Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Adams Brokenhearted Mama on August 26, 2010, 08:52:47 AM

Title: Paula checking in
Post by: Adams Brokenhearted Mama on August 26, 2010, 08:52:47 AM
Hi-it's been a very long time since I posted. My son Adam passed away on Sept. 6th, 2006 and it still seems surreal to me. As the "old-timers" from the board know I have had it rough with difficult issues with some of my other children and still on that slippery slope with them.
In the very beginning I found the board a place of comfort and then when I left it had not felt that way to me. I've been encouraged to return so I am cautiously doing so.
I hope that my old friends are doing well and my heart aches for those new members who are now living the life of a bereaved parent.
Peace & Blessings to all,
Paula Bruckner
Title: Re: Paula checking in
Post by: Annie1973 on August 26, 2010, 09:03:42 AM
Hey Paula :)
I've been wondering how the heck you and your family are getting along and sincerely hoping you have found some solace and maybe a smile or two. How is your mom? I remember things were very rocky with her health and I felt so bad for how thinly stretched you were in taking care of her.
I have had my grandaughter visiting this summer and it has been so great to be with her. My grandson, Daniel, is 20 months old now and talking so well that most people understand what he's saying.
Thanks for checking in and letting us know what's going on.

Big hugs to you,
Annie (Dans mom)
Title: Re: Paula checking in
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 26, 2010, 09:06:52 AM

Thank you for posting...you have been in my thoughts.  I am sorry to read the you are having difficult issues with your children.  I know you are a strong person and will encourage and support them in guiding them on the right path.

I am confident that this Board can bring you the comfort that it did in the beginning.

Take care of yourself and please post again soon if you wish.
Title: Re: Paula checking in
Post by: Terry on August 26, 2010, 10:35:26 AM
Hi Paula!

It was so nice to see your post. It's been quite awhile. I know your precious Adam's Angel Date is coming up and how difficult these days, weeks before are. We are all here for you!

I remember when you left the board and was sad to see you go. I had no idea and honestly, still don't how you have been fairing under all of the stress with your children while trying to live without Adam. I've always shared that we are the strongest group of Mom's and Dad's I have ever known. We have survived the worst and still have indescribable pain ahead of us to deal with.

I would love to hear how your children are doing if and when you are comfortable sharing. It relates to your grief and in fact, has complicated it in so many ways. It's not possible to reach a healthy plateau toward healing when your grief is "put-on-hold" and what has occurred in your situation due to the intense fear you are having in regards to your other children.

As always and this hasn't changed, the "Title" of our post should reflect its content and if you feel it could upset another, simply place *Sensitive* or whatever you feel is appropriate in the title.

I recently posted about my Dad and since it was an injury to the body, I did not want someone losing a child in a similar fashion to have to read about the details so I placed *Injury* in the title.

I'm so glad that you feel comfortable coming here at the worse possible time that you are having in your life. Please know that you are safe in posting/sharing your feelings and if you should happen upon a problem, please contact me immediately so any further issues can be avoided. I'd much rather you do this, then leave the board again. It is not necessary!

I'm thinking of you and Adam, Kait and Josh and know I am here for you. We are all here for you and we care!

(((((((Paula & Adam)))))))

Welcome back to Webhealing!

My love,
Title: Re: Paula checking in
Post by: Rebecca on August 26, 2010, 04:24:25 PM
Glad u r back.  I often wonder how u r doing and I made a post a while ago, directed toward how u were. I guess u were not reading then.  We hit 5 years in Feb. and I know I feel worse now.  It the beginning I had no idea what happened and now I know... Jason is not coming back.  We are having our first grandchild and this evokes feelings for me, both happy and sad and afraid.  I have had 6 pregnancies and two live births so I fear for my daughter and SIL.  I try to hold all my fears in and it is causing me great internal pain.  My daughter asked why all of a sudden I am so fearful and I said:  Talk to me when you have many other children, and you are 62.  This is my firs grandchild so I am fearful of many things. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom
Title: Re: Paula checking in
Post by: LaVonne on August 26, 2010, 06:26:47 PM
Hey Paula glad to here from you. I too have been gone a while. Many problems and deaths .Just don'r know where to turn anymore. I missed being here but just haven't stopped in.  talk later  LaVonne
Post by: Adams Brokenhearted Mama on August 27, 2010, 06:27:51 PM
Thank you one and all for your kind and generous responses. Time has marched on and despite our own individual and collective atonishments we have survived - altered - but survived. Personally I believe that there are many lessons to be learned in our journey of life and feel confident that I will not have the answers until I "meet my maker" but in the meantime I try with my wounded heart to live a mindful life.
Update on my family:
Matthew is turning 32 on Tues, he is a lawyer and lives in Brooklyn with his girlfriend Morgan. I suspect an engagment announcement will be in the near future. I would be pleased for them as I think that they compliment one another.
Kaitlin (turns 25 in Nov.-older than Adam and that is a pang in my heart) is in county jail and being discharged on 9/13. She has a new mental health diagnosis of boderline personality (along with somewhere in the bi-polar spectrum) and I am looking into DBT treatment for her. I am also looking into addiction treatment for her. She has a very sweet boyfriend and I think he has some similiar issues to her - I don't know exactly what they are as of yet. He has been very supportive of her visiting her faithfully since she was arrested on 5/4 and subsequently incarcerated.
Josh (turns 22 in Nov.) and has his own emotional/addiction (drugs, drinking & gambling) issues including one interaction with the law. He has a very nice girlfriend of 3 years who is a college student. He works with my husband.
Craig (my husband/58 in March) has never been well since Adam passed, he refuses counseling and talking with anyone. His anger & drinking at times has been excessive. Drinking is hardly ever now, but the anger is putting his job in jeopardy. Our marriage has weathered a lot of storms, especially since losing Adam.
My Mom (turned 87 in May) has not recovered from her stroke in winter of 2009. She is currently resided in a nursing home (I used to do nursing supervision there and felt comfortable with their care), totally incontinent and needs a mechanical lift to be transferred. Her mind does not seem to be totally intact and it is difficult to know truly how much cognitive functioning she has. She was an avid card, mahjongg player and reader. She doesn't read, does not recognize suits of cards or #'s anymore, yet she knows all those whom she loves. I truly wish that G-d would take her. Her greatest fear of living the life she is currently living has become her reality.
I (turning 56 in Nov.) am no longer working. I was doing emotionally better and then when my Mom had her stroke and all the other issues at hand caused me to contemplate suicide again. I went back on medications, even needed to add some more and felt I could no longer work due to my anxiety. I try to keep my mind engaged and not just dwell on events and worry about the future so I enrolled in Empire State College as a Center for Distance Learning student and began taking a nursing course each semester (completed 3 thus far), & this semester since I am not working registered for two classes. As a child I played the piano, eventually sold it. I've admired the harp whenever I hear their beautiful music in an orchestra and decided to rent one and take lessons. (If I had not sold the piano I probably would have begun to play that again) I've enjoyed my harp lessons so my husband for our anniversary (35 years) purchased my rental. I do not have an ear for music so I will never be an accomplished player but I do get satisfaction from what I can do and the learning aspect of it pleases me. I took a knitting class one year ago and have been a busy knitter ever since knitting for all the new babies in the family. I am on & off with my long-standing mahjongg game (25+years). No one else in this group, thankfully, has lost a child, and when they get on the talk of what I consider to be totally trivial issues being presented as major I lose my taste for it and take some time off. I just returned after a 2 month hiatus.
Adam's angel date is just around the corner and I have been contemplating maybe doing some public service work regarding addiction. I spoke to one of the local politicians and she will speak to some people and see what can be done. I feel ready now to attempt something like this.
I have a small, close group of friends and I count my blessings for this for they help to sustain me.
Terry has been a darling to me and keep me abreast of those who have asked after me. I do apologize for not responding personally, I just felt that I couldn't and yet knowing that so many cared meant a lot to me.
My coping for getting through all of this is trying to incorporate mindfulness into my life and breaking down life into moments. Each moment seems less overwhelming and terrifying that any chunk of time greater than that.
Thank you for your interest and allowing me to share my life with you once again. I look forward to hearing from all of you.
As always, I wish each and every one peace & blessings and beautiful heart-warming signs from your angels,
XO Paula XO