taking a walk every day. All of these help when we're grieving.

We're here for you.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Soledad on December 17, 2016, 11:10:52 AM
Thank you, Terry. In my complicated grief, I have found that there are some articles but very few books that address the subject of dealing with infidelity in conjunction with grieving. I'm considering writing a book. My background is medical, but English was always a strong subject for me.

I found very little on this website regarding the subject as well.

I appreciate your reply. Looking forward to participating here as much as possible.

Best,
Soledad
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Julie Marie on January 19, 2017, 01:29:59 PM
Hi. My name is Julie Marie. I lost my husband on Nov 16, 2016.   We were in the process of selling our house and had a closing date and were moving to NC (all our stuff was down in storage) My son and his wife also live in NC.  I was going to find a little job and David was going to take it easy and enjoy life.  He died from Pancreatitus. We had gone out to dinner on a Sunday evening.. he complained of a belly ache and we figured it was from too much fried food... well the next day it didnt go away. He was admitted to ICU with sever Pancreatitus. ( no gall stones and didnt drink but an occassional beer after mowing the lawn)  33 days in ICU he passed away.  I have been on the minute by minute/hour by hour rollar coaster of grief like everyone else.  I would do anything for my husband and I certainly would not have wantted him to suffer so if I have to go through this for him.. then thats what I have to do.  I drove the 899 miles to NC and am now staying at my son's house.  I am grateful for this website.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Soledad on January 19, 2017, 02:24:43 PM
Hi Julie Marie,
     I am sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences. I know what you mean about the roller coaster. I hope for Peace for you. My husband died October 4th suddenly after a heart attack. He was a heart patient but was not sick that day except for a chest cold. He fly fished with my oldest Son, all day and after returning home in the late afternoon, said his back hurt. He went to lie down and by 7:40 he called to me. I called EMS, gave him CPR and he became conscious long enough to tell my son and I that he loved us. He said he knew he was dying. After leaving in the ambulance we never spoke to him again. He arrested in the ER before we arrived. They brought him back. On the third code I told them to stop. I am a nurse and I could see it was futile.
     I am doing a little better now. I have lots of support from family and friends and a prayer group.
I think it's good that you are with your Son. I'm sure that brings you comfort. Everyone is grieving, and so is your Son so I am sure it's difficult. These conversations here help. I'm hope you will come back and post again!

Soledad
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Tom on January 19, 2017, 03:15:46 PM
Hi Soledad and Julie -  Good to see you here and I wish things were a bit busier.   The traffic here comes and goes and is hard to predict.

There is no substitute for an ally in grief who is going through something similar and you both seem to have had some commonalities in your situations.  The sudden and unexpected nature of your losses are a huge factor that complicates the process of grieving.  Basically, it means that it takes a while longer to fully believe the loss has happened.  It's a tough time.

I will be checking in from time to time and I think Terry should be around. 

Blessings.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on January 20, 2017, 06:36:17 PM

Hi Julie Marie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing.

You're so right that when grieving it's one minute, second at a time. It's not easy but it's important to care for your physical health the best you can as grieving zaps our immune systems. Try to walk every day away from your home.

And posting helps, a lot. There are many members on Spouse Loss as you'll find as you post below.

We're here for you.

Sending hugs & love,

((((((Julie Marie)))))

Hugs,
Terry


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on April 07, 2017, 04:46:12 PM
Hi not exactly sure where to start but lost my wife Gina around 3 weeks ago. I'm 55 and she was 54. This was a 2nd marriage for both of us and this coming June would have been 8 years. Both of us are disabled and hers was due to a ventral hernia. Before she met me she had been through 10 surgeries to correct the hernia but they were never successful. She probably would not have survived and 11th attempt so she was always in pain. In April of 2015 she had knee replacement surgery. Some how or another while she was in the hospital one evening after being with her all day I left to go home and come back the following day. When I left things were fine she was progressing well with the new knee. Next morning I came into her room and they had ODed her. Her head was tilted to one side and she was unresponsive. TwoToez her service dog was trying to to get her to respond. Dr overheard me from the hall and came in to asses the situation and called for nurses to administer Narcon. She came around and was still groggy but at least we knew we got there in time and she would survive. She drifted in and out of sleep and I stayed by her side. She didn't move much because of her sleeping then but her pulmonary came in as part of his rounds and I woke Gina up and he checked her out. While checking her he asked her to take her right hand and squeeze two or three of his fingers and she could not move her arm. They started a battery of tests and it turned out she had gotten bracial plexis. That's when the nerves that go from the spinal column to the arm get damaged right at the spinal column. It was obviously clear something happened after I had left the day before. They either tried to move her maybe tug on her arm to strengthen her in bed something but no one would give us any definite answers. They tried to claim she slept on it wrong or did it in her sleep. I wasn't buying that excuse. She was sleeping the way she normally does at home. Proving it is a different issue altogether. Needless to say we closed our small charity and nonprofit helping the disabled because she could no longer use sign language and it crushed her she couldn't draw either. Took a year before she was able to at least move the arm a few months after that she was able to use her hand somewhat but her arm was never the same.  During that time I helped care for her even though I myself am disabled too. I was still rehabbing the house as I could and I made sure she got the kitchen she wanted. She loved it. To this day there are still areas of the house I am working on. Needless to say the last couple of months I watched her deteriorate and I knew her pain was getting worse. At times I felt helpless but I would still try to help and be with her but she didn't want to see anymore doctors. She had missed Sarge our first service dog as he passed last August. One of these times maybe I'll tell you about Sarge and his pups. His pups went out to be service dogs as well. Gina and I kept two of the pups, one for her and one for me to be a replacement for Sarge when it was his time to retire. Sarge's one daughter Tunnie remained with us as well so we had her trained too. Anyway we had Sarge cremated when he died and his ashes and saddle bags she kept on a stand by her dresser for us to remember him. In the wee hours in the morning of March16th I was at my desk on the computer and she came in around 2:30 am complaining of a tooth ache and sat at her desk which is right next to mine. I asked when she had her last pain med and she said it had been about 6 hours so I told her to take another one but hold it on her cracked tooth for a min or two before swallowing it and I reminded her enough time had lapsed we could put a new pain patch on as well. So we did all that and she played a video on her computer to distract her while the meds kicked in. We were just trying to get her to hold on til the morning when dentists offices are open. It got to be around 3:00 am and she got up kissed me on the cheek and said she was going back to bed and walked across the hall to the bed room. I told her I wouldn't be much longer and continued what I was doing. Just before 4:00 am I shut my computer down and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I went into the bedroom and she wasn't laying in bed. I looked and she was on the floor. I went to help her up but she was already gone. ice cold, no breathing no pulse and then I hugged her called 911. I  began to cry and rock her while waiting for help and they arrived in about 4 minutes. At the time it felt like hours. They determined she had a heart attack At first I thought maybe accidental over dose but no, Her meds and how they were taken hadn't changed in years and she didn't abuse them. In hind sight one thing I do not understand is how a 220 pound woman falls on a wooden floor and not make a sound. Our 3 dogs are service dogs and they are trained to alert and get help if one of us falls and help out.........Two toez was the closest to her about 5 ft away from her, Tunnie was just outside the bedroom door in eyesight of Gina, Sox my dog was by me about 10 ft from the bedroom door. I didn't hear anything and none of the dogs so much as flinched or even made a reflexive look in Gina's like hearing a a bump in her direction at anytime. I have two regrets one being Gina didn't get to see the house complete and the other is she loved to watch me play guitar and keyboard and for Christmas 2014 she bought me a new guitar. I played it for a week or two then put it away until the new office was finished and had the room and we didn't have to worry about dust. The new office and half bath in the basement is what I started working on the week she died. I've moped around a bit as it's hard to get motivated to get started however I have dug out that guitar and have made it a point to learn the song she sang to me on our wedding day "I will be here" by Steven Curtis Chapman because I know and feel she is still near.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Soledad on April 10, 2017, 04:47:27 AM
JUSTMARK,

     I am so sorry to read of the loss of your dear wife. I hope you can find healing and peace at such a difficult time. There are times that you may feel her presence near. I pray you will find comfort in those times. Please take care of yourself. I hope you have a support system. Many prayers for you in your days ahead.

Soledad
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on April 10, 2017, 08:12:56 PM
Thank you Soledad, I am finding moments of peace and other times sorrow and reflect on happier times with Gina. My mom and my oldest daughter stop in on me from time. They will also call and go with me on errands like groceries or the hardware store. They want to make sure I'm eating and sleeping and keep bringing me prepared meals even though I can cook.  About every third or forth night I hardly get sleep. Gina and I had just rearranged the bedroom furniture 2 or 3 days before she died. I moved the furniture back as it seemed the only memory I had with the furniture in that position was how I found Gina so I moved it back. Thought that would do the trick but last night didn't sleep at all again. I did get sleepy around 10 am and took a few hours nap. I'm sure as time goes on I will get more feelings of peace and acceptance  but I don't know how long for that to happen. I thought it was bad when my dad died but this is far worse for me. Anyway thank you for the condolences and encouragement. I know I'll be stopping in from time to time to post things as I have been finding it helpful. I'm also sure as time goes on I'll also be able to help advise or talk to others.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on April 11, 2017, 06:39:04 AM

JustMark,

I am sorry to read of the very recent death of your precious wife, Gina. Welcome to Webhealing.

As difficult as it is at this time, try to take care of yourself the best you can by staying hydrated (drinking lots of water) getting out of the house for a walk everyday, eating healthy snacks and getting rest. These things saved my life when grieving as our immune system get's zapped when our bodies are stressed and we can become very sick.

Know that we're here for you and post day or night, someone is always reading.

You have my understanding.

Sending hugs & love to you ((((((JustMark))))))

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on April 11, 2017, 09:13:05 AM
Thank you Terry. I have been getting out every day for one reason or another unless it's raining. I may walk with one of our dogs to go to the store to pick us a few odd or end groceries or one of the other stores close by. There is a small shopping plaza just about 2 to 3 blocks from my home. They know exactly where the dog treats are at. I get to remember drilling with Sarge or the pups when they were younger. I also have to take turns with each dog or else it may start a little rivalry so I alternate them and give them each turns. TwoToez is learning a couple new tasks to help me as a service dog because he was exclusively Gina's service dog.
Yesterday I was out getting the vegetable garden ready for planting. Like pulling the old plants adding some stuff that composted over winter and such.  I normally prep it about mid March, start the plants indoors early March and plant them first week of April but I'm just a little late this year. I didn't start the plants with everything happening so planting the seeds directly in the bed. 
For me last week it was rough. Gina used to cut the grass out front as she found it relaxing. Doesn't make sense to me but if she found it relaxing I wasn't going to argue. We live in a town house and towards the very front of our lawn is a 6 ft decline across the entire front and the side walk leading to the house has 4 concrete steps that go from the top the the bottom to the sidewalk along the street. Well part of my disabilities is deteriorating right hip and lower vertebrae in the lumbar region. I also have a hearing loss that affects my sense of balance at times and I cut the lawn tail end of last week which wiped me out for two days in very intense pain. So my daughter is going to have my grandson come by every other week to cut the lawn for me. Luckily it's a small lawn and the whole thing can be done in less then half an hour for someone that doesn't have disabilities.
Maybe after the rehab of the house is finished and I can reopen my shops and the charity / nonprofit I'll develop something that can attach to a lawn mower self propel it and the operator can be in eyesight and control it with a remote. You see I mentioned that Gina was involved with the deaf community and service dogs for our company. The things I was involved with was administration and engineering. Design work, drawing blueprints for structural modifications to buildings and equipment for permits and such, have parts made and things like that.
Two years ago I also bought and milling machine and lathe for metal work and had a driveway and parking pad from the alley installed in the back of our house as part of the home rehab. I also have a small electronics lab left over from my engineering company that got packed up years ago when my PTSD and depression kicked in and had to stop working and get help. A also bought two new development platforms for embedded electronics. I'm not only a disabled vet but also disabled engineer with almost 15 years of experience with design of embedded systems and industrial machinery. Gina was looking forward to me starting on some prototypes of a few things she thought of to help the deaf and disabled kids and kept her active with the disabled community. Yes Gina has moved on and it still hurts but I still remember her telling other disabled people when we were out at various functions " We are not handicapped! ....We are handicapable! 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on April 12, 2017, 07:40:05 AM

Hi Mark,

It sure sounds like you're doing all the right things. It's not always easy, as you're well aware but it's worth it. We're worth it.
Glad to learn that you have dogs. They are family and help us through the toughest times in our lives with their unconditional love that they give so freely. Enjoy them as much as they enjoy you!

I like "handicapable" and going to remember that. That's awesome.

You sure do have a lot going on and don't forget to take extra special care of you. Forgetting our basic needs is so easy to do when we're hurting.

If you post Gina's Angel Date, Birthday, Anniversary....I will post them on the calendar so she will be honored. We will always remember her here at Webhealing.

Scratch behind the ears for Sarge from me.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on April 13, 2017, 08:20:39 PM
Yes well it broke Gina's heart when she had to close the business. We had hoped to reopen it in a couple of years when she started getting some use of her arm but everything was being held up with the rehab of the house. and the last 6 months or so I even had to stop that in order to help Gina. I even put my own medical and psych needs on the back burner. So you could say in order to do what needed to be done I self neglected while keeping Gina a priority. With Gina gone I am making sure to take care of myself and needs trying to get back on my feet without going over board and racing to the finish line if you know what I mean. So for me right now is slow and steady. Anyway, what is an angel date? If it's the day she died she went on March 16th 2017, her birthday is September 12th 1962 and our anniversary is June 13th 2009.

Last night I got a little more bad news. The younger brother of a friend named Gene, I had known for about 50 years, since first or second grade,  posted Genes obituary on Gene's  facebook page. Next Tuesday is the memorial service and I'll probably be going. We were very close growing up. Lost touch when I went into the service then reconnected when I got out and stayed in touch. Went fishing and crabbing and such. Just seems like yesterday when we were kids. Played army, soft ball, cowboys and indians, rode our bikes together, kool aid stand that lasted a whole day and a half. We even took turns talking and coming up with bigger and better stories of how scary and haunted old man Pumphrey's farm house was. It even had a secret pirates cave in back the house and surprisingly no one has found the buried treasure still to this day. Yes I will miss Gene and always have good memories of him. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on April 14, 2017, 07:11:08 AM

Mark,

I'm sorry to read of the death of your friend, Gene. Those childhood memories you shared are just priceless. Thank You.

Yes, I do know what you mean regarding that finish line and important to remember that grieving is slow, at times....there is no time table, just a beginning. I try to remember that the pain is the price we pay for loving and losing.

The Angel Date is when our loved ones died, correct. I will post Gina's dates on our calendar. Thanks for sharing them.

Holding you close as you face another difficult challenge, saying good-bye to your friend.


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on April 16, 2017, 11:37:39 PM
Terry, we don't loose them, we take time to reflect and remember the love and positive impact they had on our lives so we in turn can pass it on and share it with our kids and others down the road. By doing so it helps insure what we learned from them isn't gone forever but actually grows and continues impacting others. I do not know of any better way to honor or commemorate them.

In my daughter Dawn I see my mother and my grandmother and Dawn never met my grandmother. Every now and then I catch my mom calling Bob and that was my dad.
Speaking of my dad as at times I still deal with him moving on in 2001. Maybe I'll start a thread or two about him. His Angel date is and August 29th 2001 two days before his birth date August 31st 1926. We buried him on his 75 birthday. I learned a lot from him. He was raised in the depression and fought in 3 wars, WW2, Korea and Vietnam.  One thing that is so special about me and my dad, unlike my mom and 2 brothers there are things my dad only shared with me and things I only shared with him. You see for people like me and him there are things vets would only share with other vets because they understand. So me and my dad were very very close perhaps that's why I still deal with his death at times even to this day. Right now I'm in uncharted territory as my mom is still alive but I am the first of the sons to loose a wife and Gina was able to help me with my dad because she also lost hers.


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on April 18, 2017, 02:11:39 PM
Mark,
I posted your Dad's dates. Thanks for sharing them.
:icon_flower:
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: kim.knight66 on June 21, 2017, 09:01:55 AM
Hello.  I am going to be brief here because I am not sure I am even doing this correctly.  My husband, whom I have known about 30 years and been married to 22.5 years, died this year 1.5.2017- totally unexpectedly. I am trying to find a way to deal with my grief - anger- confusion- disbelief - while continuing to live and raise our four kids and run our business.  There are so many things I don't know about this - other than it is a constant up and down and although friends and family are there for me and my kids- no one knows what to say or how to talk to me.  So, I am hoping to find some way of communicating with others who might be able to relate or tell me - no your not nuts or yes you are nuts.  Thank you.  Kim
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on June 21, 2017, 10:56:56 PM
Hi Kim, I'm not sure there is a wrong way or a right way or a way of doing things correctly here. Some of us just say what is on our mind or talks about what they are experiencing or going through and someone will typically respond and share their experiences, advice of what worked for them or perhaps share some insight. I think the only one that comes here with any sort of professional experience is Terry. I could also be wrong as I really haven't inquired about her background and she may have just come here to get support for herself some time ago and was asked to be moderator or something like that. Trust me when I say this I have absolutely no doubts I can be wrong at times. The rest of us are either going through or have already been through what you have dealt with or will be in your loss or. So we all respect and try to help each other and truly understand the hurt, devastation and loss one can experience.  When I first came here I wasn't going to open up or let my hair down but I seen where others did get help that opened up. So I followed their example and I also learned a long time ago I have to be honest with myself as well as others or no healing can take place. I also learned it's ok to say when I hurt in here. From what I have seen of the various conversations in here I haven't seen anyone being judgemental either. This is the first time I have ever spoken to you and I believe you can see by the way I am expressing myself and being honest when I say I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I do understand.

I can also relate to operating a business. That is what Gina, my wife and I were doing at one point. I'll soon be reopening it in honor of Gina after I get more of the rehab and work done at my house. I'm also pulling an engineering company out of storage that put in mothballs back in 2005 to get help for the sever onset of my disabilities at the VA. Her and I both are disabled and deep down inside we both understood she would go first. We both didn't realize it would be this soon. Just this last week would have been our 8th wedding anniversary and it was also the 3 month anniversary of her passing was only three days after our anniversary but I don't feel sorry. I sense her at times and weird things do take place at my house now I can't explain. Even with my engineering knowledge.

I promised Terry earlier that for my and Gina's anniversary I would post how I came to propose and marry Gina and I will in another thread tonight or first thing tomorrow so keep your eyes open for it if you are curious. I'm a man of my word and I will be posting that in the thread "been a month". I'm tracking my progress there as I go through this. Last week my brother and sister in law wanted me to come to Richmond to their house to get away from home last week. But you read what I post and you will see why I don't feel sorry about Gina passing. Don't get me wrong I do hurt very terribly and miss her very much but I don't feel sorry for myself for what I am going through. You see I know one day I will be joining her. I don't know when it will be but it will happen.

She heard all about my dad from me and my brothers and she always said she wished she had met him. Well she has met him now and right now she is playing with PJ. Her son Peter James. I haven't met him. Let her go ahead and take her time and play with him. While I have been typing I sensed she was around and a song that was one of our favorites began playing while I have been typing and it hasn't played on the radio in years. The song is called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz listen to it or pull it up on you tube and listen to it Kim. The last couple of years I was walking her home. If you listen to that song and understood what our last few years were together you will understand that. Gina always said she had felt guilty not giving me a son. I'm not sure if she is watching right now or will read what I say later but I still sense her presence. It's ok Gina, you did give me a son. You made me PJ's step dad so you take your time and play with PJ. Tell PJ about his step dad and let him know. I may be taking my time but one day I am still coming home. All Gina has done is move to a different plane of existence and she doesn't hurt anymore. Needless to say I mentioned weird stuff happening around here now. So how in the heck did the radio station station know to play that song just a few moments after I remembered I promised Terry to post how I managed to propose to Gina and almost married her in the hospital in 2009. With this kind of stuff happening I don't doubt she read or will read what I just posted and I'm just as logical as the next person the only difference is I have seen or experienced enough evidence others haven't.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on June 23, 2017, 08:24:11 AM

Hi Kim,

I'm so sorry to read of the death of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing. :love9: Our newest members are Mark and Raven. You'll see their posts below.

Post as little or as much as you feel up to posting, someone is always reading. Grief can be very confusing and also, overwhelming. One day, hour, minute at a time and sometimes a second at a time is how we work through this and in our own time. Learning and accepting that we have to live without someone we loved so dearly is work. And, although it may feel like it at times....I don't believe you are nuts or anywhere close to it. Pain roars and it stings and can cause us to ride the 'ocean of emotions' wave.

We're here for you. If there is anything I can do for you, just message me or post it here on the board.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: kim.knight66 on July 08, 2017, 12:00:10 PM
Thank you for your responses.  I appreciate it.  I finally went to a counseling session yesterday.  I have issues with most counselors because I can't always find the right fit and that is exhausting and I in the past when I have gone to them they have been so cookie cutter and by the book I feel like I could have gotten a "counseling for dummies" manual and counseled myself. But, I liked this person and maybe because she is with hospice and she knows her stuff and its a free service so she is not there to make money from me or impress me.  So, that was helpful and I will elaborate at another time.  Just another step in this insane, unfair process. 

 Anyway the short history of what happened to us is this- We had taken a family trip over Christmas-12.18.16 came home-12.26.16 and celebrated Xmas and New Years on the same day 12.31.16.  Five days later, 1.5.2017, I went upstairs to go to bed around 11:30pm and I looked at Jim, my husband, laying in bed, but sitting up slightly as he does every night, while reading until he falls asleep.  He looked exactly the same as always, except not, and I knew something was wrong.  Long story short for now- i shook him and called out to him-call 911, got my kids up to help me get him to the floor and started CPR to no avail. I didn't know he was already dead.  Yes, there was a odd look to his skin around his ears and mouth, but he made a noise when I shook him.  His body felt warm and soft when I touched him.  I didn't know that what I described at a rash was blood that had pooled and I didn't notice if he has pee'd himself or not.  Maybe part of did know, but the part that wanted him to answer me and reach out to me, didn't know.  When my daughter started compression and I tried to breathe for him, there was a smell that I knew was not right- metallic like and when I breathed into him it gurgled and his mouth was open unnaturally so it was hard to create a perfect seal.  These are the weird details I remember and I focus on and they go round and round in my head.  We kept up the CPR until the police arrived and he took over compression and I was at Jim's head imploring a dead man to live.  I think I knew then because I remember looking at him and thinking if you are going to be a vegetable don't hang on (and I felt so guilty for that - still do- but it was thought only because I know him and that would have been a sentence worse than death).  I remember his eyes being half open and his hand flopping around with each compression and again I knew deep down he was gone. The EMS arrived and I kept telling them their was something in his throat impeding air - blood-- it was blood -his lungs were filled with blood for no clear reason which was terrifying and shocking. My daughter turned me away - took me to the bathroom- put shoes on my feet.  She made my son stay out the room for the most part- She said I needed to be dressed to go to the hospital and she would pick up my other daughter and meet us there.  She didn't want me to see them siphoning blood from his body out of his mouth.  And then we were taken from the room and asked all sorts of questions about his health and any pills he was on or did he drink or take drugs etc.  They had us go down stairs, and I guess I was in shock because I went - even though now I wonder why- I should have stayed with him every second- dead or not.  They had us fill out all this paperwork about what happened from the second he came home that day to now.  It kept me busy and in retrospect I now know they were probably following protocol and making sure I didn't slip poison in his food or something.  Anyway, at some point someone came for me.  The cop maybe.  I have a memory of kinda floating up the stairs to meet him halfway and heard him give me his condolences of my dead husband.  I think I floated back down and quite honestly don't recall what I said or did with my kids.  My 19 year old had come home in the midst of this nightmare while they were working on him.  I remember seeing her face and the confusion and fear.  My six year old slept through it all thankfully, but then when every one except the cop was gone and we were waiting for the coroner to come, she woke- I had to run upstairs and make sure she didn't wander into my room.  My kids had called his brother, also a cop and he came over. We sat in the living room waiting and I wanted to go to Jim in my room because I kept thinking he was all alone up there.  But I was so terrified to do it and to this day I regret that.  I can't believe I didn't go up there and wait with him for the grim reaper to come take his body from me.  My brother in law said he wanted to go as well but his feet wouldn't move.  I remember asking him to go with me at one point, but I don't think he answered me.  So, the funeral home people came after the county coroner left and said he had a heart attack (which I knew was BS-but again another story)- my brother in law left- and there we sat- me, my babies, my daughters boyfriend.  We just sat there not knowing what to do.  Sleep?  yeah ok.  Well, my son fell asleep and my daughter and I lay down near him and tried to sleep.  I got up and down constantly- finally calling people that didn't answer at 3am.  And I started writing to Jim.  That was day one of the rest of my life without him.   Thirty years of knowing him, loving him, and the ups and downs and ins and outs.  Raising four kids and running a company together - 58 years old- Marine Corp Officer- healthy and I had just turned 50- widow .  NEVER in my life imagined that would be what I am- not even now can I call myself that.  It is what you call old people in my mind. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on July 08, 2017, 07:29:27 PM
Hi Kim, yes it is an odd feeling while the police are there not letting one be in the same room with their deceased partner. In my case I went through the same thing. I found Gina and thought she had fallen out of bed but as soon as I touched her she was ice cold and knew it was too late. I checked respiration there wasn't any then got her up into somewhat of sitting position with me hugging her from behind and I put my hand over her heart and didn't feel a beat. I called the paramedics and then just held her and cried til the paramedics arrived. The police explained it was their protocol to treat the area as a crime scene until medical examiner arrived. So I sat in the office giving all the info I could like Dr numbers, info on her medications and such. The cops know me because some of the things Gina and I did was get disabled people plugged into support and with the nonprofit and charity was sometimes police referral because Gina used sign language and could interpret for the deaf. That Gina and I have always been kind and warm hearted  people and well known in the disabled community. They knew I wouldn't harm Gina but they had to do their job. I understood that. They also know I'm a disabled vet and several of them Gina and I trained in how to deal with people that have service dogs. So we weren't exactly strangers to some of the officers. They were worried about me to. They told me they also couldn't leave until family got to the house. They got their chaplain there asap for me as well. At first I thought it may have been an accidental over dose but in talking to the ME and police it was ruled out because she had been on the same meds for years and they way they were administered hadn't changed either. Gina wasn't known for abusing her meds either. They ruled it a heart attack.

No I haven't posted the story of how I proposed and got married to Gina like I said I would. I'm trying to find the right words to explain things and trying to get it shorter then 5 pages. I'm still not used to checking of the blocks widow / widower on form yet either. I guess I will one day. I'm still wearing my wedding bands.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: KathyD on September 26, 2017, 03:50:58 PM
Hello
What brings me here is the fact that I need some help to get through my grief as it is consuming me.  My husband was a healthy, well-loved, fixer and mender with whom I was married for one week short of 35 years.  Two weeks before his death he developed the flu, after a few days I was begging him to go to the doctor and then a Mid March blizzard hit.  The "flu" didn't stop him from going out to snow blow a path to our barn so I could feed our colony of cats or drive bus on Thursday for the kids going back to school.  By March 17, one week after the start of the flu, he was fluorescent yellow when I went to see why he was still in bed.  I called the ambulance and they took him into the hospital. He was in acute liver and kidney failure. 

He didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do any drugs -prescribed or otherwise. As I said he was healthy.  Never sick. No surgeries.  no hospital stays.  the only time he went to the hospital was broken foot and broken ankle - one from work and one playing volleyball. 

We all were in disbelief that this was happening.  Then they told us that they found a mass in his abdomen and on both kidneys.  What!!???   He was healthy. He had NO SYMPTOMS before the "flu"  Within 7 hours in that hospital they sent him to Hershey Medical Center where the specialists were. 

Ron was a mystery to them as they did not know what the masses were and did not know why he was so sick. Unfortunately Ron apparently was in self denial and neglected to share with me some details of how he was really feeling up to March 17. They intubated him that day, we had our last kiss together and said goodbye saying we will see each other soon when he wakes up.   The intubation was done to preserve his airway because of the blood levels he had he was in and out of sleepiness and wasn't always coherent.   

That weekend we were called in Saturday into Sunday because he was crashing.  He was bleeding and his numbers were not looking good. My brother drove me and my youngest daughter who lived nearby to the hospital (why didn't I just stay with my Ron - why did I feel I had to work that night) Ron wasn't looking good. If only they knew what the mass was but he was not stable enough to do a biopsy.  Then a brave fellow (someone who went through residency) sat down across from me with Ron between us and said that my husband was too healthy and young to be in this state and because they didn't know how to treat the mass, he wanted to start him on high-dose steroids.  I immediately said yes do it. 

As the week went on Ron was responding to the steroids by getting better numbers.  He was on dialysis 24/7 since admission and was receiving blood products for the bleeding they didn't know where it was coming from (abdomen??)  On Weds they were able to do an ultrasound-guided biopsy.  By Thursday we found out that the mass was not cancerous but rather fibrous - scar tissue.  What?? Ron never had surgery or trauma to the stomach - how did this happen and why was it causing so many issues.  Apparently this mass grew encompassing some blood arteries and veins; enough to cause things to slow down and stop working.   He was off blood products.  He was making some urine on his own. We were starting to hopeful.  So many people were praying for him surely God would hear our pleas to help Ron.

Then Friday came.  the doctor called me and asked if I was coming in.  Yes, of course, I was there everyday for many many hours, short of sleeping there (now I wish I did) Things weren't looking good for Ron.  He started to bleed again and they had him on blood products.  They did an EGD to see if they could find where the blood was coming from.  They said things didn't look good - there was no visible injury - just blood seeping through the tissues.  It was basically the doctors telling me that there was absolutely no more they could do for Ron.  This was going to be the day that he died. 

Our two daughters, 31 and 29, just cried in disbelief. this week had been a bad dream and now it was becoming a nightmare or worse.  I called my brother to come (my only immediate family living) and Ron's huge family of 7 brothers and sisters (no living parents) some of whom had come to visit.
 The nurse suggested they call the other brothers and sisters as Ron was going to go fast and hold the phone to Ron (who was still intubated and basically unconscious) so he could hear their good byes.

Any family who had come to visit not knowing this was going down visited and then left the room so Ron, our girls and myself could be together one last time.

 I have never cried so many tears as that day or said so many "I LOVE YOU" "I've never told you enough how much I appreciate you."   The nurse made sure that I had access to Ron and short of getting in bed with him, I held onto him while my daughters were on the other side holding his hand and arm (the Nurse did remove many of the IVs to allow us access.)  He was till intubated by our request (we experienced the death of my mother after extubation and that is traumatic and I didn't want my daughters to experience that again)  The nurse unhooked the dialysis machine, most IV (left the pain IV in) and turned off the heart monitor in the room and left us alone. I did have a moment of panic that I was doing the right thing and reached out to the nurse to stop her from unhooking him but she just held me and whispered to me that I was doing the right thing and it was okay.   

The girls and I reminisced.  We told him how much we loved him and appreciated him and I watched as my babies had to watch their father pass away.   Because of the intubation it wasn't immediately known he had died except I knew.  I saw the tear that a loved one sheds when they pass. That didn't stop me from holding him, kissing him and talking to him.  The nurse came and told us that he had passed.  We remained longer.  I couldn't leave him, not yet.  I didn't want to leave him.  It was so surreal.

In one week we would have celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary.  Who does that anymore I told him.  We were happy together.  We raised two very fine daughters who were successful and happy.  Who will walk them down the aisle if they get married or help me babysit any grandchildren they may have.   Eventually, we did leave. As we were leaving to tell the family who were in the waiting room, the lights flickered while we walked down the hallway, as if following us.  We just looked at each other.  We knew who was looking over us.   

It's been six very long months since his death.  I still cry every night.  I still cry with memories of him and the what ifs.  I have good days. I have bad days.  My daughters and I remain close and we aren't afraid to talk about our feelings or about him.  We loved him so much and had such wonderful memories. They used to ask us how when we "fought" we always end up laughing at each other.  I told them because that is how people should "fight"  ending with laughter at how silly we sounded.   

An autopsy was done because we needed answers.  The doctors needed answers.  Turns out the large retroperitoneal mass and its associated clinical complications were the cause of his death.  they called this mass was "idiopathic sclerosing mesenteritis characterized by chronic inflammation and fibrosis.  it is a rare disorder which may affect men between the fifth and seventh decades of life."  Ron was 59 with no symptoms prior to the "flu"

of note, when researching this disorder, if caught early and diagnosed correctly (often misdiagnosed) it is treatable with steroids.  But can only be found on Ultrasound and/or CAT scan.  So if your loved one is having stomach issues and they can't find a cause, ask for an ultrasound and/or CAT to rule out this diagnosis.  It might only be rare because it isn't diagnosed correctly. 

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my story.  Now to find an appropriate counselor to help me pull myself together and function.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on September 28, 2017, 06:38:55 AM
Thank you Kathy, you have my most sincerest and humble condolences. There is so much in what you have explained that I can relate to in so many ways I am literally in tears right now even though there are differences in our stories. I lost my Gina this last March and in coming here dealing with her loss I found I was still dealing with some issues and griefjust a few hours  with the loss of my father in 2001 and he passed just a few hours short of his and my mom's 50th anniversary. I'm also in the process of returning to the VA medical system after moving my care to the private sector because I was experiencing at the Baltimore VA medical system the same things the IG investigators were uncovering at the Phoenix VA and other VA facilities. In coming back they are going over all sorts of things to make sure I'm doing ok and just getting acclimated to my psych meds for about a month and the pharmacy has already messed up the first refill I requested on the 15th of September. Anyway with the disabilities I have they also wanted updated MRI's and Catscans of my lower back and hip and they discovered two small fibrous masses and been referred to urology and my appointment is tomorrow. Probably nothing to worry about or is caught early enough to be taken care of but won't know for sure until tomorrow.  We come here with what works for us in dealing with grief or different ways of coping with it. None of us are really experts on greif or come from psych backgrounds. I found keeping myself busy helps so I work on my house as it was in rehab and I stopped to help take care of Gina during her last 2 years with me. I have also recently returned to playing guitar and music as I used to play professionally before I went into the Army in 1983. I do have 4 large dogs two of which are fully trained service dogs for me and one is a new arrival who I am just starting on training and then Tunnie the smallest one is around 140 pounds or so is too small in helping me up and down steps but has been trained in other tasks to help. I have an appointment in a little bit so don't be surprised if if I pick this back up and share more of my thoughts as as that was a lot of information you posted and sharing also helps sharing also helps quite a bit as well. I also found changing the environment in one form or another helps as well as it will not be a constant reminder of loss and help develop room for new and fond memories so that we are not dwelling on our grief as it doesn't do anyone any good including ourselves. When I say changes in environment it could also be a change in actions or habits with things that have to get done. Gina was the flower gardener and I was the vegetable gardener. I'm keeping all of her rose bushes and I changed the flower beds a little bit and added a small bench I can sit on and enjoy the view and reminisce not only Gina but also Dainy the mother of the litter of pups that are now my service dogs because she is buried there and things from Sarge my first service dog and father of the litter of the pups are there too. Anyway I do have to step out but I will be back.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on September 30, 2017, 08:52:38 AM
(((((Kathy)))))

I'm so sorry to read of the death of your precious husband.

Welcome to Webhealing. :love9:

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: tom 3 on October 02, 2017, 01:01:17 PM
Kathy/ All-
I'm sorry to hear of what happened and what you are going through.  I'm Tom, this is my first day signing up; I lost my wife suddenly almost 6 months ago.  I found this site referenced in a newspaper article yesterday and wanted to look into.  I feel like I'm doing OK for the most part but have  a lot bottled up inside I feel like I can't talk to anyone about anymore.  I cry about everyday even if not a sad cry.  My wife Amber was 31 and I thought we were gonna be together forever and I've never knew that kind of happiness or love before.  I'm trying to get by a day at a time. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on October 02, 2017, 06:55:49 PM
Hi Tom and welcome. sorry to hear about your wife Amber. I lost my Gina about the same time as your wife. That's about all we can do is take it one day at a time.It's been a few months since I cried but my problem is more like getting motivated to do anything especially cooking. I keep finding myself drifting back to a steady diet of sandwiches, salads and cereal. Of course recently part of that is because the last two weeks I been going up to the VA hospital almost everyday. This week I won't be going at all. I recently got plugged back into the system as when the scandal broke I seen I was going through the same things taking place in Phoenix and used my medicare and switched over to private practice. With coming back they are going over me with a fine tooth comb. So it's been one day go to one specialty then the next lab work and different specialist, then next day go over reports from cat scan and refer to another specialist who wants more lab work. This time around they threw in two more specialists urology and an endocrinologist on top of what I was seeing before. Every single one says the same thing. Oh we found this, but it's probably nothing to worry about we just want to a different type of testing or some sort of different type of scan at radiology. At the rate they are going next week they will send me to the proctologist to prep me for brain surgery. My old Army sense of humor.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: tom 3 on October 03, 2017, 09:49:14 AM
Thanks Mark
I wish you well with the Dr's visits and I'll pray that you can get your motivation.  I'm sort of that way with things but try to stay busy and if not I read a lot and that has helped.  Hope you have a good day/ rest of week!
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on October 09, 2017, 09:27:57 AM
Kathy/ All-
I'm sorry to hear of what happened and what you are going through.  I'm Tom, this is my first day signing up; I lost my wife suddenly almost 6 months ago.  I found this site referenced in a newspaper article yesterday and wanted to look into.  I feel like I'm doing OK for the most part but have  a lot bottled up inside I feel like I can't talk to anyone about anymore.  I cry about everyday even if not a sad cry.  My wife Amber was 31 and I thought we were gonna be together forever and I've never knew that kind of happiness or love before.  I'm trying to get by a day at a time.

Tom,

I'm so sorry to read of the death of your precious wife, Amber. Welcome to our Webhealing family.

If you could post Amber's special dates: Angel, Birth, etc., I will post them on our calendar and she will always be remembered on her special day.

With love & understanding,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Randij on October 19, 2017, 07:06:02 PM
Hello,

My name is Randi, and I lost my boyfriend of 9 years in July. I feel like I have been avoiding the fact that he is really gone and suppressing all the emotions that come along with that reality. My grandmother suggested I should join a grief group in my area and when searching for one this website showed up. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings and sharing my emotions so this is all very difficult for me.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on October 20, 2017, 06:55:16 AM
((((Randi))))

I'm so sorry for your great loss. Welcome to our Webhealing family.

Tell us about your love.

We're here for you.

Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on October 20, 2017, 10:57:55 AM
Randij you have my sincere condolences about your boyfriend. You may find this group helpful. I know I have with loosing my wife in March. You are also not the only one that comes here thinking they aren't good at expressing their feelings. I was too but I did learn to open up and coming her quite helpful. Everyone that comes here either is going through or has been through dealing with the grief of loosing a loved one. Some of us more then one. We are quite familiar with most of the classic issue and all sorts of problems that that we encounter in dealing with our losses. We each share our insights or experiences of what works and sometimes our setbacks to help develop and learn skills to help us deal with a new life with loss because loosing a loved one is very much a life changing event for us. I'm not sure how new to you, your loss is but I know for me the first thing I had to relearn to do was make sure I took care of myself like getting motivated to cook for myself with me being the only one at home now. There is nothing wrong with my cooking and I made most of the meals while my wife Gina was alive but I still struggle with motivation to do it for myself. I'm a disabled vet and I have also restarted rehabbing my home. I had started in 2014 and continued to work on it up til Gina couldn't take care of herself in April of 2015. She already had disabilities and was doing ok but in April of 2015 she had knee replacement surgery and loss the use of her right arm. So I put the house on hold and took care of her. One problem I am encountering now is back in 2014 Gina picked a whole lot of things that I bought to install during the rehabbing and just now putting in like bathroom fixtures, shower units, ceiling fans and lamps the whole 9 yards. She even bought us new desks to use in what will become the new offices I will soon finish in the basement but Gina isn't here to see when things get finished. Plus we had planned on reopening our charity after Gina regained the use of her arm, to help disabled people with with a few new toys that cost around $15,000 for mechanical, electrical, software engineering and other items for small scale manufacturing on top of what I had already from an engineering company I closed before I met Gina, here in our home. That is what we planned on doing so that is what I will be doing when the house is finished. Because I'll reopen the company in honor of Gina.  So I guess you could say I also learned if I keep myself busy I don't dwell too much and stay out of trouble.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mare0202 on November 12, 2017, 09:51:26 AM
Hi All,

My name is Mary Rose, and I lost my husband of 33 years 3 weeks ago today, after a long battle with cancer.  To complicate matters, I lost my Mom on 5/22/17, and my Aunt Shorti (my second Mom), on 10/17/17, five days before my husband.  To say my family is reeling from all this loss would be an understatement.  I realize grieving great love and loss is a process, but OMG it hurts, hurts, hurts too bad

Looking forward to getting to know you all,
Mary Rose
Title: Introductions thread
Post by: desertrose on November 30, 2017, 10:44:31 PM
Hello, I'm not sure this is the right site for me, but I'm giving it a shot.  My name is Maria.  My husband died unexpectedly 14 months ago.  We had 17, not so happy years.  When I got the news, it was almost like a relief.  I've been doing okay.  At least I give the appearance that I am. I've been functioning normally, but when I let my guard down and talk about him or in private I can't help but feel all kinds of emotions.  I know that its okay to allow myself to feel them, and I have.  Mostly my heart aches.  I do have a strong support base of family, friends, and faith.  I'm not looking for sympathy, just guidance and hopefully the right path towards healing and forgiveness. 
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 01, 2017, 08:53:14 AM
Hi All,

My name is Mary Rose, and I lost my husband of 33 years 3 weeks ago today, after a long battle with cancer.  To complicate matters, I lost my Mom on 5/22/17, and my Aunt Shorti (my second Mom), on 10/17/17, five days before my husband.  To say my family is reeling from all this loss would be an understatement.  I realize grieving great love and loss is a process, but OMG it hurts, hurts, hurts too bad

Looking forward to getting to know you all,
Mary Rose

Mary Rose,

I'm so sorry to read of all of your great losses. This is a difficult time of year so reach out and know that we're here for you whenever you post.

Sending hugs & understanding,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on December 01, 2017, 08:58:44 AM
Hello, I'm not sure this is the right site for me, but I'm giving it a shot.  My name is Maria.  My husband died unexpectedly 14 months ago.  We had 17, not so happy years.  When I got the news, it was almost like a relief.  I've been doing okay.  At least I give the appearance that I am. I've been functioning normally, but when I let my guard down and talk about him or in private I can't help but feel all kinds of emotions.  I know that its okay to allow myself to feel them, and I have.  Mostly my heart aches.  I do have a strong support base of family, friends, and faith.  I'm not looking for sympathy, just guidance and hopefully the right path towards healing and forgiveness.

Hi Maria,

I'm sorry to read about the death of your husband. I understand having mixed emotions on many different levels. This is your time to take all the time you need to sort out all of those feelings. You're way ahead already....you're very honest.

We're here for you. Post any time.

Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on February 11, 2018, 01:46:03 PM
Hi All,
I haven't been here for a few years.  I am not actively grieving.  It's been almost 11 years since I lost my husband.  I just need a place to share my frustration and disappointment with not being able to make male friendships, or create any serious dating relationships. For the past five years I have engaged in, and hosted many singles meetup activities, volunteer in many and varied programs, and tried online dating.  All with no success. Most of the men I meet are 10-17 years younger, or they are older than me.  In other words, I don't view them as an appropriate age for me to be more than friends, but even friendships are naturally limited when we are not from the same generation.  Also, men my age are seeking women 10-30 years younger. I'm 63. I feel like I will likely live another 30 years. Even with my strong faith, it is a constant painful struggle to keep doing life alone. 

I know many of you here are not at a point where this is of any interest to you,  but I am in great pain.  I survived the pain of loss, healed enough to be ready to try again, only to discover the reality of the probability that I will never find anyone I want, who wants me. This is making me long for what I know I can't have again, so, I guess in a way I am grieving again.

Thanks for listening.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on February 13, 2018, 01:13:50 PM
Hi mousewife, not sure if I should chime in here or not as my Gina's passing is still fairly fresh to me to be worried about dating at this time. I don't know enough about you or your situation to give advice or not. So I can only go by what I see written but I think you may be putting too much emphasis on age to rule prospective candidates out. Most of the guys I have ran across that are my age, which is 56 that are widowed or single aren't really worried that much about age or finding a woman more then 10 years younger then they are because they don't want to be emotionally taken advantage of. I don't know what area of the country you live in so maybe it's your area or perhaps your just perceiving it that way.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on February 19, 2018, 07:11:34 PM
Hi JustMark,

First, let me say I am very sorry that you have lost your wife.  I know it is so hard.  I still miss my husband, but, it is much easier than it was.  In March it will be 11 years for me. I used to post here a lot, mostly to try and encourage others, but also reading other's posts helped me a lot.  It took me about five years before I could even think about the possibility of someone else.  It's not a guilt thing.  He wanted me to find someone else if I could.  But I waited a long time for God to bring the two of us together, so I think he knew it would not be easy for me to find the right person. I'm quite sure however, that he never would have thought  it would be for the reason that it is.

I appreciate the fact that you offered a comment. Though this is not like the pain of grieving, it is painful to find that you are not valued by your male cohorts.

I live in Illinois, but, this is a widespread issue both in the U.S. and in other countries from everything I have read. Online most of the men specify that they are looking for women 10-30 years younger.

I have only recently met a man who is 60, what I consider an appropriate age for me, though I am 63.  But even he as expressed an interest in 40 somethings. That really hurts.  None of my female friends are having any success either.  One friend is 57 and she is dating a 67 year old because he pursued her and he was pretty much her only option.  She does care for him, but she would have preferred someone her own age.

This is just the way it is.  I don't understand why.  Especially when a guy is a Christian.  I thought that men of faith would see value in us the way God does.  But I have found this not to be so.

I'm sure there are still some men who would prefer to date someone within five years either way, but I have never encountered one. 

It is very hard for me to live this life, and think of a future devoid of any male perspective or interaction.  I had such a great relationship with my husband.  He was my soulmate and my best friend. I would love to be loved again, and have someone to grow old with, but even a good friend would be great.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to post.  That was a kindness.  I hope your days free of sorrow and heartache will become more frequent as you continue on this journey.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: KIM61 on February 22, 2018, 11:23:37 AM
Hi. My name is Kim. My husband passed away on Dec 4 2017. 
I am doing ok. Just get overwhelmed from time to time.  Taking it day to day. Keeping busy
With work and hobbies. Nice to know there is a place to go and
Chat if needed. I am a better listener than a talker.  Thank you for being here.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: mousewife on February 23, 2018, 12:51:31 PM
Hi Kim,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and especially that it was so close to Christmas.  This would have made it much harder for me.

I am glad that you have some things that keep your mind occupied for at least some of the time.  Yes, it is good to take things a day, or even a minute at a time.  Express yourself here whenever you need to.  It is a good and safe place to do that.  Reading other's posts is also helpful.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: KIM61 on February 25, 2018, 07:11:39 AM
Hi mousewife
Thanks for your response. Nice to hear from you.
I believe all is well and I must embrace change. No one likes change lol.
But I also believe you find happiness from yourself. Time will tell since it's only been 4 months.
One day at a time
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on March 03, 2018, 08:11:40 AM
Hi KIM61, welcome to the group. I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Taking it one day at a time is all we can do when we loose our spouse and staying busy does help but there is still that time during the day where it can seem over whelming but it does ease with time.  I stop in here from time to time as I have gotten a lot of good advice and I been told I do ok at rendering advice here and there as I can. All of us in here are in different stages of grief and help each other trying to be supportive. In about 2 weeks it will be the one year anniversary of my wife passing. Hobbies do help quite a bit. Just after I planted a vegetable garden last year. I had a guitar Gina had given me for Christmas in 2014 and had placed in storage so it would be safe while I rehabbed the house and got the new office in the basement for me and Gina. Anyway she passed before I got the office in but I said the heck with it and dug it our early. I don't think Gina would mind and the office still isn't finished yet even though I have worked on it. I'm also disabled so I can only work here and there as I can. I have both good and bad days. Gina got me the guitar because I'm an old pro bass player from years ago before I had kids. I played a little bit of classical guitar back then too. When Gina and I first met I was getting back into playing bass for our church and she loved to hear me play. She asked me one time why I never played lead and I explained I never owned an electric 6 string or took the time to learn. That was in early 2007 Then in 2014 when I finally started getting VA disability and social security for Christmas there was a brand new Fender Telecaster with a note it was time for me to learn. I don't think she could have picked a better guitar for me. Anyway as far as hobbies I'm learning lead guitar and every now and then I get a sense Gina is watching.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on March 03, 2018, 11:35:14 PM
Well mousewife,
You said a mouthful but I'm more then happy to give my point of view on some of what you wrote. I'm not anyone that is special or have anymore insight into things then anybody else. I'm just very down to earth. Not afraid to say what's on my mind. I wear my heart on my sleeve or not afraid to say things from my heart to others, honest and sincere and occasionally have all the subtlety and charm of a hand grenade in the middle of the night. In other words I'm not always soft spoken and I am a Christian.

Any man that seeks someone 30 to 40 years younger then they are I would question if they are Christian. They are not looking for companionship, they are looking for eye candy because they want to appease their ego or foolish pride, lust of the flesh and be a show off. In order for them to do that they would need to put up a facade instead of letting people see who they really are. The sad news is for guys like that sooner or later that facade comes off.

In my case someone 40 years younger then me the girl, yes I said girl, not woman is just completing high school and doesn't know much about life yet. One 30 years younger then me puts her in her 20's, either went to college and is on the starting end of a career and maybe she is not going to let anything interfere with the career development, Perhaps they didn't go to college and is a wild child, maybe already has a failed marriage under their belt with young kids or passably some other baggage like maybe a father figure for themselves and not a companion. If that is what the guys are looking for to help fill their foolish pride or relive their youth again? More power to them. I can give dozens of reasons why a man looking for a companion and not someone as young as their children or grand children. Guys like that it doesn't bring them happiness because they begin thinking they have to keep themselves looking young and the more they peruse trying to keep themselves young while aging keeps pushing it further away and harder to hide it. 

I'm the type that should I start dating again or looking for companionship I'm in the group with those other guys looking for plus or minus 5 years of my own age. Maybe 10 at the youngest. If I need input on things from life I haven't experienced they are more apt to be able to speak from experience. More apt to appreciate similar things we grew up with like music, yes the dreaded 70's disco or dances, like I really could do the bump or hustle with out causing body damage now days. We also can't forget mood rings and pet rocks. It's ok to laugh about it. People closer to our own age are more apt to more in common then those that are two or 3 decades apart. Well I have to check on my dog Tunnie. She is due her meds and also will need to go out.


Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: KIM61 on March 05, 2018, 07:36:08 AM
Hi JustMark
Thank you for your reply. I agree there are certain times of the day that are over whelming. Little triggers that cause a wave of thoughts and feelings. Things are very different now. Richard had lung cancer so we had a year of treatment before his passing. During that year we did a lot of talking and learned a lot about each other even though we were together for 34 years. Some surprises! lol but the time was well spent. I think that year was the hardest just knowing the outcome no matter what. But even though our lives were consumed with cancer and treatments and side effects it did give us time unlike a sudden death.
I am sorry about the loss of your wife. I think guitar is very good way to keep busy and sort feelings. Glad you have that. And I am sure Gina is watching and very happy you are leaning!
One day at a time and a lot of prayers!
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on March 07, 2018, 10:33:10 AM
Hi Kim61,

I know those treatments that Richard went through were rough and I'm sure he was thankful to have someone like you to be by his side as he went through them. Gina and I are both disabled but when we first met we weren't aware I had anything more then depression and on back on my way to living a normal life. Gina had suffered years with a ventral hernia that 10 surgical attempts at repair were unsuccessful when we met in December of 2006. We got married in 2009 after my physical disabilities developed from past injuries I suffered while in the Army and later from working around industrial machinery. From when we had met and even after we got married we lost count of the number of er visits for the problems with her stomach. In spring of 2015 Gina had a successful knee replacement surgery and somehow or other while she was still recuperating the night they before they were going to release her she ended up with brachial plexis and lost the use of her right arm. so I cared for her for the remainder of her life for almost two years. Just after we lost Sarge our first Service dog and father of a special litter of pups we had, Gina started going down hill fast for her last 6 months. Then in March last year she died of heart attach.

For both of us it was our 2nd marriage and from the time we dated and after we married we were together just a little more then 10 years. We were inseparable from the beginning and we each treasured the time we had together. We always understood she would most likely go first and the last two years we had a lot of those heart to heart talks.

So even though we prepare for the inevitable as in your case and mine. It still hurts like hell when they go. It's been almost a year but there are still times a lot of memories flood my head and I get lost in thought. It's ok when it does happen as a vast majority of them are happy and pleasurable. The house is still filled with a lot of things that were Gina's that I don't use or have a need for as I haven't had it in me yet to get them to places they could be used. The only things I have gotten out of the house that belonged to Gina were her cloths and shoes. I sort of been holding off until I had more healing under my belt. It wasn't until just this last month I took of my wedding band and placed it in her jewelry box with hers.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: KIM61 on March 11, 2018, 11:07:59 AM
Hi JustMark
You are right no matter of the time it is still a shock when the time comes.  I think the healing has to come on its own no matter how long.  I don't feel any hurry and I just keep going one day at a time. Will have you in my prayers as you approach one year. Hope you have a peaceful time and enjoy many good memories. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Sandy W on April 17, 2018, 08:43:55 AM
This is my first time on here.  I lost my husband of 41 years 2 years ago this May 1.  I would like to hear from others in this similar situation and how they are coping.  thanks  sandy
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Veronica1992 on April 28, 2018, 05:14:04 PM
Hi. I'm Veronica. Over the past 2 years, I lost a few close people. I accidentally stumbled upon this forum and began to read other people's stories, it's a little distracting. While I'm not ready to write about myself, so as not to aggravate my condition. But I will be glad to help others.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: hearyou on April 29, 2018, 04:50:02 PM
My husband died March 2016,he had been sick with cancer which we had beat. Was COPD that took him. Married for 36 years. It is hard to see the happiness in life when your everything dies. I have had to get a full time job which is probably a blessing and seems as though life is just mundane now.I try and see the positive in everything and have taught myself to not think negatively. I have learned how to not think. Just do things there is no real happiness in life anymore but i pretend there is to others. Everyone thinks i have done Exceptionally well . Inside me there isn't much going on though. I am just doing my time. I do find some things amusing though and am grateful for my memories as it is all i have now and again am grateful for those too.Guess life is just for work now. ( Hugs)Everyone.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Veronica1992 on April 29, 2018, 07:57:35 PM
hearyou, The work is really very distracting. But you need to rest, too. Take care of yourself. I hope you get better with time.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on May 01, 2018, 05:48:07 PM
My husband died March 2016,he had been sick with cancer which we had beat. Was COPD that took him. Married for 36 years. It is hard to see the happiness in life when your everything dies. I have had to get a full time job which is probably a blessing and seems as though life is just mundane now.I try and see the positive in everything and have taught myself to not think negatively. I have learned how to not think. Just do things there is no real happiness in life anymore but i pretend there is to others. Everyone thinks i have done Exceptionally well . Inside me there isn't much going on though. I am just doing my time. I do find some things amusing though and am grateful for my memories as it is all i have now and again am grateful for those too.Guess life is just for work now. ( Hugs)Everyone.

((((hearyou))))

I'm so sorry for the great loss of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing.

Love,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: robn375 on May 09, 2018, 09:53:34 AM
Thank you for sharing.  Your words are what I have to say about Debby. It helps me to know that I am not in this alone but I would never wish this grief.   on anyone.  I wish you love and peace now and days to come.   
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on May 11, 2018, 02:54:18 AM
Hi robn375, welcome to webhealing. In dealing with my loss I have found this site helpful. None of us are experts on greif but we share things that have helped with others and get advice from others as well. So don't be afraid of talking about something that bothers you. We are about as non judgemental as they come.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: DontStopBelieving on June 18, 2018, 02:16:42 PM


I lost my husband of 9 years to complications of NASH on June 14th, 2018. I miss him so much. It's been 4 days and I've never felt more alone. Casey was a kind man that never met a stranger. He could walk up and talk to anyone. He taught me to be strong and always be kind. He is missed so much and forever in my heart.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on June 20, 2018, 07:14:32 PM
Hi DontStopBelieving, I'm sorry for your loss. it was just a little over a year ago I lost wife of almost 9 years. We had helped each other with dealing with our disabilities but hers were life ending and mine are life changing. I learned in dealing with the grief it's not necessarily the length of time we were together that determines the extent of our grief but the amount of commitment we had with our spouses during the marriage that seems to determine the severity of our grief. At first everything seems surreal and you wonder if your going to adjust and how? Even now for me a little more then a year later I can have motivation problems in doing some things for myself, as it's only me and my dogs. I have found my dogs to be real comforting and I have picked up playing guitar.
 
What motivated me to do it was there was a short time when Gina and I first started out I played bass in the church's music ministry and Gina loved my playing. A couple of times when we were home she would like me playing a few classical guitar pieces that I had remembered from more then 30 years ago. She knew I used to be a professional bass player in rock bands in my late teens and early 20's and basically stopped playing when I went into the army. Gina asked me one time why I never played lead and I told her I never took the time to learn as I had never owned an electric 6 string. My kids were grown and she knew that at some point in the future I planned return to playing music when I retired to keep me busy. We didn't know at the time that a few years down the road I would be disabled too.  I had started rehabbing our home to accommodate both her and my disabilities and for Christmas 2014 she bought me a Fender Telecaster and told me it was time to learn to play leads. I played it for a little bit, about a month or so and then put it into storage until the rehab and construction work was done. Anyway late last April or early May after she passed, the work still was not finished on the house but I dug out that Telecaster guitar and started taking lessons as I was going to keep my promise to her. So now I get comfort in my guitar too. There are times that I am playing that I get a sense or feeling Gina's spirit is stopping into listen and check on me.

So DontStop I know the grief is real hard right now and the wound is still very fresh in your mind but I would suggest to keep in the back of your mind for later you find something to help keep you somewhat busy and your mind occupied. If you are anything like me right now your reviewing the years you were together and the memories may drive you nuts. Perhaps you are dealing with the what if's and what could have been's and dealing with a flood of emotions and memories. Anyway, keep in the back of your mind if you can find some sort of hobby or start doing something different it will help keep you occupied and deal with some of those feelings as well as channel some of your efforts. You have plenty of time to start it anytime but you may find it may also help you in sorting things out and coming to terms with the loss of your husband and there is no need to rush into anything. Just keep the idea in the back of your mind as a suggestion. Right now whether you want to or not make sure you are taking care of yourself and don't just sit around and mope. Make sure you are eating everyday and you are not getting dehydrated. Also pick up some vitamins. The first week or two after Gina passed I barely ate anything but I did start getting an appetite back but I wasn't used to cooking for myself. I was used to cooking for Gina but I am just now starting to do a little cooking but at times I still have problems motivating myself to cook something for myself everyday.  As time goes on you will find things easier to do.

I also found it very helpful in coming in here and helping others and elsewhere too. I don't come in here as often as I used to but as you see I still do.  None of us in here are professional trained for this and we are not experts or employees but all of us that come here all we do is let people know what worked for us or mention something that is on our mind. We give help and advice as well as ask for help and advice and none of us are judgemental. All we ask is to remember that some issues can be more sensitive to others then to us but we also learn sometimes the best help is just opening up.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: LarryR on August 09, 2018, 10:59:44 PM
Hello everyone. I am LarryR and have been skimming over this forum wondering if there was anything here for me. On June 15 of this year, I returned home from a nightshift and found that my wife, best friend, soulmate and guiding light of 33 years had died in the night of heart failure. The details probably aren't all that important for now but she had not been well for awhile, yet there was no indication from her recent tests that this was even a remote possibility. Guilt set in immediately; at not being there with her when she died, at not making her go to her doctor and maybe catch what it was that brought about the heart failure.
As I waited for paramedics to arrive I did CPR but I knew it was too late. I still feel and hear her ribs breaking under the first compression. I don't dream about it or go 'back to the moment' as in the disassociative aspects of PTSD, but random sights, smells, touches bring it all back. I suppose that will never go away.
I have witnessed horrendous things in my life, but nothing comes close to this.
I returned to work after two weeks of basically living like a hermit on my rural place, secluded and lost in my own grief and trauma. My job can be stressful and dangerous at times and I returned when I felt I was ready and focused enough not to put myself or my co-workers in danger. I needed something else to distract me from my horrible sense of loss and the physical feeling of emptiness. I can maintain my 'work face' at work but find it mentally draining by the time days off come up.
There are bad days, worse days, and the odd random 'OK' day here and there, but there's always an ongoing sadness all the time. A few co-workers have been very supportive and understanding but they are all young and busy with their own lives and I can't burden them with my own problems. I have no  family other than our son who lives 10 hours away, and no close friends to lean on. My wife and I were not religious but she did have a particular form of spirituality that I am embracing and learning more about but it doesn't really seem to help.
So on my days off from work I just putter around aimlessly and I find myself doing uncharacteristically strange - but harmless - things. My wife's last little messes and piles of stuff are still around; her projects, her stuff on her living room table and in her home office, even her laundry is still piled up and her last shopping list is on the fridge door. I can't bring myself to move them yet I fall to pieces when I look at them.
Sometimes I can be OK, but then it all seems to build up and I'll have wave after wave of crying fits one after the other.
I don't think time heals anything but I just want this to stop. She wouldn't want me to be sad and unhappy but I can't imagine being anything else ever again,
other than lonely and sad.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on August 14, 2018, 10:00:31 AM
Larry,

I'm sorry to learn of the death of your precious wife. Welcome to Webhealing.

Certainly can understand just 'going through the motions' of life, wearing that mask as we all have been there. It's not even two months yet so understandably the sadness is a heavy burden. We love for most of our lives so we can't expect to not feel that deep pain of loss when our loved one is no longer here. It does take time. You have my heart.

Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: JustMark on August 14, 2018, 05:43:43 PM
Ho LarryR, I'm sorry for your loss. Last year my wife Gina passed from a heart attack while I was at home in the other room and the way I found her I don't get the impression she made efforts to to reach or cry for help. The dogs who were highly trained to help us weren't even disturbed and when I got to Gina I knew it was too late too. The grieving process is a long and slow process and yes wounds do heal over time if we let them. I too have witnessed horrendous things and carry PTSD. At first I kept myself busy which help to keep me distracted and occupied. It did seem to help but what I found most helpful was coming here and trying to help others and later I picked up guitar that I hadn't played since my teenage years and found that helpful for me too. I hope as time passes by over the next few months that you begin to see that even if you were home when it happened does not mean the heart attach would have been stopped or prevented. I know that feeling of guilt because in my case I was just in the other room and didn't even know it or heard any sound. As time passed for me I could sense Gina around and checking on me and later realized the biggest step for me was forgiving myself because I didn't do anything wrong.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Flowermama on August 16, 2018, 06:35:01 AM
Hi all. I'm Sheila and my husband is Mike.... was. God that's still so hard to say. He passed away January 27th 2018. His passing was caused by a toxic mix of medications. He struggled with dementia for the last 5 years and the doctor thinks he took two days worth of medications and it caused his death. I blame myself for not taking him to the hospital that night. He was acting so lethargic but, he'd been that way a lot and the doctor said it was because of the dementia. Sundowning they called it. I thought, briefly, about calling an ambulance that night but he said no. He just wanted to go to sleep so I put him in bed and laid with him. We both fell asleep so fast. The last thing I said to him was "I love you baby. Sweet dreams" He answered "Till I see you again, my love" I never imagined that three hours later I would be awakened by his dogs keening howl. She was laying with her head on his chest just howling horribly. I knew he was gone.... It's been 202 days. When will this god awful pain stop? I swear it's getting worse every day. Today I'm having trouble breathing because the grief is so heavy on my heart. How am I supposed to raise our 15 year old by myself? SO MUCH PAIN :(
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: navywife0219 on August 31, 2018, 04:35:15 PM
Good day all.  I just registered because I need to see if this forum can help.  The abridged version is my husband passed unexpectedly 02JAN2018,  He had been diagnosed with IPF (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis).  We knew it was terminal but we did not expect that there were complications with pneumonia - he was rushed to the hospital 30DEC2017.  He was retired USN and wanted to be interned at Arlington National Cemetery and it not be scheduled until 06JUL of this year. 

The months before his burial were - of course - filled with phone calls, email, signatures, and the usual things that need to be done - PLUS - the military had to be involved - more paperwork, regulations, typical military protocol. (LOL) But now that things slowed down and my mind can remember, i get emotional and actually weep.  Not just cry, but i am like a baby.

Anyway, I wanted to be able to talk and listen to people in my position.  Thank you for listening - Christine (Alabama)
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: BLW on September 13, 2018, 08:25:01 AM
Hi, I just found this site and thought I would try it out. My husband graduated to Heaven a little over 2 months ago.  He fought lung cancer for 14 months, with the last 3 months of his life being taken care of by me.  I lost my Dad in Dec 2017 and then 6 months later lost my husband. I have pushed my feelings back so far away so I could just do what needed to be done, I'm afraid its all going to pop up someday and smack me through the face.  I went back to work 1 week after my husband's death and that has helped I believe.  Is it strange that I can talk about my husband and dad, just like its someone else's family and not show any emotion?  I do get lonely when I go home of an evening, but I have 2 dogs and that's been a huge help as well. I have found that songs will bring up memories and sometimes I cry but most of the time I don't. I haven't went through his belongings yet, just don't want to, I guess.  We didn't have children together, but he had some from a previous marriage. Two girls give me a hard time, but the son is great.  He helps me out when I need it and promised his dad to watch over me.  I guess my question is...am I in denial, or numb?  I can't seem to figure out why I am not more emotional than I am.  I do take anti depression and anxiety medicine, but I didn't think that would make me not feel anything. There are times I don't want to be around people or talk to anyone and just stay at home and do nothing, like I don't want to be here anymore.  I guess my feelings are all over the place.  Anyone out there feel this way ????
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: bdarby3396 on October 10, 2018, 12:14:07 PM
Hi, my name is Brian, I recently lost my wife of 17 years last week from a year long battle with Cancer. I'm struggling to pick up the pieces, we knew that from her diagnoses she could not be cured, and as her end neared I was horrified at the pain she had to endure, and prayed frequently that her pain would end. Now that it has I miss her so much. Knowing that there is no way she'll ever come back to us feels so unreal. My family is so lost without her, I don't know how to comfort them through my own grief. I never could have imagined I'd be sitting here today without my wife.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Terry on October 11, 2018, 06:37:13 AM
Brian,

I'm so sorry to read of the recent death of your precious wife. Welcome to Webhealing.

Post below on Spouse Loss and feel free to respond to others' posts.

We're here for you.

Hugs,
Terry
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: bdarby3396 on October 11, 2018, 10:00:19 AM
Hello - My name is Brian, I recently lost my wife of 17 years, last week after a year long battle with cancer. I'm having a very hard time coming to grips with this, like it's not real or that'll she'll come home any day. I prayed that her suffering would end, and it has, but never realized what a huge void this would leave me. I'm not sure how to comfort my family,  because I'm feeling so lost and afraid right now. I'm just walking around each day right now in a perceptual haze.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: dyonis on October 28, 2018, 10:46:15 PM
Hello, I'm Dyonis. I lost my dear husband Dean in February. He had been ill for a while, but it is still hard. He passed away here at home. It's been hard. I cry every day and miss him so much. He was my best friend, my soul mate. Sometimes it's hard to motivate myself to even go to work. But, I know he would want me to keep living.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: Laurie on November 17, 2018, 03:26:22 PM
Hi, Iím Laurie. I lost my dear sweet husband of 25 years on October 24, 2018 to cancer. We had a fantastic cross country trip this past summer with no idea he was ill. We were gone 7 weeks, we traveled 7,000+ miles. We hiked, biked, visited national parks, and just had a ball. The last day in Gettysburg, he said he didnít feel good & went & lyed down in our motel room. The next day, he still didnít feel well so we drove the 6 hours home. He went to the doctor and all hell broke loose. He was diagnosed with cancer, stage 4. It was in his liver, lungs, stomach, back, and lymph nodes. We went to Dana-Farber for a 2cd opinion. He went through 2 rounds of aggressive 50+hours of chemo. We all went through hell. He decided no more chemo & his doctor concurred it wasnít working anyway. He never really stood a chance. The cancer was very aggressive. We were in the hospital from 9/21-10/22. 10/22, my birthday. My only wish was to get my husband home on hospice care before he passed. He was given his last rights before we left the hospital in case he didnít make the trip home. We made it, I got my birthday wish. On 10/23, our granddaughter was born. On 10/24, my beloved took his last breath with is family by his side. 11 weeks. Thatís all it took from the first day he didnít feel well till the day he passed. 11 short painful weeks. I thought they were painful, till he passed. I have never known pain like this, nor could I have imagined the depth of it until 10/24, now I know it because I live it every stinking day.
Title: Re: Introductions thread
Post by: glennarollins on February 24, 2019, 09:35:40 PM
I just lost my husband a week before Christmas and it's so much harder than I thought it would be.  We were only married a year, but the pain is so intense!